April 12/11
Day 35 of lent part two

   I don't know Jesus ... as I was driving home and thinking through what I have been reading and hearing from others, I saw something else. I saw something new in me. A work of Yours and it was done through learning and circumstance (and without question Your presence) taking me around a corner of change. One of desiring Your will over mine, a hunger for Holiness over self and comfort. I don't think it was completely not there before but now it is defined enough that it changed my response within a low empty time. Or perhaps it helped me even have a response in that circumstance.

   How was Your day Jesus?
As I sit down at the table I push a milkshake in a tall glass towards You. We sit quietly sipping our drinks looking over them at one another... lost in the moment. You pause and push Your glass a little to the side. Your eyes hold mine as You speak. I am really glad you are here. I cannot smile big enough and my heart feels near to bursting with my love for You... the laughter we share is soft and warm.

April 12/11
Day 35 of lent

   Hey Jesus I didn't have time to write this morning but now I cannot do anything else but write. Had a great day really but had some stuff to chew on from the chapter in proverbs and ecclesiastics and then the show tonight capped off the huh kind of mood that always leaves me needing You. You know, I don't think I am scared of looking at my own loneliness or emptiness for I know that without You and a complete need of You, that it is all there really is, despite efforts to cover that up. And all sorts of garbage starts showing up out of that kind of existence.

But right now I also know that my mind is having a hard time putting thoughts together in the reality of the existence of a loss so deep it shatters one's world. And that always becomes me needing to spend time with You.

If we were to meet... where would we be?

I don't see anything Jesus. It strikes me that the safest place to be would be sinking down and down into the depths of an endless ocean. My hearing would immediately be affected. I would hear my own heart beat with a surreal volume only comparable to the sound of water rushing and bubbling around me as I sank. I think, at first, I would look around but as the light started to fade with the surface I would close my eyes with a finality.
   I suppose you might want to know what kind of finality, Reader, not one of lost hope or purpose. Not of a loss of desire for life but perhaps a death to life lived my way . I believe I need to really be completely Jesus'. I think in the face of really losing all that meant something to me in this world I would be left with deepest truth... life isn't about me it's about You Father, it's about You Jesus and Your sweet Holy Spirit.
   Therefore to die to everything but You makes sense, everything is so temporary and is meant to be. Jesus You were here what 33 years? I've already passed that mark and see that I've had so much time to try to grasp and learn how to really live and in most ways I am just starting to see much less applying it, living it. You spent those 33 years with such purpose because of how You lived.  What You accomplished in 3 years of ministry leaves me wordless and yet You call us to live like You did. Jesus, I cannot even comprehend that this is possible but I want to. I want to live exactly like You did. What about the death at the end? You know, if called to it, it would be done.  But I think one of the biggest struggles right now, is dying now... to self.  Do You mean for us to actually get that here though? Or is the struggle to be Holy, to be like You the goal and what sheds light on everyone around us? Is it our lives lived broken and alive only in Your power and grace that truly glorifies You? Our very lives a witness and testimony, a light pointing to You alone. And here is again where this curious balance exists... this life is so not about us and yet each of us is so passionately loved and held by You. A phrase You spoke to me a while ago just popped into my mind... so stop being about myself and let You be about me. This way Your purpose and intent is accomplished while we are completely filled by Your love and presence.

As I sink lower and lower I can tell even behind my closed eyelids that it grows ever darker. I am not panicked but I wonder at myself. I am too far down to even think of struggling for what lies above. And my heart and soul answer with confirmation by sitting at peace, patiently waiting.

April 11/11
Day 34 of lent

   Morning Jesus... I am a little tentative this morning, wondering how I would feel (a bit afraid of not feeling) but I think in my anxiousness to talk with You I have no founding reasons for fear. Interestingly I had no draw to make a hot drink either. But my drive to get some chores crammed in before taking time to sit down remains. So I had another interesting moment last night where I would feel jealousy I didn't really feel it inside but my actions looked like I did. Not sure what that was about except that when faced with my craver (self) wanting to be special and recognized and knowing when those situations are happening You have a greater power. I felt it but didn't completely give myself over to You. I want to do that now that I've put this down in coherent thought. I really have no need for striving and jealousy, my desire to exist in Your freedom excludes that. Do I really want to be like another? Do I really need someones approval? Do I require something to give myself away? A resounding no... all those are dark places and if I choose to live in Your light so many things don't matter nor require a response or action. My life would (as close as I can wrap my mind around it) become wildly focused while at the same time free from the need for me to control by schedule, self abasement, planning what I think is best or manipulation. I would in essence become like the description of the Holy Spirit as the wind moving first here then there all the while with strong purpose and focus.

   To become like You is so much more appealing than the illusionary and exhausting roads of control and security (our aggression and defensiveness).

   All of a sudden I am physically weary. No kidding. I sit and type with my eyes closed thinking some warm blankets would be so delightful right now.

 ...(2 hours later) I am still tired but I will act out what I felt I should do in my non-feeling state. Also a line from Jason Upton rings in my head (perhaps from the Message)... God calls us to ... a long obedience in the same direction. He (God) doesn't want us to burn bright but burn out... He wants us for the long haul, for our lifetime. And this includes existing and still striving for Holiness in those dark and low times, essentially pressing through it (and for myself continually asking for perspective from You in it ) despite my disorientating feeling amid this time without all I am used to aka... feeling. It is not unlike my experience of learning how to run uphill. But learning this kind of discipline is not just for the low times or unfamiliar times... it also needs to be applied to the times we recognize and quite frankly desire because of it's familiarity. For when I am comfortable (what I would say now as living in an abundance of Your obvious and merciful grace) I can make just as many wrong decisions moment to moment but don't 'see' them as clearly because I am still experiencing You in many ways. Therefore I see now that this discipline this long obedience in the same direction is as crucial now as then. For this reason I am leaving my computer and carrying on despite my weariness as a representation of what I want to learn to do spiritually.

   You make me smile Jesus.

April 10/11
Day 33 of lent

   I haven't felt this alive for a few weeks now. Wow I recognize it and it thrills me down deep! 
   At the same time that I was being surrendered to where I was, settling inside that I would go through it looking for You in it and letting You make the most of it... is exactly when You let me feel. Which makes the timing of this exactly You! lol. It's nice to feel what I know. It was very disorientating to not have that connection. And yet. I learned that You take care of me. So in that respect even though I didn't feel You near (like I am used to) I knew You were regardless. It scared me to realize how strong our flesh can be. This time of lent has helped me see this experiencially and take into serious consideration the weight of this reality. My dependence upon You is so complete and necessary... thank You for Your mercy once again and I mean that with more depth than even a few weeks ago.

April 4/11
Day 27 of lent

    Morning Jesus, somehow it just feels like a brand new day! or season? or outlook! Enough of the winter season is succumbing to the touch of spring .... How are You today Jesus? Help me to spend all day with You.  Love You.

    The day has become a familiar gray. The reclusive shroud put around one's shoulders when time slows down till you can hear it. I want to live purposefully today despite surroundings and what is going on within. After a month of wrestling with and looking at the struggle of flesh and Spirit ... I tire of self (again). There is no one around me that doesn't know intimately the reality of this war and so I want to renew my vision of just being Yours. Choosing You moment to moment and asking You to enable me to choose Holiness over comfort and security. To explore what freedom in You is ... by experience.

    Just was thinking that while I can choose my steps (to a degree) it is another thing altogether when apart of a body (church body). I cannot explain or talk anyone into my experience yet I know there are things I want them to know and accept and live but I suppose freedom in You touches here too... I'll have to let You do the talking. I will live and share when prompted but I will not hold the expectation on them to see, understand, or accept (or even hear) that way disappointment and striving will not be necessary. huh. That sounds right.

March 29/11
Day 21 of lent

Morning Jesus. So coming off the thoughts of Sunday and catching once again in however small it's increment that this life is not about me at all... the Scripture I read seems a little more potent. You had such a focus even though You held the power and authority of judging in Your hand ... Your came to save. But even in this You were completely about Your Father and only spoke what He told You to say ... doing only as He asked of You. It says You shared all our human ness in Hebrews so You know this dying. You had to die to self... daily and then completely. 

So what of me? 

I know I am not what this life is about it is You... it is the You in me.

March 21/11
Day 13 of lent

   So I have a little left over from last night's regrets but I cannot undo or erase any of it. So Jesus could You forgive me for my lack of good judgement and continue to help me learn the greater lessons. I think my dreams reflected my mood and they were a drag to wake up to as well. Sigh. I don't even know what to write.

   Quite a few hours later I have had one epiphany. What I am feeling was exactly like the youth group mess up feeling. Okay so once I realized that it all kinda clicked into place. Just as I need to make judgement calls and be obedient to what You are asking me to do despite any and all emotional issues.  Choosing instead to live only for You and in You. I am also asked to do the same with my family. Sometimes I cave when I just want everyone to be happy / make the situation as comfortable as possible OR sometimes I avoid issues to avoid confrontation. What I choose to do and how I handle myself is just as important at home as in a specific ministry I need to stop being about my own comfort and safety and live in You and in Your freedom. It took watching a movie to catch all that clearly. Curious I know but it equally makes all the sense in the world. In feeling what a character is faced with and going through I often apply it as if it were my own situation I weigh or realize huh that is similar to this. In taking that step back I was able to actually see.

The heaviness is gone but the lesson is not. Thanks Jesus

March 18/11
Day 10 of lent

   Well I woke up this morning with the distinct feeling that You were still holding me. Huh. Also of note was the Scripture that Bailey brought up. About discipline of all things. hahaha. Hebrews 12. I am going to slip out and do chores but before I went I just wanted to say thank You Jesus for still holding onto me. This day has all sorts of potential for needing You this closely. (this desperately) I'll be right back.

    Well it has now been quite a while but a good while. Jesus I love You. Interesting. There is so many little things about our relationship that are both subtle and powerful. The way I want to meet with You but can't in the worldly definition... The way Your sacrifice extends from the cross onwards... You too long for me (us) too and yet must wait in ways that must at times be torturous. Actually because of the true nature of Your love the separation between us must be hard all the time. Huh. It only makes me love You deeper. Jesus I want to love You back with the love You lavish on me. I want to choose to do it... so I will again lay my life down to do it. When it doesn't make sense that You can love me or really be there for me... You find a way. When I wonder how You'd protect me and look out for me without being physical... You prove it over and again. When I am overwhelmed with actually wanting to be with You ... You tell me how deeply You want that too. When I think I've had to handle alot .... You've borne more.

March 17/11
Day 9 of lent... part 2

    So Jesus, even though it's the same day I needed a new page I don't want to think right now. I just want to be with You. I know that I probably will be interrupted in a few minutes but I wanted to take this time to tell You that. I need You to be my comfort thing. Not that anything has gone badly today except my losing my temper... sorry about that.

   If I was wrapped up in Your arms right now, I would be okay with You telling me You weren't going to fix this. If I were in Your arms right now, I would think instead about how much I need You inside me to deal with each moment that is coming...  despite whether it is good or bad. If I were in Your arms, I would sigh with relief and I would breathe You in. I think I would feel my weakness in Your arms.  I would feel my weariness. But I think I would feel something more... as I gave over my own solutions, my worry, concern over myself and wondering what was coming... I would feel Your Spirit seeping in to fill in the place of things I was laying down. To tell the truth though, I don't think even this would make me want to let go of You. I believe there would be a bit of desperation in my grip of not wanting to move from Your embrace.

  And then my tears start to spill.
    But I'm not letting go Tam. I know. So why do you feel fear even though you didn't want to type that word? Cause I don't want to lose this kind of connection with You... I'm not good at seeing or feeling lately. Really? Well... I guess that's not accurate, I am seeing and hearing but it's cause I keep messing up. But there is value in that right? Sadly I know the answer is yes. Is it any sweeter to meet me when things are going good and you are doing well than when you are feeling alone, lost, and sorry? No. Things get stripped away when I am struggling... I see that You are all I have and really want and desperately need. Yet it is You that I have hurt and gone away from or been in opposition to.

So what would make me 'feel' the most ... you stumbling or you actually seeing and running to Me, choosing Me? Me wanting You. 

I hear that hum in Your chest as You gently rock me in Your embrace.
  
   Don't be scared. Yah... I am Yours ... whom shall I fear. Not even the craver. So I have to ask ... why have you put off sending that email? I'm not really sure, surfacely. Huh. You might want to find that out. Are you going to offend someone? Will you create a division? Hard feelings? Will you be looked down upon? Disregarded? Not heard? Does any of that matter? Really? Could you hinder something by not sharing with the body something that's clearly important to you right now? Does a part of the body operate on it's own? Have I asked enough questions? lol... well I get the point... I'll be thinking about this for a while.

    March 17.11
    Day 9 of lent.

   So I move around the house doing chores waiting to meet with You because I am waiting to wake up. It makes no sense any way so I will come and see what You can do with me. lol. After one more distraction I set my fingers on the keyboard determined. I like what I am hearing in the 66 Love Letters book.  That You are more concerned with making me Holy and how I am relating to You (and others) than if my life is going well or is comfortable or if I am managing it well based on biblical principles. So even though it's not wrong to pray for things to be better I cannot be consumed or have that as my top priority. Instead I need to pursue You and look to You and to be filled with You. And keep that as my one thing. I would really like to meet with You today Jesus and I know, You know, what I mean. My Lent's main goal is to be making the decision to be with You instead of being drawn away by busyness, selfishness or laziness. I fall into the last two today being so tired but I want to meet You despite that so I can no longer use that excuse.
 
   Hey Jesus even though I do things by rout sometimes, could You please meet me there too? I don't think I am necessarily doing things out of obligation, guilt or just because it is the right thing to do anymore.. but I also don't want to become lazy or legalistic in the way I try to connect with You. Show me the depths of my heart, my motives I pray. Even if it's ugly and needs pruning I'd rather that than waste time and get further away from You. Wow I still need to wake up it's a tough one today lol. Maybe some tea and food would help or.... a sleep hahahaha.

    Just got in for lunch and I was trying to fit some learnings together. Your intimate, crazy generous love  and Your desire for our Holiness and that that isn't equated with what happens per say in our lives. I looked out my window and saw huge fluffy flakes floating down... You go to such lengths to love us and is it in there somewhere that the spirit of entitlement slips in? We flip from being humbled and awed that You would meet with us to if I am following You Jesus I should have alot of this love ... which we in turn equate with comfort, satisfaction in life, ease. I wonder if this is why our first love of You is what You long for us to return to ... because that is a time where we are enamoured and so focused and loving just You for You and who we are discovering that to be... it is later that our love twists in being agenda motivated.

well I'm headed back out to my shop any words Jesus?

March 14/11... journal entry...

Day 6.  Jesus, so I have managed in this lent so far to disobey Your leading in youth... Be closed off enough during a leadership meeting to only see my point of view and not understand where the actual leader was going. I have been delaying responding to an email and I think that this is spreading an effect inside myself by not being able to explain my point of view that makes me feel like the odd man out in a way and am more defensive overall. Not good. However... my own fault for not stepping up.  What is that? I can't seem to get my head in the game today so I want to ask You Jesus... please help me let go and focus on You as I do my daily work and chores. I need You.

    So.  What I know...

My desire for this lent is really to have conscious dedicated time to You everyday. Learning to have You as my comfort instead of what is physical and is around me. Letting go of coffee reminds me of that.

I know I want to learn to be more concerned with Holiness than to manage or be successful or comfortable. I don't know what steps You will take me through to get to that as a constant mindset?

If my mindset is right I will by default be living in Your Freedom.

If I am living in Your freedom that is saying that I am being led by Your Spirit.

If I am being led by Your Spirit I am also existing in You... I am in the Spirit.

If I am in the Spirit I display the fruits of Your Spirit.

Being a part of a body... we most often display more prominently different kinds of fruit.

If we recognize what fruit we tend towards we also can work more seamlessly together because we see where we fit together; where another leaves off as another fills in etc...

huh I wonder if that was where Mr. B was going at the leadership meeting lol? I kinda think so.

March 13/11 journal entry...Day 5 of lent. 
   Hi Jesus, don't really have any time left but I will sneak in a couple of sentences. So could You please come with me tonight?  Like really there? Please direct my thoughts, feelings and words to share. Jesus You are my one thing. Thank You for letting me share last night at worship. It was the right place. Well I guess we better hit the road.

Journal entry March 8/11...

Jesus so this is the last day before lent starts. What do You want me to let go of for 40 days?

   What have You been up to lately Jesus? Mostly trying to woo those I love closer to Me. Yah. Being willing to endure pain and loss and hurt for the time it takes till things are put right and more right than they ever could be any other way. The dark does serve a purpose doesn't it. Yes and ultimately to prove the light... even testify to it. What of the demons what of Satan? You created them as much as You created us and this world. Yes and if you deal with them (as with everything else) in the light of my power and freedom they serve to bring glory to My Name as well. For there is nothing more powerful than Me and having that proved over and over does what? So really is there anything you need to fear? I was going to say only being separated from You... but You have promised to not let go of me. But Jesus what of those that seem to lose You?  Does it not always really come down to what is inside their souls? What battle is going on in there? The war waged in the physical and spiritual realms although they come out as man against man or religion against beliefs but really is it? Although that vehicle is used even the arguments between brother and sister come from struggles within each one's soul. The battles that rage within each of you. What truth do you know? What lie have you believed? What fear lurks there and why? What lack of fear lives there and what is it proclaiming?

    How often will you take the time to look deep in your soul and challenge what has become rooted there... with no outside circumstance to push you to do it? How often do you weigh what you've allowed to live inside? If you are managing life and even if it becomes uncomfortable how long is it before you stop to listen to my voice, my Spirit leading you to see... your reaction of just trying harder to handle and control things is a powerful force that you've depended on or rather used most of your existence... but I am here to challenge that response. In challenging that response, I challenge everything about you. I challenge why you do what you do... and is that really working? I ask question after question so if you really do claim to believe that I AM well how are you living that proves that? What is the dominant emotion you live with daily?  Really? Is there an unanswered question inside you that you can never seem to reach the end of? Well why is that? Is there a unbalance of head knowledge and heart knowledge that creates a persistant unsettledness. And how does the voice of the craver (old self) manage to continually nag at it so that you are not willing to even try to settle it? How can what you claim to believe really be what you believe if you are too scared to live it?

    Then a perceived time of darkness comes. In a variety of forms. It pushes you to do something. Even if to only look.

    Okay so as I sit here is this maybe what You're saying to my lent question? Do you want me to let go of what represents my comfort things and commit to spend time daily to hearing You and speaking as You ask of me? What are my comfort things? Well coffee and my coffee milk. That seems so lame. Not enough of a sacrifice. Maybe it's not about what you're giving up but what you are committing to do. That is a hard thing because I know it I am totally unable to do it. I already know my own resolve will fail within the first week... so this lent time will be fulfilled only in the power of Your Spirit. So will this fulfill the purpose of lent? Let's see... depending upon Me to accomplish something which on the flip side means you are not depending on yourself... hmmm yup. And how about this for the bonus... letting Me become your comfort thing. Your treat. :)  

Day 2 of lent

   ...journal entry March 10/11

   Morning Jesus, so it's day two of lent... so much happened or didn't happen yesterday. Being completely shut down with that headache was wow. Couple of things I tried to remember ... despite circumstance I want to have my focus on You and what You require... that it's okay to pray for better circumstances but that doesn't allow for whining and the spirit of entitlement. I also, in the darkening of yesterday, asked You for something... and I still want to ask that today. Jesus it seems You are making it pretty clear that my need to look at what is actually within is crucial in stepping into You. The only way my focus, my desires become in step with Yours is to face and deal with, as You ask, the struggle within. Now I do not want to get into any theology here, I am living in You as a new man but I know the struggle that is warring between the craver and I and will continue to until I get to the end of my time here. So again I just want to ask, Jesus, please help me not care more for comfort or good management than for an absolute desire and hunger for You and working the working out of Holiness. Thanks.

   So Jesus You have definitely taken care of the physical today. My truck sits loaded and ready to deliver. My chores are done. My headache hasn't surfaced. And delightfully I have an hour to spend with You :) love that.

    Where are we Jesus? It feels like a long time since I've asked that. You are my cup of comfort this morning. How about I knock on Your door and wait for You to answer? I knock with enthusiasm and confidence. The smile that plays on my lips betray my thoughts of anticipation. The heavy door swings inwards and there You are. Would You like to join me Jesus? I hold out my hand and wait.. watching what crosses Your face. You seem as delighted as I feel. You grab my hand and step down the two steps but then in one fluid motion You swing around and swoop me up into Your arms holding me tight as we laugh and then breathe one another in. So gently You put me back on my feet and we rejoin hands and start walking You are excited when You point out the amazing sunrise and our senses soak in the details of a new day... the crisp bite of the air, the clear call of a chickadee, the light playing with color as it hits the ordinary and transforms it. We are walking up a path and although it is going somewhere there are just so many places along the way that call us to pause and see. To share and reveal what we are feeling and know. I think one of the most beautiful sounds is Your laughter ... what it invokes within myself is so deep. When I join in with You it is more of a soul laughter ... one of real freedom and how good that feels. Does it matter if no one ever understands you, really? In looking into Your eyes it really doesn't because if they do it'll be because You wanted to speak to them through me. If I give my whole self over to You there is no other motive left and because all I am is revolving and soaking in You... all the results do too. I don't have to be concerned with that anymore. Yes I will feel for what I am apart of and what I see what I witness and You will undoubtedly use that to call me in directions You want me to go. No Jesus, I don't care if I am ever understood by anyone as long as I KNOW You and that You understand all of me. You will (have to) become more than my cup of comfort lol. Our laughter seems to ring out so clear and far. Can I have a piggyback ride? Always you say with a chuckle. I jump up and we set off.

    Jesus ... when I was reading in John 12 I felt such a crazy strong feeling as I read about You coming into the city. I wondered... what would I feel if I was there and perhaps I know...

    I would have been desperate to see You, even to catch a glimpse of You amongst the crowd. Of course I would have wanted more, Your attention, Your words. In the mood cast during the preparation for Passover would have run two things I think... the high that a King was really present... a Messiah. (He raised that guy from the dead! who can argue that?) The other would have be just as real, as undeniable as a bad taste in your mouth, as fear stealthily snuck up behind you and worked it's way up your spine. Despite the loud Hosannas there was still fear and that, maybe, made the Hosannas all the louder. To drown out that whisper. Fear that something big was about to happen of universal and eternal importance and would I be ready? So many had constantly been looking over their shoulders to see if the Pharisees and their spies were there. Don't get me started in wondering which friend might betray me and report a conversation that was thought to be whispered safely. The constant weighing inside the soul of the risk of stepping out in faith of this Messiah, the inevitable fallout of consequences in be publicly bold. What about my family, my lifestyle, my security what use will I be when I am discarded by the ruling force of our culture? Yet undeniably it is held on the scale by the equally big fear that by not coming out and committing to it I may miss the biggest opportunity in my entire life and be left behind (cause look what He has done... remember what He has said ... and the power it all had and how it stirred something in the depths of my soul that has never been stirred before... I'll never forget when He looked right at me, I couldn't even breath right)

   Who has ever really thwarted the Pharisees? How do they hold this tight control over so many well look at the track record look at what they can do... What if I step out and they kill Him? what then? But what if He wins and I find myself on the wrong side? How would I ever pick up the pieces of my broken soul knowing that I really did know... and I chose wrong?

    I need to see Him! I need to see Him to tip this scale! Something happens when you get near Him ... what if I don't get near enough... GOD Help me get close enough!

    Pushing and being pushed amongst this now frenzied crowd I claw my way closer to the road. My breathing shallow and hard but not out of effort but out of the desperation inside the deepest part of my soul. I keep glancing up in my efforts to get nearer and then it's like all around me suddenly goes silent I see their mouths moving, bodies jostling but as my eyes meet Yours my sharp intake of breath is accompanied by that curious ring of silence. You are looking right at me. You. How? Me? You. Oh... it is You... God. I feel my legs begin to give out and the clamour all around me assaults my senses once again. I lose my balance as another seeks to get closer and by the time I right myself again I only see the back of His head. My soul is reeling in the sudden wave of awe and brokenness in the face of really knowing... I stand there, still, but before I will myself to go back I look again and in the briefest of moments He looks back and I see that flicker of a smile catch on His lips and light His eyes and then He is gone swallowed by the crowd and palm branches, the noise. I walk away in a stupor still reeling in what I now know and have decided.

    The grip with which I hold the truth would most likely, in the physical, leave my hands bloodied as I stubbornly refuse to release even in the slightest degree. I stopped whispering that day and when I looked around to see who was listening it wasn't in fear but almost in daring... who would hear me today? ((I Won't Back Down)) His words are still echoing inside...I remember the drop in my stomach when He said "The light is with you for a little longer. Walk while You have the light, so that the darkness may not overtake You. If You walk in the darkness, you do not know where you are going. While you have the light believe in the light, so that you may become children of light." The fear that flashed inside at His saying goodbye was instantly soothed by the thick promise of still being lead, the thrill in the freedom of knowing and the warmth of being part of His family. And even though I didn't have words for this at the time somewhere I knew.

    What happened next and the speed with which it all took place was nearly blinding. I'll never forget being swept along by that crowd that seemed possessed, hearing them scream over and over for Jesus' blood, His life... sickness washed over me as I realized what was in motion the taste of bile in my mouth at even the thought of His suffering... at first no words sounded from my lips but then the faint sound of my screaming "NO! You don't see No! No! Don't You get it... He really is God Wait!" fell hopelessly to the ground and was trampled over and again by the blind hate emanating from the crowd. Once again I was at the mercy of the crowd and was pushed along. The sound all around me that seemed so thick I should be able to touch it faded into a background blurr as my heart and soul cried out for Him. I dredged up all I could to put words to what my soul was screaming. Suddenly I became aware of someone holding my hand... hard. I looked up to see eyes that were filled with tears their mouth was moving even though I could not hear but I knew what they were saying. I knew... that they knew... that this was God. My own tears spilled over now but I returned the tight hold on my hand with a strength I didn't realize was there. 

March 2/11

   You aren't surprised by us.
 
   Jesus,I know that a little more all the time. In my bemoaning the feeling of failure earlier today I remember stating that I made You sad. Did I really? I also remember being asked that over and over by the prayer lady at the encounter weekend.... over my regret in past events. She seemed to sink it in a smidge that perhaps I didn't make You sad... that our failures are expected and as I think now, You've already made the necessary arrangements ... necessary sacrifices to atone for them all. I know the whole "it's not about me" lesson that continues to cycle over and again but I want to add something to it tonight... I don't control You. Not my sin, not my emotions, not anything. You know it all and have made not only the way... but You weave into and throughout it all threads of beauty and learning and change. Redemption that catches the light and sparkles back it breathtaking beauty or the turning of black and blood red threads into the greens of new growth blues of the open clear skies that go on and on...

   I want in Jesus. Wherever this boat is taking or teaching me I want to get all I can from this. I would love to see it from Your perspective ... perhaps this is a case of going through something to gain understanding or experience to serve and love someone else later on (cause it really isn't about me). Do You ever ask someone to endure something for another? Well I suppose if we are in the process of being You to those around us that would make sense to me. But I am not assuming I don't have something very important to learn through this experience too. I know that the depth and width of stuff I need to wade through to be able to know and draw closer to You is mind boggling. Ahh, better put... the pruning that needs to take place by Your hand is much.

   If we were to look down upon myself in that boat  right now I would think... I need to get to a thought, a realization... then all this time drifting will be more than worthwhile it will be the dark backdrop that contrasts the colors and shapes that take the forefront... that makes the deep beauty strike the onlooker that passes by.

   I turn to look at You. I reach out and take hold of Your hand... smiling I turn and lead You to a deep red cushy chair. I sweep out a hand of invitation to come and sit. You catch my smile and it becomes an honest laugh of joy as You move by me and sit down with a release of breath and a drawing in of the contentment or peace of sharing the unspoken. For a while I just sit at Your feet, being near. Then I lift Your foot and massage it rubbing in lotion and enjoying the scent that lingers in the air as I work to do my very best. After a time I rest Your foot on my lap and reach to start on the other one. So intent in what I am doing I realize I haven't even glanced up to see what You are thinking. I sneak a quick glance and Your eyes hold mine... the power You have in Your eyes is arresting. Really. I just want to love You Jesus... despite what I take myself through and where I allow the world to lead me it all seems to crumble and blow away in Your presence. All I want is You ... to love You. I cannot grasp the honor of being so near to You even yet... but I know I am consumed with a soul's deepest gratitude and worship in the face of Your love.

... journal entry Feb 28/11.

Jesus,
I know I need to live in the present
I know I need to remember the context of my existence but not to live in the past or past events (but perhaps in the light of them?)
I know I need to live in the freedom only You can give. Wow. That is what my dream was about isn't it. The past both negative and positive is not where I need to live... I can exist in Your freedom with my eyes for You alone and be richer than any plan I could come up with myself. The past both positive and negative can serve to push me forward into You... In light of Your freedom I will 'see'. I will only really be me when I am looking at You being consumed with Your love and the love that rises up within me for You.

Left to myself, I can use the consequence of my sin as a twisted justification to sin again I can use it to demand (through manipulation) compassion and attention from those that care for me. But that will eat me from inside, the sick taste it leaves in my mouth, the emptiness that the cavern of selfishness leaves behind in my soul makes me cringe just thinking of it.
...journal entry Feb 15/11...

Dearest Reader,  I had a most bizarre dream that stayed with me for a few days and it was so interesting how this journal ended up putting into words what I should learn from it.  I don't know if it matters what the dream was but if you are interested in hearing about it let me know.

   Jesus I know we don't meet too often these days in words and pictures and that's okay because You are closer than that ... it's like I still have one foot in that place and another in another ... it's a long transition on some levels or at some times. Kind of like watching a friendship drift away, in a healthy way, because the season of help has come and gone. I think in alot of ways I have reconciled it's leaving because of what You've replaced it with but. There it is. I think I have words now. Jesus I want to give up my control of You. Hanging onto where we've been instead of throwing my self , completely, where You are taking me is just that. You aren't really taking Yourself away from me at all.   

   Jesus a friend could use a bit of bench time shall we? You give me that smile that melts me inside as it makes me feel so much a part of You ...You wink as You turn Your head to face our friend. Even without looking I know Your smile beams down on him. We all settle back on the sun warmed bench with a sigh. You put an arm around each of us. It's an interesting thing that happens when I get to 'share' You with someone. I sit here on this bench knowing my yearning and desire for You yet in the presence of another my thoughts cease to be centered around myself. It's curious to try and describe what happens but it is something I recognize... this has happened many times before. It's like being in this place of deep, deep peace while I know You minister to whoever is there. It's like time suspends itself and nothing else matters. I don't feel an anxiousness to be seen or interacted with (how unlike me is that lol) but really I am so content to wait while You love... I even bring up my legs and sit cross legged beside You. I'm just thinking out loud now but it almost feels like I'm a part of You in this ministry time? How does that work? For I know it is all You. Hmmm. Perhaps this thought is still too deep for me to grasp but despite my lack of understanding I still know what I feel. Okay this next thought is almost beyond any sense at all but here it is... while You pour out Your love and Spirit on another... I feel drawn to just love You. Even if it is just sitting contentedly by Your side.  Another thing I know is that I don't feel forgotten by You at all even though Your face is turned towards another. Now I know that is a God thing :) I look down at my hands as I sit and You take Your hand from behind me and let it fall into mine instead. I catch my breath as I let that action speak to me. I study Your hand and feel it's warmth. I trace Your fingers with my own and then intertwine my fingers with Yours and hold tight... I feel Your grip tighten in response and I smile to myself... feeling wave after wave of a contentment that is so deep that it threatens to drown me. I need nothing else. You are my life and source of life.... journal entry...Feb 15 11

Dearest Reader, 
   The last few posts and ones to come took place during an interesting time with God.  I thought I'd let you in on the background or context to it to give a more complete picture.
 
   At the very beginning of this year God started meeting me in the Word.  It was so amazing I would be sitting there reading with my paper and pen, noting down observations and then I would ask God a question.  Time after time He would show up in a crazy real way of directing my thoughts.  I recognized it was indeed Him because in answer to my question He would give me an understanding or revelation to help lead me that was never where my own mind or logic could take me.  So really sit back and think about that.  It was as close to sitting at my kitchen table and having a conversation with Jesus as I have ever experienced.  I loved it YET.  Yet what!!!! you may exclaim... well I was so used to meeting with and seeing Jesus in my journalling and with the eyes of my heart that I missed Him desperately.  But in the delight of meeting Him a new way I felt I needed to be disciplined to meet Him that way, not stealing my time with Him there to meet with Him as I had.  I didn't after all want to miss the chance to meet Him and get to know Him in this new way.  This interaction with Him was also completely different, it wasn't as relational as the other so this would at times leave me at war within trying to reconcile Jesus in one way or a furthering of meeting Him in another. 

   Now something else was happening at the same time as this struggle with how I met with Jesus.  I was seeing with very clear eyes the depth of self(ishness).  Not people as a whole but myself.  When left to myself I chose self every time.  Even when I lamented over it in one moment summoning up all my self control (which I proudly thought I had alot of ... ironic) to fall in the next moment with a shallow, see through explanation or excuse to do so.  It was like seeing what I would be like without the presence of Jesus in my life constantly.  Or likewise seeing, as if for the first time, just how present He had been and what happened because of that.

   This was where I eventually ended up concluding... Jesus... if I never meet You again in the way I desire YET continue to meet with You, as You choose to reveal, I am okay with that.  I just always want to know You are there.

    Jesus I am having a hard time catching and holding onto my thoughts. They flicker like the light cast from a fire. I know You are here with me. Jesus I am filled with alot I guess. I want You to be so with my brother walking through the season of healing. Jesus, thank You for his life last night. Thank You.
    Holy God You break into my thoughts so often these days... my hunger for You does not seem to abate but asks only draw from a deeper and deeper well. I feel like I am in such a precious spot right now amongst a body that is desiring not only You but to go where You lead. I love that it fills me with such emotion delight. Thank You for that too. 
   Why did You love me with such abandon these last days Jesus? The amount of times and ways You spoke to me through people and circumstance was literally staggering. I don't know if I am to spend time thinking it through but You made me feel like You were pleased with me. Huh. Kind of like a affirmation that I was hearing and following You.
   Jesus I want to write this down before I forget.  It is just a small thing but last night it seemed very significant. I realized that when I pray for our body, for our growing up... for the in pouring of Your Spirit I am looking at the same spot in our church building every time. It is the right side at the front .... it is where we are now starting to pray. Wow. 
   Jesus please hold me. Your hand comes up and holds my head firmly against Your chest. In my want of You I lose sense of what the rest of my body is doing ... I cannot feel my arms but think they are holding You in a grip that is with the intensity of holding onto life itself. My heart is heavy it burns and aches.   
   excerpts from my journal.... Feb 14/11

   Hey Jesus ... it has been a couple of days. My heart has been calling to You a lot lately often in a confused and lost way. Lost because I feel like I don't recognize where I am. The only thing that is familiar is the ache for You... that takes over inside and washes over me with an intensity that sometimes leaves me breathless. You know, there are sometimes Jesus that I am more afraid of myself than anything else. What really is scarier or more threatening than what we are capable of inside our own hearts and souls? What can pull us away from You easier than our own demons our own vices ... the pride that has so many faces to hide it's ugliness. What of our desire for control? Our desire for our own happiness and comfort? The sheer ignorance of our indecent and indignant demand for what we deserve... what we are entitled to? In the clarity of this moment I see just how sacrificial You are by stepping into our lives and asking us to surrender. The biggest sacrifice is not what we are giving up. It is what You do... what You are willing to do... what You have already done so You would be always right there ready to step in, to pour out, to hold us before the word has even left our lips. We are so sadly deluded into thinking that You are asking so much of us. It all leaves me a little sick inside, at the extent of the facade we hold onto with a grip that leaves gouges, threatening wounds that will fester and bleed.

    I sit here a little stunned and what I think is this. There is something I want to ask for Jesus... first is Jesus, Father and sweet sweet Holy Spirit... I want a relationship with You more than anything (yet I know I fail miserably at this over and again). Next is I know my battle with the carefully erected facade will not leave without constant and vigilant battle so I want to ask You Jesus for a weapon. I want to ask that You would place in the deepest part of my heart a picture or word or ??? of the truth. The truth of living in You... and what that really required and requires of You... yes You not me. We've masterfully twisted it and I don't want to anymore. I want to fight against that part of me. I don't know where this will take me but Jesus knowing that I will need You for all of it sits right with me.
journal entry... Feb 6/11

Father speaks into my fear

...journal entry Jan 28/11

 
Jesus something is really weighing on me.

   Father... I know I need to love You for no other reason than, I am simply that, in love with You. I have been reading about how we can have other motives in loving You and it scares me to hear that.  Whether they have power for any length of time or are being fought against  I get that they are there and it is unsettling; scary even.  Father, I don't want to ask You for a blessed life anymore. In fact it has even been some time since I have been comfortable asking You for safety (I know You understand that) and it is the same thing.  
  
   Wanting You to give us a good life... knowing it is You that can give it doesn't water down the selfish motive behind asking for it. I know that I don't want comfort over You. I want our relationship to super cede my wanting of comfort and protection and blessing. 

   I know that having that ridiculously close existence with You moment to moment outweighs all things because of many realities. First of all the craver (that selfish inner man) begins to starve when we are tight... my perspectives start to skew to Yours and I grasp a little tighter to 'not being about myself' becoming more willing to let You take care of that. Trusting You to take care of that. Of me. When we are tight, troubles and trials have this amazing potential of shifting into times of purpose, redemption or healing so completely opposite to what the enemy wants of course.  Yet we fight against ever getting into those 'hard' times because they threaten our belief that we are okay.  That it is only a punishment or a fallen world consequence we need to get through, which is 'undeserved' (might as well say it that way) cause we resent at times what we have to go through, we feel indignant that life or You are demanding that of us. But here's the thing I see... or hear... You allow us to walk into those very places (which ironically we often demand to go into due to our selfish and limited human logic) yet Your mercy and grace transform those times to accomplish mind blowing things both in us and around us. You let us walk into the darkness of only thinking of ourselves and bring us out of it "to bring us in..." to You. Into the freedom of loving You for You ... not for what You do or will do but for who You are. And this is back to where I started.  "If you love Me only when I immediately satisfy your desires, your love is merely one more form of self-centeredness. Your love becomes trust only when you choose to believe that I brought you out of something bad to bring you into something good before you experience that something good. Then your love is sustained by confidence in My character, not by enjoyment of current blessings. "pg 19 66 Love Letters, by Dr. Larry Crabb "Love has no meaning unless it remains alive when the one you claim to love seems distant and unresponsive. " Now here is where my fear sits. I want to ask You, Father, to burn away that selfishness in me so that our relationship can be real and real close BUT I am afraid that in asking that You will test me by being distant and asking me to love You when You aren't loving me in the way I am so used to now. In that nearly tangible presence, in thoughts, in my heart, in circumstance and events, in words of those around me or even in revealing Yourself and Your thoughts in Your Word as I have come to know deeper as of late.

   Okay so this is you fighting against what you believe is a dark or hard time ... you said just a few sentences ago (with an air of disgust or unbelief at your lack of belief or trust in Me) that the facade of what those times really are ... are just that... these times and situations are not what they present themselves as (or more accurately your fear paints them as) They are not huge, dark and scary. Sure they are not easy or even comfortable but can I bring You through them without being right there beside You? no... being right inside you? Sure I may exist in a form or way that your eyes or eyes of your heart may not yet know, thus cannot see through lack of understanding, but that doesn't mean I am not there! Look back at what I just walked you through... I asked you to see Me in a different way, to interact with Me in a new way, to trust me when you couldn't reason through what was happening. Because of my brilliant ways you knew you were arguing between Me in one form over Me in a new form and you couldn't grasp any logical argument cause the fight was for Me either way and if it was Me how could one be better than the other???  But really, think about it... you don't need to be concerned with how I burn away your selfishness ... trust Me to do that messy stuff. I love you Tam ... my desire for you to want me the way I want you is beyond measuring. So just keep your eyes on Me on KNOWING Me. Fear? It has no place between us! Connect fear with the word trust how about? As soon as you feel it rising up ask yourself ... "if I am really trusting Jesus with my whole life what do I have left to be afraid of? Like really."

   Father, thank You. Here I have been stewing in this for a few days and once again due to the love I cannot explain You come. You come and sit with me and talk to me. The weight of what lengths You go to love me is not lost on me. It breaks me every time. And I love You Father ... Jesus You know I can't look in Your eyes without going all soft... and Holy Spirit oh the rivers of thanks that flow from my very soul that You are with me... so faithful.

 

You know Jesus, I don't suppose anything. But I expect anything.  

    I have realized to a deeper level that leadership or standing in a prominent role carries with it alot of weight and responsibility. Not that I would shirk from it but the allure of personal glory in holding a role or in works is not something that catches my eye especially with the weight that comes with it. Kind of like a millstone's weight. Take away any selfish motives whether private or public... let them sink away tarnished in light of Your glory and beauty.

   I see Your face and You are laughing that joyful, soul filled laugh that resonates and begs all those that hear to join in. Your eyes close as You laugh again... everything about Your face is just so free and true... You know what it is to laugh and feel ridiculously good probably as true as You know the depth to which pain and separation goes... to the depths of hell itself.
   Your face becomes more somber but doesn't completely lose Your joy.  I see something else in Your eyes now, it is a sharing, an understanding, a depth and You don't hide it at all. You don't break our gaze but allow me to look, soaking in everything, to read all that I can.
   Jesus, I know I haven't earned a right to be here just like I know no one can.  I cannot grasp any logic to Your mercy so I embrace, with love and gratitude, the chance to be here with You. Your love and grace defies any explanation really.  Regardless, it definitely ... is.
   I haven't felt as lonely lately. didn't really realize that till now. You must be up to something... like really. Don't think I didn't see that glint in Your eye just now, lol. How bout You Jesus... You okay? You know what? I like even how that rolled off my tongue because I know that You, alone, really know me and what I mean and how sincerely I ask. It's frustrating at times when I try to reach out and it doesn't go anywhere close to where I hope. But how can we really know one another? and our intent? This brings me to You though, I am so intrigued with You and Your Father... that whole relationship while You were here was crazy close.  I know He spoke to You all the time just because of where You went, what You did and what You said. Could You teach me that? No that's not quite right is it... could You enable me to be submitted so completely to You and so in love with You alone that this reality could exist between us too? LOL... could You please make me like You? Like the man of many sorrows. I look up to Your eyes and catch that flash of emotion that makes me remember the contrasts. While living the life that Your Father was so very proud of, You endured opposition, misunderstanding, rejection, and pain of so many kinds in others that I am convinced You felt Yourself. The way I see it right now is this ... I believe I am willing to endure whatever pain comes, due to my desire to live in a relationship with You that is as close as possible. You got through it because of Your Father, You were never alone.  I remember You saying that to Your disciples just before they abandoned You to Your death. So I think that any pain I would face will  never be something I would do alone. In fact I think it would bind us together in depth and layers ... well I don't know, perhaps on my side at least lol... as You are already loving me perfectly. Nothing would be able to dim the light of the life lived in You. Nope nothing. So Jesus, again I say, take all of me. Now. Please touch my mind that I may know... my eyes that I will see... my heart that I would love like You.  Teach me to be like You.

Facing our own layers. Owning up to what is inside of ourselves. 

   Why do we fear reaction? Why do we fear and hide things? Why do things like jealousy and anger surface? We are not only not living in true love but it screams out that we have things we need to look at and surrender to You.  I'm beginning to believe our biggest sacrifice will be our selfishness. 
The desire we have to protect ourselves the knee jerk reaction to cover, defend, manipulate and fulfill what we believe we need and deserve is so strong.  To see it for what it is ... is absolutely the first step towards denying it and taking up our cross to follow Jesus completely and wholeheartedly.
 
   Let's take jealousy as an example. This violent reaction can spring up at a moment's notice and the biggest cause is someone who is 'claimed' by you for faithful love and support is somehow wooed by another. This event can cause a few reactions. One is an angry, protective move because that one claimed, is there to love you alone... sharing is not an option because it may lessen what you receive and we all want as much love from others as we can.  Another reaction is fear. If we lose the one we've claimed it may prove that we are actually not worthy of it in the first place perhaps (and this may be the biggest fear), that we are unlovable. All of these responses are completely self centered they never consider any of the others in the circumstance. This is not love at all. This is not God.  Not the love that He commands us to love with. 
   Being tied up with selfishness not only keeps us in bondage but it walls out Jesus and His love to enter into our lives.  It prevents us from being free to actually love as we are being loved by Him. 
   Jesus, I know I have alot to yet learn and face. And although I am scared to look inside at times I would rather go through that kind of pain than to exist only in part throughout my existence here on earth.

   The second thought today was linked to being bold enough to face what is inside with the intent to deal with it. It is in the risk of being honest with God and ourselves. As with the Samaritan woman whom Jesus led to a spiritual level and understanding only by her being vulnerable and honest. By admitting the way she was living, she opened herself up to more possible attack or judgement of shame and disdain for who she was and what she was doing (and despite how much she was already enduring) YET she was honest and took the risk of further hurt. What happened ?  She was instead set free ... she was given spiritual sight; realizing that she was having an intimate encounter with God... she, who was an outcast, a failure, a throw away. If she had answered any other way she would have missed this moment and gone away continuing to exist in her current state. Never fully aware of what was actually being held out to her. A redemption... that she indeed had worth, purpose, and was in fact loved so much by God that He met her Himself.
 
Hear the message... Heed the words... Take the risk. 

Journal excerpt  Dec 14/10

I need You Jesus.

It is just You and I as all around us goes dark, for there is no relevence in what surrounds us.  I could even close my eyes... for all that matters is, what I know is true ... that You are holding me. The reason I laugh Reader is remembering all the times I want to 'see' and even in specific ways and when it comes right down to it is it any more tangible than what I know as truth? I close my eyes and exhale, letting go of what already threatens to pile up... and when I breathe in ... I breathe in You. Holy, Holy, Holy, You are my God, my Saviour, my Love, my Father , my Rescuer... You are Life. You are my life. I hear You speaking into my hair but I do not know the Words... the language. You speak to me but not as me alone but corporately as Your bride, Your body. You seem to pour out Your thoughts and desires and passions, even tears slide down as You recall generation after generation of Your Beloved. Your love and who You are come out in a rush of words and melody that are so sweet to hear that it almost breaks my heart. For with truth... there is realization, with realization... there is humbling, with humbling... there is a wave of the depth of Your Grace and in the face of Your Grace the tide aches to return to the sea, to be complete, to Know and be Known... to love with the love that You have filled us up with first.

Now there is a silence that is as thick as a blanket of down... my adoration, my love for You floods over and over again, deep within my soul but the beauty of being still and in Your arms hold it's own reverence, Holiness. As long as You want Jesus... as long as You want.

Go and hold my Beloved... Go out with abandon as I am holding you, hold those all around you, those I will bring to you... I will fill you with a knowing, a leading, forever tune in to my stirring and movements, my whispers and calls... hear my heart that has been written down and echo it. You are in my Word for a deep purpose continue in it... be consumed.
  
Here I am send me. Dec 8/10

   How are You doing today? 
   Jesus, if we were standing together right now this is what I'd do ... I'd take You by the hand and we would walk to that rise over there. The sun is still low but climbing quickly.  Sitting on the top of the picnic table I am on Your left, I put my arm around You and rest my head on Your shoulder. We would spend as much time as You wanted just being still and quiet, soaking in each other's presence and the beauty of what Your hands, Your Word has made. After a time, I would sit behind You giving You a back massage... with each touch I would want You to know the depths of my love and devotion to You.

   Now we are sitting on the bench and You are holding me. The words echo through my mind " If you can be all about Me then you will never need to worry about you. Let Me be about you. Your sight will then become my sight... your heart as mine.  What you do will be only about the Father. What you will witness in these days will be unlike any other... this is where real truth is revealed the lies of humanity and it's desire to preserve and protect itself will fall into shards; like glass falling upon the foundation of Rock, the eternal truth...that lie so ready to be broken yet left untouched by so very many. In this day of true sight the heavens will be broken open and you will see the spiritual as clearly as the physical. Your breath will catch as You see my Glory revealed ... purpose will take on new meaning. Even suffering takes on a new cloak.  When you ache and cry out it will not be for yourself it will be for those around you that both create, sometimes unknowingly, such depth of pain and brokenness and feel wave after wave of assault from this world. Your pain will not be lessened and instead may be increased but it is not borne alone... this pain is one that is shared shoulder to shoulder with Me. And as real as it is, it is wound inexplicably with cords of love and in your deepest mourning you will feel the depths of my undeniable love, passion and the strength of my presence.. for where you are, there I AM."

I close my eyes and try to contain the fact that You spoke this to me. 

Journal entry...Dec 7/10

   So Jesus I have that unsettled feeling this morning but it isn't a bad thing ... it is that 'on the verge of something' feeling. I have no one to talk to about it except the only one who would understand it completely.  For somehow, I think it is from You or in response to You being near me.
 
   Too often I am afraid to step forward and I haven't known what to do with that but I want to neither be afraid of failing or of succeeding. I want to let that perspective fall away discarded as a useless view. I want instead to follow in obedience because of my love for You. For to be in either camp of failure or success does me no good but to force me to look at myself ... to become consumed with all things me and how I should handle it. The other, however, offers an existence in Your presence. A freedom to love as I follow You or walk alongside You or am carried by You.

Journal entry... Sept 5/11, 9:39am

You tell me why things happen in the order they do.

You tell me why, when we see things play out, we aren't constantly on our faces in awe of a God that takes the time to love us so intimately and in the greatest of detail.

You tell me.

I connect somehow and I come to understanding through seeing and experiencing. There is always a huge limit to what I will experience through the day to day of my physical life. Decisions made will affect not only who I meet but where I am.  Therefore it just stands to reason that there is just so many things I could never be apart of, to experience, or to know.  However, I believe in God who isn't limited by anything. He seems to be using the 'sight' He's given me, to teach me and pull me along lines of understanding not just mentally but emotionally and spiritually. I am not sure to what degree others take what they watch and what they witness, what they hear in the emotion of another's voice and assimilate it into 'like feeling it for oneself' but I think God is using this avenue for me. Interestingly He isn't letting me rely on this alone for learning. He has been stretching me to KNOW and have FAITH in who He is ... apart from what I know (or in spite of what I know) He keeps putting into my days ... moments. Things that I could perceivably brush off (and unfortunately I'm sure I do far too often) . Sometimes they are... "did you see me there?" or "what if that is true... what does that mean to you? or where will a response from you lead?" Although many of my moments at the outset make me think this is so far beyond what I know or even have been taught that I feel that I must be the only one taking this step into the unknown. But on the other side of it (or in the midst of it) I think ... no I'm sure others are here, also being asked to enter into the understanding that leads to a living faith, but it may not look like me. In light of the fact that we are wonderfully made and with such individuality means that steps towards Him are also delightfully varied and when we are brave enough to share where and what God is doing with us it could, most possibly, draw out others to share and thus fill out the intimate knowing of Him within the body of Christ. The variety of ways is never in contradiction for when it is of God; He is. He cannot be anything but truth... He cannot be false.

So now I don't feel like I have to make you like me. And I don't need you to be like me so I don't feel alone. But I want to be brave and share myself lost in Him to you so that you will feel that much more free to share about Him in you. Nov. 17 10

   Morning Jesus, I realize alot of things are true and alot are not. I realize while some things are eternal, I am still stuck in the temporal. I realize that there are some things I can never seem to find words for and they are often the things I wish I could spend most of my life immersed in... emotion thick enough in the reality of You that I could scoop up a handful of it and watch it slowly drip between my fingers. I continue to wrestle with just how much of You I can have while still here on earth. 

   There is no darkness that is greater than Your light. 

   Where will we meet Jesus?

Jesus it is much later and I know I only have a few minutes but I needed to come anyways. I have been thinking about You. I would love to meet. Earlier when I typed that what I thought of was... right where you are. And so I went ahead with the daily activities thinking of You. Jesus I think the thing I want most is to always be in Your presence and to always feel that connection with You. The wonderful ache of loving You and being loved by You. If we were together right now and right here I would want to hear You.... I would breathe in deep to see if I could catch a scent of You. I would feel Your hands on mine on this keyboard. 
journal excerpt... Nov. 11/10

   Half the day is gone Jesus but a thought won't leave me.  

   Okay a while back, just after moving here, I remember the night where I asked if I could smell You. It made You laugh but here's what. Since that night I have had two specific times where I know I smelled Your presence. I know that will sound most bizarre to whoever might read this but...  it's real. I believe it was linked to meeting someone and touching them, once a hug and once a handshake, but after a significant amount of time, when I smelled that scent,  it was not them I instantly thought about ... it was You. It was one of those powerful and almost too overwhelming to comprehend moments when I realized it was You, because what basis do I have for that? So for my mind to wrap itself around that left me reeling. I have missed meeting You (with my senses) I really have. 
   Another moment caught me off guard when I was talking to Shauna. I was recalling Brother Lawrence and the fact that You would literally show him a future situation You were sending him into so that he would confidently do it with absolutely no worry... that linked also with Daniel and how the progression of Your relationship led him to actually meeting You, hearing You and being touched by You. So in awe I was saying whoa why can't we be like that?  I think about that now and wonder how do I forget what You do for me? With me?  How about when we love others with Your love and perhaps in not being able to comprehend it logically we don't realize just how miraculous it is... how close the supernatural is... The smell experience also reminds me of how You are really there in others. Huh.  
excerpt from journal entry... Nov 8/11

   Jesus I had a few thoughts while washing the dishes this morning; about our imperfection and how that is more a consistent thing than perfection. You are the only thing that is perfect I know that and in our hunger for You, I suppose ... in our longing to be like You, we long for perfection. However, our demand for and desire of perfection is tainted badly by our 'craver', our human nature, and it is used to justify our own faults as we hold up and judge those around us as... just as broken as us or more so (we think). We use it as power to elevate ourselves as we step on those who can lift us higher. Okay got on a bit of a tangent there... I was thinking of love.
   Loving one another... even this we don't do perfectly (except when You firmly take us out of the picture and pour out Your love through us) We could, even in the extreme of sacrificial love, do so in error. Thinking that our actions are in the best interest of the one we love we could make decisions and carry out action (even to our own detriment) that because we are not You we do without the full picture and thus err. So again I ask... why do we expect those around us to love us perfectly? They are not capable, only You are. Only You know us from beginning to end as well as understanding the big picture and the workings of the tapestry of this time here. I think we need to just let people be people leave the being God to You. It is only Your acceptance and approval that matter and in letting You be God we can enjoy the diversity of the people around us so much more because we are not internally asking them to fulfill what is only Your role in our lives. Brilliantly You binds us together as You work and show up through us and those around us. How deeply exciting is it to share that passion and sight of You with one another... and in sharing the desire to love and worship You alone, instead of one another, we gain a power that we can barely comprehend.

   You awaken something within me Jesus something bigger than I can grasp... something of brilliant color and at other times... the beauty of contrasts. The curves and lines of letters, the reckless abandon of emotion, the ability to speak to the one who looks at it... but not words of my own they are Your words and messages. Huh. And it is big. Beyond me for sure.

   We sit on a rocky outcropping ... it is smooth beneath us while the rock at our backs is warm with veins of color running through it. We sit side by side. The air is so still and it is as if a blanket of quiet has fallen over the whole view. I lean my head back against the rock wall and close my eyes to feel the sun's warmth and just to soak into my memory this whole experience. You slide over and pull me close, with Your arm around my shoulders. I am not anxious for anything but a wave of love rushes through me making a tear slide down in the face of the love I have for You.    Remember the motorcycle ride? Oh do I... even down the smell of Your leather coat... the speed and the light as it fell between the trees onto the abandoned road. And seeing You in the man still makes me almost laugh out loud... I loved that lesson! Hard to match would be the honor of ministry on the battlefield with You... these things are causing change in me. 
   I can make color explode across this sky... or I can cloak it in the darkness and bring out the brilliance of the starry hosts. There is nothing I can not do. And yet You sit here with me. 
   Thanks for coming to me in the ocean and getting up from the bench to tell me how much You loved me and were excited to see me. Thanks for holding me when I have nothing left inside... absolutely nothing. Thank You for letting me lie my head on Your lap and cry as You stroke my hair. Thank You for the city. Who am I ... really... to have You brilliantly draw me to You in a place and way that is so You but feels like You and me. You make me feel so special.
Oct. 19/10 journal entry. 

   If I am not to let emotion rule me and I am to let You be about me instead of me. If I need to rest on what is Truth... who You are; then I need help right now. Jesus I am glad You KNOW me. I would be very lonely otherwise. How can anyone else ever be expected to fill that need that we have... to be KNOWN and loved despite it all. Jesus fill my heart and mind with where You want my thoughts and vision to be.  Just had a thought... everyone around me judges me against a backdrop of what they think is perfect or ideal. I am not only unable to live up to anyone's standards (which interestingly will be different for every person) but it is as hopeless to try to do that, as it is to try to be 'good enough' for the salvation of my soul. We are not perfect so why do we keep expecting it of everyone around us? We are warped.  Sadly.

   I made it through most of today but I am here again on the threshold of allowing others to control me indirectly through reaction and response. I need to hold onto You and refocus. 
   Journal entry... Oct. 18/10

   Jesus I did have a great night last night. The thing that stays with me still though is that You are right here with me. I want to be more and more aware of Your presence till it becomes tangible to me. I want this badly. For what else is there really? Everything spills out of You ... of us being together and KNOWING one another. 
   Jesus?  Yes? I want to call on Your 'plentitude' for me ... I am feeling that familiar ache of needing to be loved, seen and heard . I normally would look for it in others but I know that that will not satisfy this deep longing because it is You I actually hunger for. So I want to give You this loneliness because wrapped up in the desire to be near You is selfishness and insecurity too. 
   Oh wow.. I just  wrote that I wasn't going to look for this in others and what did I just do... I texted 3 people. Looking at it I see something interesting... when I am in an emotional place bad or good I often want to pour out some love on those in my life.  It's like I want to make sure that others don't feel unheard or unloved... so I reach out.
   Jesus will You meet me today? Really meet me? I will wait here I can't seem to move. 
... journal entry, Oct. 15/10

Where are You right now? I don't think I can get much closer to you lol. How real and tangible can this become? Really real. Yah. Will You teach me to live this way? I can see fears dropping away like flies in that very real presence of You. I have a long ways to go and I need to be reminded all the time but I want to be here. Yah... I want you here too. :) I am crazy in love with You Jesus. And I you.

Oct. 14/10

   Jesus I am feeling a little lost this morning. Argh.
 
So Jesus, what are You doing today? 
Walking by a river.
Cool.
Want to come? 
Okay.
Who am I?
God.
So what about all your thoughts and worries?
I figure if I stay focused on You things will stay the proper size.
So can you do that? 
With Your help lol.
Here's a rock throw it in.

  In the river, the rock is completely immersed by the water.  It becomes a small part of the river bed but pretty much at the mercy of the water, moved by it; gradually shaped by it.
Sit with Me here. Where are we?
We are sitting on a boulder looking at the river as it runs by, we can enter it or not, we can drink it or not, we hear it. With all it's strength and seeming endlessness we are not controlled by it.
It's rather exciting being with You there is so much enjoyment, freedom, possibilities.  I like being with You.
Then stay with Me. Tired? Stay closer.  

 Love you Jesus. morning of Oct. 12/11

Well Jesus I made it through this day amazingly well... especially considering I've been on the doorstep of being sick.  I think I managed to stay out of the river and stay by Your side instead. By Your grace alone. :) Have I mentioned that I love You lately? I really, really do.  Interesting, that water holds so many lessons... I like what that book has to say... about the impact of a life lived with eternity as a focus instead of the present world. Nice. I think that was what today was all about.

journal entry night of Oct. 12/11

Morning Jesus this week has zoomed by and it is crazy how little I have come to sit down by You.
So how are You doing? How are You feeling? What has been happening?

    I sit on the edge of my chair eager to hear anything You share. This makes You smile. I like that. I saw You yesterday Jesus. :) It was in a look of JJ's while she sang and it was in the exchange of looks between a couple... I cannot describe just how beautiful that was. It nearly takes my breath away. Huh. I really love You. I reach out to touch You... I touch Your knee and then You offer Your hand. I grasp it in both of mine and sigh, I cannot get enough of You. I look up again into Your eyes and look... really look, at what You are saying. I love my people so bad it hurts... I ache for the time that all is as it is intended and You are all here where I have prepared a place for you. You are here with Me. I don't just see you, I feel... I know the pain you are walking through, I hear your cries of brokenness and loss. The heat of rage is not lost I feel it's intensity as it courses throughout your body. The tragedy of being wrapped in a blindfold of lies and what it wroughts out in your life ... I watch, I reach out, I speak truth that heals and frees, I speak a truth that rebukes and binds up the dark, I speak truth. I speak love. ... can you hear me? are you listening? Ache for Me... as I ache for you! 
   Oh that my arms are like the arms of all your Beloved... I stand up and move onto Your lap so that I can wrap You up in an embrace. I hold You with firmness, I hold You with purpose, I hold You in love. Oh that I could love You more. I draw back and touch Your face. You are so beautiful... how You can carry such depth of love and know such pain yet reflect such peace and love and joy... it's crazy to wrap my mind around. Your eyes smile at me ... what an amazing honor it is having this  relationship with You... one that You don't need but You want.  Huh. 

Oct 8/10... journal entry.

   I don't have much inside, Jesus, but I know I'd love to meet.

   If we were on a boat... we'd be where we can see no land. The sun would be warm and bright with the occasional clouds giving relief.  For a while, we lie down in the bottom of the boat and let the waves rock us. The sounds of the water against the boat and the movement soon put me fast asleep.
   In my dream we are standing in the dark then You reach for my hand and we start walking. When we sit down You are holding a ball of light between Your hands. You hold it up higher with one hand and with the other catch a drop of light that falls from it. Setting down the ball we come very close and look intently at the drop. People are walking by or running, sometimes with another, sometimes alone. There are hills of green grass and a very big leafy tree atop the highest hill. You incline Your ear to hear the softly spoken words of someone under the tree.  I mimic You and listen in too. The words are heavy with the deepest sincerity and urgency. They long for Your presence. 
   We are suddenly right there beside them.  As they lift up their voice to You, Father, Jesus too joins in and speaks in a tongue that eloquently and with complete understanding, intercedes for them. 

... journal entry...Oct 4/10

My head hurts Jesus and I didn't get a letter from You.

I realize that in the absence of physical things there hides a richer reality that far outweighs. I realize that You are my best friend and so much more. I hate that when I have a week that is far away, for it is just that. I miss You but even though my tears come I am thankful for what I don't have. I am thankful that in what I lack I am learning to come to You for. I am thankful that You honor me with that relationship.

I am sorry when I am late.

Oct. 1/10

Okay so I need to wrap this concept around in my wee little mind. 

I am, truly, NOT the main (character) person in life. 

God...You are. 

Hmmmm.

Sept. 29/10

   I don't know how to feel today... It is one of the first Sunday's in a while that I have felt so out of sorts. I used to feel like this all the time. Jesus I am kind of lost... enough that I don't even know what to talk about. How about You talk? Or we can meet and just share the silence together. 

   We are at the end of a long pier. There is built in seats along the railing but we climb up on the railing and sit down looking out across the water. The regular rhythm of the tide is nagging at the edge of our conscious awareness because our thoughts cast us out far... and wide... and deep. I know I am far too aware of myself, of spinning thoughts that circle and point to me, me, me. I am not happy here nor content. The crazy thing is I don't even really know what I am going on about yet it strands me on an island of discontent where the weeds of poor me grow strong and tall. I look over at You and want to ask... will You rescue me from here? Will You take me away from this place? Or do we need to talk about why I am here first? Your look is serious like You really want me to understand and know what You are about to say. Remember ... think about what I have been telling you lately. Well one of the strongest lessons is that under Your obvious authority and power we can exist in an almost unexplainable freedom that doesn't depend on circumstance or others or even ourselves.

...Sept 26/10 journal entry...

His footfalls pounded in a rush of fear

Sending frenzied clouds of dust up in the stale dead air

He fights his way away from what threatens to suffocate

Killing that part of him he's hung onto

With tired and bleeding hands

Breaking out of the prison of invisible bars

He gulps in the night air filled with promise but mixed with the fallen

tears streaming down his face

He continues to run towards the light

Scared to blink that it might disappear he presses on

Despite the yelling and catcalls

He suddenly breaks into the circle of light; he stops

It's as if a hush has fallen upon the world

A single note calls out in a purity that hits his very heart

He answers back walking deeper into the light

He disappears as he is immersed in what he has known all along

The melodic and harmonic, minors and accidentals

Blending into a masterpiece of the Divine.

The mournful wail of the one left in the dirty corridor

Sounds in the discordant way of despondency and despair

Choosing not to leave

The familiarity of this broken lost way.


Sept 23/10
Hey Jesus... I love it when You help me really listen.  I want to say with every fibre of my being... thank You.