March 17/11
Day 9 of lent... part 2

    So Jesus, even though it's the same day I needed a new page I don't want to think right now. I just want to be with You. I know that I probably will be interrupted in a few minutes but I wanted to take this time to tell You that. I need You to be my comfort thing. Not that anything has gone badly today except my losing my temper... sorry about that.

   If I was wrapped up in Your arms right now, I would be okay with You telling me You weren't going to fix this. If I were in Your arms right now, I would think instead about how much I need You inside me to deal with each moment that is coming...  despite whether it is good or bad. If I were in Your arms, I would sigh with relief and I would breathe You in. I think I would feel my weakness in Your arms.  I would feel my weariness. But I think I would feel something more... as I gave over my own solutions, my worry, concern over myself and wondering what was coming... I would feel Your Spirit seeping in to fill in the place of things I was laying down. To tell the truth though, I don't think even this would make me want to let go of You. I believe there would be a bit of desperation in my grip of not wanting to move from Your embrace.

  And then my tears start to spill.
    But I'm not letting go Tam. I know. So why do you feel fear even though you didn't want to type that word? Cause I don't want to lose this kind of connection with You... I'm not good at seeing or feeling lately. Really? Well... I guess that's not accurate, I am seeing and hearing but it's cause I keep messing up. But there is value in that right? Sadly I know the answer is yes. Is it any sweeter to meet me when things are going good and you are doing well than when you are feeling alone, lost, and sorry? No. Things get stripped away when I am struggling... I see that You are all I have and really want and desperately need. Yet it is You that I have hurt and gone away from or been in opposition to.

So what would make me 'feel' the most ... you stumbling or you actually seeing and running to Me, choosing Me? Me wanting You. 

I hear that hum in Your chest as You gently rock me in Your embrace.
  
   Don't be scared. Yah... I am Yours ... whom shall I fear. Not even the craver. So I have to ask ... why have you put off sending that email? I'm not really sure, surfacely. Huh. You might want to find that out. Are you going to offend someone? Will you create a division? Hard feelings? Will you be looked down upon? Disregarded? Not heard? Does any of that matter? Really? Could you hinder something by not sharing with the body something that's clearly important to you right now? Does a part of the body operate on it's own? Have I asked enough questions? lol... well I get the point... I'll be thinking about this for a while.