You aren't surprised by us.
 
   Jesus,I know that a little more all the time. In my bemoaning the feeling of failure earlier today I remember stating that I made You sad. Did I really? I also remember being asked that over and over by the prayer lady at the encounter weekend.... over my regret in past events. She seemed to sink it in a smidge that perhaps I didn't make You sad... that our failures are expected and as I think now, You've already made the necessary arrangements ... necessary sacrifices to atone for them all. I know the whole "it's not about me" lesson that continues to cycle over and again but I want to add something to it tonight... I don't control You. Not my sin, not my emotions, not anything. You know it all and have made not only the way... but You weave into and throughout it all threads of beauty and learning and change. Redemption that catches the light and sparkles back it breathtaking beauty or the turning of black and blood red threads into the greens of new growth blues of the open clear skies that go on and on...

   I want in Jesus. Wherever this boat is taking or teaching me I want to get all I can from this. I would love to see it from Your perspective ... perhaps this is a case of going through something to gain understanding or experience to serve and love someone else later on (cause it really isn't about me). Do You ever ask someone to endure something for another? Well I suppose if we are in the process of being You to those around us that would make sense to me. But I am not assuming I don't have something very important to learn through this experience too. I know that the depth and width of stuff I need to wade through to be able to know and draw closer to You is mind boggling. Ahh, better put... the pruning that needs to take place by Your hand is much.

   If we were to look down upon myself in that boat  right now I would think... I need to get to a thought, a realization... then all this time drifting will be more than worthwhile it will be the dark backdrop that contrasts the colors and shapes that take the forefront... that makes the deep beauty strike the onlooker that passes by.

   I turn to look at You. I reach out and take hold of Your hand... smiling I turn and lead You to a deep red cushy chair. I sweep out a hand of invitation to come and sit. You catch my smile and it becomes an honest laugh of joy as You move by me and sit down with a release of breath and a drawing in of the contentment or peace of sharing the unspoken. For a while I just sit at Your feet, being near. Then I lift Your foot and massage it rubbing in lotion and enjoying the scent that lingers in the air as I work to do my very best. After a time I rest Your foot on my lap and reach to start on the other one. So intent in what I am doing I realize I haven't even glanced up to see what You are thinking. I sneak a quick glance and Your eyes hold mine... the power You have in Your eyes is arresting. Really. I just want to love You Jesus... despite what I take myself through and where I allow the world to lead me it all seems to crumble and blow away in Your presence. All I want is You ... to love You. I cannot grasp the honor of being so near to You even yet... but I know I am consumed with a soul's deepest gratitude and worship in the face of Your love.

... journal entry Feb 28/11.