Jesus ... when I was reading in John 12 I felt such a crazy strong feeling as I read about You coming into the city. I wondered... what would I feel if I was there and perhaps I know...

    I would have been desperate to see You, even to catch a glimpse of You amongst the crowd. Of course I would have wanted more, Your attention, Your words. In the mood cast during the preparation for Passover would have run two things I think... the high that a King was really present... a Messiah. (He raised that guy from the dead! who can argue that?) The other would have be just as real, as undeniable as a bad taste in your mouth, as fear stealthily snuck up behind you and worked it's way up your spine. Despite the loud Hosannas there was still fear and that, maybe, made the Hosannas all the louder. To drown out that whisper. Fear that something big was about to happen of universal and eternal importance and would I be ready? So many had constantly been looking over their shoulders to see if the Pharisees and their spies were there. Don't get me started in wondering which friend might betray me and report a conversation that was thought to be whispered safely. The constant weighing inside the soul of the risk of stepping out in faith of this Messiah, the inevitable fallout of consequences in be publicly bold. What about my family, my lifestyle, my security what use will I be when I am discarded by the ruling force of our culture? Yet undeniably it is held on the scale by the equally big fear that by not coming out and committing to it I may miss the biggest opportunity in my entire life and be left behind (cause look what He has done... remember what He has said ... and the power it all had and how it stirred something in the depths of my soul that has never been stirred before... I'll never forget when He looked right at me, I couldn't even breath right)

   Who has ever really thwarted the Pharisees? How do they hold this tight control over so many well look at the track record look at what they can do... What if I step out and they kill Him? what then? But what if He wins and I find myself on the wrong side? How would I ever pick up the pieces of my broken soul knowing that I really did know... and I chose wrong?

    I need to see Him! I need to see Him to tip this scale! Something happens when you get near Him ... what if I don't get near enough... GOD Help me get close enough!

    Pushing and being pushed amongst this now frenzied crowd I claw my way closer to the road. My breathing shallow and hard but not out of effort but out of the desperation inside the deepest part of my soul. I keep glancing up in my efforts to get nearer and then it's like all around me suddenly goes silent I see their mouths moving, bodies jostling but as my eyes meet Yours my sharp intake of breath is accompanied by that curious ring of silence. You are looking right at me. You. How? Me? You. Oh... it is You... God. I feel my legs begin to give out and the clamour all around me assaults my senses once again. I lose my balance as another seeks to get closer and by the time I right myself again I only see the back of His head. My soul is reeling in the sudden wave of awe and brokenness in the face of really knowing... I stand there, still, but before I will myself to go back I look again and in the briefest of moments He looks back and I see that flicker of a smile catch on His lips and light His eyes and then He is gone swallowed by the crowd and palm branches, the noise. I walk away in a stupor still reeling in what I now know and have decided.

    The grip with which I hold the truth would most likely, in the physical, leave my hands bloodied as I stubbornly refuse to release even in the slightest degree. I stopped whispering that day and when I looked around to see who was listening it wasn't in fear but almost in daring... who would hear me today? ((I Won't Back Down)) His words are still echoing inside...I remember the drop in my stomach when He said "The light is with you for a little longer. Walk while You have the light, so that the darkness may not overtake You. If You walk in the darkness, you do not know where you are going. While you have the light believe in the light, so that you may become children of light." The fear that flashed inside at His saying goodbye was instantly soothed by the thick promise of still being lead, the thrill in the freedom of knowing and the warmth of being part of His family. And even though I didn't have words for this at the time somewhere I knew.

    What happened next and the speed with which it all took place was nearly blinding. I'll never forget being swept along by that crowd that seemed possessed, hearing them scream over and over for Jesus' blood, His life... sickness washed over me as I realized what was in motion the taste of bile in my mouth at even the thought of His suffering... at first no words sounded from my lips but then the faint sound of my screaming "NO! You don't see No! No! Don't You get it... He really is God Wait!" fell hopelessly to the ground and was trampled over and again by the blind hate emanating from the crowd. Once again I was at the mercy of the crowd and was pushed along. The sound all around me that seemed so thick I should be able to touch it faded into a background blurr as my heart and soul cried out for Him. I dredged up all I could to put words to what my soul was screaming. Suddenly I became aware of someone holding my hand... hard. I looked up to see eyes that were filled with tears their mouth was moving even though I could not hear but I knew what they were saying. I knew... that they knew... that this was God. My own tears spilled over now but I returned the tight hold on my hand with a strength I didn't realize was there. 

March 2/11