Dearest Reader, 
   The last few posts and ones to come took place during an interesting time with God.  I thought I'd let you in on the background or context to it to give a more complete picture.
 
   At the very beginning of this year God started meeting me in the Word.  It was so amazing I would be sitting there reading with my paper and pen, noting down observations and then I would ask God a question.  Time after time He would show up in a crazy real way of directing my thoughts.  I recognized it was indeed Him because in answer to my question He would give me an understanding or revelation to help lead me that was never where my own mind or logic could take me.  So really sit back and think about that.  It was as close to sitting at my kitchen table and having a conversation with Jesus as I have ever experienced.  I loved it YET.  Yet what!!!! you may exclaim... well I was so used to meeting with and seeing Jesus in my journalling and with the eyes of my heart that I missed Him desperately.  But in the delight of meeting Him a new way I felt I needed to be disciplined to meet Him that way, not stealing my time with Him there to meet with Him as I had.  I didn't after all want to miss the chance to meet Him and get to know Him in this new way.  This interaction with Him was also completely different, it wasn't as relational as the other so this would at times leave me at war within trying to reconcile Jesus in one way or a furthering of meeting Him in another. 

   Now something else was happening at the same time as this struggle with how I met with Jesus.  I was seeing with very clear eyes the depth of self(ishness).  Not people as a whole but myself.  When left to myself I chose self every time.  Even when I lamented over it in one moment summoning up all my self control (which I proudly thought I had alot of ... ironic) to fall in the next moment with a shallow, see through explanation or excuse to do so.  It was like seeing what I would be like without the presence of Jesus in my life constantly.  Or likewise seeing, as if for the first time, just how present He had been and what happened because of that.

   This was where I eventually ended up concluding... Jesus... if I never meet You again in the way I desire YET continue to meet with You, as You choose to reveal, I am okay with that.  I just always want to know You are there.