I'm not sure how to start this... Jesus has helped me take some pretty big steps into the unknown lately. Wildly though is... in addition to experiencing some pretty big changes within; I know that I am also learning some stuff I haven't even had time to process. I'm pretty sure I'll recognize it though; when it comes up ... in those moments.
Early in October while at a inner healing conference God showed up in some powerful ways. He even spoke to me outside of the conference through my sister-in-law who had a vision for me... She started off with the observation that I am NOT a water person. (never learned to swim well and I have experienced a few moments of panic while in the stuff). I was on a pebbly beach on the shore of a lake. It is very beautiful and here's the thing... Jesus is inviting me into the water. There is an assurance that I will be safe there. He is the water. That night before falling asleep the thing that overwhelmed me with a very deep delight was that I could go right under the water and stay as long as I wanted! I would not need to come up for air. I would be able to breathe. I cannot explain how deeply this amazed and delighted me that I was being invited into that.
Right at the same time my world shifted in our day to day reality as well. With my husband leaving his job this also meant we would be without a home. We have only 3 months to find out the where and what we should do. Have to admit I have many ups and downs (some very hard emotional days) but wow what a learning ground. After a month of considering and wondering and, yes, stress and worry, I realized that in my very frequent cries for Jesus to be present He was taking me to the city. But in my unrest I wasn't taking the time to be there with Him. Here's my journal entry...

Hi Jesus, I am here and I know where we are... we are in the city. We are side by side on the hill. We've been here a few times, mostly with others but now it is just us. You have brought me here a few times now but I haven't stayed here long enough to see or hear. But I am here now. Jesus what do You want me to see? What do You want me to hear? You are on my left and we are fairly close to the treeline on the east side. The hill drops off quite quickly and the grass is lush and green. It flows down and down. We can see so far. To far away rises and different wooded areas that hint of the stream at their feet. What am I looking at Jesus? Promise. Hmmm. Is that promise of who You are? Or is that promise of what is coming? You know Jesus, I think it could be an answer of both but then I am wondering am I allowed to ask really specific questions? You laugh, then turn to me smiling. Yes. My answers aren't always specific in return but that is wrapped up in purpose too. Yes I can see that and I wouldn't want it any other way. I've always wanted to live in the moment of deep need / trust in You. This really is that moment and I like holding onto that line of peace that tells me that You are still very much in control. I am continually praying for Your mercy though... we all make up 6 very different lives and that draws deep pause within that my own motives would come up very short for the others and that would be so unfair. And so I cry out for Your mercy... only in You... only where You call... only Your first choice please. I look up and Your smile broadens and You reach over and touch my cheek. Oh my Holy God... thank You so much for loving me. Tears of awe and relief spring to my eyes so easily lately... I love You soooo much Jesus. So much. We both turn and look out again. Sitting silently, my eyes roam back and forth, far to near... what is this spacious land? This wide place? It is a place for you. For me alone? Or for my family and I? As soon as that popped out I thought 'nope that wasn't the right response'... let me try again. Thank You Jesus! I turn to smile at You... thank You. I scootch closer and tuck in right by Your arm. Holding it tightly I lean in as close as I can. For us. Ohhh that sounds good. Will we be walking / journeying into it soon? Yes....

Hey Jesus, I am finally back... I want to talk to You so bad. I realize it is my fault that I am hesitant to hear You... I am doubting You and I need to say I am sooo sorry. Jesus please be merciful and help me get beyond my lack of faith in You. I know You are faithful. I know this... You are ultimately the most able, Sovereign, my creator and the lover of my soul. The only One worthy of all trust and faith and love is You. Jesus please forgive me again for my doubt reflected in my action. Okay so can we go back to the hill? You grab my hand and we are there. Instead of sitting down though we start walking down the hill... really? You smile down at me. You know Jesus, I had a thought today... I think I glimpsed slightly what Moses was feeling or thinking when You told him You wouldn't be going with him (them) anymore. And how it became "then we aren't going..." For him to go from meeting with You face to face as a friend to "... go on ahead without Me..." Wow, no way... I think I get that heart refusal. That would be like ripping out my heart and life; everything and expecting to go on. No wonder You called him friend I want to so trust You. That whether You tell me details, whether You ask me to go through trial or pain or whatever I will refuse to live outside of being right beside You. Wow I like to ramble eh? Hmmm. That's more that okay. Wow You would say that. You really love me... You enjoy me... wow. So is this place me getting into the water? Yes. Ahhh, I like that. You know as soon as Brad read that part in Revelation where there was water ... it brought tears up. You immediately took me to that prophetic word from Deb and I knew that You invited me to come into the water... to come into You. It is so humbling and so what I desire... with every fiber of my being. So I am here beside You and I am wanting this now. Do we get to go exactly where You want us as a family? Yes. Whew... I cannot tell You what a deep relief this is for my ears to hear. So is all this waiting to hear and see a part of me learning to enter the water too? Yes. Hmmm. It's awfully beautiful here Jesus... this last weekend You taught me another paradign shift but strangely without the emotion I have felt with the other shifts. I think I am just starting to realize that it is hugely powerful and necessary to where You are wanting us to be. That humbles me again. I want it too Jesus, I want it too.
Can we stop here for a moment? You nod and we sit. I look back up the hill and it shows me something ... it was very safe up there. I know You know what I mean by that. My chest is actually tightening. You are so very gentle. Jesus I don't want to even be treading water in the deepest part... I want to be IN (the water) You; right in. Holy, Holy, Holy, You are my God forever and always. Anything You ask I want to do. So how fast do we go? Wow there it goes again ... that tightening... is it Your presence or call? Or is it my fear? It doesn't make sense that it is fear does it? No. You have to cling with Your faith filled eyes to truth, to who You know I am and knowing that I KNOW you. Yes. Oh I get it... I will be able to let You be You for my family; I will let You be You for my friends, my heart friendships. Things don't depend on me... and knowing You frees that all up in me. I am not responsible I can let that rest in You. I can watch and wait and listen and be so delighted when I am asked to join in. but it is on You not me. And that likewise takes my eyes off myself for focus at all really, because I become consumed with You in all things.
I need to be held by you Jesus. We lay down and You snuggle me, holding me with Your arms... Your head by mine. You whisper so quietly in my ear... Shhh, shhh, shhh... I will forever hold you. Shhh, shhh, shhh... we are really together and I love you... my beloved. You stroke my hair and gently touch my face ... my tears cannot help but slip down my face You really are the sum of all my desires. My eyes are closed but I know night has fallen. I feel it. I open my eyes to see so many stars twinkling and playing in the night sky.. it takes me back to that distinct feeling of them being a blanket; like the world was literally being wrapped up in them. You felt very near in that moment. I realize I don't even need a fire here... You are that for me. The sky is so dazzling that this is one of those nights that there are actually shadows on the ground. We roll onto our backs my head still on Your arm. And we just lay there gazing up at the heavens. After a time of quietness. .. I turn my head to look at You. I study You. You are still looking up and I see so much in each movement of Your face, Your expressions... hey You have a dimple, cool. When You turn to return my look there is that instant intensity that requires no words... it becomes an exchange between our hearts. OH... to remain here for the rest of eternity... Holy God never let me leave You ... please let me remain here forever.
I know we are walking again because I came to another thought ... You would hold everyone of Your beloved(s) so closely and intimately ... when I look into the eyes of another.. I am looking at Your Beloved and I should be moved due this. It becomes an honor again doesn't it.. to interact, to share, to connect, most of all to love. Hmmm.
We are near the stream... no it's a river. We are back aways from it but we sit here because we see the moon and stars reflecting off it's surface as we listen to it's music. What is it saying? Really? We are now floating in the river itself ... I no longer see You but I know You. I have no sense of temperature I am on my back and am bobbing along going headfirst down the river. Can I? You laugh loudly and so full of delight so I just sink in... I keep my eyes open and turn over onto my stomach... I feel such a freedom that I whoop with it... It's kind of like flying in my dreams I swim all over... deeper and side to side rolling, spinning, playing... it is just like I thought ... I knew I'd be able to breathe! Oh this is really good. Oh my Jesus, my Jesus, there are no words... :) "Whoever serves Me, follows Me so that wherever I am there my servant will be also... Whoever serves Me, My Father honors. "

Journal entry Sept. 10, 2009...
So here goes... some curious facts today... I couldn't find my mp3 new testament so while working in the shop I was wondering if in fact You just wanted to talk? I'm afraid my listening ears aren't very good yet but You'll get me there. :) Was I just to hear that You wanted my attention? If so thank You for helping me sense that. (You delight me) While I am here using my fingers is there anything You want to say? Hmmm. Those words You gave my cousin for me were so wild. Thank You Jesus. Thinking about them, is there anything else You are saying with them? Is there more? It kind of feels like You are affirming where I am but that it is going to evolve into more ... now that changes have taken place within and still are... hmmm. While on the 'not sure' topic... I want to thank You for the excitement or what would be a better word... adventure? in taking on someone else's pain. I don't know to what extent You had this play out but it doesn't really matter. In it You have taught me to love at the presence of pain. Whenever You had my back hurt, I mostly (opps, sorry for the slip last night) related it to instant prayer for that person. And not the name dropping prayer but the heart cry, set them free and heal them prayer. So whether or not I actually took any pain on behalf of this person, a great blessing has been bestowed upon me in the midst of it all. A long time ago now, I thought I heard You ask me to do this and I just didn't know where to go with it and when I did try to explain it to someone else... it was not received well. But really, I figure, if You ask something of me... You will also help me do it in the strength and purpose of Your Spirit. It gives a new meaning to suffer for another and have nothing but joy to do it. I guess with my slip up last night in worrying about myself instead of praying and then worrying about getting my work done if... I unconsciously have tested a wee bit that when it is left in Your hands and purposes I wasn't plagued at all with selfish thoughts or worries and I only was grateful to be called to pray. Wild really when I look back. Wow, You really are cool. And You know... in listening to Your life in the gospels You did stuff over and over that others just didn't get. You kept healing on the Sabbath.. oh the frustration to the established ways ...lol... and really in this we can humanly reason out alot but like some of Your acts, perhaps this is just one of those things that isn't a way to be set up and followed in 'these circumstances' but that You are God; You are unlimited and You are as more wildly diverse than the grains of sand on the shores of the sea. Why not follow Your Spirit and be free to heal, to love, to connect in whatever way You ask of us? In these wildly unknown ways You do not seem to leave us wondering if it is You. I think, although there is often a complete lack of reason or understanding of why or future results, it comes with a soul knowing somehow. Hmmm that reminds me of the place in the city. Where would that be in my journals Jesus?

Here is a flashback ...it is in March...

Hey Jesus I am back. Thanks. So back to where I was before. I have some wonderings that I don't even really have the words for. While reading I flashed to Your words about my friends not having much time. Strange or not I wondered for the first time if it was necessarily their time that was short. But perhaps mine? Or mine with them? Or mine here? That got me to thinking or wondering if how sometimes Your words mean one thing at one time and then as You open our eyes it actually reveals much more to Your words and messages. Jesus I want to hear from You and be with You so badly. Can we meet? I really really want to... does that also mean that I need to? I guess not always eh? Where could we meet? Why not in our city? Really? I would love to!!! I have been anxious about getting back there! As we walk down the street I already know what we are going to see... neat... it's a new shop. We walk side by side, my hand in Yours and I can hardly contain myself (what a kid I am) I jump in front of You and reach up to hug You tightly. "Thank You" I whisper into Your ear... then I cannot contain the laughter that bubbles up inside!!! Where is it? Is it by the music shop that spills into the street? I think it is. We come up to the shop and I look inside knowing that it is a place that delights the deepest part of our knowing... it's a place of revelation. Oh this is just too amazing. There is no door... the shop front opens up like the music store but it very much seems to have boundaries. You know when you are in but to come in and out doesn't feel like a barrier ... it's very welcoming in this way... kind of like embracing you when you are in but releasing you too with a type of blessing when you leave. Hmmmm. The place keeps shifting so it is very hard to describe ...it's more of a soul knowing place... not a eye and mind comprehending place. For instance.. for a moment it is dark and solemn but then the art work on the walls are the kinds of pictures that you fall into because you experience what is being depicted ... then there are words everywhere. Beautiful, beautiful words... soft, bold, overlapping, light gray to black... it feels good to be here and there aren't any requirements to being here either...because You delight in people coming here. You are everywhere aren't You. I think You are at the back of the store and there is a small pot light shining down on You. You are in a comfortable discussing chair and there is another one, empty, beside You. I cannnot smile any bigger as I know I get to sit there. We scoot the chairs as close as we can cause You know I want to touch while we talk. Knees to knees we sit, just looking at one another. I reach up and touch Your face and You smile then reach out with both of Yours and hold my face in Your hands. There is nothing saying it's time to stop there is no barrier that disallows anything cause You are... You are everything... desire, thought, love, wisdom, softness, Majesty, passion; You are the completeness of all of me and my world. Just being here is telling my soul soft songs of who I am and who You are. I am soaking it all up. We hold each other's hands and just laugh ... oh... this is the laughter that you can't get enough of. It's the kind of laughter that You can't get out enough of it either! It is contagious and pure. I can't stay in my chair anymore. I sit with You... curling comfortably up in Your lap. And we just sit and watch the room as it shifts; light and color play and it highlights something different each time. There are some things, Tam, that you just need to watch and note. There are some things that for a season don't need to be asked about cause it's okay just to witness and soak it up till the new season requires the download and understanding and revelation of what you have seen. Of what, strangely, I have already whispered to you and you didn't realize. Right I'm okay with that. I really am okay with whatever You require (that my mind can comprehend) and this time says that to me. Wow do I love You Jesus. I know.. I love you Tam.

Hello dear Reader... it has been so long since I have shared but there has been so much that has been going on within (thanks, Jesus... for never leaving me) So I am going to post something from a while ago in my journals... eventually more will come out I'm sure and add depth to this but for now here goes...

Jesus here I am. :) I absolutely know I need sleep and should already be in bed but I just had to come to You. Oh my Jesus I love You so deeply , so much , so with all that I am that I just had to write to You and tell You. You make my heart so full and aching for You. I NEED YOU. After watching the movie tonight I feel like it would be so delightful to write a story. I feel that if I did You would make it meaningful... in a deep way. In a way I never would be able to, of course. You excite me Jesus , You excite me.

Oh my Holy God, I must run with You even for this moment before I lay down. I close my eyes and what do I see? I see a field that is not tame. I see edges of forests and roads that are closer to paths... I see that it is already a dim evening light... that will soon make things tricky to see clearly. I think we are actually on the west side of the city. As I gaze out however, my feet are still on the street. I can't turn around at all... nor do I want to, cause it is about You and me going forward... I only see myself but I feel and know You are with me. I take off hard and fast as I can running into the grass and into the wind that has just picked up. With fierce determination I work and run and keep on. It is raining and I care not... I keep going. I go into the trees and running becomes alot easier as I am on the dirt path that is leading into the darker woods. The trees are getting larger and closer together as I go... yet strangely there is a light and I know it is You. But I can't figure it out cause it is going ahead of me... while I still feel You behind me. Hmmm. I again have no desire to look really from side to side but keep on pushing forward... running faster and easier, even though my breathing is harder. My throat is starting to burn a bit but I don't care.
I come to a place that is calm and warm and while it seems dusky in light , it is a warm light. I slow to a walk and wonder what this is. There is water... a pool of it just off to the right and there is a fire flickering and snapping fairly close to the water's edge... I draw close to the fire and pool running my fingers along the trunk of a downed tree... the bark is damp and rough. I come close enough to the fire to feel it's heat and am suddenly flooded with the knowledge that You have put it here just because You love me and You are saying that with it. LOL. You are so loving and unfathomably generous.. You know I used to always ask for protection , comfort and.... warmth when me met... hmmm. My eyes however, cannot be drawn away from the water or what's beyond it. I look intently and I see ... it is You across the pool.. it's really YOU! Why is the water between us Jesus? Right away I am filled with that awe that renders me in a state of worship and love and overwhelmedness at being in Your presence but right behind it is a panic that there is this pool between us... it scares me. Jesus do I need to be afraid? Think through it... ok I CAN SEE You. You have placed a fire beside me that I know is You loving me. I was running to You alone... due You alone... You were my sole desire and I didn't look away. I felt You while I ran and although I can see You now, the stronger thing is feeling You... literally with the heat of the flames. Is it less than My arms you are used to? In a way no. Cause as soon as I felt the heat I was very touched within my soul and filled to overflowing with Your presence and awe of You. Is this a message about the future? Or is it for now? Both. You have learned a deeper lesson from the horses than You realized. You asked Me just to be Me when we went riding, just You and I.... not letting your fears put Me in any box that You did so unconsciously that you didn't see it at first. But not only that you asked Me to be bigger than you could understand and you just trusted that. This is like a furthering of that... you are accustom to how we have been meeting and yet you hang onto a desire for more. Not to be limited by writing... to find Me in a fuller, freer way that isn't limited by what you know and have experienced. I am saying that this is exciting but for you... you will feel fear when you don't 'see' Me like you are used to but like the fire is saying I am still touching you! And I will let you 'see' Me when it is needed but run after more! Pursue it! Pursue and hunger with all you are... it is My Spirit bringing that up within you. I love you Tam... I want you too! Run to Me! Run into the unknown of Me! This is a delight to Me... this is love.

I just really want to be with You. Could we meet? Where would we meet Jesus? Actually I would love to ask You about the man. A friend had some wonderings about this man. You and I have talked over it a bit now and although I still remain not knowing who this is I am okay with that.
Nevertheless I am so glad it was brought up for this is one of those things that I haven't learned yet... how to followup on moments You give me. This also brought to my mind the first time that You asked me to pray for someone... that I had no clue who he was... and although when I realized that; it totally freaked me out, at the end of it I was so very honored. I couldn't explain the depth I felt, of how significant it was cause I knew I didn't understand it fully... but I did share it with a few and I was so full of thankfulness that I 'just obeyed' and followed Your leading, and was allowed this opportunity... and it was such as honor as I said before.
So I want to ask again... how is he?
Sitting on the rock outside the village, I see the man and he isn't inside all alone and hidden... he is working outside his hut. He is very involved and doesn't see us, he is working around the beauty that he sees in Your creation... the small plants and flowers taking care to use what he sees to show off what You quietly put there to bless the one that takes the time to see it. He has even fashioned a walk up to his front door. It is becoming a most inviting place... even now while he works industriously but in such peace his door sits slightly ajar. He is awaiting You isn't he? I look at You and as You smile down into my eyes I see such a look of delight and anticipation of each moment You get to spend with him. Oh the joy bubbling out of Your heart for him! That he not only is getting You and wanting to meet with You but that he is working out of the overflow of what You are growing in him... he is living in anticipation and desire of these times with You that he cannot help but show it through what he does both to ready for the next time and in processing what You leave with him each meeting ... the time when change is turning and rolling and becoming within. That open door is more significant than I first realized isn't it? He wants You more than the regular visits... he wants to be surprised by You and how better to receive this blessing than to leave the door open ... awaiting and ready. A thought just came to me... that this isn't me I thought... does he have sandals on? And that took me back to the river. The time when I wasn't hearing what You were speaking and putting within him. A change happened to him in these moments and I think that noticing that his feet were now in sandals signalled that to me ... it was such a blaring and clear but seemingly random thing to notice but now I think it was telling me that something had taken place. A significant life changing thing. Hmmmm. But he isn't wearing them right now... he is barefoot. He loves to feel the rich forest earth beneath his feet as he works and digs it up and clears away. It is cool and the scent of the earth , so full of life and as a source for growth , never seems to slip by him unnoticed. It, at times, wafts up almost intoxicating. Bringing to his mind You... and time with You. It isn't hard and packed but is almost soft and spongy beneath his steps. Where are his sandals Jesus? They are inside hanging on a hook by the door. (laugh) I bet you wonder where his goes. LOL yes! Now that You mention it... wow.. as soon as You said it I saw him on rock and up very high... a journey not taken with ease. It is a long and hot and dry journey with little to ease it but it affords such beauty in the surroundings, in the view. Wow this is the man who sat all alone in his hut... hiding and dying in his wounds of brokenness and pain. Sitting in the dark. Who was he going to see on this journey? Was it someone? I didn't tell him when I sent him out... I am teaching him to see.... Me. Hmmmmm. Will I get the honor of praying for him again... I wonder? I wonder now also about the rest of the village. Who else is out there? But this time is done for now isn't it? I feel that and I guess I want to end this with asking for myself that You would help me process this myself and learn and see and hear. Prepare my heart Jesus for what is next. I love You Jesus. I look up into Your eyes again and can't wait to return. LOL.

Morning Jesus, Yesterday was a really wild day for sure. Going to places that I didn't know why except that I felt You were asking me to.... even having them closed. Feeling that strong call to pray for the body of Christ... just a real good day for sure. Even though I went from shopping to getting home to working to soccer to journalling to bed there was a sense yesterday of purpose and rest... I felt like I spent the day listening and that felt really really good. Hmmmm.

A mighty windstorm hit the mountain but the LORD was not in the wind after the wind there was a earthquake but the LORD was not in the earthquake... after the earthquake there was a fire but the LORD was not in the fire and after the fire there was a a sound of a gentle whisper ... the LORD was in a whisper... I really think that after a day like yesterday this is delightfully true. Yes I can see how people get enamoured with the idea that You need to present big and dramatic and powerfully... but in the gentle whisper we fall broken. Never to rise the same again. You gently call us to come, to turn, to open up that door... Why must we be like Naaman whose pride was insulted that he was not met and asked to do some great thing to gain healing... and he actually turned away refusing to be healed. It wasn't what he expected or thought was on his level of importance... was it snatched away from him? Because he turned his back, did he nullify the offer? No, God continued to speak to him... through the gentle urgings of his servants that saw the truth of the situation and oh so gently challenged him... he turned.

This day will we spurn the voice of God not believing that He speaks to us all the time? ... often in an unglamorous way... in a gentle whisper. Quit looking around at others, quit comparing yourself to others and what they will think and see and speak of ... look to Jesus and let Him be Your all... let Him reveal Himself to You as He so desperately desires... and it may be in the quietest, smallest way but when we heed, we connect and we are humbled and on the knees of our soul... we cry out "Ahhhhh... Lord God... You are real! You are so wildly loving ... You are my God." You reveal truth, convict, breakdown, transform, renew, You challenge our lives, our faith, our way of thinking, our heart's perspective and desires... You... with a whisper... You... and it isn't a one time deal. You continually call our names, You continually speak and reach out... don't leave an experience of connecting with Jesus as a once in a lifetime deal... no build your life upon learning to connect with Him all the time... no matter where, no matter when... He's there, He's faithful... He's real.

I love You Jesus so so deeply please keep me in Your arms. Please help my ears to hear. Please don't let me wander away. I love You. I want You , I need You alone.

P.S. I went back and read what I posted before and I was faced with ... obvious flaws in how I looked at Sunday. It wasn't about me speaking well... it was about me needing to be closer to You so that You could speak through me. I see over and over how much I need You. I don't think I ever want to leave that state though... I will never 'arrive'... I will continue to be humbled over and over at how much more I need You than I realized the moment before... I am giving You myself ever flawed but claimed as Yours... I surrender my life my all... I can not do with myself the absolutely delightful things You can in just being willing to love me and spend Your time with me. You so humble and send me into such awe at Your willingness to love me.

So dear Reader... after that last post it lead me to remember a couple of times that Jesus asked me to LOOK AT HIM. One of the most significant times was in September 08... this is how it went.

Dear Jesus I have been through so much emotion in the last couple of days. I feel at this moment...good.. not completely settled because not all is dealt with but I feel strong in You. I know that it is only You that can make me feel this way, You alone. I have seen in me how I react, that this is beyond me. There is something about taking a life look at things. The movie today helped me do that. Hmmm. That was an act of You too wasn't it... I wasn't going to go to that movie was I. It is the hard look at good and bad that gives me pause that I so appreciate and that being good and standing for what is good is really really hard. That it hurts and is in dark times for seasons but it tests what is... what it is that you are about... what you believe in, and just how much you are willing to fight for it. And in the case of living and loving You... it is about how surrendered we can actually be to You. I am reminded of a song by Sara Groves, I think, that is singing about if You want me to walk that road of pain, of lonliness , of whatever dark think I will walk it for You... I want to be that person. Jesus I have messed up in life granted but You redeemed my life and created a new person in me. Yes, I will continue to deal with fall out and consequences of continued failure but I am Yours. I am forgiven. I am not enslaved to anyone but You. I am Yours. I am Yours. I am free. I am free. I will continue to seek You, I pray that Your Spirit will rest on me and my life more and more that I will be able, or better put, enabled to seek You more , hunger for You more... hear and see You more. I want to leave myself so far behind that I don't need to remember all the unnecessary stuff anymore because it just distracts from all the increaible things You are desiring to do on this earth before You come to claim it back. Even though the story in that movie was just that, I see parallels that encourage me and I want to thank You for speaking to me through a movie again. I so enjoy that. It seems to me a beautiful thing that You will work through this world to get Your messages across to Your people over and over again. How come You don't get tired of calling to us?
You know how you have those moments where you get it? You connect with Me and there is such a bliss, an indescribable joyous peace yet overflowing delight that you can feel physically? That is why I continue to call. You get such a little taste of what it means to be in Me... but when I experience with you those times when you get that taste and revelation and fall deeply in love with Me... that is why I call. When I get to hold you in your pain and lonliness and you see Me. That is why I call. When in the midst of turmoil and confusion you have a time of absolute worhsip of Me and you sing those words with all that you are to Me... that is why I call. When you hear me and understand my revelation... when you see and meet Me... when you cry out desparately for change and forgiveness and the ability to be abandoned to Me... when you catch that glimpse of the depth of my love for you and you are reduced to tears of awe and love and soul sorrow for anthing between us... that is why I call.
If we met right now where would we be? We would be where there is mostly darkness and we would be facing east looking at a light that was so warm and filled with soul stirring hope.
I am beside you Tam. I am holding you and there is no condemnation. There is beauty and love, I look down into Your eyes and hold Your face and I tell You... You are mine and I love you. That's all I want Jesus, to be Yours forever. To be loved by You, to love You. Why are we in the darkness? Beause you need to look at Me ... at Me alone. Am I going to need that alot in the near future? Yes. Am I able? Only in Me. Will I do it? Only in Me and My grace... throw yourself into my Word... hear it, really hear it. Discuss it with others passionately, own it , share it, live it, challenge it, in living it test it, I dare you too! You are my child. Do I only want you to have bits and pieces inbetween pain and suffering and faltering steps? No! Hear ME NOW! I AM! I AM and you are MINE! Hear Me! Know Me! Step out girl... what do you have to lose? What comfort does this world afford you? To keep in the safety of those that know you... all you'll gain is a few good feelings and memories between the torture of worrying what they think and what they are saying ... you will feel betrayal and confusion , you will be consumed more and more with doing what makes them happy and guess what? They don't know what that is. Strange eh? They first are attracted to be with you because of Me. But when you lose that hold and focus on Me what are they left with? Not with what they want. Or what first drew them in. Be strong in Me, be strong in Me ... LET ME BE STRONG IN YOU! Hold onto Me with all that you are and spend every day listening and responding to ME... and let Me take you where I want to. Life can be so much more! I am so beyond what you can know now. Take everyone around you with you! I know you like to share with the safe ones that will take time to hear and have responded positively and with understanding... but why not do more? Why do you think you have years of you writing to me? I am stronger in you than you realize tonight and right now in your life. It's time to be brave and to step back further and further as I fill you with ME. Tam you are hearing me right now and you are responding to Me.. remember this and remember to keep on... you hunger for change and growth and depth I am willing to give it ... you feel it in your chest don't you? You feel it in Your heart... I am real remember that. I can do ANYTHING! Remember that.
We are facing the light again but it is changing colors. As we watch I see a depth in the blues and whites as stark and beautiful as anything I could ever imagine. I love contrast because You are so much more than all we try to grasp of who You are and in all that ... You stand out beautiful and awesome. There is now deep but brilliant reds bursting on and into the deep midnight blues with edges of white rolling waves of sky and cloud. And now a blinding yellow white comes up and You artfully play the edges of blue with gold... You are standing behind me and holding me and I will never feel safer than this... besides being in Your actual arms that hopefully I will never ever have to leave. Jesus when I finally meet You could You hold me for eternity? Selfish huh? No. That's not selfish I've waited for years and years and beyond time to do just that... soon... don't worry... soon. Whew.

As I looked back at my month of journaling I wondered what Jesus would want me to share... so the next few posts will be sections pulled out of my letters to Jesus.
Jesus... I am in quite a state really... bouncing between the calm and surrendered to wanting feedback and affirmation but really it is Your affirmation that I need. Alot of things happened this last week. One very significant thing is the time spent talking with my sister. It gave perspectives and directions of thought that I needed and enjoyed. There is so much in life that doesn't need to hold the weight it does, especially fear. I am called to live in fear of You and living in the light of You everything else gains proper perspective and then I can enjoy moments and situations instead of being ruled by them. So because I am finding myself wanting affirmation today ... could You give that to me? .......
I need You first. I need and want You above all else. You are my God. You are God. You are Holy. I also just want to tell You Jesus how much I love this seeing and meeting with You and others. Thank You for this honor. Thank You for allowing me to join You in it.
How are You doing Jesus? Is Your heart tired today? In a way are Sundays rough on You? With all of us who miss the mark or follow blindly in ways that unknowingly are leading us away from where You want us? ....
Maybe we could lie down and just be together. Lying on our stomachs we are watching that slow trickle of water as it runs down through sand and silt and rocks and pebbles. I reach over and grab Your hand and pull it over to me. I hold it tight in my hands under my pillow and beneath my head. You lay down Your head upon the pillow ... Your face towards me. You smile then close Your eyes and I do the same. The sounds of the babbling water and flitting insects are accentuated in the heat of the sun and the otherwise quiet of the moment. I AM real. I know You are... I KNOW You are. Are you scared? No. I know what question You are about to ask... it's about the dark looming clouds You showed me a while ago and You asked if I would remember not to be afraid while I was in it. There was beauty in it... a deep beauty one can see from a distance either before or after... hmmmm. My chest gets a little tight as I wonder what is coming. Or is that just You? Open your eyes and look at Me. Look at Me always... look at Me always. Okay I will try and I must ask You and Your Spirit to help me completely in that... for even when all is calm I tend to drift and get sucked into myself and the fear of this world. Please let those times be shortened to all but a moment as I feel You lift my chin and beckon me to look into Your eyes. Jesus... I think all this unknown stuff is exciting.. I feel at times I wish I knew more but perhaps Your power is much more free in my surrender amidst the unknown. I am so at Your mercy and guidance. Boy do I love You. Please, just continue to increase my hearing. I want to do all You ask. Help me be surrendered to it all , no matter what size or shape. LOL. You are so cool.