April 11/11
Day 34 of lent

   Morning Jesus... I am a little tentative this morning, wondering how I would feel (a bit afraid of not feeling) but I think in my anxiousness to talk with You I have no founding reasons for fear. Interestingly I had no draw to make a hot drink either. But my drive to get some chores crammed in before taking time to sit down remains. So I had another interesting moment last night where I would feel jealousy I didn't really feel it inside but my actions looked like I did. Not sure what that was about except that when faced with my craver (self) wanting to be special and recognized and knowing when those situations are happening You have a greater power. I felt it but didn't completely give myself over to You. I want to do that now that I've put this down in coherent thought. I really have no need for striving and jealousy, my desire to exist in Your freedom excludes that. Do I really want to be like another? Do I really need someones approval? Do I require something to give myself away? A resounding no... all those are dark places and if I choose to live in Your light so many things don't matter nor require a response or action. My life would (as close as I can wrap my mind around it) become wildly focused while at the same time free from the need for me to control by schedule, self abasement, planning what I think is best or manipulation. I would in essence become like the description of the Holy Spirit as the wind moving first here then there all the while with strong purpose and focus.

   To become like You is so much more appealing than the illusionary and exhausting roads of control and security (our aggression and defensiveness).

   All of a sudden I am physically weary. No kidding. I sit and type with my eyes closed thinking some warm blankets would be so delightful right now.

 ...(2 hours later) I am still tired but I will act out what I felt I should do in my non-feeling state. Also a line from Jason Upton rings in my head (perhaps from the Message)... God calls us to ... a long obedience in the same direction. He (God) doesn't want us to burn bright but burn out... He wants us for the long haul, for our lifetime. And this includes existing and still striving for Holiness in those dark and low times, essentially pressing through it (and for myself continually asking for perspective from You in it ) despite my disorientating feeling amid this time without all I am used to aka... feeling. It is not unlike my experience of learning how to run uphill. But learning this kind of discipline is not just for the low times or unfamiliar times... it also needs to be applied to the times we recognize and quite frankly desire because of it's familiarity. For when I am comfortable (what I would say now as living in an abundance of Your obvious and merciful grace) I can make just as many wrong decisions moment to moment but don't 'see' them as clearly because I am still experiencing You in many ways. Therefore I see now that this discipline this long obedience in the same direction is as crucial now as then. For this reason I am leaving my computer and carrying on despite my weariness as a representation of what I want to learn to do spiritually.

   You make me smile Jesus.