Hey Jesus ... it has been a couple of days. My heart has been calling to You a lot lately often in a confused and lost way. Lost because I feel like I don't recognize where I am. The only thing that is familiar is the ache for You... that takes over inside and washes over me with an intensity that sometimes leaves me breathless. You know, there are sometimes Jesus that I am more afraid of myself than anything else. What really is scarier or more threatening than what we are capable of inside our own hearts and souls? What can pull us away from You easier than our own demons our own vices ... the pride that has so many faces to hide it's ugliness. What of our desire for control? Our desire for our own happiness and comfort? The sheer ignorance of our indecent and indignant demand for what we deserve... what we are entitled to? In the clarity of this moment I see just how sacrificial You are by stepping into our lives and asking us to surrender. The biggest sacrifice is not what we are giving up. It is what You do... what You are willing to do... what You have already done so You would be always right there ready to step in, to pour out, to hold us before the word has even left our lips. We are so sadly deluded into thinking that You are asking so much of us. It all leaves me a little sick inside, at the extent of the facade we hold onto with a grip that leaves gouges, threatening wounds that will fester and bleed.

    I sit here a little stunned and what I think is this. There is something I want to ask for Jesus... first is Jesus, Father and sweet sweet Holy Spirit... I want a relationship with You more than anything (yet I know I fail miserably at this over and again). Next is I know my battle with the carefully erected facade will not leave without constant and vigilant battle so I want to ask You Jesus for a weapon. I want to ask that You would place in the deepest part of my heart a picture or word or ??? of the truth. The truth of living in You... and what that really required and requires of You... yes You not me. We've masterfully twisted it and I don't want to anymore. I want to fight against that part of me. I don't know where this will take me but Jesus knowing that I will need You for all of it sits right with me.
journal entry... Feb 6/11