April 12/11
Day 35 of lent

   Hey Jesus I didn't have time to write this morning but now I cannot do anything else but write. Had a great day really but had some stuff to chew on from the chapter in proverbs and ecclesiastics and then the show tonight capped off the huh kind of mood that always leaves me needing You. You know, I don't think I am scared of looking at my own loneliness or emptiness for I know that without You and a complete need of You, that it is all there really is, despite efforts to cover that up. And all sorts of garbage starts showing up out of that kind of existence.

But right now I also know that my mind is having a hard time putting thoughts together in the reality of the existence of a loss so deep it shatters one's world. And that always becomes me needing to spend time with You.

If we were to meet... where would we be?

I don't see anything Jesus. It strikes me that the safest place to be would be sinking down and down into the depths of an endless ocean. My hearing would immediately be affected. I would hear my own heart beat with a surreal volume only comparable to the sound of water rushing and bubbling around me as I sank. I think, at first, I would look around but as the light started to fade with the surface I would close my eyes with a finality.
   I suppose you might want to know what kind of finality, Reader, not one of lost hope or purpose. Not of a loss of desire for life but perhaps a death to life lived my way . I believe I need to really be completely Jesus'. I think in the face of really losing all that meant something to me in this world I would be left with deepest truth... life isn't about me it's about You Father, it's about You Jesus and Your sweet Holy Spirit.
   Therefore to die to everything but You makes sense, everything is so temporary and is meant to be. Jesus You were here what 33 years? I've already passed that mark and see that I've had so much time to try to grasp and learn how to really live and in most ways I am just starting to see much less applying it, living it. You spent those 33 years with such purpose because of how You lived.  What You accomplished in 3 years of ministry leaves me wordless and yet You call us to live like You did. Jesus, I cannot even comprehend that this is possible but I want to. I want to live exactly like You did. What about the death at the end? You know, if called to it, it would be done.  But I think one of the biggest struggles right now, is dying now... to self.  Do You mean for us to actually get that here though? Or is the struggle to be Holy, to be like You the goal and what sheds light on everyone around us? Is it our lives lived broken and alive only in Your power and grace that truly glorifies You? Our very lives a witness and testimony, a light pointing to You alone. And here is again where this curious balance exists... this life is so not about us and yet each of us is so passionately loved and held by You. A phrase You spoke to me a while ago just popped into my mind... so stop being about myself and let You be about me. This way Your purpose and intent is accomplished while we are completely filled by Your love and presence.

As I sink lower and lower I can tell even behind my closed eyelids that it grows ever darker. I am not panicked but I wonder at myself. I am too far down to even think of struggling for what lies above. And my heart and soul answer with confirmation by sitting at peace, patiently waiting.