thanks for reading

Dearest Readers, 

    Normally I am always playing catch up with my journal entries. Today however I want to pause to say thanks.  There is one very cool anonymous Reader out there who is in the Unites States and somehow seems to very often read my posts when they are hot off the press.  I just want to let you know that I pray for you.  Thanks for reading. 
    I would love to know more of you feel free to send an email or leave a comment... I appreciate you all!

Tamera. 

the white room

Sept 13/12  Journal entry.

   Hello my dearest Jesus, this has been an amazing day. Once again I relish in the quiet of the house and getting so many things accomplished but it seems that even in this you bless me for I also have had time to sit and enjoy reading or the like. Thank You for this blessing of much peace and delight.

   Jesus what can I do for You today? What can I do to bring a smile upon Your face and contentedness to Your heart?

   I would love to be in a white room with You. Every object white with a seemingly unending supply of paint, of color rich in emotion and storytelling.  However, this time with You would be unlike any other time... for where I normally hesitate and plan and doubt my starting point I would, in contrast, be free and alive with purpose!  Some paint would be splashed upon the walls while other colors put on with the precision of a brush loaded with paint and eager to make a mark.
   I would laugh out loud at times in the rapture of the moment and be silent and thoughtful in others. I would look to You often to share this time together. I would see and feel You in the work. Where colors are running down and mixing with others in swirls and lines. I see You giving depth where I could not, nor could I imagine it... in shades and tints. We both work industriously together, side by side and with such intent that we use our hands as our instruments. Little regard is given to the back splash of paint and of cleaning our hands in between colors... we too have become apart of this creation!

  As with other experiences, this is one I cannot explain adequately what I feel nor do I have a clear definition of what I see... this really is a time of sharing our souls with one another. We now sit in the middle of the room back to back knees up taking it all in. Seeing what Sarayu has added and the messages and love it speaks. We quietly hold hands. And it is good. :)

all that matters

Aug 21/12  a wee journal excerpt...

   Jesus, I grab Your hand and we walk.

   It doesn't matter where we are. It doesn't matter what is happening around us. Being with You is all that matters. Glances at each other that catch one another's love, laughter and vulnerability. There is just such a lack of pretenses with You. In this freedom everything seems just so much more. Big, alive, real. I cannot help but laugh in it's sheer delight.

You are for me

Aug 19/12  Journal entry.

   You know what Jesus... You were my friend today. (That may sound so odd and if I step back from it it also sounds manipulative but that is not my intent.)

   During the worship set, before I spoke, You met me and my desperate want and need for You... You told me that You were what You have been teaching me. There. And real. That You are for me. And because of what You have helped me receive and gradually apply, I was actually at that point... that point where I believe this, I can exist there right now. In the place where I am so confident that You are for me that it doesn't matter what the outcome is... it may look as if it was a failure or it may look like it was received but that is not my concern. I get to love You by following through on what You asked me to do (which I must add was a heart cry of mine those months ago when I lamented over not 'doing' anything with what You were revealing to me ... the fear that I was failing You or that You may quit giving stuff to me because I was such a bad manager).

   I really can and will be okay with whatever is in store because I know in obeying You I will, at the end of this, be right beside You. And that is enough for me. I love You Jesus so much.

   Abba Father thank You for protecting me, shielding me not only from outside attack but from myself today. Sarayu thank You for being my voice today ... I don't believe I have ever shared in a small circle or large that smoothly before. It was You who relayed the message into my heart in the first place thank You for the honor of sharing it further.... You are sweet.

 

Jesus starts a conversation

Aug 15/12 Journal.

   Well how about we talk together now?
   Yes please!  Jesus, your soft laughter sets me at ease and in anticipation... kinda like now we are getting some where ;)
   What do you think I want my Beloved to hear?
   That surrender isn't optional.
   Nice.
   And that dependence is sweet.... more full of life than we can now grasp.
   My whole ministry had a base of surrender and dependence and I made no secret of it. I said it straight out, it was in my actions, it was in my passion. Why is it not optional? Let me ask you this... what comes out of it? Relationship. And not a single moment kind of thing... an ongoing, up and down, weathering changing growing union.

   Abba, you took me on a ride of a lesson in this last month in which I learned that there are ways and levels I had not even gleaned that I could step into You with. Surrender often brings to mind sins or habits that distract, perhaps attitudes that continually cause regret... what if surrender also includes things that just are like daily habits or chores, or our selves... our physical needs like food and shelter.  What about our emotional and spiritual things? Our sense of worth and value, ways we manage things to keep an equilibrium both inside and out?

   So I want to use You and Your actions to show Your surrender to Abba.
   Okay why?
   Because surrender is not an option.
   Right.
   Nor is dependence.
   Umhmm, again why?
   Because relationship is what has always been desired... I hear that message throughout the whole bible! " I will be Your God and You will be my people...  I will remove your heart of stone and put in a heart of flesh... my Beloved... Return to Me and I will return to you... offer yourselves as a living sacrifice.... and this is eternal life that you would know (Me)".

   I look across the table at You and I wonder at what stirs within. I see and feel stuff in the story of the lives around me and it makes life become more tangible, with brighter color and the deepest of black contouring the edges of all the in between. I feel the desire to live bigger than myself and although I have no idea what that means or looks like it still is a reoccurring feeling that is very, very real for me. I think the closest I can come to it in words is that I desire to be more like You Sarayu... free in You. Yes that is it. The closer I get to that the more my life will spill over with color. You put Your hand down on the center of the table and slowly drag it back... what happens makes me smile and laugh so loud inside... there on the table is a smeared trail of many many colors. Hahahaha... I reach out and put my hand where Yours has been imitating You, smearing color towards me. You join in my delight and we hold onto each other paint smeared hand. Possible. Hmmm.

 

fasting lessons

Aug 12/12  Journal entry.

   Morning Jesus, I want to offer all of me again this morning asking for Your help to be present and for Your help to prepare me and Your hearers. Jesus I couldn't slow my brain down last night and it was crazy late before I slept but I feel very good this morning and I want to thank You so much for that circle time last night ... the connecting with You. If You have a word this morning You want me to share please let my ears be attentive and my will ready.

   Note to self on fasting lessons...

• giving up independence and learning that "God will take care of me" has sunk in to a level I have never before experienced. 
• Be aware of rash and error of thought processes that steal from God and the power of His Spirit. He can sustain me learning the layer lesson. 
• Which applies further, not letting usual responses (of even hunger) have mastery over me. There is no reason for it or excuse if God is taking care of me physically then He also can take care of me in attitudes and words therefore the power of that attitude was stolen and conquered. 
• Huh... just thinking about it right now some of my surliness from being late to a meal I contributed to low blood sugar levels was perhaps also my own emotional response to being uncomfortable because I wasn't able to control or meet that need when I wanted to... wow. So if in giving my independence to God and not taking that meeting of the need on myself I could also give Him my sour attitude at my physical discomfort, He will sustain me.  He will sustain me. 

When You speak

Aug 3/12  Journal excerpts...

   Morning Jesus, for the first time I am actually awake and up before Bailey and I just have to say how cool it is when You speak through devotions and Scripture to affirm an experience. The devotion was on seeking Your face instead of Your hands, which has also been in my journals in the last couple of days.  Thank You for that hug right off the bat! 

 ... I love You, I need You.

   There is something about this ridge line isn't there... like a purpose in the image.
   Hahaha usually is.
   Oh I loved Your words to Daniel when he was by the river Kebar... first and foremost about him being loved ... and heard... and yet he had to wait for a response, for a reason he would never have been able to conceptualize. You and Michael were fighting a battle... that intrigues and fascinates me for so many reasons. That You were battling for an extended period of time... that the battle sounded, well, like a battle... why didn't You just speak it and it was done? Oh that makes me go back to another thought ... ourselves and prayer and the time you told your disciples that 'this kind of spirit only comes out by prayer and fasting' what kind of battle is going on there and interestingly we are called to fast! Sarayu help me out here... I am losing my thoughts too fast... this discipline isn't taken out of the equation after the infilling of Your Spirit.

 

falling off my horse

Aug 2/12  Journal entry.

   Okay Jesus, that was quite an amazing ride!! It was such an affirmation that You were there with us and answering our often rout sounding prayer against injury for both our horses and ourselves... to come off my horse, Coke, saddle and all and be absolutely no worse for the wear lol... You were there. Bailey was leading today enjoying our sweet spots along our route that allows for a full out run, then before normal she slowed down, which my horse responded to all in the same moment of my falling off his back into the best ditch possible (realization showed that the cinch had come undone earlier on the gravel road!) After the initial shock of landing on my back I looked up from the ground and saw my horse just standing there probably wondering what I was doing down there and why did I unsaddle him already?  

   Anyways I am glad to be Yours and as I turn and face You, I reach up and hold Your face...
   ...this is me again staying close... hahaha. 
With a quick kiss to my forehead You sweep me up in Your arms and swing me in a circle.
   Love You Little One. 
   I know.  I say with that decided and deep satisfaction and peace inside my very soul. My stomach is rumbling today what is with that lol! One week left of our fast to learn dependence upon You. It has been such an amazing time. Thank You.

on a ridge line (day 13 of fast)

   Aug 1/12  Journal entry. 

   Morning Jesus. A little overwhelmed this morning but I want You more. I want to state my dependence upon You and ask for You to organize this day with so much great potential. Jesus thank You for holding my hand and letting me stay with You.

   I am here and I grin with deepest delight.
   Hahaha... indeed you are.
   We are sitting on the ridge line of a house roof, towards the sunrise. Oooo I felt that distinct sense of fall just now but it isn't fall yet... perhaps it is instead what fall has always meant to me... the delight and beauty of change. I am up for that :) You smile down at me and put Your arm around my shoulder. 
   Right... stay close.

I see how experience makes me passionate.

   Wow I just spent some time with You in Your Word preparing for sharing in church and that was amazing! It was so cool how You knit together thoughts, experiences and conversations of others, where they are at and learning right now... truly an honor Jesus.  Sarayu thank You for blowing through my room today. 
   I look up and into Your eyes... thank You.

upping the ante and reflections with Jesus (day 12 of fast)

July 31/12  Journal.

   So my Jesus I am most convinced today of Your further carrying me in my stepping out in fasting. It is crazy true. I have no need to fear, You take care of me even when it makes no sense in my logical mind /human reasoning. How else do I explain the sense of no worry or fretting in my abstinence and even when it is meal time there is no ferocious hunger.  It made me wonder tonight if I couldn't up the ante even more. Running now is just me experiencing You taking care of me physically. And I love it. I love being with You in it. And this does touch things everywhere in my thoughts... I have yet to experience it but I anticipate it with delight.

   So what's up with You... tell me all and anything You wish! We sit in our Adirondack chairs but I lean towards You awaiting what You have to say. You laugh out loud and shake Your head with pleasure.  You are one of a kind. I feel my face light up at Your words. I love You. Leaning back You comfortably put Your hand out towards me which I gratefully place mine into. There are so many kinds of adventures and roads but they all serve to build this... You squeeze my hand. Things are accomplished but not without this as it's base and reason. You look intently into my eyes, I want you to stay close. I nod. Your eyes crinkle as You smile and You then lean Your head back on the chair closing Your eyes but not letting go of my hand. 
You may want me to but I need to.
Hmmm. Go ahead and ask... it's not like I can't hear You. You chuckle ever so quietly. 
Well I was just thinking about how do I maintain this closeness when I am not fasting but I think You are answering me in my head as I am asking...lol...
Is it fasting that makes us close? 
No. It is what is learned during this time.
Fasting isn't magic or the how to, it is only used as a vehicle... or as a door to open up more. In itself it is nothing.
But it can change my life can't it? 
Well yes in the way that it can shift your paradigms and raise up new habits or decisions that mold your days instead of continuing in your previous ways. 
This may sound weird but what if I want to fast as a way of life?
Well this can happen in the sense that You start to live more and more surrendered to Me. Giving up things for me becomes the default instead of the concentrated occasional effort. Letting yourself be changed by KNOWING Me and always seeking that... and your life becomes one of worship to Me.. to Me alone. Sound familiar?
Yes. 
Surrender holds hands with Dependence. I put my head down and lay my cheek against Your hand, You are all I want Jesus... I feel You put Your other hand on the top of my head so gently.
Little One you are mine. 
We stay here all night, I fall asleep with my head on Your lap.

All I want (day 11 of fast)

July 30/12  Journal.

   Jesus, I realize the minutes and hours of today are already slipping away but after my breakfast all I really wanted was to come and be with You. To meet You and hear You talk to me. I yearn to know Your love.
   That is easy... does this view give you even an impression of the vastness of what I feel for you? 
   As my eyes take in the enormous panorama around us I am without words... we are sitting atop a very high place in fact I see no other place higher at the moment. The expanse expressed by the sloping valleys covered in low grasses of many colors. Rock and half buried rock seem to climb right out of the ground with fingers of sometimes great proportion or barely a gleaning of them... The sky adds only drama to this scene... the scattered clouds and wind that keeps them moving, transforming, seem to bring to life, with light, the ground ... the dramatic lights and darks travel across the plains and even if it only rests but a moment in one place in that one moment it is just so alive. A showcase of beauty ... the beauty of vastness... oh! there are no trees here. 
   We too are touched with the wind and my hair flies about my face as I sit so still drinking in this scene before me. You gently reach over and gather my hair holding it in a ponytail. I turn to face You. The softness in Your eyes will forever melt my very soul.
   I do see Jesus I do see.
   Good. You can't ask too many times you know, You can't wear out or use up your chances to see Me or hear Me express to you my love for you. 
   I at many times can barely grasp even the thought of that for what do I give You in return? 
   But that is the nature of my love it isn't requiring a response, it just is. 
   Yes and even my response there is out of line if I believe You are who You say You are. I am sorry.

   I set aside self and I turn to face You. I have to say Jesus... I don't think my time of fasting has been hard enough. What I mean, is it seems like You are so carrying me through it, enough so that I don't feel like I am sharing in Your suffering?
   But you actually do not see all that I am doing either.
   Oh.
   Remember the layer thing. For instance how many times in your life have you actually taken any real time thinking about the physical needs of your body and not depending upon yourself to take care of it? Have you even really considered that if you didn't have, that I would or could sustain you... physically? And what does that realization mean to the rest of your life? What does that knowledge shift in other things? What does that mean to the extent to which you are willing to surrender to me? Or for that matter even realize what you can surrender to Me?  
   So Jesus I have a thought now... what if I upped the ante? Because when I look at it now I see that my broth for lunch was also me hedging bets and I see that while I am dancing with the thoughts that You can sustain me in the absence of an actual physical need I also see how my brain will try to steal from that revelation... like when I couldn't run faster but was markedly slower I justified it like I was defending that You logically wouldn't keep me physically in regular condition that slowly my strength would drain (logically) as I fasted... I think that was an error. I don't need to defend You first off but I believe You could bring someone through whatever in perfect physical form if that was Your purpose. Is it mine? In a way yes I believe so why?  Because You are showing me the error in my rash thoughts. And because I think You are inviting me into more. 
   You kiss me.
   Open your eyes... I am still here lol. 
   Your face shines with joy and delight... love really. And I respond, my heart in a state of awe... I am much too far away! I climb onto Your lap sitting sideways and hugging You with all my strength. Your arms hold me with such protection ... authority??? I now rest my head against Your chest. 
   You love me.
   Yes I do. 
   Wow.

 

Day 7

July 26/12  Journal excerpts...

   Morning my Jesus... so I have to ask when I ate breakfast this morning was it really necessary or habit? You just really have me wondering in a most delighted way. My mind so wants to control and manage today but I would rather have You direct it and I follow at Your side enjoying and being thankful. I need You for that without a doubt! 
   So interesting verses to pop out this morning... Jer. 33:3 and Daniel 2:22 (and surrounding story of course)  I love that You are the God that is not only able but willing to reveal what is unknown and I desire to be that close to You, that I would know Your heart and ways and thoughts as You reveal. But I also know that it holds weight with it. Jesus prepare my heart and soul and mind to draw nearer to You, help me be about the first and then following beatitudes... blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven... blessed are those that mourn... for they will be comforted...

So I thought a lot about this passage in my shop and do You want me to share on a Sunday about it?

   I am feeling grouchy today when it got to lunch time perhaps feeling the effects of less food... so I want to surrender my right to be that way to those around me when I am physically feeling weaker. My stomach didn't tell me it was hunger however it is just my attitude and general weakness that tells me. Interesting. 
   I am stepping into a very volatile situation and I am completely at Your mercy. Dependent upon You alone... I am unable to cope or manage on my own nor do I wish to as I would spend hours analyzing afterwards regretting, replaying, repenting, praying and obsessing. Please show me how to be different, be You.  And give it to You.  By the power of You Sarayu. I love You.

Day 6

July 25/12 Journal.

   Morning Jesus this is Wednesday and I want to come and spend some on purpose time with You. On a fasting note I have to say I am boggled by how You indeed are keeping me physically to the point where it wasn't even an issue yesterday. I also want to thank You for enabling me to honor this commitment to You and keeping it between You and I and Ray. I was reflecting a bit this morning in bed and have noticed that You seem to be making some opportunities very clear in the moment... now I have not always been responding well or in time but I hope I will learn from this and perhaps I am learning to hear Your voice in the moment? I love that. I do want to continue to lift up our church and we corporately would embrace the movement of Your Spirit to help us let go of independence and take actual steps into You and learning to operate and live as a family dependent upon You. That is also my own personal prayer... God I know I have a long ways to go but I thank You for raising up this desire in me. Even though I don't know fully what it means. I love You Jesus so much.

    So I am wondering how amazing You are this is another day of fasting and yet I have made it to lunch without any discomfort... I assumed that it would be a lot harder but I know You are being very present physically, this attests to it. Even adding my Wed. morning fast to it. Huh. So what are You feeding me? :) I was sorry for my impatient yesterday with my horse,  I need to remember my patience in all things. Well I just wanted to say I love You again and help me please to be dependent upon You for all things and in all ways. Speak to me please.

second day of fasting

July 21/12 journal

Why I didn't come to the wordPad first is beyond me!  Now it is 10pm and I am tired. But my heart isn't. It has been an interesting week with an amazing last two days. I am soooo glad to be seeking You out with this fast. I am so glad that You have put into my mind and heart the thoughts You have. Even the verse for today on my iPhone was connected.
 In John 6...
   " I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. But I said to you that you have seen me and yet do not believe. All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out. ... For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day."

"You will take care of me... You will take care of me..." this is what repeated through my heart and mind throughout the first day. And today's verse which is apart of You explaining that we must eat Your flesh and drink Your blood brought to mind that You are able to do so much more than I can imagine or have tried to imagine and are able to 'keep' me when logically it may not make sense. For example Daniel and his friends. Oh and I want to note that I had a lot easier time believing You would take care of me today.

writing down my intent

July 20/12

Jesus I feel You calling me to a fast.  After seeking You out on this of what to give up and how I want to write down my intent and sacrifice.

I enter into this fast with You Jesus, Abba, and Sarayu because I want to intentionally with the physical reminder to seek You out deeper. I want to surrender my rights and independence. I want to hear You ask me... "how deep to do you want to go?" I want to learn and adopt an ever increasing dependence upon You that grows for the rest of my time here.

I am fasting my lunches for 21 days. I will drink broth but eat no solid food... if You allow me to veer from this I want it to only be by Your direction and to the glory of Your Name.

 

feeling alive

July 18/12 Journal entry.

   Morning Jesus I think one of the things I like the most about this morning fast is how it forces me to think through and commit to being dependent on You instead of what my habits or thoughts think I need or how I should do things. I want to confess my failings to You Jesus, while I catch logic it is amazing how strongly the emotional still supersedes it. Help me be strongly Yours, completely Yours in my relationships today. Jesus I still want to spend some time focused on asking for Your movement within our body to be even more bold in faith and dependence upon You. Holy God we need You like air, to really live and breathe... Help us want to live step by step under Your leading... help us seek to hear and obey... help us unite in Your Spirit more and more.

   So now that I got my ramble over please speak to me of Your heart today... thanks for that little encouragement from Jesse yesterday when he told me I should graffiti. Loved that. Thank You for putting some passion in my heart for those struggling with mental illness and how society handles them or treats them... tell us what to do. Thank You for bringing KC home safe and sound with the trailer issues. Thank You for the good sleep last night and for waking up feeling good... that was quite incredible.

later...
   Okay you have topped the scales now! In taking time (for myself really) I was reading the Shack and it reminded me of my delight and fascination with You... how my heart actually starts to ache in wanting to love You and be with You. And for that I can not thank You enough. Jesus literal tears came to my eyes whenever You are talked about or You speak... I am crazy in love with You and if I were at that cabin I suppose that I would be like a little kid following You everywhere lol. Wow does it ever feel good to have this reawakened.

                   it kinda makes me feel like this....

 

 

protect us from apathy

July 7/12  Journal.

   Morning Jesus... I want to take the remainder time and focus on You. 
   I want to thank You first off that You reveal Yourself very physically to me when I take these Wednesday mornings to fast. I KNOW it is happening in Your power  and I want to give You credit.    
   I also want to ask for Your Words... Your perspective... Your Spirit to fill me, to fill us. What do You want? What do You dream for us? Jesus please move us by Your Spirit to literally hunger after You and pursue You. Captivate our hearts and minds... make us alive again. :) So I guess in the same breath I want to pray that You would protect us from apathy,  from the pull of our comfortable places verses going anywhere with You.

being still

July 4/12  journal bits...

   So Jesus I am going to attempt another day refusing fear... inviting You into everything. 

   As this is my morning of prayer I want to continue it first with just spending some time with You.  I have to say I absolutely love this crazy wet and stormy weather... and that ride yesterday morning with Bailey was so perfect, overcast ,no bugs and perfectly cool.  Thanks.

   I believe if we met right now it would be along the river on our couch. To just sit together and for me to be... patient... awake... recognize the deepest delight of being still in Your presence. 
   The wind plays with the leaves of the trees and stirs the grass across the river. The air is warm and comfortable. I noticed that You repeated "and I lay down my life for my sheep" A LOT of times in that John passage. 
Yes. 
And it is something You chose to do and it is linked with knowing Your Father and Your sheep. 
Yes. I snuggle into the crook of Your arm and am quiet.

Abba... I want to ask You to help us wake up to Knowing You corporately as a unified, in Your Spirit and love, body. I want us to encounter this kind of dependence and decision... to hear and follow and lay down our lives as Your children and do Your will in following Your heart's desires in our loving back of You. To become a people who know what it means to know no fear. That would be crazy wild. 

taking Jesus to see my painting

July 1/12  Journal.

Hey Jesus... let me take You for a walk. Let me show You something. 

 

   Even though we head out with purpose there is no haste in our steps. Why would there be... we are together. We watch the light play on surfaces of buildings, sidewalks and the trees that line the streets.  They now dress in the colors of twilight. The scents of evening waft through the streets and speak in the language of memory both in the making and the remembering of. It makes me smile as I look up to see what You are thinking. We stop. You hold my face in Your hands and we stand without a word yet in deep communion. After a time You kiss my forehead and then drop Your hands to grab mine once again. The smile playing on Your lips is echoed by mine. 
   A few blocks later I put my hand against a building feeling the delight of the sun warmed brick as I pull open the door to the little shop. We've been here before but there is something for You Jesus... a soft laugh sneaks out as I pull You into the center of the room. I stand behind You now as I wait and watch You take in the pictures. 
   See that one?  I point to the one it is a scene of a huge glass window... yellow and ochres taint the panes, dust and dirt clinging.  Some panes are broken in their small square frames all the while the blur of movement, unfocused, streaks in front.
 
     Distraction.      Isn't it amazing what is left unattended while we move in an almost frenzied way to not see what really is. 
 
Jesus...
Hmmm? 
I want to see. I want to really see everything as You intended. With Kingdom eyes. Your eyes. I want to spend absolutely every moment with You... in Your presence. I cannot do this so I ask for it. I ask that Your fire with burn away all distraction and literally light up my soul in love and passion and a faith I can't describe to You alone. 
 
   We stand again... still... in one another's arms... not wanting for anything. 

the cup

June 27/12.  Journal entry.

   So here I am another fasting breakfast morning and ironically it was my hungry stomach that reminded me it was Wednesday lol. So this morning is all about You (as every waking and sleeping moment should be) and I am here to seek out Your heart and KNOW You. Before I bring anything before You is there anything You want to say to me?

You are on the right track.

Did I overstep my boundaries by sharing?

You know there are things that are between us and may remain so for a long time but why is that, ask it...

because I still don't want anyone to know about it

... so pride? fear? self protection?

Yes.

In loving people with my love you will find yourself more and more open and free because it isn't about you per say but about Me and what that means to them and the bigger picture, glorifying Me. So is it wrong to share what you are excited about? Whether you understand it or not? Whether you have words to accurately explain what you are experiencing? Even if you share something which you misinterpret something happens in the exchange. Love. Vulnerability in sharing, your confidence or finding them worthy to share with. Perhaps a seed that things should be looked at again and then again... questioned and pushed. I ask you to love and be alive... not to be perfect.

Hahaha, I remember that.

You smile with assurance and warmth and I see You push an empty cup towards me. I take hold of it and of course look inside lol. I hold it as if it held some treasured hot drink to be savored and look up into Your face.

I can fill that... I will fill that. Don't you.

Okay.

here are the facts... decide

Dearest Reader,
   Bear with me... this is one of those posts that may or may not make sense.  You know those dreams that kind of stick with you?  Make you wonder if there was something more to it? If you read this you went into it forewarned... welcome to some serious rambling.

June 25/12  Journal excerpt.

Need You Jesus.

Thanks. You are here. I know You are...

   I wonder many times what to say but when I thought of You just now I remembered my dream... I wanted to be with someone but there being a very real barrier in the dream. The barrier was You but in that split moment I wondered if You were the other one too. 
   I need to cross over somehow, I have flitted along the edge of being with You too long... I weary of the come and go of it. How do I step into a new life lived being with You all the time? Is it possible or allowable? 
   Interestingly the other one in the dream seemed somehow a stranger but at the same time not perhaps the only reason for that was the feel of a type of separation. Also, I thought it was the other person that had to make the decision and I remember posing it just like that ... kind of like, here are the facts... You decide what it will be. Strangely and frustratingly there was absolutely no resolution in the dream.  Huh. But what if it isn't the other way around? What if it is me that needs to look at the God facts and decide what it will be? Here it is Tam... it is all or nothing... take it or it is done. That sounds pretty harsh, could You tell me more Jesus?  Resolve the story for me? 

Sweetness

June 26/12

   Morning Jesus, well it will be a full but I anticipate a good day today. Thank You for helping me sort it out without too much stress. Interesting how yesterday turned out and I for some reason was surprised. But I guess not. 

   Help me walk hand in hand with You today.

   Thank You for the sweetnesses of yesterday... the smell of the weeds being crushed beneath my cowboy boots as I went out to catch the horses. Or the way I got things done and got some quiet time. The time of riding on our horses on the little lawn with Bailey in the rain, in our shirt sleeves and not feeling cold at all. And then having KC come out and join us, to watch us and sit in the rain. Running to and being hugged by Tyson was a sweetness. Even Ray coming with me to town to drop off movies. Jesus You are everywhere please speak to me more today, help me be aware and feel You. Take me over the line I have lived behind for far too long. 

I love You.

let's hang out

June 12/12 Journal excerpt

   I just wanted to come to You quickly before heading out to my shop, I am so very tired inside and out and have nothing but I thought maybe You might have something for me? Is there anything You want me to hear? Or do with You?

   Thank You for the sweetness of the air this morning.

   Thank You that my coffee tasted very good.

   And thank You for the warmth of the sun. These are things I noticed and relished.

   Perhaps You could wake me up enough to hang out with You in a very conscious way today? That would be amazing.

How do I live each moment with the determination that You are my life.

 

a declaration

June 5/12, Journal entry.

   Jesus I am here!

   I burst into the room and even as I am closing the door, my eyes are quickly scanning the room for You. I cannot help but pause You are like the sweetness of new rain and wet earth... I breathe in and feel at once so much more like myself. Holy Holy Holy.
  You are sitting by the open window ... on it's ledge and I run across the room to You. You stand up to receive me into Your arms and then, if I ever wish for time to stop, it would be now.

   After a time, however, we are seated across from one another fully engaged in conversation while the breeze continues to breathe into the room the scent of life itself. The movement of the gauzy curtains lifting and falling catch my eye and I know You are here Sarayu. Welcome. My solemn moment yesterday afternoon has changed to anticipation and well... excitement. Anywhere Jesus... Anything. I thought about my journey, being a self labeled Jesus Freak, and it is interesting to note how we have sojourned together. Even after my awakening I continue to marvel at the levels and depths You take me ever so gradually.

What are You thinking Jesus?  I am thinking today is a big day and we should stand and take it in.
  
And so we do. The window ledges we were sitting on is where we now place our feet. I look up and see the structure of where we are... it is quite grand. The windows alone must be over 12' high and they are wide enough to stand with ease and be able to move... The three windows are shaped in a bay window fashion, except to great size exaggeration and it's brilliant. The frames in which we stand are wide open the curtains hanging loosely on the outside edges while the middle two curtains have been draped over a hook halfway down and so are at half the length which is still above my head. The room behind us is dim and yet very clean ... and empty. The wood planked floor tells of much time passing yet is clean and holds a deep color from the years of wear and refurnishing. The walls are bare except for small lights that hang down that really only light a small space on the wall it nearly touches. They are not at all intended to light the room but it waits for it's time to light up a piece of artwork or a message. I have to say that stirs something deep inside of me and makes me smile. 
   I look over at You and see that You are watching me take in our surrounding with a bemused look on Your face and that familiar sparkle in Your eye. I take the two steps over to your window frame and stand with You... close to You.
 
  We look now at what is out there. 
   It is not in what I see however, it is what I feel. There is a statement being said in our stance together. There is a power of deep resolve and this leads me to feel the anticipation of whatever comes. Big, small, powerful, weak, all the vice verses, the contrasts, the light and dark. Whatever is revealed is what we step into... together. And it is good. To do this... to step into the unknown, the come what may, armed with... love... in all it's various and mysterious forms, unleashed by Your Spirit... brandished with Your strength... tempered with Your mercy, ablaze with Your justice. A long time ago at the beginning of my awakening You showed me an image it was a banner flown at the front of a parading army on it was embroidered a white stylized sword... Ephesians comes to mind "...and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints..." Hey Sarayu perhaps we will get to know each other intimately yet and as my smile breaks into a quiet laugh I feel once more the wind's breath upon my face and I close my eyes as I breathe as deeply as I can. Your arms then come around me holding me close and You lean down and whisper in my ear.

[You are mine. My beloved. You go NOWHERE without Me. You belong to Me.] 

  These words feel more than a message to me they resound like a declaration of (battle?) to what I cannot see.... yet. 

a conduit giver

June 4/12 Journal

   Jesus I am so sorry... I miss You like crazy which makes no sense why I haven't been spending time with You... Today is overwhelming and I want to hide. There is too much. 
   I am sure You felt that a time or two. Where Jesus? 
   All I can see are Your eyes... I see an ache in them that I know I have caused. As I walked down to my laundry room this morning I saw... I saw that You have been loving me while I have been rushing around and then not taking my breaks to breathe with You. I saw that that is a hard way to love even when You do it because it is who You are... I am sorry to make anything hard on You. I am sorry that I waste even a moment out of my time here not being wrapped up in You. You raise Your hands and gently take hold of my face... and as You look so deeply into my eyes I see a tear form and slip down but it is in love... Your eyes are gentle and so sincere... your smile small but genuine

I am glad You are here.
    Me too. I want to physically lay down myself Jesus and tell You and show You that I understand what I feel when i am treading water is so small in proportion to what You know and even though You aren't there now I want to minister to You there. We settle down on a couch on the deck of the Ford's place facing east and south. Everything is perfect the wood new and sturdy treated to a beautiful color the smell sweet in the newness of day or just after a rain... The sky pours forth messages of greatness and majesty dramatic and heart stopping in beauty. But it is in the right now of this moment that I look at You...

   ...voices and hearts continually cry out to You, others curse and denounce, some of the hardest are the lost ones... those crying and broken that do not know of hope, real hope... You... 

   You hear them all and ache. You lay Your head back on the cushioned couch and close Your eyes. I sit cross legged beside You and tentatively reach out for one of Your hands. Your hand is heavy and warm as I lift it up and hold it. You gently squeeze my hand in response but then remain so very still. 
 
   Father, Sarayu... I know You are here, as You are ultimately One, but I just want to ask for a time suspension, a time that is completely bathed and protected by love. I want a moment of deepest connection for [Your] heart and a returning love continually bathed in Your peace. I don't know how this works but that is what I desire for Jesus... a moment of a returning love that comes with the knowledge that it isn't ever going to end. I don't know perhaps it was kind of like this when the angels ministered to Him after the time of temptation in the desert. Except I want to be the asker.  And conduit giver. As I spoke I lifted my hand palm outward to Abba and Sarayu but now I open my eyes and see that Your eyes are now open and You are sitting up and looking intently at me. I drop my hand a little shocked and wondering what You are thinking. You are now the one holding my hand and You slowly and firmly pull me into a hug. We stay there. After a moment I cannot help but start to weep. I love You Jesus so much and I ache that I forget to come so often.

   After a time we sit facing out to the horizon. Comfortable in the stillness, the quiet.

   I sometimes feel like I am on the edge of a thought and I fear what hasn't quite formed into words. I fear I am making mistakes being a parent that I cannot ever change nor stop the repercussions that come of those acts. Can I ask for forgiveness for what I do not know how to change? Can I ask You to redeem it and have mercy on my children? Can I?

We sit holding hands in a moment that time has no grip on.

Can You give me more?
All I have, all I am is Yours Jesus.

Yes that is so.
Anything it is Yours.

   Abba Father sits down beside me and picks up my other hand holding it in his now familiar strength. I squeeze my eyes shut in the sheer magnitude of this moment ... the only word I can hold onto in my mind is 'anything' and it repeats itself over and over again.

   I know You are here Sarayu and I am thinking I would love to be more like You. My existence to be about Abba and his words and messages and conduit for His love with the purpose of honoring and glorifying the Father over and over out of love.

   I am thinking that Abba Father and Jesus just high fived but I have a hard time typing that because it seems so... human? 

 

On the corner of a building

  
   So let's meet on the corner of a building ... on the roof with our feet hanging over. It is again late afternoon evening and the warmth of the low sun is felt on my skin. Jesus. I pull my legs up and lay down on my side and put my head on Your lap. I feel small and I feel the deep need of wanting to be taken care of. I am afraid, I am anticipating (to much probably)and I want this situation to be taken away from me and of it being my responsibility. I close my eyes and almost hold my breath waiting.
 
Would I arrange something you are not ready for?
  No. But You could make me ready just in that moment and that is scary too. 
Isn't it scarier to be somewhere I am not putting you?
  Yes. That would be very horrible. But why this? Why this situation of my life?
Isn't it one that is relevant?
  Yes. 
Have you done what I have asked of you?
  No.
How do I work with disobedience? With refusal?
  The situation doesn't get healed.
And it's not you that is really suffering is it?
  No not really because I had no clue really why it happened in the first place.  Well I need to obey...
Yes. 
   ...I can't say sorry enough times. 
Yes you can, it's only the one sorry that leads to obedience that is really necessary. 

Journal excerpt... 2008... spending time in the city

a deeper insight into the city

 
   Oh Jesus that was so cool!  There I was sitting in a meeting talking about that verse in Galatians 4 where the Galatians are returning to be enslaved by the law when... BAM! You bring to mind, so strongly, the picture of our meeting in the city where all of a sudden I was afraid of the dark but then I wanted to go out of the city (with it's lights) into the wilderness.  To go into the country because I was  more used to that than the city. Wow! 
   And I thought, yup, it's just like that. Why would I leave where Jesus has brought me except in fear of the unknown ... to go to what I understand and know ... not where it is better or safer or even more comfortable but just to what I know and understand and well... that which is my bubble really. And writing this out and after that revelation I was so relieved that I stayed in the city with You instead of leaving. So very glad. But how did You keep me in the city. I was so clueless as to why we were there.  Huh. 

exploring the city

    ...So are we still in the city with Rachael? 
 
   I think this is a day to explore!!!! Let's walk down the streets ... Rachael is on Your shoulders laughing and holding a balloon. We walk down the street that was on our left going back into the heart of the city. The light of the day is new and fresh... the sun rising and ever gaining it's strength. It is the light that often washes things of the ordinary with gold. There are now trees planted along the sidewalks they are tall and thin, a regal kind of beauty.  I can't think of what kind of tree it is but we are coming up to the center of the city.... it is breath taking! 
   I see a pool and fountain that is in the center, surrounded by blocks of grass and trees ... at first they are shade trees but when it gets closer to the pool there are stickpin trees that give importance and grandeur.  Steps lead up to the pool but the pool is not right away there is yet more land surrounding it.  Patterned brick work leads to the center pool.  The grass sections here are such a brilliant green and are calling, no begging, to be run on. There are four gazebo type structures around the pool that are made of huge timbers and delicate fabric hanging with vines climbing ever upwards giving scents and shade. 
   It is here that we stand, all of us hand in hand, just looking and taking it all in. We are washed with a reverence... a love and awe of You... Oh Father be praised and loved by us... Oh Holy Spirit thank You for leading us and doing battle for us... Oh Jesus I cannot tell You just how much I love and appreciate all You have done and continue to do, blessing us with Your love and mercy. Everything is way beyond what we deserve (which is nothing) You are a God of example.  We now go laughing and running into the pool, splashing each other while we run and swim. All of us are in a state of such happiness and joy, peace and delight. How cool. 
   We are now laying on our backs with our heads together looking up into the sky watching the clouds and feeling the deep heat of the sun as it dries us. 

   Well my time is up my family awakens and the day is into full swing. I will continue to thank You for this time, for this experience. Thank You. I love You with all I am. I give You myself completely again for this day. I love You so deeply and I want to love You even more please help me get there. 

Rachael comes into the city

   So we left yesterday still sitting on the curb and You told me that I would bring people into this city. Do we do this now? 
You know you want to bring Rachael in so don't leave her waiting. 
Okay. 
   I see her coming in from the road that leads out and she is with us. We are all very excited about being together.  She is up in Your arms right away laughing and squealing with delight. I cannot wipe the grin off of my face. She's the only one here so I don't want to leave her anywhere so she stays with us. 
I can't seem to leave our place on this corner, is that alright? 
Yes. 
Okay. I'm going to go for now keep this on my mind so I know what to do. I love You, I love you both...

still on the curb

   Okay I am back now, I didn't think about being on the curb with You very much but when I did I felt like we were still there. I think the pull of going out of the city to be in Your creation with You is there because it is what I know. But there are curious things... what of this city that is empty? Empty of even the real evidence of living. I was wondering at one point if there was dirt and sand underneath me in the gutter to write in but I am not even sure that's there. Well I guess the best way to start this again would be to ask You...
Are we still on the curb?
Yes. 
Why?
To gain focus and perspective before we begin. 
Hmmm. Will You tell me what I am seeing? Who is going to come to this city? Who is going to live here? 
The people you bring. 
How do I bring them? 
Prayer. 
Will people come that I don't recognize? Will some come before I pray for them?
Ask me then. I want to ask you now. Who are you going to bring to this city? 
Rachael. 
Good!  Does that excite you? 
Yes I can feel it in my chest. 
It's a feeling you've come to trust isn't it? 
Yes. What do we do here? 
Spend time together. Pray. Feel things like quiet and peace and whatever I want to bring. 
Hmmm that sounds really good. 

My first time in the City

Dearest Reader... I know there has been a dreadful lull in my posting  as of late but we have now circled back to the beginning.  My introduction to the city of meeting.  I had no inkling of just how significant this place and this way of meeting would become to me and even now it regularly takes me beyond what I can imagine. 
   
Journal excerpt 2008

Hey Jesus do You want to meet? 
Sure. 
Where? 
Let's walk.
Okay. 
   We are walking down a city alley. For whatever reason it is empty and it is evening. The light plays on the bricks and walls putting on colors that belong to the light. It is a desolate place ... there is nothing, not even garbage or objects except for the walls and fire escapes. We continue to walk and come to a street where we turn and walk into the setting sun.  I feel it's last rays of warmth and as I close my eyes I see the color flood under my eyelids. I am holding Your hand. 
   I open my eyes and we sit on the side of the road on a curb. Quiet surrounds us but there is a peace that is so thick I cannot help but feel it. I look at You and You look into my eyes and smile. I want to ask why here, but I cannot for some reason... I guess it's because You chose it and You'll tell me. I lean on Your arm and shoulder as we watch the sky dance with color that is changing before our eyes. All of a sudden I dread the actual setting of the sun.  Where will warmth come from?  Wow what a random thought I'm sorry. It is dark now... all of a sudden. Am I cold? No. There is a warm mugginess to the night. Street lights flicker on all down the streets as we sit here on a corner that offers up a road out of town into the deepening night.  To my right and left are streets that continue on in town... There is a Coca Cola neon sign in the window of a store down there. Hmmm. Where will we go? Are we to stay or leave? We continue to sit.
  ... I am going to take this image with me please help me see more ... I love You Jesus ... I am glad to be with You alone. To be alone with You. Hmmmm.  You are my life, You are all I want and need. I give You myself today my heart, my passion, my limited understanding that hungers for understanding and revelation from You. My all ... it is Yours. I will be satisfied in You.

Prayers for Rachael ~4

 
    I am thinking about Rachael this morning. Jesus should we visit her?
 
   This time she is in an activity room and there is lots happening around her. But when she sees You she smiles so big. There is such delight and recognition in her eyes. You sweep her up in Your arms hugging her close and laugh at her delight in You. How can You not? I want to be part of it so lay my hands on both You and her. 
   You set her down and she takes off running but we are all running and it is on fresh green grass, no thistles or rocks or worries. We run simply for the joy of it until we come upon an ancient tree that towers so high above us.  Lying down on our backs, we look up through the branches. The greens around us are startlingly brilliant. Rachael comes over and sits on You. You give her an airplane ride and she laughs and laughs. Then You tuck her under Your arm and we all take off into the sky. We go high into the clouds and it is fresh, damp and quiet we glide effortlessly through them and come down by a stream. Immediately we roll up our pant legs and soak our feet in the running water. It's so nice to feel the cool water running over them. 
   We then lie back and watch the clouds from here... Seeing shapes that become pictures. You start telling stories,  real ones and we see it take place in the clouds .We are entranced by Your words and voice.  The pictures we see playing out far above our heads hold us equally in rapt attention. We never want You to stop. We sleep. Such a pure rest and are now back in her room...

   We hold hands over Rachael, praying for her. You Jesus, are her protection and delight, You are hope and love.  You are what is good. I love You, I thank You.

2008 

prayers for Rachael ~ 3

    Jesus should we go and spend some time with Rachael this morning? Okay. 
   The hallway isn't dark this morning it is very, very white. Rachael comes peeking out of her doorway and as she comes laughing towards You she is in color ... she leaves a trail of color where she has walked. She comes running into Your arms and laughs... You hold her so tight. What can I do Jesus? Is there anything? Write down what You see. You start running, gaining much speed and there at the end of the hallway is a great window. You and Rachael burst through the window and fly into the air... without shock or injury You take Rachel on a beautiful ride. You take her where she has not  yet been. You delight her with fragrant gardens and cool moist leaves. You delight her with the spray of a waterfall and You cuddle her as You take her through the clouds of rest and the gentle swaying of being rocked on the currents of air.  She sleeps in Your arms, so content that You are there. When she awakes she is so delighted to see Your face. You walk with her on Your shoulders and she laughs and points and talks to You as plainly as a adult... she speaks with her heart.  
    Is there anywhere else You will take her? It's weird almost like having a dream but I'm wide awake... I know where You are with her right now at the bus stop in Red Deer by the Safeway and Dairy Queen... may I ask why? The eve of a journey? Would You like to take her to the research station in Lacombe?  To fly through the trees that are so huge and beautiful. The scent of fall and smell of change hanging thick in the air creating excitement in anticipation.  Maybe she would like to have some huge old trees in her room to remind her of Your strength and steadfastness, that You are watching over her always. Jesus I would love her to have this. With a weeping willow in one corner that she can hear rustling when she needs distraction from pain or fear. Jesus let it sway and sing to her of Your presence and delight her further, that she will even be able to smell the earth and leaves like after a fresh rain and see the sun is reflecting off the wet leaves.
   May I pray with You ? She is cuddled in her blankets and our hands are on her little body as we let our souls cry out in love for this soul.  May Your power and love be felt.  Oh Father do such a mighty work in her, she is so Yours and she needs You in unexplainable ways now... May glory for Your Holy Name come out of Your love for her. Amen. Thank You for the trees. We walk out together quietly and contentedly. I love You. 

2008   

Love that shifts one's very soul

Journal entry... Aug 29/12 12:49 pm

(Dear Reader, Pardon my exuberance this entry could not wait for chronological order nor a another day)

My dearest Jesus, I realized something just now.

   When I experience even a slight widening in my concept or realization of love ... my heart near breaks with it as I realize it is becoming more complete. In the wake of this I want with all my soul to give it back to You.
   To love You in even a incrementally deeper way results in two things.  One, it thrills me and moves me foundationally, something so deep that my soul changes in a some way... and You are the One I long to offer it back to. For I know without doubt where love originates from. Second my heart breaks which also adds to that shifting of my inner soul. I am so sorry, in light of the revelation, that I had not yet loved You fully... and beneath it I know also that there is no end to my learning... and this in itself breaks my heart... for in the same way I learn that the depths of Your love and what You have done for me within that love has been there and for years I have lived in the face of it without acknowledgment and that kills me. Your love is so complete. Mine so far from it. I am so sorry.

   But right now let me offer myself anew. Let me sit down beside You... longing to take Your hand in the fire of a deeper love and with the cool wash of a deeper humbleness. I bow my head. I cannot hold in my tears as You, in response, get off the bench and kneel before me (!) You take both of my hands in Yours and Your eyes meet mine. And although You are slightly blurry behind my tears I cannot help but laugh in the rapture of the moment and fling my arms around Your neck. I hear Your responding laugh but then we both fall silent. And You stand, still holding me fast. This is a Holy moment. Although my mind starts to reel with the how and why of Your love and who am I... I silence it. This time is beyond that, it is simply and yet most profoundly a time of love, celebrated in the giving and receiving of it. Of it being existent.

You are love.

You are my love.

Holy, Holy, Holy.

 

prayers for Rachael ~ 2

  
   So Jesus I haven't talked with You again about Rachael. What should I say, what should I be doing?

    Should we storm the hospital hallway and room and protect all inside with the fight of faith?  Shields up and may the sword of truth be heard ringing throughout this place! We are not alone there are others fighting with us... we cover the room, all the corners, we circle the bed, facing out...
 
... we look at each other and feel for all those that have wept and prayed and cried out and felt lost surrounding Rachael. Let our fight give some clarity to the hearts surrounding this girl. Let the cloud of attack and fear and doubt be gone for right now. Gone enough that You are going to heard as You go around this room and speak and touch each person here. Very personally, very privately ... You take some by the shoulders and whisper into their ear... You take others by the hand as they sit and look into their eyes and speak ... others You come behind and wrap Your arms around them and hold them with such strength and tenderness and You hum and whisper and love them. Then You touch Rachael and she jumps up to sit cross legged on the bed and laugh with You. You play a clapping game and You both laugh and are delighted to be in each other's presence. Each event leaves us changed. Today will not be forgotten because You change us just by allowing us to be in Your presence. I love You Jesus. I love You.

2007

   

prayers for Rachael ~ 1

December 2007

  Jesus I watched You go into Rachael's room last night, as I prayed.  I watched You lie in bed with her and hold her. I know she recognized You because she just would, she is Your child. I pray that Your presence there healed her liver and spleen and I believe that You will restore her brain activity.  I believe she will laugh because You cause her to laugh. I believe she will smile because of the work of Your Holy Spirit. I believe she will cause others, not only me, to believe in You deeper.
  In Your Name I pray this Jesus, Your powerful and loving Name. Tam.

Let's go back to the beginning

May 22/12

My head hurts really bad today but it is raining. 

I love You, Jesus. I am pretty unable to plan and think things through right now with this headache but if there is anything at all You want to say to me I am here and I am listening. I have come to see that discipline is a very necessary thing no matter where I am at. Jesus I see that it really is just another way of loving You. (lol wow that last sentence took about 8 min to write down and you would not believe the series of thoughts that just went through my head only to return to my first one lol) It is not in the reward of knowing much that comes from it but it is in the ability to at a moment's notice, to love someone well instead.

   What if we met back on that corner? After I back things up I am going to see if there is any chance that journal has been saved.

   (Dearest Reader... what corner?  Well it was on a corner of a place I did not recognize that Jesus introduced me to the 'city'.  In the next while I am going way, way back and am going to share where and how the city came to be.  There was a very young girl (I think around 3) I was praying for with serious medical issues and the way I met with Jesus to pray for her was in a very, very different way than I had ever done before and it seemed significantly linked to my city.  Therefore I will post some journals, just before the city, that contain some of my prayers for Rachael )

   Interestingly although my words are not necessarily in my mind anymore the images and my feelings are. I can see or relive what it was like to walk down that alley and being taken aback by the absolute absence of litter or dirt ... anything. and again sitting on the curb and reaching down to touch the gutter and see it clean and clear of all traces of anything. I think it was in this meeting that there was a choice to be made but perhaps that came later. But I remember wondering who would come to our city. Oh yes this all kind of came out of meeting with You and Rachael. So I knew the city was linked with prayer but it was all so unknown ground. I sure hope we can find it.

   So we sit while I wait impatiently and You laugh at me. Softly.  My head hurts. Yes and You pull me close and hold my head against Your chest for a little while. When I straighten up I look down at my feet and the gutter.... tracing the cement with my fingers. And then it starts to rain slowly at first I can see it rather than feel it... each spot that is hit changing color. Gradually the spots merge and the intensity of the rain increases. My jeans are now soaked and stick to my legs, I feel the rain soaking through my hair and run down through my curly hair and onto my sweater. But I am not cold. Finally when I look in the gutter I see a trickle of water now coursing it's way downhill.

  

Go with me

May 4/12

I know it is the same day but I wanted a fresh page.

   Time ticks on... only 30min till we leave. I grab Your coat with both my hands holding tight, beseeching You with my eyes to hear my thoughts and to fill me. You reciprocate the action grabbing onto my coat and Your eyes dance with the light of Your love for me and the manner in which I asked... although the shake of Your head was so very slight, it was there :)

Gray

May 4/12

I know they are wrong when they say I am strong... as the darkness comes and covers me.    

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory... I am not afraid to bear all my weakness

 ... I have a kingdom to gain  (Jennifer Knapp)

                             Captivated by those words. Love them.

     Jesus here am I... send me. I sit beside You. We are on a crazy high cliff and the ocean literally crashes on the rocky shore below. It is uncomfortable here. the wind a little too cold... the salt seems to hang onto the updraft forced up the cliff face and into our faces. The sun must be there but is hidden behind the layers upon layers of gray to the point that I wonder what it would take to actually get through it all. So as I rake my eyes across all that is displayed before me I wonder at just how completely everything is touched by the caste of gray. It seems to leech the life out of everything. Or like everything is frozen or stopped in it's tracks. Even though the ocean still surges it now takes on an angry feel, the drudgery of constant motion. I lift my hand up and see that even I am gray. Disturbing. I want to look at You but in some ways I am afraid... what if You are gray too and what would that mean? Instead You reach over to my hand now resting on my leg. Your hand is like mine in color until the moment You touch me. Where our skin touches the color of life spreads like ink in water. I turn my head now and look at Your face Your eyes are color too. I knew they'd have to be. .... even someone dead inside feels it when they look, really look into Your eyes.

    I know what is coming... we stand up and I see that crinkle around Your eyes. I want to be as close to You as I can so I climb on Your back just before You take a step right off the cliff. WHOOSH. The whistling air steals my hearing and my breath until just as suddenly we hit the water and then all I hear is the roar of plunging through it and then the muffled familiar sound of my own heart and breathing in my ears. Yeah my breathing... it is ragged and irregular as I recover from the suddenness but I break into a big grin as I look for Your face and feel You pulling me by the hand through the water.  Mmm nope.... I laugh. I let go of Your hand and kick with all my strength to catch up and wrap my arms around your neck once again... piggybacking and gliding so smoothly and fast through the water. I love You so much. I am okay here. haha

Nothing dominates You

May 2/12
   Jesus I am here. 
  When I read that lady's telling of her experiencing You reveal Your presence to her and her response was to say... sweet Jesus.  I knew what she knew in that moment. 
   Right now I just want to open myself up completely to You. For whatever You have for me, whatever You want to say to me. In the last few days I have felt You in so very much of what I do, even the small increments of time that I take to read or whether to listen to music or Scripture or what would mean the most to who I am with or will be. I like this intimacy alot. 
Nothing dominates You.

Our need of dependence upon Him

April 26/12 journal excerpt

   Part of a verse popped out to me the other day in 1Kings 1:29.    In the midst of King David’s now oldest son trying to become King without his Dad’s blessing and a few trying to right it by telling David about it, trying instead to get Solomon in there, David says... "....As the Lord lives, who has redeemed my soul out of every adversity, ..." and it isn’t even a full sentence haha. But here’s what I thought... wow! Oh to be able to say that at the end of my days! 
         
   Here is David very old, at the end of his days and this statement holds such depth when you think about it. I don’t think it is just a saying to say I think through all his ups and downs his mistakes and redemptions he actually lived in enough dependence upon the LORD that this was actually his experience (and as Glenn would say according to his circles message it would be knowledge for him where his beliefs have been lined up with truth in and through experience.) Interestingly, this theme of dependence upon God that requires living out beliefs is coming up again and again for me. When I recall David's life and how he lived he became a beyond competent leader and warrior full of knowledge of how to fight and with the ability to gain the trust and often absolute love of those that followed him. He could easily have run with it, leaning on his own ways and experiences to guide him but time and again he showed a preference and deference to seeking out God first and following Him regardless of what his own logic, emotion or experience told him.  Side note... I think the years he spent fleeing Saul in the wilderness waiting for God's timing and honoring it to an extreme would have been the hardest time for him or in developing his dependence upon God... go with me for a minute... we know that David had done nothing wrong YET Saul wanted to kill him, He knows he has been anointed by Samuel for the role of leading God's people, think about it... it is the classic struggle for self ... I deserve.... I am wrongfully accused, I am suffering without cause, do you know who I am?? And God left him out there a long time... almost like in answering to a question, if you truly want to follow me (to lead a life following me) then you have no recourse but to be completely dependent upon Me.
   
   Now do you think it makes sense that God would ask of us the same thing? The same level of dependence? The same deference and preference to His ways instead of our own?

I hear You

Hey Jesus... I heard You. 

   Not just today but I heard You yesterday too. It just seems to take a while to get all the way into my heart and mind. Not sure why. Perhaps I will get better at the processing time as we go along hahaha.     There are no more bottles to throw but I recognize something else in light of where I have been...

  I have to relearn how to live. 

Ha... no small task there. And there is no option in how to look at it either... only through Your eyes and with Your heart... and any result is due You and Your Sweet Holy Spirit. This is the positive or opposite flip side to dying to self. How many times have I stressed how important it is to look at a teaching from both sides even when only one side is presented.

Oh yeah... it is April 24/12...

   The absolute weight of what I felt on my soul ... the lost bumbling about with nothing to fit, that logically should have... I now see the potential that perhaps, that was a time where I need to be on my face asking You to come alive in me... to fill me up to overflowing... with what instead should be my very purpose in living at all. If I am to die to self and continually to the echos of self, there is also a very real need for it to be filled with not just a mental assent to who You are but a challenge, a dare to act out the life truly lived in Your Spirit. Now I am not saying I haven't been taking steps towards this (as who can not with even the initial encounter with You!) but You are a restless God... wild and free... demanding??? holiness (loving You with all our hearts and souls and minds and strength) Which in itself literally screams the necessity of change and what is that... except a stepping out of our known places. Not into unsafe places... not places wrought with fear and danger... but into Your places, places of Your Spirit that are presently unknown to us. Places that don't ask us to bring anything but our love for You... in fact, places that don't allow us to stay with baggage even if it is just a small carry on!  So these places are where we get to know what we are to do, this is where the new man truly comes to life. The You in us. Where we get to be fully human (as You intended) not less than human (corruption of our old self under bondage to sin and death) I am starting to recognize how lessons from You may sound so repetitive but mean so much more even just one layer deeper. When we apply new knowledge to our lives the exponentially sharper effect on the learning curve is astounding. My words my never be able to convey the absolute depth of havoc and then pain of learning that each layer of the same lesson teaches me but the absolute thrill of feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit working and changing me is nothing I can ever reproduce myself. There is just so much to learn, let me never be arrogant thinking I've got it cause I don't... can we ever attain all of who God is?  It is ridiculous even to say it! Yet are we not saying that exact thing when we take what we have been given, taught or shown and refuse any more?

   If I step back right now and re look at where I have been and what I now see it as... I wonder inside if this is just one more prod to speak... if I am going to be out in the left field of You, daring to try even if I fall on my face... then I want to err on doing instead of not doing.  I am tired of just thinking, I want to apply.