a conduit giver

June 4/12 Journal

   Jesus I am so sorry... I miss You like crazy which makes no sense why I haven't been spending time with You... Today is overwhelming and I want to hide. There is too much. 
   I am sure You felt that a time or two. Where Jesus? 
   All I can see are Your eyes... I see an ache in them that I know I have caused. As I walked down to my laundry room this morning I saw... I saw that You have been loving me while I have been rushing around and then not taking my breaks to breathe with You. I saw that that is a hard way to love even when You do it because it is who You are... I am sorry to make anything hard on You. I am sorry that I waste even a moment out of my time here not being wrapped up in You. You raise Your hands and gently take hold of my face... and as You look so deeply into my eyes I see a tear form and slip down but it is in love... Your eyes are gentle and so sincere... your smile small but genuine

I am glad You are here.
    Me too. I want to physically lay down myself Jesus and tell You and show You that I understand what I feel when i am treading water is so small in proportion to what You know and even though You aren't there now I want to minister to You there. We settle down on a couch on the deck of the Ford's place facing east and south. Everything is perfect the wood new and sturdy treated to a beautiful color the smell sweet in the newness of day or just after a rain... The sky pours forth messages of greatness and majesty dramatic and heart stopping in beauty. But it is in the right now of this moment that I look at You...

   ...voices and hearts continually cry out to You, others curse and denounce, some of the hardest are the lost ones... those crying and broken that do not know of hope, real hope... You... 

   You hear them all and ache. You lay Your head back on the cushioned couch and close Your eyes. I sit cross legged beside You and tentatively reach out for one of Your hands. Your hand is heavy and warm as I lift it up and hold it. You gently squeeze my hand in response but then remain so very still. 
 
   Father, Sarayu... I know You are here, as You are ultimately One, but I just want to ask for a time suspension, a time that is completely bathed and protected by love. I want a moment of deepest connection for [Your] heart and a returning love continually bathed in Your peace. I don't know how this works but that is what I desire for Jesus... a moment of a returning love that comes with the knowledge that it isn't ever going to end. I don't know perhaps it was kind of like this when the angels ministered to Him after the time of temptation in the desert. Except I want to be the asker.  And conduit giver. As I spoke I lifted my hand palm outward to Abba and Sarayu but now I open my eyes and see that Your eyes are now open and You are sitting up and looking intently at me. I drop my hand a little shocked and wondering what You are thinking. You are now the one holding my hand and You slowly and firmly pull me into a hug. We stay there. After a moment I cannot help but start to weep. I love You Jesus so much and I ache that I forget to come so often.

   After a time we sit facing out to the horizon. Comfortable in the stillness, the quiet.

   I sometimes feel like I am on the edge of a thought and I fear what hasn't quite formed into words. I fear I am making mistakes being a parent that I cannot ever change nor stop the repercussions that come of those acts. Can I ask for forgiveness for what I do not know how to change? Can I ask You to redeem it and have mercy on my children? Can I?

We sit holding hands in a moment that time has no grip on.

Can You give me more?
All I have, all I am is Yours Jesus.

Yes that is so.
Anything it is Yours.

   Abba Father sits down beside me and picks up my other hand holding it in his now familiar strength. I squeeze my eyes shut in the sheer magnitude of this moment ... the only word I can hold onto in my mind is 'anything' and it repeats itself over and over again.

   I know You are here Sarayu and I am thinking I would love to be more like You. My existence to be about Abba and his words and messages and conduit for His love with the purpose of honoring and glorifying the Father over and over out of love.

   I am thinking that Abba Father and Jesus just high fived but I have a hard time typing that because it seems so... human?