On the corner of a building

  
   So let's meet on the corner of a building ... on the roof with our feet hanging over. It is again late afternoon evening and the warmth of the low sun is felt on my skin. Jesus. I pull my legs up and lay down on my side and put my head on Your lap. I feel small and I feel the deep need of wanting to be taken care of. I am afraid, I am anticipating (to much probably)and I want this situation to be taken away from me and of it being my responsibility. I close my eyes and almost hold my breath waiting.
 
Would I arrange something you are not ready for?
  No. But You could make me ready just in that moment and that is scary too. 
Isn't it scarier to be somewhere I am not putting you?
  Yes. That would be very horrible. But why this? Why this situation of my life?
Isn't it one that is relevant?
  Yes. 
Have you done what I have asked of you?
  No.
How do I work with disobedience? With refusal?
  The situation doesn't get healed.
And it's not you that is really suffering is it?
  No not really because I had no clue really why it happened in the first place.  Well I need to obey...
Yes. 
   ...I can't say sorry enough times. 
Yes you can, it's only the one sorry that leads to obedience that is really necessary. 

Journal excerpt... 2008... spending time in the city