July 30/12 Journal.
Jesus, I realize the minutes and hours of today are already slipping away but after my breakfast all I really wanted was to come and be with You. To meet You and hear You talk to me. I yearn to know Your love.
That is easy... does this view give you even an impression of the vastness of what I feel for you?
As my eyes take in the enormous panorama around us I am without words... we are sitting atop a very high place in fact I see no other place higher at the moment. The expanse expressed by the sloping valleys covered in low grasses of many colors. Rock and half buried rock seem to climb right out of the ground with fingers of sometimes great proportion or barely a gleaning of them... The sky adds only drama to this scene... the scattered clouds and wind that keeps them moving, transforming, seem to bring to life, with light, the ground ... the dramatic lights and darks travel across the plains and even if it only rests but a moment in one place in that one moment it is just so alive. A showcase of beauty ... the beauty of vastness... oh! there are no trees here.
We too are touched with the wind and my hair flies about my face as I sit so still drinking in this scene before me. You gently reach over and gather my hair holding it in a ponytail. I turn to face You. The softness in Your eyes will forever melt my very soul.
I do see Jesus I do see.
Good. You can't ask too many times you know, You can't wear out or use up your chances to see Me or hear Me express to you my love for you.
I at many times can barely grasp even the thought of that for what do I give You in return?
But that is the nature of my love it isn't requiring a response, it just is.
Yes and even my response there is out of line if I believe You are who You say You are. I am sorry.
I set aside self and I turn to face You. I have to say Jesus... I don't think my time of fasting has been hard enough. What I mean, is it seems like You are so carrying me through it, enough so that I don't feel like I am sharing in Your suffering?
But you actually do not see all that I am doing either.
Oh.
Remember the layer thing. For instance how many times in your life have you actually taken any real time thinking about the physical needs of your body and not depending upon yourself to take care of it? Have you even really considered that if you didn't have, that I would or could sustain you... physically? And what does that realization mean to the rest of your life? What does that knowledge shift in other things? What does that mean to the extent to which you are willing to surrender to me? Or for that matter even realize what you can surrender to Me?
So Jesus I have a thought now... what if I upped the ante? Because when I look at it now I see that my broth for lunch was also me hedging bets and I see that while I am dancing with the thoughts that You can sustain me in the absence of an actual physical need I also see how my brain will try to steal from that revelation... like when I couldn't run faster but was markedly slower I justified it like I was defending that You logically wouldn't keep me physically in regular condition that slowly my strength would drain (logically) as I fasted... I think that was an error. I don't need to defend You first off but I believe You could bring someone through whatever in perfect physical form if that was Your purpose. Is it mine? In a way yes I believe so why? Because You are showing me the error in my rash thoughts. And because I think You are inviting me into more.
You kiss me.
Open your eyes... I am still here lol.
Your face shines with joy and delight... love really. And I respond, my heart in a state of awe... I am much too far away! I climb onto Your lap sitting sideways and hugging You with all my strength. Your arms hold me with such protection ... authority??? I now rest my head against Your chest.
You love me.
Yes I do.
Wow.
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