Journal entry Aug 21/10

Hey Jesus.

   I think I talk a bit too much lol... which is so funny, cause I don't share only to then run on without thinking, huh. But I want to think now because I have left a few unfinished conversations and perhaps will have the opportunity to talk about them later.

   I am at the end of a summer that has been so filled with the undeniable presence of You (Jesus) carrying me as You helped me set my emotions aside be filled with the desire to be there for my family as we handled the dying and then death of my Dad. There were moments I literally felt You at my side all day and with such clarity that I was left in a state of humble adoration of You and Your merciful love by the end of the day. Bizarrely and immediately afterwards I have had weeks where I got caught up in the mechanics of living, taking care of business and becoming a bit too wrapped up in myself, forgetting to meet with You. Hating where I was You rescued me and wooed me back into Your arms. (Thankful for prayers of the saints around me) You gave me excitment for Yourself and a desire to share this with others when I know through and through it was not me on any level but again just You mercifully moving within my soul. I have had a time when I thought... hang on, I need to think about me... and experiencing even surfacely the danger of teetering on this edge of self absorbtion. Of course, to increase the danger, couple that with having a time of self condemnation and doubt when I heard a negative observation about a ministry that I was leading.

   Jesus, I have heard that You talked to Marg and then she waited 15 years for the fulfillment of Your Word to her. I read about Your nation trainwrecking with a horrible leader and they are called out by Your Word but then they seem to go on unscathed for 7 years before Your judgement is met out. I read, this morning, about the rash word of Jephthah, whose vow ended the life of his own daughter.  Finally, I read about the humble and deep faith of a centurion who asked for Jesus help yet did not insist on seeing Him or even having come into his home to touch his servant but said (in my own words) You are a Holy Man with such great authority just speak it and it will be done I am not worthy of Your presence in my own home.
    I personally have flirted with being overly 'self' concerned BUT luckily I spoke it out first to You... and You said... "Why are you worried about You? Isn't that my job? If I am taking care of you can you trust me to carry you emotionally too?" When I sought out counsel about my own emotions and grief... Marge's first words were, "aren't we suppose to go to You (Jesus) immediately?" A warning, really, came through Glenn in the words "to think that we need to take care of ourselves (emotionally) cause we feel it needs to be done ... can be a dreadful mistake for it prolongs and turns us down sideroads that do not need to be travelled and causes more stress." Then, finally, You added the brilliant testimony of Tammy... her story declaring the necessity for a dicipline of hanging onto what is true and right and Holy (amidst deep spiritual and physical battles.) To become consumed with You alone and to feel that everything else surrounding us is just that ... second to You... not getting caught up in the crap of life emotionally, humanly, etc because we just need to concern ourselves with You (Jesus) and being obedient to You... staying and living in Your light of truth.

   All of that to say... I think there is a bigger picture in what I flirted with. One of my first thoughts is that this is a lesson in something we need to pray over within our church body. As we grow (in numbers or just inside) we are different and beautifully diverse children that think, see, and have differing perspectives. When in our ministries and walks we come up against a differing opinion we do not need to spiral into a mode of self condemnation nor a stance of defence. Realistically this is a common response we gravitate too and because it can easily cause divisions and distractions to what is really going on I sincerely believe that we need to cover our body with the prayers against this kind of fog that can become a very effective attack. To go back to You (Jesus) immediately and recheck are we following Your leading broadly and specifically? Are we straying slightly? Are we being challenged to a new level? Or do we need, for now, to note this comment or opinion and stay open to see if You (Jesus) are speaking it through others so that You are not just moving us individually in a new or specific way but are wanting the body to come along with us in the direction.

   (To the body of Christ) We can trust Jesus with it all. We can trust Him to carry us through even the deepest and seemingly hardest emotional struggles. In trusting Him we need to give Him the situation and doggedly hang onto obedience to Him alone and staying in His light, His Holiness, His truth. Let us not jump ahead of Him let us be sensitive ourselves and for those around us for the flags of warning... (fruit of the roots of bitterness... anxiety, stress, anger, pulling away) Let us not travel down hard roads that are not necessary. (And even if some of us choose to go down those roads and thus as a body we are brought along with them... let us be consciously bringing Jesus along to be light and truth and protection) Let us not be rash, whether in our desire to serve Him or to take care of business expeidently and make decisions or vows that make sense to our own thinking and desires. But instead let us listen and wait upon Him, Jesus... the author and perfector of our faith and if He speaks and then asks us to wait 15 years for the fullfillment of it then let us wait but with expectation and not letting that word fall away. Let us hang on to every word that He so mercifully and lovingly speaks to us. But I am not yet done... let us be humble like the centurion desiring the touch of Jesus being so confident of His reality and ability and letting Him move as He desires not as we insist or think it must be. Let us ask and trust and KNOW our God, our Jesus ... being so taken with Him that we cannot help but be humbled in awe of who He continues to reveal Himself to be.

I believe that, realistically, to live like this there is no other way than to be putting on our spiritual armor by prayer over and over... let our intercessors pray for our protection and single focus on God and His truth, His desires, His heart... that our relationship with Him be so deepened that our kneejerk reaction in any and all situations is to go immediately to Him. Submitting over and over again our lives, our souls, our hearts, our minds to Him alone. That we be consumed with loving our God that constantly awes and amazes us in how intimately His loves us and desires us.

WE battle not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Open my eyes that I may see open my ears that I may hear (and turn and be healed.)

Journal entry Aug 19/10

   Hey Jesus this is a bad day after all. Not in events, just inside. I hate that I feel the all too familiar human struggles. I want to focus on myself, I want someone to understand, I want, I want, I want. I hate that. I hate that I am hurt by another's judgement and their decision because of it. I hate that I take that so personally and feel once again not worthy of the task. I hate that I feel beaten and want to give up on some levels. I hate that when I am overwhelmed it makes me want to swear. I hate that when I feel beaten down about what I am doing in our ministry that I drudge up all the dreams and wishes I have and feel so very far away from the goal. Then I say, without fail... what am I doing?


   Jesus I need to be where You are so desperately.

   Lies are just that... lies. I don't need to be hospitable and entertain them. "Who I am is not just myself." If I look at You I see well ya... that makes sense. Your Father was so who You were. You shut down Yourself to listen and obey Your Dad. You put Yourself to death so that all You held important was Your Father and His heart. When I look within it's just not that easy. I see times where You help me step back enough that I feel and know it is You coming through. Sadly, however, I often find I am staring at myself and wondering how the heck did I get in the way AGAIN! I will ask this question once again... so why? Why do I have the struggles and emotions I do? Can I not just acknowledge it is just me and let that lie down and let You flood my soul and take over? Wow, that brings the other thought to me ... I miss being You. I know how close we are by how I treat the strangers around me. Am I smiling and caring about all I meet? Am I, without thought, reaching out with a wave or touch? There is a lightness or freedom and just desire to love when I am filled with You. I miss that. So why can't I just decide to let the issues that prevent that to not matter and get back into Your arms? I know I asked this, sort of, last night but again I just am wondering; am I allowed to go and selfishly soak in my emotions? I just went back and reread my last journal... hmmm. I need to hear Your words. I need to quit insisting that I be allowed to do this right now. I will put them all back into Your hands and trust that You will take care of me emotionally too.

Journal entry Aug 19/10

   Jesus I am here.

   So when I read the second chapter of the book where the guy gets to go to heaven, I had a very strong reaction to it. As much as I would love to see everyone there... I want to see You first. And not with a crowd around; just us. Now I realize that this is just my wanting and You will have everything just right.  I just really wanted to tell You that.

   Jesus You are being so very merciful to me this week again... I know I am way overtired and yet I am knowing that You are near I am feeling excitement for You.... and I am doing ok most of the time.

Almost becoming unglued.... Journal entry Aug 18/10

   Okay Jesus the words are just not coming. I have to just spill out my incomplete and rambling thoughts cause I want to be here with You more than I want everything else. I think I know why I keep wanting to go back to that movie. Instead of making the time to sit and write I just want to keep reexperiencing what I believe I learned from You in this. I just want to see and then feel this intensity. Why this movie seems to have it in spades for me I don't know.  The thought that just came to me was... but what about the time spent with You when we are loving someone, praying and being there with them or for them? Am I being so selfish? With my desire to feel? Am I missing out on ministry time with You? Hmmm I need to get back into Your word I know. I want to get back to soaking time with You. I want to ride my horse as far as I can with no plan or limits. I want to be alone. I want to just have a day to talk about my feelings and experiences and wonderings. I want to not miss chances to love my children. I know You are getting me through this busy time and I really am thankful. I am wanting to connect thoughts with others about our church. I want to talk about what You are doing in each of our lives. I want to inspire others to love and get excited about You. I want to journal and share my life on my blog. I want to make wise decisions. I want to be loved. Hang on.....hmmm. There's one that needs to be looked at doesn't it? What is that about? Is it a love that I want in the here and now by others around me? It can be dangerous to want this, I think, because it can skew what I do, what I say, what I feel, how I react.  If I am content to be completely loved by You then it all snaps back into place. I am no longer motivated by anything else ... no agendas, no scheming, to do and get back what I desire or think I need.


   Jesus I exhaust myself. lol. Wanna hang out?
 
   I see us sitting on a pier swinging our feet and splashing the water with our toes. I then get up and lie down on my stomach instead so I can rest my head on my hands and look over the edge and into the water. There is just so much moving and swirling in the deep dark colors of the water. I turn my head and look at You. You are watching me. I just want to know how to feel Jesus. Why? Well do I miss some understanding if I don't? Or is there too great a danger of it being all about me if I do feel? Why are you worried about you? Isn't that My job? If I am taking care of you; can you trust me to carry you emotionally too? Perhaps the absence of expected emotion is a gift I am giving you right now for a bigger purpose than you realize. How do I live in contentment yet always wanting more? By dying to yourself and living in Me. Yes. Why would I ask to have more on my plate than is there at any given moment by You?

Journal entry Aug 6/10

   Morning Jesus.  What a beautiful day; I came in from my shop even though it wasn't coffee time yet. Jesus I just want to say thank You again. I had a chance to share a bit with Ray last night and I am so grateful for what You have done and are doing with me. I love You so much.


   Where are we? Okay, good... I was just checking :) I am content to remain with You forever. Badly worded... I desperately want to remain in Your arms forever. :) There are some wonderings I have... Why did Tyrah ask me that question in the exact words that Chantal used so long ago? Why don't you ever share? (in I Cor. 14 time) What am I to share? I will... tune my ears into what You'd have me share. Let me know and catch it. I love You.

   Oh I think I need to write down my dream last night... it was my Dad. I was with him in his hospital bed but he was much more coherent and I tried to tell him that I was there and loved him and I remember him holding my hand.  My mom came in and she was watching me at the end of the bed and asked if I was awake. I realized I wasn't so I woke up (although not really).  We were still there with Dad and we talked and remembered stuff (but I know some of it wasn't real).

   I remember waking up (for real this time) and thinking that because You have washed some of the distractions off me that I was able to have another dream about my Dad. Some more feelings I guess. The last dream I had of him was such a heart breaker but good one at the same time. I remember just sobbing because I didn't have a chance to really say goodbye and I was given the chance to be wrapped up in his arms (he was very healthy) and cry out my hurt and tell him I loved him. Then I didn't have anymore Dad dreams so I wondered if I ever would again. Hmmm.

   I am at the tail end of the day and so very much in love with You Jesus that several times today I just couldn't contain all that I felt. It felt really good. It was so, so good to laugh with Rick too. Well I think I will work on the worship set so what do You want to say with it?

"Hey now this is my desire...

consume me like a fire...

cause I just want

something beautiful

to touch me.."

need to breathe

'something beautiful'

Still in the ocean with Jesus

Journal entry... Aug 5/10

   Morning Jesus, I don't know if we have left our ocean yet. I've been thinking, it just seems that there is so much that no one will ever understand of what happens between us; except You and I. That, in the past, has made me feel very lonely and separated but I think I don't need to. I think the hardest thing to describe is just that depth of passion and love and hunger for You.  In the same breath, however, I don't think I will stop sharing those feelings and experiences I have with You for whether anyone understands or not; who knows what You want to use out of it all. While working in my shop this morning I felt something very exciting... while thinking of You I had that "I can't believe You're in love with me and I for You" realization.  When it hit me I physically felt flip flops in my stomach and that tightness in my chest.


   So are we still here? My first reaction is that yes we must be because of how I feel for You. You have taken me away from everything but You and have been stripping off the marks of the world. For instance, when I thought of what usually is a trigger for anger and resentment I instead thought of peace, forgiveness and a desire to set things right.  When someone didn't understand what I shared.. I wasn't crushed. Hmmm. I will die for You Jesus every day. My hearts aches so.... for You. 

   Well I guess I'll go back to my work I just wanted to check in with You. Hang on.. is there anything You want to say to me? I have been rambling alot lol. Look at Me Tam... look at Me and know Me. Know Me and My love for you. Feel it and hang onto Me. I am crazy about you... I have plans for us. I love You. Give what I give you to all those around you... like in a ridiculously abundant way cause you can't possibly out give what I give lol. Oh we are so still in this ocean! The honor of being in a place just solely with You.  To feel like all Your attention is just on me is crazily mind blowing. Yah I get what You are saying to me. I feel it inside and I think I understand what the words mean where the well will never run dry and that there is no need to thirst You are right here amongst us. Holy, Holy, Holy. Thank You Jesus over and over. I know You love us all in this crazy intimate way and that it is expressed so wildly in so many ways.  The beauty of Your creative ways to reach us are inconceivable really and oh so breathtaking in their beauty as they come together as You have designed. You are my God, You are my King, You are my Love. Holy, Holy, Holy.

Journal entry August 4/10

     Here I am again a new day and I know how crazily I miss and need to meet with You.  Here I am Jesus,  all filled up with life and emotion.  Even though I have a list of things I wish to do and accomplish, all I really want is to be with You.  By Your side is where I belong... and is all that really matters.  I don't think I'll ever fathom how I can have a week where I feel You right here all the time and then have two where I don't take the time to meet with You and I lose that sweet, intimate connection with You.

     I know I am here and I want You to come find me.  I stand before the ocean that is roaring in might and power.  The water, as it touches my feet, is cold and shocking yet the air around me is warm and heavy with humidity.  The wind whips at my hair.  I close my eyes and know that my tears are so close... as I yearn for Your presence.  You are out in the waves and looking right at me when I open my eyes.  I start into the water's cold and the waves pull makes my walking hard but I cannot go anywhere else but to You.  I start to cry because You feel so far away and it's taking too long to get to You.  But You don't leave me there... I am pulled into Your arms as we dive together beneath the water's surface.  The fury of the surface waves are all of a sudden forgotten and I know I am safe.  You are now everything to me... oxygen, life, existence... how do I hang onto this?  Be in it here...   We are slicing through the water so fast and without the slightest resistance.  I just hang onto You.  I almost come to a complete place of rest being here with You as we move... I barely notice anything but You and the fact that I am hanging onto You.  I think I need to be here awhile.  You have brought me into a place with no distraction.

    I have passed through almost half the daytime and one thing is very clear... I need to to stay here with You longer.  My thoughts, at times, get muddled and start going down rabbit trails but there is still a distinct knowing that we are still together under the waves... I in Your arms.  This is right where I need to be; still.  I love You Jesus, I love You.

   Now the day is almost at a close and I have been in Your arms all day.  I don't know when I'll be able to leave here.  I was thinking in my shop;  it is so obvious that I need this time of being with You.  So then, how is it that I don't do this way more often, even out of complete and desperate need?  In a moment today I understood that here is where things are washed away.  Clearing up my vision, letting clouds dissipate that have been obstructing my sight.  And I know what happens hand in hand with that action... I am filled with what Your heart is, the aches and desires to pour out love.  Jesus.  Jesus.  Jesus.  There are so many reasons I love to say Your Name...

Dear Reader... I am continuing with posting my summer journals.  Hey Jesus, I cannot retype these without saying again... thank You with all my soul for loving me through this season. 

Journal entry, Aug 3/10
    Hi Jesus, I see my self absorbed ways again today and it was when I took time to see them that I finally made my first good choice of the day.  I spent a few moments picking raspberries with Bailey.  How easy was that?  Way.
    So I haven't had any dreams about my Dad lately, was the last hug dream the final one? 
    I asked You to show up today and You did.  While working in my shop I felt a cool breeze come through and I looked up and out the open doors.  There You were... in the rain pouring down.  I went and stood in the open doorway and felt the fine and gentle mist of the rain as the wind blew it around and off my shop roof.  You make me smile. 

Part 4  The Body Revelation

   Jesus I got very excited last night but couldn't get up and write down my thoughts.  Could You speak them to me again? 
   I was thinking about how we are to love each other... and the curiosity of my last lesson. Where I needed to (and You wanted me to) come to You first with my heart, well it made me wonder.  What then is the purpose of the body? (I know, extremist)  BUT... when we go to You first, and are loved so completely and perfectly by You, we are filled by not only a knowledge of who You are and what You desire but it fills us up enough that it then spills over to those around us.  Which leads me back again that the most important thing we ever do is to KNOW You.  To constantly deepen and work on our relationship.  The only real loving is when You love through us... so to constantly experience You in relationship, we then know how to respond and love those around us.  On our own we are afraid and unsure of what to say but taking You into it releases that need to perform well and we can just be real.  It isn't always to have a wise word, sometimes, it is to listen, to be trustworthy, to be faithful or to share emotion of a situation.  The 'agenda' or selfish motive is laid down in this kind of loving because it isn't out of ourselves that this powerful exchange happens.  It is only through us.
   Let me go back to one of the first thoughts... to be loved by You gives us what it is to be complete. To not have a void, to be content within.  We no longer need that love from the world around us here instead we long to spill it out onto the world. Which brings me back to Your words.. "I did not come to be served but to serve and give my life as a ransom for many"... it's true. 
   So what does the body do?  It gives us a group that is connected through Him the Head.  In this group we are safe to grow, learn and experience what He is saying to us, what He is trying to teach us, where He is trying to take us.  He sets us up as a body, that is meant to be so interconnected in order to function properly. (what a very beautiful way to express our complete dependence upon Him... this is His work and life we are living out, not our own)  When functioning properly all things are connected to the Head... when we hurt, when we struggle, we are surrounded by a people that will faithfully take us back to Jesus' presence.  Reminding us that He is the first place we must be THEN we SHARE the experience.  The diversity in which God will call us to serve that hurting member is unfathomable and unbelievably powerful YET we will not know how unless we remain so rooted and connected  to the Head so He can pour out love through us in whatever form.  While we serve, we are also being served, in the sense that, someone else is allowing us to connect again to Jesus through an experience we would never know outside of ourselves.  That is a deep loving act.  The more of these shared acts of connection with the HEAD we experience, the more willing we are to let go of ourselves.  Letting the old man fall away that calls for action that is never a failure, that calls for recognition, that calls for acceptance, that calls for a continually working up of status above others.  The more we let go of ourselves and become consumed with Jesus; loving and serving Him by loving and serving those around us, the more REAL we become the more CHRISTLIKE we become.  With that  (in the world's eyes) a definite power  (that is frighteningly undeniable) will be manifest because it is the presence of Jesus Himself.  "And they noted that they had been with Jesus"  When a body becomes alive, it has a power and displays a learning  that no individual can ever relate.  A deeply connected person, that walks with Jesus and does His will, is undeniably and incredibly used by God BUT when the world looks at him/her something can easily happen.  We put them on that, impossible to reach, pedestal that no normal mortal can ever reach.  If a whole body of Christ (filled with normal mortals) together is so full of the presence of Christ, it is something different again.  That group is never exclusive, if we are real we are constantly aware of our community and surroundings as well and are reaching out with Jesus' heart to touch them and love them and serve them.  When it's real, they are pulled in too. 

Part III  A Call

   Hi Jesus... I cannot help but feel You so close right now.  The yearning to speak and be with You is so strong that it's almost like my soul is speaking and connecting with You before my physical body stops doing the day to day and sits and acknowledges.  Curiously, life doesn't stop around me and I still am interacting with it... amazingly tonight it is to enjoy my kids here and there... what a treat. 
   But I am here now, again.  Need to Breathe is playing the Garden and they definitely touch me with their music, singing it from within.  You can hear it without sight and you can see it as you watch them. 
   I would love to visit about deep things.  I have to admit after talking to Mr. B I wonder what Your voice sounds like.  Oh and that moment last night, while KC and I were riding, was freaky cool.  There I was riding along, pretty much in silence, and wondering what Your face would look like while gazing up into the clouds.  Everything was there... deep and dark storm clouds that were pierced in between with the brilliant bright blue of clear skies.  Red clouds of the sun setting and some clouds that were so deep and in layer after layer.  So here I am gazing up when all of a sudden I realize Your face could be the whole sky.  It shocked  and scared me in that split second... in the face of a HOLY GOD who am I way.  It was a clear enough thought that it physically made me look from side to side to take in more than what my gaze could... Jesus I love You.  Real bad.  I wonder if there is any way I can love You fully while I am here on earth?  Huh, that has got me thinking.
   Doing everything for You... in love for You and of You. 
(Dearest Reader... take a moment if you will and pray that you will feel what the Spirit wants you to know with that one... perhaps a call to a deeper level?)
   This connects back to my Brother Lawrence experience that, as of late, I have let go of but long to get back to.  Now even more so...  Jesus I have missed You. 
   I am sitting on our boulder still lit up by the setting sun.  I wrap my arms around my legs and look into Your face.  You laugh with delight and amusement.  I see You Jesus, I see You.  And I see you  Tam.  I know.  Jesus did I do any damage when I talked with my friend?  Go.  Go and be excited with her about Me.  You have wanted to since you left, so do it.  Can You deepen my understanding about what was shared about the church?  The 5 percent?  Overall I don't like labelling but it gets a point across which I am okay with.  Really, if we get living in You... like really being You; I suppose it may be a small percent but I don't think that is how You made us... we are content with, or settle for, far too little.  And before I lose this thought completely I want to connect to the phrase... We need to know who (whose) we are.

The second part came as I wrote a letter to a friend.

Part II  Wounding and Sharing

   I just wanted to let you know I really appreciated the text this morning... couldn't reply, however, it was crazy busy.  I just reread it and it struck me differently and I kind of wish I would have reread it earlier but perhaps that was for a reason too... lol.  At church this morning a man and his wife came, he was raised in the area and he spoke with great firmness.  I thought it was interesting because ever since the board meeting I am purposefully trying to notice a bigger picture of who comes and goes and what messages are coming through them.  I guess this was of special note for me because he was speaking for the native people.
   Jeff spoke well, he thinks he overloaded everyone but I don't think so.  It was just a sermon you should go home and chew on for a bit I figure.  It was interestingly timed, however, because of what I shared with my worship team the night before.  I was telling them that there was a time this last week that when I was in a sad place, I had reached out to someone for comfort and help and didn't get it.  The result was, I literally felt a wall go up around my heart and a "fine I will never do that again" ringing in my ears.  It was awful.  I knew it wasn't good for so many reasons.  Now even in that moment I knew that Jesus was wanting me to come to Him instead of anyone else and most likely had this happen to 'force' lol... or strongly steer me to Him instead.  There is reason that He wanted me to come to Him first and I can even guess what some of them are without asking Him YET even with that reasoning I could not shake the wall.  Then, this links for me, to my understanding and learning about the body... oh wow does this cause questions.  Without taking the lid off that pot, I will say that I asked for payer that the wall would be removed.  Oh and I also did a bit of wondering about how I take my hurts, anger and frustration to Jesus alone to deal with instead of letting it spew out on the individuals around me.  I believe Jesus is slowly taking me to a perspective or understanding on that one.  On my way to church my cousin texts me a scripture verse from Phil 4:4-9. I didn't look it up till the sermon but the one thing that jumped out was that HE would guard my heart and mind.  (Very significant to me right now!!) 
   So part of Jeff's sermon was the damage and disease in our lives and how it's roots are often in fear or anxiety, stress and unforgiveness etc... Interestingly, it seemed to really speak to what I had shared the night before HOWEVER... it has got me thinking again because I don't know if it really spoke entirely to my specific situation after all.  Yes on some levels but there's more.  The shutting down I felt was not an anger at that person per say.  I didn't really feel they owed me an apology or anything, I was disappointed because I expected or wanted more than they ultimately were asked by Jesus to give.  This has got me wondering, here I am thinking that we as a body need to be willing to be open and vulnerable with one another so we really can connect and see how Jesus works in and amongst us through all things.  That open and honest sharing often bonds us together in a way that carries us through the surface family squabbles and dryer times.  But here I am realizing that Jesus wanted me to go to Him first because that is my deepest relationship to continually cultivate, experience, confirm etc AND unfortunately I take with me a battle scar of withdrawal to get me there both emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  (yes I take some serious lessons from Him to really  get things... yikes) Now I sit here thinking, for others that would also be a very important thing.  Everyone needs to be reminded and at times helped to go to Jesus first with all things THEN He seems to rain out the messages and ministry through His hands and feet (the body) to bind up, encourage, speak truth or confirmation of it.  (and we can receive it then knowing it is Jesus speaking and touching)  I see the extreme value in this because all of a sudden, we humans, are not placing ourselves in a potentially dangerous position of attaching ourselves to another thus giving them the place that Christ alone should occupy.  However, I also don't think that we are inactive in this time.  As a body we should be available to those around us, to pray them into Jesus' presence, to go with them, covering them with prayer so they are able to hear Jesus' words while in the midst of their wounds or struggles.  Now I can also speak as the wounded.  I should go to others not expecting them to understand the depth of my wounds and hurts but to ask them to cover me and speak over me to see Jesus alone.  To know that what I feel is real but His perspective has a greater power to set free or turn the tables to healing or a beautiful ministry coming out of this time.  I don't need others to completely undestand all of my pain to do this... and after Jesus is present in it again He seems to release what to share somehow.  And then in that kind of sharing it could encourage and speak perhaps to others that hurt or struggle and God's touch is again released further out and with power.

Dear Reader,
    Before I leave my journal entries from July, 2010.  I have four ramblings that are connected in my trying to understand dependence upon God and the role of the body of Christ.  How emotion like hurt and wounding can pull us away or draw us in.  As well as learning to die so we can really love, with His love.  I have left them till now as it was over the course of this month that many experiences and learning's came and went that took me on this path of asking questions and wanting to grasp a deeper understanding.  Interested?  Come with me then....

PART I   Questions about Dependence

   Jesus... there is alot on my mind this morning.  I make decisions that I don't know have any sense behind them at times.  Huh.  But regardless of these times it still serves to highlight what is right and Holy and good.  For in the presence of You, things come into sharper focus and the freedom of release is so obviously felt.       
   Before I lose my thoughts I will quickly put down my first question... the curious connection between the individuals relationship with You and the relationship of Your body and Yourself.  When is that interdependence required and when does the necessity for that to fall back so that we, individually, depend on You alone?  I also want to ask You about emotions.  I have seen them take over and have a power that is inappropriate in the light of You.  So what do I do in those times?  I don't think it is wrong to feel so deeply about things but to not be able to have that door open to receive Your perspective alongside it would steal the deeper purpose out of it, I think.  I experienced a day and a half of being nearly constantly in tears especially in the presence of any touch of kindness, and yet, when I asked for prayer I was released from it.  Now were those tears selfish?  Not entirely but yes, alot of them.  To receive such a release from it also speaks to me that there is something I need to realize. Could my openness to Your presence and perspective smother the selfishness out of my pain and bring out more clearly the purpose and beauty (and perhaps opportunity) that You can work out of it?  If I was able to experience deep sorrow and have Your perspective, would I not be filled at the same time with Your crazy thick love for those around me?  In that last day, I was hurting not only for myself but for all those that hurt.  I wanted someone to understand and feel for me (now I realize that is selfish) but I also felt that same desire for all those around me that carried hurt. That they would be seen and heard and understood.  In this case however, not only did I not find that... even when I asked for it I didn't get it.  As soon as that happened I threw up a wall..." well! I will never ask for that again."  In fact I felt it so strongly that I spoke it aloud.  Now this is when I wondered anew about the interdependence of the body.  It was like You were saying to me "I want you to come to Me for this and not go to someone else"... I understand this on the surface... I get that there are things we need to take to You alone and not through the feet and hands of others because You alone want us to experience what it is to be ministered to by You.  We need that base for our (Jesus and myself) deep intimacy.  So that we KNOW You and recognize You in the world and in others.  However this swings back to my first question... I didn't go to You alone first and in reaching out to another for comfort and not getting what I wanted I walled myself off more... In that hurt I determined to never ask again.  So how do I do this?  How do I know when to reach out and when to just keep it between us?  How do I expect others in their hurts and pain to share them with the body when I hesitate to do it myself?  Or wonder if they should be going to You first and then to the body?  What order do You desire for us to take here?  I am needing to hear You Holy Spirit... whisper Your wisdom to me I pray. 
   At our church board meeting a lady that normally isn't there came and spoke out of Your Spirit and did a good shaking up.  She lit up some questions and thoughts that we need to consider as a body.  I'm going to put a statement out there that may seem horrible.... but I think we have mistakenly been seeking the wrong thing from the Church for way too long.  We go in wondering what it is the Church will do for us.  I think this is wrong.  I don't think I necessarily have the words to explain it but we need to actually see what we are and whose we are.  There are no 'thoroughbreds' of Christianity.  We are all children... we are children of grace and mercy.  We can no better stand than the next person... we are all equally dependent upon Jesus for our existence, our faith.  And , as I think I am coming to see, within the context of the body we are also equally dependent upon each member to know what being Christ's body really is.  What it is designed to be, look like and how to function within Your will, desire and passion for us.  Hence I am now stuck at that thought again. 
   I have to pop another question in here... why am I not speaking up in church.. Why do I not know if I should?  It feels like there is just so much more inside me (letting You be alive in me) that isn't getting out and I want to set that free.  I want to die Jesus so that You can really live in my life.  I want to give up those rights and desires I seem to hang onto with a death grip.  Jesus have my heart and soul and mind I want my every action to be for You and due You... I see that I have fallen far from that lately.  Crazy.  I hate that.  I am so sorry Jesus please take me back into Your arms.  Take my face in your hands and hold my gaze.  Cleanse me within and let it all fall away... 
I am crazy about You...
Take me back Jesus.
Broken.... Tam.

later that day....
Yah I'm still here... not doing much today except bumping around.  Huh.  Thinking.  I have to laugh though (sadly).  Within the course of one day, I go from being lost, to being found, to losing my grip and then holding on one more time.  I will take this moment of perspective to talk with You.  What do I say in my weak lost moments?  Cut them off in Your name?  Or remember to ask for Your perspective through it?  I seem to live on a slippery slope.  ...

My two journal entries from July 30/10

Hi Jesus, I just got in for lunch and want to talk some more... or hang out; whatever the case may be.  You are crazily magnetic!  Hahahaha.... love it.

I am back , it is still today.  There seems to be alot of emotion bouncing around today but I have to say I am counting my blessings.  I got an amazing ride in, I got some work done... in the shop and in the house, spent time with Bailey on a puzzle and have a lasagne in the over ... that's great!  To boot it almost looks like some weather is coming in... I can't wait for another rain.  It's just like hearing You nearby.  I love it.  I know that this will always and forever be significant for this summer.  A memory, a lesson and a blessing. Thank You.

Journal entry July 29/10
Morning Jesus, I am just about to go out to work and I needed to check in with You.  The last two nights I have had dreams about people giving their condolences over my Dad and after a while it wakes me up and I have a hard time going back to sleep .. I seem to go over and over it. 

Wanna go for a walk? 

We walk through a field and pasture.  As we walk we take turns pointing out little and big things, enjoying all that is around us.  This makes us both smile.  We get to the top of a hill and we sit cross legged facing one another. The panoramic view from this hill is quite breathtaking but not even comparable to Your face... Your eyes.  I have nothing Jesus.  I have nothing.  While I sit here looking into Your eyes I believe I see something...  it's so many faces.  Some laughing, some crying, some serious, some asleep... and me.  Wow.  The myriad of faces keep scrolling by from all extremes and all those in the middle.  From every nation, time, and place. 

a song is playing telling of You in the garden...

Won't You take this cup from me
'Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray You'll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to You
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be Your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after You

In this hour of doubt I see
But who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale
        -needtobreathe-

So it is now hours after and I am still thinking about You and all those people in your eyes. 
I feel better inside today... more looking towards You and being able to not be ruled by emotion. 
Thank You for that. 
Jesus I love You.

The importance of being

Comments on July 28/10 journal entry...

So I came back to write down my reason for posting yesterday... I remember thinking after writing ... am I staying in the want and eagerly wanting more but not moving on to the receiving .  There is, however, something else I need to realize too. That I can feel that deep hunger for God but I don't always need Him in the way I think it should be.  Let me explain... Yesterday I journalled my want for a word or explanation from Him.  We live wanting answers to questions and to receive direction or gain understanding in our times talking to God.  But sometimes... even oftentimes ... I think Jesus just wants us to be with Him.  Soaking Him up with no demands at all.  To see where He will take things or will reveal in just that time of being together.  Being satisfied to just sit with Him reminds us to lay down ourselves at His feet, all of who we are, and look at Him and enjoy the crazy deep love He has for us.  During these moments things can become much clearer.  Maybe our figuring out isn't as important as we feel it is;  perhaps living in His presence, guided constantly by Him, in trust and obedience is what leads to real living.

Journal entry July 28/10

Jesus I haven't been here in so long it feels like a long week and a half. 
I got something else this morning... previously you had given me a picture of relationship and the depth of it through a movie but I knew when I went to look for that 'face' of it again most likely it would be different.  I assume so as not to latch onto something fixed and thus stifle the growth and reality of the relationship.  However we are often afraid to give up that one moment because it sunk in so deep and to step further in and away from that moment or 'face' creates the fear that we may lose it all.  But reality, Your reality, declares that if we are to stay in that moment we tragically lose what we are trying so hard to hang onto.  We need to have eyes that see and hearts open to receive. Then with faith and trust in You, to keep walking deeper and deeper and often away from what we know and into You.  I want that kind of relationship that I am always looking for You and how You speak... I will never forget those moments of connection but I don't want to be stuck in them either.  In the same way I am learning about the truth of the body... I see that You are way too diverse and creative and faceted to be boxed.  Seeing a coming together and unity in all those ways brings a beauty of such incomparable awe that we would indeed be fools to live content with only our own sight and view. 
   So this last week away from You I missed the intense tangible presence of You like I felt the week before.  Yet.  I knew You were there and again I am reminded that we do not always 'feel.'  Now my question to You is ... does it have to be that way? Did my lack of journalling make me drift away from You in some way?  Even if the state of my physical world is turbulent can I somehow keep that insane deep connection with You through it all?  Even if I had no hands could we have what we seem to have when we talk like this?  Did Brother Lawrence live constantly in the sway of passionate love for You?  It sounds like he did.  I want that. 
Let's meet?
   I feel like we are on a mountain top and looking down miles and miles.  Everything seems so far away.  I think You are holding me here because I don't think I am touching the ground.  It is not sunny and striking... it is overcast and a dullness settles on the view before me.  I am looking for You, I want to see You.  I know what I want but do You want me to see something first?  I look from side to side. The ranges and valleys go on as far as my eyes can see... the breeze is cool, not comfortable.  Do You have words for me Jesus?  Words that I need to speak?  I don't hear Your answer but I strain too, Jesus, I am not sure what I am seeing could I see it through Your eyes instead?  I know that there are glints of gold throughout this landscape but I cannot see them.  Are they Your people?  Why am I on a mountain top?  To gain perspective?  To receive a message for them, for us?  I do not need to be afraid.  You are here.  Yet I almost frantically seek out Your voice.  Why am I deaf? 
   I lay down my questions and realize they have grown from a wee stone to a tall rock pile ... I kind of laugh at myself and give them a push.  They tumble down and spread out losing their height and power.  Ha.  I close my eyes and try to just sense Your presence... it takes awhile but You grow clearer and closer the longer I stand here.  If feel You against my shoulder and my heart soars. You actually come around in front of me.  Holding my shoulders yet at the same time You grow huge as if You are becoming the whole sky.  I see Your face smiling and holding my gaze while I also see the sky and mountains, trees, rocks and valleys too.  You look so happy as our eyes remain locked.  In this moment I choose to let go of reasoning and fact and understanding in my own strength I just want to look at You and be filled with joy and love. You alone make me understand and I will trust You to reveal to me at the right moment what that means.  So I look again into Your eyes and I laugh... I laugh loud and it joins with your own and echoes down the mountain.  It is filling up the valleys , the landscape till it nearly reaches us once more.  I look into Your crinkled in laughter and delight eyes and I am filled with the knowing that this is where I always want to be. 

Journal entry July 17/10
    Jesus it is funny, I was so looking forward to posting another blog of ours... but cannot due to lack of Internet.  But that's okay there would be nothing to blog if I didn't just spend time with You and that is what I am most definitely here for. 
   Wow just sitting here sipping my coffee I had a wave of that deep feeling we shared yesterday and yes, my smile came back.  I love You Jesus so so much. 
   Where shall we go today? Where do You want to take me?  Ahhh back to last night.... I cannot express adequately in words how much I enjoyed Your presence during that very stunning thunderstorm last night.  The light show was breathtaking, the thunder at times so deep and loud and long.  It made me think of You as Father, then as You and then as the Holy Spirit.  When there was much lightning without hardly any sound was when I thought of You being Father.  The magnificence, the brilliant display. It made me think along the lines of what Matt Mayer shared... we see but don't fully understand or yet know who You are yet we are so drawn in.  I then heard that sound of movement, a stirring that broke the stillness.  I strained in the darkness to know whether it was rain but no, it was the wind coming ... and it came, finally, right to my window and then the heaven's let loose.  At one point a gust of wind blew through my window and the smell that reached me was absolutely intoxicating.  It took me to the forest instantly.  Thank You for that gift.  The wind of course spoke and reminded me of Sarayu... but the sounds, the rain, the light reminded me of You, Jesus.  I think the rain this summer is so deeply enjoyable for me because it just feels like You actually being poured out upon us all.  That is is You saying... just as you feel the rain that is how real I am, that is how close I am to you.  Now I love the sun but when it came yesterday I longed to hear and feel and see You in the rain.  lol. 

Meeting Jesus in the desert

Filling in the picture of my summer ... journal entry July 18/10

Hi Jesus... this morning, was again, a time redeemed and touched by Your hand.  Thank You, I know only You could have made this happen.  You are merciful and tender indeed.  We must have that soft spot in Your heart.  :)  Whew. 
How wild was it to have Don and Dorothy come for the morning service.  And even though it wasn't a full blown potluck ... how good and appropriate it was to share a 'little'.  Irma's testimony was so moving.  I could almost feel what she spoke about... literally screaming for You when she could not breathe.  Hmmmm.

So wanna hang out?  Yah I know.  :)

Where are we?  You know, it's kind of exciting to type those all too familiar words out anymore... cause I know that You come and take me.  I am... (think about that Reader)  coming to the place where I KNOW that when I ask that He faithfully takes me to be with Him. 
   I cannot see where we are because I cannot look away from Your face.  The music that rips through my soul and emotion comes out of the depth with which I want to love You.  I want to see and feel and KNOW and return the absolute look of love that You just are and radiate constantly.  If my love can reflect any of what I see then I am so thrilled.  Jesus I love You. 
  You put Your arms around me and pull me in... in Your way.  You hold my head against Yourself and it is as if time stands still for there is no rush for anything but to just be together.  We being to dance at times together and at times apart with abandon and in the light of life and love.  With arms out wide, we spin circles and throw our heads back to laugh the deep laugh of the soul. 
  As we walk out into a desert place I hang on Your arm and cannot seem to be close enough.  The sun is setting yet it holds a heat that relentlessly radiates out.  I hardly notice, however, for I am holding the hand of a Holy and Divine God.  The shadows eventually lengthen and a coolness starts to settle in.  We climb to the top of a great hill... the rock is very warm to the touch and so beautiful in it's orange and red hues.  We sit on it's smooth peak and again look out and soak up all that is being said by what we see.  The absolute stunning display of color across the sky, the moods of rock, cactus and scrub brush slowly losing their features in the blue black of dusk.  The soft sounds of the night starting to stir... a call, a howl... and that distinct and very real sound of silence.  As the night robs our sight of what surrounds us we lay on our backs to watch the sky.  You rest Your head on Your arms and I lay my head on You.  Together, we drink in the glorious display of the heavens.  Why the desert?  Why not?  True.  Lol.  You got to share a bit about the beauty of a desert place.. and then You got to see how your comment, you felt was so clumsily delivered, bloom and become seen by others.  Yah.  that was an extremely humbling honor, for I know she is not yet out of that desert place and to have the insight and conviction while there is definitely a touch of Your presence.

Meeting Jesus up in a tree

Journal entry July 17/10

Jesus here it is afternoon already but I know I need to connect with You even for a moment or two before I go any further.  I think I heard You, just now, with Bailey... thanks.  That little walk which was only a few minutes long meant alot to both of us.  I love You so so much.  I realize I need to hear alot from You and I have alot I need to talk out too but let's meet and see where it goes? 

Up in the top of one of the ancient and towering evergreens is where we are!  We share laughter for many reasons.  When we both finally stop chuckling a silence descends upon us as we look out.  Being way up here there is a moan and whistle to the soft wind that doesn't seem to stop.  The view makes me think big and then deep.  I am sitting on a branch and You come behind me, standing on another branch and kind of look over my shoulder.  We share what we see without words.  I close my eyes and experience the rush of all I feel well up.  I am aware of so much... the air carrying wafts of warm then cool ... the sounds of nature moving , rustling and calling.  The most significant one of course is You.  I feel You against my back and Your presence is always so many things all at once.  Strength, calm, love, passion, deep truth and reality.  It makes my senses swim in awe that You are so near. 

(later in the day)  Are we still here?  hmmm. Except now we are facing one another ... deep in conversation.

whoa... how does that work?  I SEE us talking but I don't hear what is said.  LOL... oh hang on... I do get it... it's what I have been feeling and experiencing all week... we are sharing and talking all the time and I am so crazy in love with You.  :)  This conversation is what frees me to be wholly Yours... free of my own selfishness and distraction...

Dear Reader...
In looking back over my summer, that has held such significance for me, I decided to gradually post other journals to fill in just how it became such an amazing season for me. Here is a entry from the beginning of July.

Hi Jesus... it's me, of course :) How was Your day? I am so glad I got to go to bible study today after all. I needed it. And the movie really reminded me to stop moping about and live and love life again ... yesh! Where have I been? I miss You in me. I miss really living. It has been all too easy to slip into my despairing melancholy of failing at life. Perhaps I need to quit being so determined to be a success. Ha. Jesus could You give me new eyes and a new heart and a deeper passion and focus that refuses to leave Your face? Ahhh... Jesus I cannot seem to settle down.. it's been a while since I have felt like this... I miss it. I feel like I want to go a hundred directions in the desire to just love You.

So where are we? In the middle of a field. The bearded barley is tall and we can run, fall, sit, and yet, when we get up and look around it's like no one has even touched it. So we run... with abandon! It's like when you are a kid and you get to be in a school after hours and that desire to just run as fast as you can down the deserted hallways wells up... the sound of your runners squeaking on the polished hallways that are only lit by the red light from the emergency exits and an occasional open door. There is something so grand about doing it! hahahahaha. We run with our arms outstretched , laughing with that same delight! The field that seemed so green and flat slowly rises up... the color is changing too. By the time we reach the top of the hill we are surrounded by a gold that is only outdone by the sun itself. It lights to a magical color a huge boulder. We climb up and sit, washed by the rays of light streaming down upon us. We close our eyes and lift our faces to receive it's warmth, it's touch. I have been feeling so needy lately I haven't been where I need to be. Next to You. Without a look You reach over and hold my hand I grab on so grateful for Your mercy. My heart is so full of love for You. I rest on You and relish the moment of just being with You. I can picture Deb here. She walks toward us through the golden barley that is so crazy high. She gets to our boulder and reaches up her hand, with her beautiful smile beaming. We each grab a hand and hoist her up easily. She sits between us and lets out a deep sigh.

Dear Reader,
I was reminded again this morning of the importance of spending time just being with Jesus.

August 24/10
Morning Jesus... so what are You up to today? And can I come? Ha... I guess if we are still holding hands I get to follow You :)

Wanna just be together for a while?

I want to give You my all today. My heart and soul. My mind and strength.
How are You doing today Jesus? I don't think I have asked for a while... I'm sorry about that. As we sit here why don't You lay back and rest Your head on my lap. We will watch the sun rise together and I will run my fingers through Your hair and whisper my love for You. Close Your eyes if You want ... feeling gradually the seeping in of heat from the fingers of light that are piercing their way towards us. I always love contrast. The cool of morning forgotten in the touch of sunlight. The tree that is winter dead lit up in a wash of golden light and transformed into such a breathtaking sight. Most of all, when You redeem something good out of our darkness within... whether it be hurt and wounding ... or our train wrecks of decision and actions. I massage Your head and inwardly I am struck with that... 'who am I to love my God , my King?' which makes this an even bigger honor. You reach up... taking one of my hands in Yours. Your eyes are still closed but You smile as You hold on and rest our hands on Your chest. I love You Jesus, I love You. I am very aware of Your breathing... the rising and falling of Your chest. I feel so very close to You.

Dear Reader... this is a journal entry from way back, on the 10th of November. There are a few reasons I want to post this. I heard an echo of this in my journal this morning and it reinforced to me the need for taking time just to be with Jesus without an agenda.

Hey Jesus, I know I have taken a long time to come to You. I am not sure why since I've been talking to You so much during the days. But I have been frozen too... the reaction of being overwhelmed when I am not sure why. I am not sure that I am. The overload may be more so, that I know You are showing me something that feels like it has ALOT of weight and significance, and with that first 'ahhh' I'm almost scared to look because I know it is going to be a flood???? (insecure?)
I am also a little curious... yesterday I was looking at what I have been doing for a while now. I have been literally crying out to be with You all day. The hunger for You is heavy in my chest... I literally ache for wanting You. Okay. So I was thinking... what of that? Is that You? I mean, I know I am to want You and desire to be spending all my time with You... but am I also receiving You as You want me to? You know what I mean? Of course You do, lol! Yes, crying out is good but what am I to do with that? Is this time showing me the depth of my need for You?

Jesus I am back, and although it is a different day I want to pick up where we were last night. How do we do that? Am I stalling at a step? I am already working quickly within you... do you need to rush through voicing your need and desire of Me? No. I say again, no. I am always in that state of dependence and need! Hmmmm. There is a real gift in it, isn't there. :) In my deepest parts and in my time of deepest need... it is YOU that I am calling out for. For only You can fill that need. In hearing it voiced, even with my own voice, I am claiming that spot for You alone. To let another or any thing try to fill it would not be allowed, without such an outcry from my being. On a mental, emotional and spiritual level I would know it as an impostor. I am learning to let You have control. I am learning to let You be real while here in this confusing (realm) that is constantly crying out for you... from creation to created.

part 2 of the valley...

It is almost eleven at night and I just have to quickly write down what happened to me (us) today. All the way down to Red Deer I could not wipe the smile off my face. I kept seeing us walking through the valley together laughing, climbing, going across the water, sitting beside the river, lying down in a sun spot. It was so real... and amazing. I felt what I saw and I was filled with a deep contentment or being in almost a constant state of being enraptured by You and being with You. So I want to thank You with all that I am... the size of this mercy, this gift is so beyond everything but I receive it humbly and with an even greater appetite. I want more and more of living like this. Huh. It is beyond words and description.

Dear Reader, I don't mean to miss a couple days but I am led to share my meeting with Jesus on July 16... this is half way through my journal entry that day. One more thing, Reader, if ever I mention something in my journals that refer to another time or meeting and you want to hear more about it ... let me know I am more than willing to share.

... So Jesus I'm here wanting to just be with You today. What and where? I can't wait for more! Hang on... I just have to write this thought down. That movie is a picture of You and me, (the way You revealed it) and in the way You showed me through the bits and pieces that strike me so deeply.... huh... I am led to ask... so were You putting a face, in a physical form for... me? If I think I am understanding this right I am so literally blown away. You would do something that extravagant for me cause I KNOW You would... but You did it! Wow, talk about sitting stunned before the computer. I love You Jesus. I love You. Don't let me even turn my face away from You for a moment ( I know You are forever faithful). Ray has given me seven minutes till we leave... love that eh? Seven! Could we spend that seven minutes together? Yah let's be on a bench; the bench we were on with Don. Okay! I absolutely cannot wipe the smile off my face.... oh my Holy Holy God I love You so much.

We are sitting and looking out over the ledge into the deep deep valley that holds such wondrous things. I will never forget the experience here. I look at You and You point down at the trees that seem forever away. I follow where You are pointing... the evergreens down here are enormous. They are literal giants that seem like they are sleeping decade after decade, even century after century, yet they are growing silently upward and out and without us seeing roots burrow outward and down, outward and down anchoring their massive weight and size. These trees and not so close together that there is no light down here. They are spread out enough that a beautiful green filtered light pierces down. The ground however is hopelessly lost to growing grass and instead carpets itself with needles and moss and that soft dirt that makes the most wonderful walking trails. Of course the spindly wild flowers surge up as they do and tufts of low lying flowers crop up randomly to delight the passerby. Which right now is us. We look up at the massive tree and I am totally taken with the light and how as it comes through the boughs. It's line is disrupted, being caught by the branch but lets another ray pick up the descent beside where it has been stopped.

Singing to the little girl in the village

Journal entry... July 12, 2010

Morning Jesus, that was an interesting side trip out to check on the horses... lol. I just want to take this time before the day gets into full swing because I want each of my kids to feel and know You through me, my actions and reactions. On my walk out to the back of the pasture there was one glimpse of the most beautiful light that made the long, wet walk so worthwhile. Some of the morning light had a chance to sneak through the clouds... but only for a moment. It lit up everything in that morning gold. The horses, the grass (which became a deeper more vibrant green in its presence) and the tiny yellow flowers on their long stems nodding beside the path. Wow it was breathtaking! Thank You for that moment.

Where do You want to go Jesus? Let's sing for her. Okay!
So we sit facing one another on the boulder. There is a light breeze that carries the deep and wonderful scents of the forest to us... there is light but it is dappled and moving as the trees sway in the breeze. I am not sure if I can describe this but we begin to sing. Jesus first and then I add harmony at times and join with His notes where it so obviously calls for it. We sit gazing into each other's eyes singing and feeling so deeply the sounds we are sharing and blending. I know each note, every rise and fall, are speaking a story, a truth. I am unaware of all the surrounds us while we sing even though I know it for another.
While we sang the little girl came so carefully and slowly out of her hut. She sat very purposefully out of sight yet so near. She faces away from us as she sits with her back against a huge stump of an ancient tree. Here she closed her eyes and listened. In the warmth and safety of the music she curled up and drifted off to a sleep she has not known for so long. One of rest and peace, not fear. Of soundness instead of a sleep broken by shards of anxiety and nightmares. Jesus gets up off the boulder now and moves around the tree. Seeing her He ever so gently picks her up and holds her. I can tell by His every movement and look that He has longed to do this so often. Such tenderness as He rocks her back and forth... gazing into her now untroubled face. I suddenly know what to do. I quickly go to her hut, flinging open the door, for I don't know how much time I have. I immediately look for a window to open. I grab a broom and sweep the dirt floor of all it's stale and dead litter... I get down to a new layer as the old is swept right out onto the forest floor. I find some fragrant branches and carry them in. I make a leafy bed next to the old and unused fire pit in the center of the room. I stand up and look around, I can already sense a freshness chasing away the stagnant air. I then gather bits and pieces to make a small but cheery fire and set it all up... ready. As I come out of the hut I see Jesus coming towards me with the girl still asleep in His arms. His face seems to have a glow of delight and excitement... perhaps better put... contentment and love. He is returning from a walk through the woods with her. While she slept He spoke and whispered to her about what was surrounding her. How things looked through His eyes. Of His dreams and hopes. Of truth and love. He enters the hut and gently lays her down on the bed of leaves. Kissing her brow He stands and we walk out. Holding hands we walk away... humming.

Jesus speaking in the dark

journal entry... July 11/10

Before I go to blog Jesus, I need to come to You and spend some time with You. I love what I experienced in the body (of Christ) today. It was good what he shared about bitterness and it's roots and fruit... to call us all on it. Then to have that moment of loving her on behalf of us all was truly a growing up moment. But right now I just want to come to You. Again, I lay down myself and my happenings and just wait for You. Where are we Jesus? I don't see anything but black Jesus. I think, however, it is because we are in the dark.
We are lying down and just listening. We are lying in opposite directions with our heads together. The only thing that joins us is that we are holding one another's hand. You know what this is like? What? When you release things into my hands. It is then a time to let go. You are then no longer asked to see and understand, or to think you need to be apart of or control... to let go. Just giving it to Me and letting it disappear from your known realm as it comes into my Hands. This darkness represents trust.
I am also showing you why it needs to be dark sometimes. Sometimes darkness reminds you that it is Me that is in control... and that I am better at it than you.
And sometimes darkness is a gift... it allows you to let go. Kind of like giving you permission which is giving you back the freedom you should have been living in.
Remind me of this darkness. When I forget to separate the sin from the person. When I accept living in fear and stress and anxiety. When I am open and hurt and start the cycle of looking for what I didn't get, from someone other than You, and pile on layer after layer which buries the very thing that needs to be exposed to be free. No, sin isn't alright but it Yours to judge and we are not asked to carry it... so remind me of this darkness when I need to forgive and put it completely back into Your hands.

journal entry July 10/10

So Jesus I am here before worship practice and although I wanted to come earlier I didn't. I have so much I want to do with You but first I want to stop and let You choose. Where do You want to meet? What do You want to do? I close my eyes willing myself to put aside my own things, my own desires...

We are sitting on a big rock in the village just outside the city. I haven't been here in so long. My eyes eagerly seek out what I remember... the hut transformed, the walkway, the man; but this isn't what I am here for is it. So I close my eyes again and wait... when I open them up again I sence several things. First, in a beam of sunlight that falls across one of the many branches, I see a very small songbird. It is facing the sun. Second, it is very quiet and empty here, in a way that makes it feel like a hush has literally fallen upon this place... tangible and thick. Is it in fear, pain or is it the opposite.... a Holy hush? Who is here Jesus?
In one of the huts the door sits slightly ajar... just enough to catch a ray of light. Inside the hut just beyond the light's reach sits a little girl. She is dirty and ragged from her sleep that has lasted so long amidst the dirt and leaves. Although she yearns for the light to touch her skin, she stays just out of arms length of it, yet she rebels against her self-imposed rules by facing the direction of the light and watching the little bird on the branch. Barely breathing, she sits completely taken with the bird and it's every move. It flits about in the ways of wee little birds, movements so slight you wonder if you even saw it. Then the little bird seems to pause and for a moment drinks in the light; then it bursts out into a song that snatches away the little girl's breath. She is shocked at the break in the stillness, the silence and is grateful that she is still hidden so that no one can accuse her of not being worthy to watch and listen. She closes her eyes tightly but soaks up something else... a desire for more.
We sit on the boulder till that last light fades away then I watch You get up and walk towards the hut. While walking around the hut You take away and move certain branches. I see the little girl, not asleep, but curled up waiting. Waiting for what more is. That is when I see why You have moved the branches. A beam of moonlight, as bright as I can ever remember, streams into the hut from a hole near the top and it's fingers reach and rest right on her arm and shoulder. The light holds deep significance; so deep that it almost has a touch.... she slowly raises her other hand to touch it's presence on her arm... as if to hold it captive as her own. I do not know what Jesus is saying as He walks around her hut but I wonder about His protective presence... His heart and His love coming out with each breath and in each step.

Coming back to be with Jesus

Dear Reader,
It feels like a season has passed by where I have forgotten to really come to Jesus just to be with Him. This is me, coming back.

Jesus I am here on a hurting morning... I feel two kinds of loss. One of unimportance and disregard; a loss of 'special-ness'. The other is a loss of connection - no longer with the ability to reach out and love this soul. It is really sad. So with my heart just as it is I am coming to sit with You. You told me a long time ago that You'd always be there, all through the day, on the bench waiting for me. As I walk up to the bench You rise and turn. You walk towards me with a smile on Your face but compassion in Your expression. You are saying " Don't be sad little One." You take my hand and turn me into a dance. It is so cool how even as we seem to float around the bench turning, swaying, moving at times so swiftly yet with such a tender touch... You are even still, able to make me feel that I am being held so closely so firmly by Your hands and Your heart. You don't let even a hint of sadness in. Looking into my eyes, you smile and laugh then You sigh with contentment. How? No matter. That is not a question for now.
We are now sitting on the edge of a building, I know this place well we've been up here on this roof many times ... we are in our city. We let what we are seeing literally soak in. The crazy deep wildness of the trees and deep greens touched with gold, red, orange and yellows to our right and ultimately surrounding this whole place. The street below is quiet, clean, empty... the doors of the buildings I see are sitting open; windows too. And although I hadn't felt it a breeze moves in and out. It picks up the curtains every now and again and pulling them out of the open window like a call, to those who might pass by, to come in. The windows, however, will not betray what is inside... they give no hints of what is waiting within. And yet they call. I reach over and grasp Your hand not wanting to do anything but remain as close as I can to You.
There is a huge canvas behind us and pots of every color imaginable beneath it. We look at each other and smile, then laugh... YES! At first with reckless abandon we grab handfuls of paint and throw, hurl, toss, sprinkle and smear the colors across the white... it bursts out in color and emotion. The canvas is then washed over by a yellow that seems to move as a wave of the ocean as it covers. What is painted next is not done with our hands but with our hearts.

I haven't been here in so long ... I was drawn back to a journal entry from February so I thought I'd share it.



I am struggling so much tonight... I hate it. I just want to connect with someone who will understand and listen and know. But that someone is really only You. I know that yet; I yearn for eyes and arms... flesh. I know I am being so over the line to want more; but I really do. As I was driving home tonight I knew something... I want to learn to take my hurts and not spill them back onto another person ... even the one doing the hurting. I want to learn to just come to You with my hurts and literally give them to You and look to You to heal my wounds. There are just so many reasons this makes sense... how am I to become who You intended me to be if I stay rooted and rutted in my own humanness controlled so often by the craver? I will never get actual healing if I look to anyone else than You. How else will I get filled up with You to be You to another if I don't ? Jesus I am so close to tears tonight and I don't know if it even is all of my own pain. I see others who go through such sorrow and it makes me ache within cause I know how real it is. It is so strange though cause who am I? What do I know of another's pain? My pain has not been even comparable to so many others. Yet when I see that obvious wrenching of a heart in loss or defeat... in the mourning of that very deep and real place within, I literally catch my breath as my chest tightens.

Want to meet?

Where would it be?

It would be in a room warmed by a fireplace snapping quietly at the far wall. The lights dim and inviting for conversation. I lift my eyes and look ... You have just described my living room where I am right now.... You are here aren't You? Yes. Why do You love me the way You do? Because you are mine and I refuse to let you go. You humble me so very deeply. In but a breath before I was wanting You the way I wanted You; and when You reveal Yourself I am humbled; shocked that I would even presume what is the way things need to be. I am sorry Jesus. Where have I been that we haven't met for so long? You want me right? Yes. And not just surface. Yes. The word short track popped up in your mind lol. Yes lol... that seemed really good at the time... and it still does :) You are living in the experiences that I am using to help you dive deeper into Me. Funny isn't it how life isn't getting easier... is that true? It's always been hard but I know I have been blessed by Your protective hand, really obviously at certain times in my life... so clearly in high school, hmmm. What about now? Well it's tricky really... it has felt hard for a long time... and especially after what feels like weeks of being disconnected from You... I just want to throw myself into You at every turn. I have been messing up alot and I know this is very normal but I also have learned just how dependent I am on You. I think now to myself what on earth am I doing? What have I been doing? I cannot do life without You... but not just with You once a day or during journaling ... I NEED You every moment I draw breath. I need to hear You constantly. I want to hear You constantly ... Oh Jesus have mercy on me please. Bring me back into Your arms... I want to lay my head on Your chest and listen to You breathe. Could I smell You? LOL... you make me laugh little one. Remember I am not limited by anything... I know you want Me and I know you cry when I tell you that because it sinks in just a little deeper that I really really love and know you. I understand you. I know you struggle in how to love when you don't feel it back... wow that stopped you dead. Yes it did. As soon as You said it a million scenarios and thoughts and then related things zoomed through my thoughts. I am still so wanting the approval and acceptance of others. It's a real bondage thing. Regret after regret pour into my thoughts I feel helpless as I sink in it's miry depths... what a cold place to be. Yes craver, your voice may be loud and controlling but Jesus is bigger... Jesus what is the truth of the situation? Why can't I hear You?

I almost hear but it's like that thought that is there but isn't formed into a string of intelligible words... so we sit and look into the fire. We are side by side on a couch with our feet up on a very cushy footrest. Blankets cover us and pillows surround us. You take my hand and give it a squeeze.. it feels like a 'don't worry we'll go there together.' Can I be You to others when I am sad? Can I be You to others when I struggle more than I laugh? Why not? I am inside You and with You always... what if I speak even more powerfully through you while you are sad and unsure and you feel like you are bumbling about. What if while you are laying down I am rising up? My tears course down my face as I look up into Your eyes... it really is You that I don't want to disappoint You know. I know Little One I know. What do I expect of you? You don't really... You know I need You... You just want me to let You be You.