Almost becoming unglued.... Journal entry Aug 18/10

   Okay Jesus the words are just not coming. I have to just spill out my incomplete and rambling thoughts cause I want to be here with You more than I want everything else. I think I know why I keep wanting to go back to that movie. Instead of making the time to sit and write I just want to keep reexperiencing what I believe I learned from You in this. I just want to see and then feel this intensity. Why this movie seems to have it in spades for me I don't know.  The thought that just came to me was... but what about the time spent with You when we are loving someone, praying and being there with them or for them? Am I being so selfish? With my desire to feel? Am I missing out on ministry time with You? Hmmm I need to get back into Your word I know. I want to get back to soaking time with You. I want to ride my horse as far as I can with no plan or limits. I want to be alone. I want to just have a day to talk about my feelings and experiences and wonderings. I want to not miss chances to love my children. I know You are getting me through this busy time and I really am thankful. I am wanting to connect thoughts with others about our church. I want to talk about what You are doing in each of our lives. I want to inspire others to love and get excited about You. I want to journal and share my life on my blog. I want to make wise decisions. I want to be loved. Hang on.....hmmm. There's one that needs to be looked at doesn't it? What is that about? Is it a love that I want in the here and now by others around me? It can be dangerous to want this, I think, because it can skew what I do, what I say, what I feel, how I react.  If I am content to be completely loved by You then it all snaps back into place. I am no longer motivated by anything else ... no agendas, no scheming, to do and get back what I desire or think I need.


   Jesus I exhaust myself. lol. Wanna hang out?
 
   I see us sitting on a pier swinging our feet and splashing the water with our toes. I then get up and lie down on my stomach instead so I can rest my head on my hands and look over the edge and into the water. There is just so much moving and swirling in the deep dark colors of the water. I turn my head and look at You. You are watching me. I just want to know how to feel Jesus. Why? Well do I miss some understanding if I don't? Or is there too great a danger of it being all about me if I do feel? Why are you worried about you? Isn't that My job? If I am taking care of you; can you trust me to carry you emotionally too? Perhaps the absence of expected emotion is a gift I am giving you right now for a bigger purpose than you realize. How do I live in contentment yet always wanting more? By dying to yourself and living in Me. Yes. Why would I ask to have more on my plate than is there at any given moment by You?