The second part came as I wrote a letter to a friend.

Part II  Wounding and Sharing

   I just wanted to let you know I really appreciated the text this morning... couldn't reply, however, it was crazy busy.  I just reread it and it struck me differently and I kind of wish I would have reread it earlier but perhaps that was for a reason too... lol.  At church this morning a man and his wife came, he was raised in the area and he spoke with great firmness.  I thought it was interesting because ever since the board meeting I am purposefully trying to notice a bigger picture of who comes and goes and what messages are coming through them.  I guess this was of special note for me because he was speaking for the native people.
   Jeff spoke well, he thinks he overloaded everyone but I don't think so.  It was just a sermon you should go home and chew on for a bit I figure.  It was interestingly timed, however, because of what I shared with my worship team the night before.  I was telling them that there was a time this last week that when I was in a sad place, I had reached out to someone for comfort and help and didn't get it.  The result was, I literally felt a wall go up around my heart and a "fine I will never do that again" ringing in my ears.  It was awful.  I knew it wasn't good for so many reasons.  Now even in that moment I knew that Jesus was wanting me to come to Him instead of anyone else and most likely had this happen to 'force' lol... or strongly steer me to Him instead.  There is reason that He wanted me to come to Him first and I can even guess what some of them are without asking Him YET even with that reasoning I could not shake the wall.  Then, this links for me, to my understanding and learning about the body... oh wow does this cause questions.  Without taking the lid off that pot, I will say that I asked for payer that the wall would be removed.  Oh and I also did a bit of wondering about how I take my hurts, anger and frustration to Jesus alone to deal with instead of letting it spew out on the individuals around me.  I believe Jesus is slowly taking me to a perspective or understanding on that one.  On my way to church my cousin texts me a scripture verse from Phil 4:4-9. I didn't look it up till the sermon but the one thing that jumped out was that HE would guard my heart and mind.  (Very significant to me right now!!) 
   So part of Jeff's sermon was the damage and disease in our lives and how it's roots are often in fear or anxiety, stress and unforgiveness etc... Interestingly, it seemed to really speak to what I had shared the night before HOWEVER... it has got me thinking again because I don't know if it really spoke entirely to my specific situation after all.  Yes on some levels but there's more.  The shutting down I felt was not an anger at that person per say.  I didn't really feel they owed me an apology or anything, I was disappointed because I expected or wanted more than they ultimately were asked by Jesus to give.  This has got me wondering, here I am thinking that we as a body need to be willing to be open and vulnerable with one another so we really can connect and see how Jesus works in and amongst us through all things.  That open and honest sharing often bonds us together in a way that carries us through the surface family squabbles and dryer times.  But here I am realizing that Jesus wanted me to go to Him first because that is my deepest relationship to continually cultivate, experience, confirm etc AND unfortunately I take with me a battle scar of withdrawal to get me there both emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  (yes I take some serious lessons from Him to really  get things... yikes) Now I sit here thinking, for others that would also be a very important thing.  Everyone needs to be reminded and at times helped to go to Jesus first with all things THEN He seems to rain out the messages and ministry through His hands and feet (the body) to bind up, encourage, speak truth or confirmation of it.  (and we can receive it then knowing it is Jesus speaking and touching)  I see the extreme value in this because all of a sudden, we humans, are not placing ourselves in a potentially dangerous position of attaching ourselves to another thus giving them the place that Christ alone should occupy.  However, I also don't think that we are inactive in this time.  As a body we should be available to those around us, to pray them into Jesus' presence, to go with them, covering them with prayer so they are able to hear Jesus' words while in the midst of their wounds or struggles.  Now I can also speak as the wounded.  I should go to others not expecting them to understand the depth of my wounds and hurts but to ask them to cover me and speak over me to see Jesus alone.  To know that what I feel is real but His perspective has a greater power to set free or turn the tables to healing or a beautiful ministry coming out of this time.  I don't need others to completely undestand all of my pain to do this... and after Jesus is present in it again He seems to release what to share somehow.  And then in that kind of sharing it could encourage and speak perhaps to others that hurt or struggle and God's touch is again released further out and with power.