Journal entry Aug 19/10

   Hey Jesus this is a bad day after all. Not in events, just inside. I hate that I feel the all too familiar human struggles. I want to focus on myself, I want someone to understand, I want, I want, I want. I hate that. I hate that I am hurt by another's judgement and their decision because of it. I hate that I take that so personally and feel once again not worthy of the task. I hate that I feel beaten and want to give up on some levels. I hate that when I am overwhelmed it makes me want to swear. I hate that when I feel beaten down about what I am doing in our ministry that I drudge up all the dreams and wishes I have and feel so very far away from the goal. Then I say, without fail... what am I doing?


   Jesus I need to be where You are so desperately.

   Lies are just that... lies. I don't need to be hospitable and entertain them. "Who I am is not just myself." If I look at You I see well ya... that makes sense. Your Father was so who You were. You shut down Yourself to listen and obey Your Dad. You put Yourself to death so that all You held important was Your Father and His heart. When I look within it's just not that easy. I see times where You help me step back enough that I feel and know it is You coming through. Sadly, however, I often find I am staring at myself and wondering how the heck did I get in the way AGAIN! I will ask this question once again... so why? Why do I have the struggles and emotions I do? Can I not just acknowledge it is just me and let that lie down and let You flood my soul and take over? Wow, that brings the other thought to me ... I miss being You. I know how close we are by how I treat the strangers around me. Am I smiling and caring about all I meet? Am I, without thought, reaching out with a wave or touch? There is a lightness or freedom and just desire to love when I am filled with You. I miss that. So why can't I just decide to let the issues that prevent that to not matter and get back into Your arms? I know I asked this, sort of, last night but again I just am wondering; am I allowed to go and selfishly soak in my emotions? I just went back and reread my last journal... hmmm. I need to hear Your words. I need to quit insisting that I be allowed to do this right now. I will put them all back into Your hands and trust that You will take care of me emotionally too.