Journal entry July 28/10

Jesus I haven't been here in so long it feels like a long week and a half. 
I got something else this morning... previously you had given me a picture of relationship and the depth of it through a movie but I knew when I went to look for that 'face' of it again most likely it would be different.  I assume so as not to latch onto something fixed and thus stifle the growth and reality of the relationship.  However we are often afraid to give up that one moment because it sunk in so deep and to step further in and away from that moment or 'face' creates the fear that we may lose it all.  But reality, Your reality, declares that if we are to stay in that moment we tragically lose what we are trying so hard to hang onto.  We need to have eyes that see and hearts open to receive. Then with faith and trust in You, to keep walking deeper and deeper and often away from what we know and into You.  I want that kind of relationship that I am always looking for You and how You speak... I will never forget those moments of connection but I don't want to be stuck in them either.  In the same way I am learning about the truth of the body... I see that You are way too diverse and creative and faceted to be boxed.  Seeing a coming together and unity in all those ways brings a beauty of such incomparable awe that we would indeed be fools to live content with only our own sight and view. 
   So this last week away from You I missed the intense tangible presence of You like I felt the week before.  Yet.  I knew You were there and again I am reminded that we do not always 'feel.'  Now my question to You is ... does it have to be that way? Did my lack of journalling make me drift away from You in some way?  Even if the state of my physical world is turbulent can I somehow keep that insane deep connection with You through it all?  Even if I had no hands could we have what we seem to have when we talk like this?  Did Brother Lawrence live constantly in the sway of passionate love for You?  It sounds like he did.  I want that. 
Let's meet?
   I feel like we are on a mountain top and looking down miles and miles.  Everything seems so far away.  I think You are holding me here because I don't think I am touching the ground.  It is not sunny and striking... it is overcast and a dullness settles on the view before me.  I am looking for You, I want to see You.  I know what I want but do You want me to see something first?  I look from side to side. The ranges and valleys go on as far as my eyes can see... the breeze is cool, not comfortable.  Do You have words for me Jesus?  Words that I need to speak?  I don't hear Your answer but I strain too, Jesus, I am not sure what I am seeing could I see it through Your eyes instead?  I know that there are glints of gold throughout this landscape but I cannot see them.  Are they Your people?  Why am I on a mountain top?  To gain perspective?  To receive a message for them, for us?  I do not need to be afraid.  You are here.  Yet I almost frantically seek out Your voice.  Why am I deaf? 
   I lay down my questions and realize they have grown from a wee stone to a tall rock pile ... I kind of laugh at myself and give them a push.  They tumble down and spread out losing their height and power.  Ha.  I close my eyes and try to just sense Your presence... it takes awhile but You grow clearer and closer the longer I stand here.  If feel You against my shoulder and my heart soars. You actually come around in front of me.  Holding my shoulders yet at the same time You grow huge as if You are becoming the whole sky.  I see Your face smiling and holding my gaze while I also see the sky and mountains, trees, rocks and valleys too.  You look so happy as our eyes remain locked.  In this moment I choose to let go of reasoning and fact and understanding in my own strength I just want to look at You and be filled with joy and love. You alone make me understand and I will trust You to reveal to me at the right moment what that means.  So I look again into Your eyes and I laugh... I laugh loud and it joins with your own and echoes down the mountain.  It is filling up the valleys , the landscape till it nearly reaches us once more.  I look into Your crinkled in laughter and delight eyes and I am filled with the knowing that this is where I always want to be.