Dear Reader,
    Before I leave my journal entries from July, 2010.  I have four ramblings that are connected in my trying to understand dependence upon God and the role of the body of Christ.  How emotion like hurt and wounding can pull us away or draw us in.  As well as learning to die so we can really love, with His love.  I have left them till now as it was over the course of this month that many experiences and learning's came and went that took me on this path of asking questions and wanting to grasp a deeper understanding.  Interested?  Come with me then....

PART I   Questions about Dependence

   Jesus... there is alot on my mind this morning.  I make decisions that I don't know have any sense behind them at times.  Huh.  But regardless of these times it still serves to highlight what is right and Holy and good.  For in the presence of You, things come into sharper focus and the freedom of release is so obviously felt.       
   Before I lose my thoughts I will quickly put down my first question... the curious connection between the individuals relationship with You and the relationship of Your body and Yourself.  When is that interdependence required and when does the necessity for that to fall back so that we, individually, depend on You alone?  I also want to ask You about emotions.  I have seen them take over and have a power that is inappropriate in the light of You.  So what do I do in those times?  I don't think it is wrong to feel so deeply about things but to not be able to have that door open to receive Your perspective alongside it would steal the deeper purpose out of it, I think.  I experienced a day and a half of being nearly constantly in tears especially in the presence of any touch of kindness, and yet, when I asked for prayer I was released from it.  Now were those tears selfish?  Not entirely but yes, alot of them.  To receive such a release from it also speaks to me that there is something I need to realize. Could my openness to Your presence and perspective smother the selfishness out of my pain and bring out more clearly the purpose and beauty (and perhaps opportunity) that You can work out of it?  If I was able to experience deep sorrow and have Your perspective, would I not be filled at the same time with Your crazy thick love for those around me?  In that last day, I was hurting not only for myself but for all those that hurt.  I wanted someone to understand and feel for me (now I realize that is selfish) but I also felt that same desire for all those around me that carried hurt. That they would be seen and heard and understood.  In this case however, not only did I not find that... even when I asked for it I didn't get it.  As soon as that happened I threw up a wall..." well! I will never ask for that again."  In fact I felt it so strongly that I spoke it aloud.  Now this is when I wondered anew about the interdependence of the body.  It was like You were saying to me "I want you to come to Me for this and not go to someone else"... I understand this on the surface... I get that there are things we need to take to You alone and not through the feet and hands of others because You alone want us to experience what it is to be ministered to by You.  We need that base for our (Jesus and myself) deep intimacy.  So that we KNOW You and recognize You in the world and in others.  However this swings back to my first question... I didn't go to You alone first and in reaching out to another for comfort and not getting what I wanted I walled myself off more... In that hurt I determined to never ask again.  So how do I do this?  How do I know when to reach out and when to just keep it between us?  How do I expect others in their hurts and pain to share them with the body when I hesitate to do it myself?  Or wonder if they should be going to You first and then to the body?  What order do You desire for us to take here?  I am needing to hear You Holy Spirit... whisper Your wisdom to me I pray. 
   At our church board meeting a lady that normally isn't there came and spoke out of Your Spirit and did a good shaking up.  She lit up some questions and thoughts that we need to consider as a body.  I'm going to put a statement out there that may seem horrible.... but I think we have mistakenly been seeking the wrong thing from the Church for way too long.  We go in wondering what it is the Church will do for us.  I think this is wrong.  I don't think I necessarily have the words to explain it but we need to actually see what we are and whose we are.  There are no 'thoroughbreds' of Christianity.  We are all children... we are children of grace and mercy.  We can no better stand than the next person... we are all equally dependent upon Jesus for our existence, our faith.  And , as I think I am coming to see, within the context of the body we are also equally dependent upon each member to know what being Christ's body really is.  What it is designed to be, look like and how to function within Your will, desire and passion for us.  Hence I am now stuck at that thought again. 
   I have to pop another question in here... why am I not speaking up in church.. Why do I not know if I should?  It feels like there is just so much more inside me (letting You be alive in me) that isn't getting out and I want to set that free.  I want to die Jesus so that You can really live in my life.  I want to give up those rights and desires I seem to hang onto with a death grip.  Jesus have my heart and soul and mind I want my every action to be for You and due You... I see that I have fallen far from that lately.  Crazy.  I hate that.  I am so sorry Jesus please take me back into Your arms.  Take my face in your hands and hold my gaze.  Cleanse me within and let it all fall away... 
I am crazy about You...
Take me back Jesus.
Broken.... Tam.

later that day....
Yah I'm still here... not doing much today except bumping around.  Huh.  Thinking.  I have to laugh though (sadly).  Within the course of one day, I go from being lost, to being found, to losing my grip and then holding on one more time.  I will take this moment of perspective to talk with You.  What do I say in my weak lost moments?  Cut them off in Your name?  Or remember to ask for Your perspective through it?  I seem to live on a slippery slope.  ...