June 13/11 Journal entry, number two
I don't know Jesus.
I have lost and gained ... lost again and gained even more.
When I look at my road I think one of my biggest gains is the freedom You have given me in Your Spirit. The hurt I carried for so many years I am coming to believe is actually gone. Not gone in the sense it didn't happen nor that I don't remember how it felt... but the need to be heard and for them to understand and feel remorse. I am free from that I believe. How? Cause it is what it is. You are God... I am not... nor are they.
When I want to be heard and understood, when I want to be loved perfectly... I come to You. When I need acceptance and approval it is Yours I want. I cannot love You Jesus if I do not forgive and let go of putting that expectation of perfection on those in my life.
I have a chance to love all those in my life for this time here. Some are easy, some not. Some are accepted and liked by alot of others while others are rejected... it is tough when some of those rejecting are within the body but even those that are not hold weight and sway. But here is what my heart is saying... so what? I have anywhere from a day to 30 plus years left to live... why not make it my mission to love as many as I possibly can within my time here. Accepting all reprecussions and results for what they are ... I know You can enable me to love regardless. Regardless of even my own hurt. I know You can help me see people as they are... beautiful in the face of imperfection, remarkable in their diversities, as treasured and loved by You. I don't need to put anything on the people in my life. They don't need to be You, You'll do that. Because I don't need to be about me... other's don't have to either. Now there's a freeing thought and it makes me laugh deep inside somewhere.
I have lost and gained ... lost again and gained even more.
When I look at my road I think one of my biggest gains is the freedom You have given me in Your Spirit. The hurt I carried for so many years I am coming to believe is actually gone. Not gone in the sense it didn't happen nor that I don't remember how it felt... but the need to be heard and for them to understand and feel remorse. I am free from that I believe. How? Cause it is what it is. You are God... I am not... nor are they.
When I want to be heard and understood, when I want to be loved perfectly... I come to You. When I need acceptance and approval it is Yours I want. I cannot love You Jesus if I do not forgive and let go of putting that expectation of perfection on those in my life.
I have a chance to love all those in my life for this time here. Some are easy, some not. Some are accepted and liked by alot of others while others are rejected... it is tough when some of those rejecting are within the body but even those that are not hold weight and sway. But here is what my heart is saying... so what? I have anywhere from a day to 30 plus years left to live... why not make it my mission to love as many as I possibly can within my time here. Accepting all reprecussions and results for what they are ... I know You can enable me to love regardless. Regardless of even my own hurt. I know You can help me see people as they are... beautiful in the face of imperfection, remarkable in their diversities, as treasured and loved by You. I don't need to put anything on the people in my life. They don't need to be You, You'll do that. Because I don't need to be about me... other's don't have to either. Now there's a freeing thought and it makes me laugh deep inside somewhere.
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