journal entry...July 7/11

   This word pad is Yours and mine inbox I figure. Well I could use more than a message after my errant ways lately. Jesus I love You crazy much. I also figure that You know where I am so my prayer is please help me find You.

   I run up behind you two and already You are on Your feet coming towards me with Your arms outstretched to swoop me up. I hold on tight with a grip that resonates with a touch of hysteria and desperation. It's been so long Jesus is all I can mumble out between my tears. Then as quick as the words come out we are still and You are holding my face in Your hands...I was always here Tam You just weren't listening or looking or reaching out and even though all You see, for the most part, is the pain and frustration of these times, I see the bigger picture and plan and although the road isn't always desired it is what it is. What do You choose to do with all that happens? What do You allow to speak to you? Teach you? What turns into conviction and desire? What pushes you way out into the unknown and far away for comfortableness? I ache each moment you don't look at Me and you know why that is... because of the way I love You. I feel deep jealousy for you ... I can't see through my tears anymore so I close my eyes and feel Your finger brush away my tears. You pull me back in for a hug and hold me. After a bit I hear You chuckle and I cannot help but respond in the same way.

   So what is with the stack of sheets? What is it that I already know? What was familiar about this go around? Well it smacked of my lent lesson for sure, my absolute lack of ability to do what I wanted to do or what I knew I should be doing. Which equates essentially to my complete dependence on You. Now I would ask why the same lesson again... but I think it must be a further learning to exist knowing this so that it becomes one of those foundational things that is firmly established in where You are taking me or steering me? Or better put so I remember I am not in control You are. Lol to exist in reality not illusion.