Jesus... I want to pursue You. 

I want to live each day knowing that I have given all I can for You. Even when this will look like failure when really what I battle is self and what I think I want. I want to know that I fought.

   Jesus sometimes I feel like I am walking alone. In searching You out I find I am on a cliff's edge with only my echo accompanying me. The wind feels a little colder and the rocks that slip, fall down and down, cementing the thought of just how far away I am in place. 
   I keep walking along as the mountain on my right rises up in a sheer cliff face ... the heat of the sun is now coming off the rock to the degree that I pull my coat off and wrap it around my waist. The path my feet follow becomes one of no options... as the rock closes in and surrounds me it does so in a hard, unrelenting way. Even to turn around would feel risky... so I don't. I keep looking ahead while feeling the sheer drop on my left and impassible height to my right. Strangely, as the path winds it's way up and down and left and right, it holds a surprise for me ... in the slightest bend to the right I suddenly see ahead a cave just up from the trail. My chest tightens in the briefest of thoughts that You will meet me there. Finally reaching the spot I carefully turn to reach up the wall to grab ahold of anything. Finding a small opening I then find a foothold to help me up. 
   Suddenly You have ahold of my hands and pull me so easily up into the cave's opening. I immediately throw my arms around You not even waiting to look into Your eyes to see what You are saying. Jesus. My tears soak into Your shirt as I try to speak out of the jumble of thoughts racing too fast to catch. I just want to love You Jesus and I am scared that when I don't feel my passion for You and don't meet with You that You will think I don't love You... I always want to feel that first love passion for everything about You. The warmth of the sun on my back is nothing compared to the satisfaction and comfort of Your arms holding me. Finally I lean back to look up into Your face and I am met with such a look. It's a good thing You understand me and my thoughts better than I do ... and our soft laughter mixes with the fresh tears of relief that slip down. Without making me feel any release away from Your hold You shift me around to fit just under Your arm so that we are gazing out of the cave together. To take in what is before us I am stunned momentarily. I realize I am holding my breath when I hear Your low chuckle. 
   As I slowly exhale I wonder how... before us is the boldness and majesty of enormous boulders yet the fresh green of trees that stubbornly root themselves around and away from the sparkling water that falls with a relentless strength and beauty. Sunlight angles down making the green almost glow against a dark background and catching the spray of the water to reflect and bounce off of everything prisms of light. But I couldn't even hear the water when I was walking... I saw nothing but the bleak, barely changing color of the rock and slate on and beside my narrow path... But you kept of walking ... yes. You didn't know where or when or what... no. It was there even though you didn't feel it ... or see it... or make a move to look for it... yes it was. You sweep me up and settle me onto Your lap as You sit down at the mouth of the cave .... we are bathed in the sun's warmth. As our legs dangle down with the ease of freedom I let Your words sink in. So You know I love You? Yes. But how when I even question myself in the face of the actions or lack thereof? Because I know where you are... I understand where you are... and I see the big picture of the why and what will come out of it. How do You go through what You do for me? How I treat You? and I know that it is multiplied over and over by each one of Your Beloved. I ache for what we put You through. I see what you do not. I know beyond what you grasp. Keep tasting the love with which I love you... and you'll gain an insight only it can give. Jesus this is one of those moments. Perhaps we could stay here for a while?

   I am coming to see something Jesus. I think I hear You. I feel something within that is a determination to love You despite it all... the narrow path may come in many forms and I am sure that I will be blind to differing degrees while walking them but really if what we have had in our relationship was all I would ever get (I know I am crazy to talk like that but I mean experientially) would I or could I continue to love You without reserve for the rest of my life? Yes I think so... where You met me this morning is showing me that despite what I see and feel there is so much more happening. And in the mercy and light of Your love You will continue to meet me even if it is never in the way I expect or think I need.

So I just want to check in with You one more time today it will be a busy rest of the day (what is left lol) but I want to love You so purposefully in it all.  

I love You Jesus. I really, really love You.

...journal entry... May 6/11