April 17/11
Day 40 of lent

   Hey Jesus amazingly diverse day. I guess all par for the course. Especially of someone wanting more. I could have been content in my 'righteous' anger but I wasn't. That was most uncomfortable. Seeing a much accurate hindsight only minutes after the act was particularly painful. Why not just before than just after.

   I want to jot a bit down about this year's lent to see if it makes sense. This whole walk and the set up to it has been very deep ... solemn in revelation a sharpening of focus of what is and the reality of self and just when I thought I was not coming anywhere familiar anytime soon a rescuing hand pulled me back into an embrace that I hungered for.

   Coming into lent I was submersed in the battle between the echo of my flesh (the craver) and living as a slave to Christ. While I battled I was torn over and again about whether I was being offensive or just being lax in self discipline. (and whether that was wrong) But whether what I did was wrong at all the fact remained that I was not in control. My resolve throughout my life has remained pretty strong and has served me well many times but here it was pathetically weak, dare I say non-existent, most days. This shook me in many ways, my determination, my will was not enough. And so lent began while I felt slowly further and further from my very real and present Jesus. At the end of lent I have come to the decision that however Jesus and my Father want to reveal themselves I am content there regardless of what that looks and feels like.  I will surrender my demand for what I know or what I am used to and be content instead not with the comfortable but in the fact that You are still present with me.  My motives for my actions and thoughts are being laid bare and I have come to see that You and Your ways are infinitely better (whether I understand them or not) and I am so thankful that I know much more clearer now what decision I am really making.  The impact of this revelation has hit me very profoundly.