journal excerpts...June 9/11

   Hey Jesus... I am craving just silence and You. So after cleaning up a few more chores I figured I'd stop in word wise and see if You wanted to meet or tell me anything.

   The picture of the lake last night is still vividly clear. But of course it always looks different in the daylight. It got me wondering about the city. Why haven't we been there for such a long time? Jesus? Hmmm. You are taking in alot and although you feel quite self centered my plan is bigger than what it seems. What walls fall down when your picture of Me is radically fuller? When you allow Me to help you take some of that in... the change it wroughts within you affects everyone you are with too. Hey try this on for size... does the word leadership scare you anymore?
No. Not really . lol. Things seem more complicated right now... like I just can't sort out all that my mind is racing to grapple with and understand. 
Yes.. but how cool was it when that one sentence from the sermon rang so clear to you that you actually and audibly went huh. Remember what you go through alot of the time is not about you at all but about Me and what I want to do through you and with you for others and for a bigger picture. Right. And I suppose that I will recognize those moments when they arrive and it will take the 'longevity' of the journey almost completely from memory in light of the gift it becomes whether for myself or completely for another.

I know this next statement (rant) is erroneous but I want to write it down anyways... why does it seem the bigger I comprehend You as, the more complicated it seems. Which in turn makes me drift away somewhat relationally because it seems like more than just us simply being in love with one another. It seems like how can it work simply when You are so much bigger than that? How blind was I? and why did You let us live like that for so long? Was I in error? And if I wasn't and that is a basis for relationship why am I feeling so distant now that You are revealing more instead of feeling closer to You? 
I sent this statement to a friend who in turn shared an amazing perspective on it that in alot of ways felt like it was setting me free from the place I thought I had to remain exclusively in to gain a bigger revelation of who God is.   

The personal Jesus who you know as intimate friend and lover is one and the same as the Cosmic Christ who sits on the throne of the universe. Your experience of Jesus as husband is much more intimate than it could ever be with Jesus as Lord on the Throne. The two different experiences are necessary revelations for different situations and needs. When you want intimacy, don't bother with Jesus' all powerful place on the universal throne. Meet him in the nuptial chamber. But there is a time to remember he is king ... when the world is falling apart and wicked empires are raging and mountains are shaking. When it feels like life is out of control, remember the look of confidence and competence as he scans our world from his throne.