Journal entry...June 15/11

   Jesus I have a sick feeling in my stomach and I don't know why. What am I so unsure of? Or afraid of? My day is essentially mapped out... wow this is unsettling.  Hmmm.

   I feel You come up behind me and hold onto me. We stand here looking out over the edge. Oh wow I know where we are! I have missed coming here so much, in some ways almost afraid of what I am missing by not being here with You.
   I soak up the fact that You are here with me... I realized earlier today that I am continually learning that I need to let You be God no matter what that means... whether it means a difference in revelation and meeting, going through whatever trial whether I know the reason or not even if it is for myself or another. But then I wondered if my desire to meet You this way is me trying to control You? Really? And in the light of the past months what do you really think? 
Lol... that I am so far from control and I feel a desperately deep amount of relief and gratitude when You allow us to meet so intimately. 
   Your arms fall away as You come alongside me. I join You as we sit side by side on the edge of this .... what is it really? A canyon? A valley? A cliff? The sheer drop suggests canyon but everything is carpeted in such beauty. Rolling greens in innumerable shades framing the rambling river at the bottom. I know the majesty of the trees here as we have been through here before but from here they are so small the tops shifting in the breeze moved by Your unseen hand.
It's beautiful. 
Yeah it is. We spend alot of time on edges and cliffs lol. Is it because when I am beside You they are just so beautiful and full of purpose and delight? All that unknown I am not yet touching but You are inviting me into? You make me brave. Your head tilts back as You laugh aloud. 
And do you know what is cool about that... alot of your bravery is blind. Yes, you are getting to know Me more and more but you take leaps off just trusting that I am in it. 
And yet the more I learn about You the more I realize how little I have trusted in You and it is crazy and maddening... sorry Jesus. You touch my face tenderly looking deep into my eyes, holding my gaze for a long time.