Morning Jesus I feel the anticipation of meeting You this morning and I love it. Thank You for last night and even though I got only a little sleep it was good to talk out my real heart for You to express to You how deeply I feel and what I know is true.
Last night as You stroked my hair, while I wept out my love for You, I was brought back to that roof top in our city where at different times I've laid down my head on Your lap and cried out my hurt, my loneliness. However, last night, I thought I cannot even grasp Your compassion that You would comfort me while I cry for myself. Through experiences that were necessary for me to go through and not only that but good for me to go through for how else do we really die? But see and mourn ... eventually releasing and dying... only to then receive Your perspective, Your hope, Your purpose or in the absence of that just to know how close we really were at that moment.
Last night You also brought to mind three moments in my life. The first time was one afternoon sitting at my kitchen table, looking out the window at the clouds beyond thinking... You could come back right now and that would be (more than) okay with me. Pretty much everything surrounding me at that time were in shreds and pieces. It was around that kitchen table moment that I began to write and I haven't stopped since... spilling out my heart and hurt, my desire and passion to You line after line... from book to book then screen after screen.
The next moment you helped me remember was during a family vacation to Yellowstone National Park. One night I had a dream ... curiously after all these years I remember it with startling clarity. There was a line up of people anxious to get through a door, several of my family were in it I particularly remember my mom. Suddenly I was inside and it was a church. We were on pews, I was quite far in from the aisle and my father sat beside me. And then You came Jesus... and from all those that surrounded me it was me you were looking at and You came with Your arm outstretched... asking for my hand. You were choosing me... to marry. I remember a quick and excited exchange between You and my father and that was all.
The third moment was a few years later lying on the ground, broken, when my horse had reared and flipped on top of me. Even though I was struggling even to breath I remember looking up at the sky and thinking, yup, it happens just like this... death... and I am more than okay with that. As I remembered these moments I got to thinking of the order of them and that Yellowstone was in between these two. There was a difference between these two times but a similarity too... in the first I was broken inside done with myself and so purposefully giving myself, all of me, to You to come take over, rescue, and relieve. In the second I was broken outside but equally ready to give myself completely over to You, to Your plan and Your will even if it meant death. Something very profound came out of my time of (physical) brokenness. I had a chance to love the person I was sharing a room with in the hospital and it was almost entirely with a curtain between us... we talked about the deeper things of life, we talked about Jesus and I remember decidedly thinking afterwards. Jesus, I am more than willing to go through whatever You ask physically to have that honor of loving someone for You.
I have such a strong pull to keep returning to You today... I've really come for a hug. To hold and be held.
Time is desperately short but I cannot do anything for it. I should go back to work but I keep returning once again to You. I love You Jesus. I think if we were riding our horses just now it would be in the cool of the green forest... dappled light plays as the breeze bends the limbs of the giants that stand as if they are guardians of this path. I hear and smell running water singing nearby adding to the idyllic feel of these surroundings and we travel on. Sometimes at a reckless pace, laughing as the wind tears at our clothes and hair as we hold on to the pull of wild strength surging beneath us and the sound of the hooves hardly heard above the whistling wind. Then at times we walk and trot without order but in circles around one another gradually winding our way along. Most likely for me alone, a sudden hush blankets us as Your hand reaches out and brushes mine. I hear my own heart beat as I hold my breath... You swing Your horse around, holding my gaze then the circle completes itself as You come near and hold my hand. Hmmmm.
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