July 28/11... journal entry...
I have no idea what to write or where to meet so please guide this time. When Brad suggested that the city is my heart something kind of clicked. Huh... so why am I surprised when more of the city shows up? And really, what of the people I pray for that I don't know? A couple of thoughts. I am okay with obeying and following Your lead even when I have no clue. What if there is a twofold purpose for praying? What if in watching You minister to the hurt and broken You reveal Yourself to me and heal what is inside me too?
What if we had a bench by the river's edge? Two different kinds of meeting wouldn't it be? On the edge of a cliff and by the water ... both asking me to step into the unknown but one feels like more of obedience and following while the other is into You.
Dearest Reader... In case you are just joining me, I first explained the significance of what water has come to mean to me in a post November 15/09.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Journal excerpts...July 12/11
Morning Jesus I never did get back to the computer yesterday. I just am needing to spend some time with You ...
So we are walking along the roof lines and setting down candles some of them are inside of glass candle holders, some are in regular jars, while others are in nothing. I believe this is for the girl. I am following You.
We then, go into the building we have spent the last few days in and run down the very dark stairwell. You give the door a big push and we spill out into the bright sunlight on the street. We are laughing and enjoying everything. You grab my hand and lead me between two building ... like always there is nothing but the buildings themselves ... no dirt or rocks, no garbage or anything in the alley. We come out of the alley and run across another street into the next alley ... wow! I had no idea there was another street yet! We are headed north. When we emerge again we are at the bottom of the green, there is a soft grass and dirt road that is winding it's way west which then curves into the trees.
I am a little *scared inside, and I will explain this later, so I jump up on Your back to enter into where You are taking me. You are not in the least bothered, of course, and saunter with an easy stride towards the bend and the trees. I put my head down on my arm on Your shoulder... lol trying to get even closer to You. As we start the turn I see a sea of green. The trees now on both sides of the road are able to reach their branches over towards one another creating such a beautiful mottled canopy of light and green playing with one another in the breeze. My friend I have been praying for is nearby isn't she? Umhmm. I jump down and You hold my hand as we continue on. I am so dazzled by the beauty that I forget to breathe in the rich heady scent of what surrounds us. I hear water and You stop me. I cannot see where the path is going now but we aren't following it anymore. We enter the trees and brush and instantly it feels like we are in another world. Everything changes... light, perspective, sound, smell it's so amazing but we are not in here long ... as we walked, it was as if a path just revealed itself as we walked forward. Just as suddenly we enter a clearing with the most beautiful pool and the rocks that are on the one side to a ledge higher up is the source of the pool's water. It isn't a rushing waterfall but a quiet and constant one. The water trickles and falls and moves with soft voices all the way down to the pool. There you are my friend... in the sun, eyes closed in a very deep rest. I look at where we have come from and am not surprised, really, to see a very worn path that without a doubt Your feet know well. I walk a little closer to the water's edge and sit on a low flat rock. You move close to her and sit alongside her. You gently take her hand and I see her automatically shift closer... laying her head against the front of Your shoulder.
Like I have seen so many times before, Your lips are moving as You speak right to her heart and soul, I hear nothing but know they will hit their mark. In the reverence of the moment I bow on my knees and let my heart swell with all that is within ... my devotion, my love, my awe, my all. Holy, Holy, Holy, let not one Word fall to the ground ever... so surround her with Your protective hands that the ministry and healing that happens here will never leave her but leave her changed forever. Holy, Holy, Holy, let Your very presence literally soak in and saturate her... oh that she would know such a depth of freedom in You. Holy, Holy, Holy.
*dearest Reader I will now explain my fear. Even after all the times I have met with Jesus there are moments that I know without a doubt a place is not a result of my imagination at all... in those moments I become afraid. Jesus is taking me somewhere I didn't see coming or cannot even fathom or dream up what could be behind that door or around that corner. In these moments in my utter lack of control besides the decision of going forward or not; I am at His mercy and all the insecurities swell up and I fear ... who am I? what if I can't handle it? what if I don't see? You know what? God can feel scary. He is huge and beyond my comprehension. And yes I know who I am in Jesus but I also know who I am and that, my friend, is cause for great fear when in the presence of Him.
Morning Jesus I never did get back to the computer yesterday. I just am needing to spend some time with You ...
So we are walking along the roof lines and setting down candles some of them are inside of glass candle holders, some are in regular jars, while others are in nothing. I believe this is for the girl. I am following You.
We then, go into the building we have spent the last few days in and run down the very dark stairwell. You give the door a big push and we spill out into the bright sunlight on the street. We are laughing and enjoying everything. You grab my hand and lead me between two building ... like always there is nothing but the buildings themselves ... no dirt or rocks, no garbage or anything in the alley. We come out of the alley and run across another street into the next alley ... wow! I had no idea there was another street yet! We are headed north. When we emerge again we are at the bottom of the green, there is a soft grass and dirt road that is winding it's way west which then curves into the trees.
I am a little *scared inside, and I will explain this later, so I jump up on Your back to enter into where You are taking me. You are not in the least bothered, of course, and saunter with an easy stride towards the bend and the trees. I put my head down on my arm on Your shoulder... lol trying to get even closer to You. As we start the turn I see a sea of green. The trees now on both sides of the road are able to reach their branches over towards one another creating such a beautiful mottled canopy of light and green playing with one another in the breeze. My friend I have been praying for is nearby isn't she? Umhmm. I jump down and You hold my hand as we continue on. I am so dazzled by the beauty that I forget to breathe in the rich heady scent of what surrounds us. I hear water and You stop me. I cannot see where the path is going now but we aren't following it anymore. We enter the trees and brush and instantly it feels like we are in another world. Everything changes... light, perspective, sound, smell it's so amazing but we are not in here long ... as we walked, it was as if a path just revealed itself as we walked forward. Just as suddenly we enter a clearing with the most beautiful pool and the rocks that are on the one side to a ledge higher up is the source of the pool's water. It isn't a rushing waterfall but a quiet and constant one. The water trickles and falls and moves with soft voices all the way down to the pool. There you are my friend... in the sun, eyes closed in a very deep rest. I look at where we have come from and am not surprised, really, to see a very worn path that without a doubt Your feet know well. I walk a little closer to the water's edge and sit on a low flat rock. You move close to her and sit alongside her. You gently take her hand and I see her automatically shift closer... laying her head against the front of Your shoulder.
Like I have seen so many times before, Your lips are moving as You speak right to her heart and soul, I hear nothing but know they will hit their mark. In the reverence of the moment I bow on my knees and let my heart swell with all that is within ... my devotion, my love, my awe, my all. Holy, Holy, Holy, let not one Word fall to the ground ever... so surround her with Your protective hands that the ministry and healing that happens here will never leave her but leave her changed forever. Holy, Holy, Holy, let Your very presence literally soak in and saturate her... oh that she would know such a depth of freedom in You. Holy, Holy, Holy.
*dearest Reader I will now explain my fear. Even after all the times I have met with Jesus there are moments that I know without a doubt a place is not a result of my imagination at all... in those moments I become afraid. Jesus is taking me somewhere I didn't see coming or cannot even fathom or dream up what could be behind that door or around that corner. In these moments in my utter lack of control besides the decision of going forward or not; I am at His mercy and all the insecurities swell up and I fear ... who am I? what if I can't handle it? what if I don't see? You know what? God can feel scary. He is huge and beyond my comprehension. And yes I know who I am in Jesus but I also know who I am and that, my friend, is cause for great fear when in the presence of Him.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
July 10/11... journal entry.
How is she this morning Jesus?
I don't see her at the window but both our windows have remained open all night. The morning air is brisk but is laced with morning blossoms and newness. I breathe in deep as I scan the buildings and the streets for her. But inside I know she is still in the room, hopefully, curled up sleeping. My mind wants to bound and skip ahead but I reign it in, lol, and look up at You. You are standing beside the window now. I look around the room we are in and interestingly there are only 2 pieces of furniture, a couch and a huge comfy arm chair. There are a few candles here and there that have obviously been burned almost to the end. A blanket lays recklessly off the end of the couch and really that is all. As our eyes meet I see that gleam and it makes me smile I can't wait to hear what You are thinking.
I know this may seem odd to ask and I really think I'll understand both ways but am I allowed a hug when we are here for her? I mean I am in Your presence which is an unimaginable and rich a gift as anything... huh... it makes me think of the prodigal son's brother. He didn't even see the blessing of his life lived and working alongside his father. His blessing was so far reaching and all he'd ever really known that he didn't even see it anymore and literally begrudged his brother's return and susequent acceptance ... and even though his brother was restored to his father the issues and consequences of his life would still have to be worked through and dealt with. That also makes me think of the woman who wept and kissed Your feet wiping them with her hair and You asking who would love You more, the one whom had many sins forgiven or just a few ... perhaps it is the now fervored love of one restored that reignites the one that has remained in Your bosom ... challenging us to open our eyes anew and really see what is happening, where we are existing, whose home we live in.
How is she this morning Jesus?
I don't see her at the window but both our windows have remained open all night. The morning air is brisk but is laced with morning blossoms and newness. I breathe in deep as I scan the buildings and the streets for her. But inside I know she is still in the room, hopefully, curled up sleeping. My mind wants to bound and skip ahead but I reign it in, lol, and look up at You. You are standing beside the window now. I look around the room we are in and interestingly there are only 2 pieces of furniture, a couch and a huge comfy arm chair. There are a few candles here and there that have obviously been burned almost to the end. A blanket lays recklessly off the end of the couch and really that is all. As our eyes meet I see that gleam and it makes me smile I can't wait to hear what You are thinking.
I know this may seem odd to ask and I really think I'll understand both ways but am I allowed a hug when we are here for her? I mean I am in Your presence which is an unimaginable and rich a gift as anything... huh... it makes me think of the prodigal son's brother. He didn't even see the blessing of his life lived and working alongside his father. His blessing was so far reaching and all he'd ever really known that he didn't even see it anymore and literally begrudged his brother's return and susequent acceptance ... and even though his brother was restored to his father the issues and consequences of his life would still have to be worked through and dealt with. That also makes me think of the woman who wept and kissed Your feet wiping them with her hair and You asking who would love You more, the one whom had many sins forgiven or just a few ... perhaps it is the now fervored love of one restored that reignites the one that has remained in Your bosom ... challenging us to open our eyes anew and really see what is happening, where we are existing, whose home we live in.
Friday, January 20, 2012
July 9/11... journal entry.
Morning Jesus so I heard through the grapevine that You were talking about me :) Love You too. In fact I am actually feeling that welling up inside and I can't describe just how much I love that and want to thank You for it! (Learning lesson slowly hehehe) I guess I really just wanted to start this day out looking at You.
We are sitting on the ledge of an open window, the kind where they whole window opens up like doors... the light drapes are billowing silently into the room behind us. There is a walkway outside kind of like a fire escape wrought iron railing and only the width of a couple of people. I sit with my knees drawn up and my arms wrapped around them my back against the window frame I sometimes look out and around but then always come back to You. You have this air of comfort where ever You are. There is never doubt or worry to be read in Your face or body language... just an assured contentedness and control. You make me feel so safe. Now that I am thinking about it You say so very much without words... I just need to pay attention.... keep my eyes on You.
Most of the day has past now since I wrote that but I would love to return even for a few moments. I believe I know where we are Jesus. I think we are on the upper floor of the building we came into and had that meeting with all those others. That seems so long ago. This window faces north and it seems from the view that the ground gradually rises as it heads north which eventually leads to the hill top with the fountain and pool. The row of buildings across the street are a variety of heights... of some I can see the roof tops others only a row of blank windows stare back at me. This city is quite something for nothing is here that doesn't have meaning.
This has many times been a place where we have met with others... is there someone with us now? I see You raise Your arm and point across the street to a window similar to ours. Funny how I never saw her before but she sits almost hidden in the shadows at the edges. Her eyes don't look up she looks very alone and at the moment, kind of lost... in what I can only presume is a swirl of negative thoughts and emotion. I glance up to Your face to see what You are saying or thinking. I see a wistful longing cross Your face as You turn to look into my face. I also see Your mouth turn up into a half smile and although there is a sadness touching Your eyes I also see an eternal determination, a resolute calm. She sinks a little lower now laying her head on her crossed arms facing the opposite direction. You close Your eyes now and so softly I hear You begin to sing. A melody so pure and sweet that resonates with love so thick it would drip like honey off the notes. I move closer to You and then, I too, close my eyes feeling the music. You sing. With reverence of this Holy moment I reach out tentatively till my fingertips touch Your clothing. I let my heart and soul reach out to join Your music and I add what harmony I can more as a response than an addition but it comes from Your Spirit within me without a doubt. I have no idea what she hears but something is carried along with the breeze I am sure. A scent of night flowers drifts down from somewhere and I smell it come and go on the occasional breeze. The sun starts to sink which casts the stark contrast of a bright sun against the growing navy and purple bruising of shadows. The light becomes so warm in color as it dances and changes so fast in the west. It's touch so gentle and quick but with a power that changes the color of the buildings, streets and everything in it's path.
Morning Jesus so I heard through the grapevine that You were talking about me :) Love You too. In fact I am actually feeling that welling up inside and I can't describe just how much I love that and want to thank You for it! (Learning lesson slowly hehehe) I guess I really just wanted to start this day out looking at You.
We are sitting on the ledge of an open window, the kind where they whole window opens up like doors... the light drapes are billowing silently into the room behind us. There is a walkway outside kind of like a fire escape wrought iron railing and only the width of a couple of people. I sit with my knees drawn up and my arms wrapped around them my back against the window frame I sometimes look out and around but then always come back to You. You have this air of comfort where ever You are. There is never doubt or worry to be read in Your face or body language... just an assured contentedness and control. You make me feel so safe. Now that I am thinking about it You say so very much without words... I just need to pay attention.... keep my eyes on You.
Most of the day has past now since I wrote that but I would love to return even for a few moments. I believe I know where we are Jesus. I think we are on the upper floor of the building we came into and had that meeting with all those others. That seems so long ago. This window faces north and it seems from the view that the ground gradually rises as it heads north which eventually leads to the hill top with the fountain and pool. The row of buildings across the street are a variety of heights... of some I can see the roof tops others only a row of blank windows stare back at me. This city is quite something for nothing is here that doesn't have meaning.
This has many times been a place where we have met with others... is there someone with us now? I see You raise Your arm and point across the street to a window similar to ours. Funny how I never saw her before but she sits almost hidden in the shadows at the edges. Her eyes don't look up she looks very alone and at the moment, kind of lost... in what I can only presume is a swirl of negative thoughts and emotion. I glance up to Your face to see what You are saying or thinking. I see a wistful longing cross Your face as You turn to look into my face. I also see Your mouth turn up into a half smile and although there is a sadness touching Your eyes I also see an eternal determination, a resolute calm. She sinks a little lower now laying her head on her crossed arms facing the opposite direction. You close Your eyes now and so softly I hear You begin to sing. A melody so pure and sweet that resonates with love so thick it would drip like honey off the notes. I move closer to You and then, I too, close my eyes feeling the music. You sing. With reverence of this Holy moment I reach out tentatively till my fingertips touch Your clothing. I let my heart and soul reach out to join Your music and I add what harmony I can more as a response than an addition but it comes from Your Spirit within me without a doubt. I have no idea what she hears but something is carried along with the breeze I am sure. A scent of night flowers drifts down from somewhere and I smell it come and go on the occasional breeze. The sun starts to sink which casts the stark contrast of a bright sun against the growing navy and purple bruising of shadows. The light becomes so warm in color as it dances and changes so fast in the west. It's touch so gentle and quick but with a power that changes the color of the buildings, streets and everything in it's path.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
journal entry...July 7/11
This word pad is Yours and mine inbox I figure. Well I could use more than a message after my errant ways lately. Jesus I love You crazy much. I also figure that You know where I am so my prayer is please help me find You.
I run up behind you two and already You are on Your feet coming towards me with Your arms outstretched to swoop me up. I hold on tight with a grip that resonates with a touch of hysteria and desperation. It's been so long Jesus is all I can mumble out between my tears. Then as quick as the words come out we are still and You are holding my face in Your hands...I was always here Tam You just weren't listening or looking or reaching out and even though all You see, for the most part, is the pain and frustration of these times, I see the bigger picture and plan and although the road isn't always desired it is what it is. What do You choose to do with all that happens? What do You allow to speak to you? Teach you? What turns into conviction and desire? What pushes you way out into the unknown and far away for comfortableness? I ache each moment you don't look at Me and you know why that is... because of the way I love You. I feel deep jealousy for you ... I can't see through my tears anymore so I close my eyes and feel Your finger brush away my tears. You pull me back in for a hug and hold me. After a bit I hear You chuckle and I cannot help but respond in the same way.
So what is with the stack of sheets? What is it that I already know? What was familiar about this go around? Well it smacked of my lent lesson for sure, my absolute lack of ability to do what I wanted to do or what I knew I should be doing. Which equates essentially to my complete dependence on You. Now I would ask why the same lesson again... but I think it must be a further learning to exist knowing this so that it becomes one of those foundational things that is firmly established in where You are taking me or steering me? Or better put so I remember I am not in control You are. Lol to exist in reality not illusion.
This word pad is Yours and mine inbox I figure. Well I could use more than a message after my errant ways lately. Jesus I love You crazy much. I also figure that You know where I am so my prayer is please help me find You.
I run up behind you two and already You are on Your feet coming towards me with Your arms outstretched to swoop me up. I hold on tight with a grip that resonates with a touch of hysteria and desperation. It's been so long Jesus is all I can mumble out between my tears. Then as quick as the words come out we are still and You are holding my face in Your hands...I was always here Tam You just weren't listening or looking or reaching out and even though all You see, for the most part, is the pain and frustration of these times, I see the bigger picture and plan and although the road isn't always desired it is what it is. What do You choose to do with all that happens? What do You allow to speak to you? Teach you? What turns into conviction and desire? What pushes you way out into the unknown and far away for comfortableness? I ache each moment you don't look at Me and you know why that is... because of the way I love You. I feel deep jealousy for you ... I can't see through my tears anymore so I close my eyes and feel Your finger brush away my tears. You pull me back in for a hug and hold me. After a bit I hear You chuckle and I cannot help but respond in the same way.
So what is with the stack of sheets? What is it that I already know? What was familiar about this go around? Well it smacked of my lent lesson for sure, my absolute lack of ability to do what I wanted to do or what I knew I should be doing. Which equates essentially to my complete dependence on You. Now I would ask why the same lesson again... but I think it must be a further learning to exist knowing this so that it becomes one of those foundational things that is firmly established in where You are taking me or steering me? Or better put so I remember I am not in control You are. Lol to exist in reality not illusion.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Journal entry...June 15/11
Jesus I have a sick feeling in my stomach and I don't know why. What am I so unsure of? Or afraid of? My day is essentially mapped out... wow this is unsettling. Hmmm.
I feel You come up behind me and hold onto me. We stand here looking out over the edge. Oh wow I know where we are! I have missed coming here so much, in some ways almost afraid of what I am missing by not being here with You.
I soak up the fact that You are here with me... I realized earlier today that I am continually learning that I need to let You be God no matter what that means... whether it means a difference in revelation and meeting, going through whatever trial whether I know the reason or not even if it is for myself or another. But then I wondered if my desire to meet You this way is me trying to control You? Really? And in the light of the past months what do you really think?
Lol... that I am so far from control and I feel a desperately deep amount of relief and gratitude when You allow us to meet so intimately.
Your arms fall away as You come alongside me. I join You as we sit side by side on the edge of this .... what is it really? A canyon? A valley? A cliff? The sheer drop suggests canyon but everything is carpeted in such beauty. Rolling greens in innumerable shades framing the rambling river at the bottom. I know the majesty of the trees here as we have been through here before but from here they are so small the tops shifting in the breeze moved by Your unseen hand.
It's beautiful.
Yeah it is. We spend alot of time on edges and cliffs lol. Is it because when I am beside You they are just so beautiful and full of purpose and delight? All that unknown I am not yet touching but You are inviting me into? You make me brave. Your head tilts back as You laugh aloud.
And do you know what is cool about that... alot of your bravery is blind. Yes, you are getting to know Me more and more but you take leaps off just trusting that I am in it.
And yet the more I learn about You the more I realize how little I have trusted in You and it is crazy and maddening... sorry Jesus. You touch my face tenderly looking deep into my eyes, holding my gaze for a long time.
Jesus I have a sick feeling in my stomach and I don't know why. What am I so unsure of? Or afraid of? My day is essentially mapped out... wow this is unsettling. Hmmm.
I feel You come up behind me and hold onto me. We stand here looking out over the edge. Oh wow I know where we are! I have missed coming here so much, in some ways almost afraid of what I am missing by not being here with You.
I soak up the fact that You are here with me... I realized earlier today that I am continually learning that I need to let You be God no matter what that means... whether it means a difference in revelation and meeting, going through whatever trial whether I know the reason or not even if it is for myself or another. But then I wondered if my desire to meet You this way is me trying to control You? Really? And in the light of the past months what do you really think?
Lol... that I am so far from control and I feel a desperately deep amount of relief and gratitude when You allow us to meet so intimately.
Your arms fall away as You come alongside me. I join You as we sit side by side on the edge of this .... what is it really? A canyon? A valley? A cliff? The sheer drop suggests canyon but everything is carpeted in such beauty. Rolling greens in innumerable shades framing the rambling river at the bottom. I know the majesty of the trees here as we have been through here before but from here they are so small the tops shifting in the breeze moved by Your unseen hand.
It's beautiful.
Yeah it is. We spend alot of time on edges and cliffs lol. Is it because when I am beside You they are just so beautiful and full of purpose and delight? All that unknown I am not yet touching but You are inviting me into? You make me brave. Your head tilts back as You laugh aloud.
And do you know what is cool about that... alot of your bravery is blind. Yes, you are getting to know Me more and more but you take leaps off just trusting that I am in it.
And yet the more I learn about You the more I realize how little I have trusted in You and it is crazy and maddening... sorry Jesus. You touch my face tenderly looking deep into my eyes, holding my gaze for a long time.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
June 13/11 Journal entry, number two
I don't know Jesus.
I have lost and gained ... lost again and gained even more.
When I look at my road I think one of my biggest gains is the freedom You have given me in Your Spirit. The hurt I carried for so many years I am coming to believe is actually gone. Not gone in the sense it didn't happen nor that I don't remember how it felt... but the need to be heard and for them to understand and feel remorse. I am free from that I believe. How? Cause it is what it is. You are God... I am not... nor are they.
When I want to be heard and understood, when I want to be loved perfectly... I come to You. When I need acceptance and approval it is Yours I want. I cannot love You Jesus if I do not forgive and let go of putting that expectation of perfection on those in my life.
I have a chance to love all those in my life for this time here. Some are easy, some not. Some are accepted and liked by alot of others while others are rejected... it is tough when some of those rejecting are within the body but even those that are not hold weight and sway. But here is what my heart is saying... so what? I have anywhere from a day to 30 plus years left to live... why not make it my mission to love as many as I possibly can within my time here. Accepting all reprecussions and results for what they are ... I know You can enable me to love regardless. Regardless of even my own hurt. I know You can help me see people as they are... beautiful in the face of imperfection, remarkable in their diversities, as treasured and loved by You. I don't need to put anything on the people in my life. They don't need to be You, You'll do that. Because I don't need to be about me... other's don't have to either. Now there's a freeing thought and it makes me laugh deep inside somewhere.
I have lost and gained ... lost again and gained even more.
When I look at my road I think one of my biggest gains is the freedom You have given me in Your Spirit. The hurt I carried for so many years I am coming to believe is actually gone. Not gone in the sense it didn't happen nor that I don't remember how it felt... but the need to be heard and for them to understand and feel remorse. I am free from that I believe. How? Cause it is what it is. You are God... I am not... nor are they.
When I want to be heard and understood, when I want to be loved perfectly... I come to You. When I need acceptance and approval it is Yours I want. I cannot love You Jesus if I do not forgive and let go of putting that expectation of perfection on those in my life.
I have a chance to love all those in my life for this time here. Some are easy, some not. Some are accepted and liked by alot of others while others are rejected... it is tough when some of those rejecting are within the body but even those that are not hold weight and sway. But here is what my heart is saying... so what? I have anywhere from a day to 30 plus years left to live... why not make it my mission to love as many as I possibly can within my time here. Accepting all reprecussions and results for what they are ... I know You can enable me to love regardless. Regardless of even my own hurt. I know You can help me see people as they are... beautiful in the face of imperfection, remarkable in their diversities, as treasured and loved by You. I don't need to put anything on the people in my life. They don't need to be You, You'll do that. Because I don't need to be about me... other's don't have to either. Now there's a freeing thought and it makes me laugh deep inside somewhere.
In a rowboat with Jesus
June13/11 Journal.
Feeling a little lost this morning... I just need to put one foot in front of the other. Last night when I was trying to go to sleep I couldn't get that line out of my head... 'He is jealous for me'... I thought about what that meant.
We laid in the boat, out on the ocean, rocking with the waves at the mercy of the tide and the wind. I closed my eyes to think and sing and sleep. You let me rest my head on Your chest. I thought about Glenn's statement about Mary reaching out to touch Your feet. How that was a sign displaying 'You are my master, I am Your servant' and I thought of the times I too have reached out to touch Your feet. That desperate longing to never be out of Your presence, the 'if only' I could hold onto the hem of Your clothing. And You reach out Your hand.... to Mary... to me. It's hard to believe we can even function in the realization and awe of who You are and what You do ... the mercy You extend, the grace, the love.
And the small rowboat bobbed along. It's white coat fading and peeling from hours in the salty sea and being at the mercy of the wind and sun. Although not much to look at, it's steadfastness is evident in it's sturdy and uncompromised shape. It takes on whatever wave and gale come with it's ever present nod, needing only to be turned into the waves and wind by the hand of the captain.
As the dawn broke open in newness of day, dripping with color, I awoke. My Jesus still there waiting with laughing eyes as my thoughts scrambled to take it all in. I sat up to face Him and He moved to readjust without the slightest hitch to tell of hours spent motionless and waiting. I slide over and with a soul heavy with awe and thankfulness I bow my head onto His lap and whisper over and over thank You, thank You, my Jesus... my God. In a moment I feel Your hand lifting my face to Yours. I didn't stay here just because I am a good God. Faithful, merciful, loving, compassionate ... I also stayed because I wanted to. I love being with you... I love you. Why wouldn't I want to be with someone as crazy in love with me as you are? Your laughter rings out but the softness in Your eyes melts my heart again. I cannot help but laugh along but it is colored with the awe that Your words leave me reeling in.
Feeling a little lost this morning... I just need to put one foot in front of the other. Last night when I was trying to go to sleep I couldn't get that line out of my head... 'He is jealous for me'... I thought about what that meant.
We laid in the boat, out on the ocean, rocking with the waves at the mercy of the tide and the wind. I closed my eyes to think and sing and sleep. You let me rest my head on Your chest. I thought about Glenn's statement about Mary reaching out to touch Your feet. How that was a sign displaying 'You are my master, I am Your servant' and I thought of the times I too have reached out to touch Your feet. That desperate longing to never be out of Your presence, the 'if only' I could hold onto the hem of Your clothing. And You reach out Your hand.... to Mary... to me. It's hard to believe we can even function in the realization and awe of who You are and what You do ... the mercy You extend, the grace, the love.
And the small rowboat bobbed along. It's white coat fading and peeling from hours in the salty sea and being at the mercy of the wind and sun. Although not much to look at, it's steadfastness is evident in it's sturdy and uncompromised shape. It takes on whatever wave and gale come with it's ever present nod, needing only to be turned into the waves and wind by the hand of the captain.
As the dawn broke open in newness of day, dripping with color, I awoke. My Jesus still there waiting with laughing eyes as my thoughts scrambled to take it all in. I sat up to face Him and He moved to readjust without the slightest hitch to tell of hours spent motionless and waiting. I slide over and with a soul heavy with awe and thankfulness I bow my head onto His lap and whisper over and over thank You, thank You, my Jesus... my God. In a moment I feel Your hand lifting my face to Yours. I didn't stay here just because I am a good God. Faithful, merciful, loving, compassionate ... I also stayed because I wanted to. I love being with you... I love you. Why wouldn't I want to be with someone as crazy in love with me as you are? Your laughter rings out but the softness in Your eyes melts my heart again. I cannot help but laugh along but it is colored with the awe that Your words leave me reeling in.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Journal excerpt...June 11/11
It's kinda funny Jesus, sometimes I swear I come in and check my emails hoping that there is one from You. I have had my moments today but here's how I looked at it. I figured if I was going to accept things and people as it is and how they are then I need to do the same of myself. Now not to excuse anything but really what I cannot change or do over I can also let go and say that was a me moment and I can strive to go on and do better from there.
So how has Your day been? Want to hang out with me for a while...
It's kinda funny Jesus, sometimes I swear I come in and check my emails hoping that there is one from You. I have had my moments today but here's how I looked at it. I figured if I was going to accept things and people as it is and how they are then I need to do the same of myself. Now not to excuse anything but really what I cannot change or do over I can also let go and say that was a me moment and I can strive to go on and do better from there.
So how has Your day been? Want to hang out with me for a while...
Friday, January 13, 2012
June 10/11... Journal entry
Morning Jesus I feel the anticipation of meeting You this morning and I love it. Thank You for last night and even though I got only a little sleep it was good to talk out my real heart for You to express to You how deeply I feel and what I know is true.
Last night as You stroked my hair, while I wept out my love for You, I was brought back to that roof top in our city where at different times I've laid down my head on Your lap and cried out my hurt, my loneliness. However, last night, I thought I cannot even grasp Your compassion that You would comfort me while I cry for myself. Through experiences that were necessary for me to go through and not only that but good for me to go through for how else do we really die? But see and mourn ... eventually releasing and dying... only to then receive Your perspective, Your hope, Your purpose or in the absence of that just to know how close we really were at that moment.
Last night You also brought to mind three moments in my life. The first time was one afternoon sitting at my kitchen table, looking out the window at the clouds beyond thinking... You could come back right now and that would be (more than) okay with me. Pretty much everything surrounding me at that time were in shreds and pieces. It was around that kitchen table moment that I began to write and I haven't stopped since... spilling out my heart and hurt, my desire and passion to You line after line... from book to book then screen after screen.
The next moment you helped me remember was during a family vacation to Yellowstone National Park. One night I had a dream ... curiously after all these years I remember it with startling clarity. There was a line up of people anxious to get through a door, several of my family were in it I particularly remember my mom. Suddenly I was inside and it was a church. We were on pews, I was quite far in from the aisle and my father sat beside me. And then You came Jesus... and from all those that surrounded me it was me you were looking at and You came with Your arm outstretched... asking for my hand. You were choosing me... to marry. I remember a quick and excited exchange between You and my father and that was all.
The third moment was a few years later lying on the ground, broken, when my horse had reared and flipped on top of me. Even though I was struggling even to breath I remember looking up at the sky and thinking, yup, it happens just like this... death... and I am more than okay with that. As I remembered these moments I got to thinking of the order of them and that Yellowstone was in between these two. There was a difference between these two times but a similarity too... in the first I was broken inside done with myself and so purposefully giving myself, all of me, to You to come take over, rescue, and relieve. In the second I was broken outside but equally ready to give myself completely over to You, to Your plan and Your will even if it meant death. Something very profound came out of my time of (physical) brokenness. I had a chance to love the person I was sharing a room with in the hospital and it was almost entirely with a curtain between us... we talked about the deeper things of life, we talked about Jesus and I remember decidedly thinking afterwards. Jesus, I am more than willing to go through whatever You ask physically to have that honor of loving someone for You.
I have such a strong pull to keep returning to You today... I've really come for a hug. To hold and be held.
Time is desperately short but I cannot do anything for it. I should go back to work but I keep returning once again to You. I love You Jesus. I think if we were riding our horses just now it would be in the cool of the green forest... dappled light plays as the breeze bends the limbs of the giants that stand as if they are guardians of this path. I hear and smell running water singing nearby adding to the idyllic feel of these surroundings and we travel on. Sometimes at a reckless pace, laughing as the wind tears at our clothes and hair as we hold on to the pull of wild strength surging beneath us and the sound of the hooves hardly heard above the whistling wind. Then at times we walk and trot without order but in circles around one another gradually winding our way along. Most likely for me alone, a sudden hush blankets us as Your hand reaches out and brushes mine. I hear my own heart beat as I hold my breath... You swing Your horse around, holding my gaze then the circle completes itself as You come near and hold my hand. Hmmmm.
Morning Jesus I feel the anticipation of meeting You this morning and I love it. Thank You for last night and even though I got only a little sleep it was good to talk out my real heart for You to express to You how deeply I feel and what I know is true.
Last night as You stroked my hair, while I wept out my love for You, I was brought back to that roof top in our city where at different times I've laid down my head on Your lap and cried out my hurt, my loneliness. However, last night, I thought I cannot even grasp Your compassion that You would comfort me while I cry for myself. Through experiences that were necessary for me to go through and not only that but good for me to go through for how else do we really die? But see and mourn ... eventually releasing and dying... only to then receive Your perspective, Your hope, Your purpose or in the absence of that just to know how close we really were at that moment.
Last night You also brought to mind three moments in my life. The first time was one afternoon sitting at my kitchen table, looking out the window at the clouds beyond thinking... You could come back right now and that would be (more than) okay with me. Pretty much everything surrounding me at that time were in shreds and pieces. It was around that kitchen table moment that I began to write and I haven't stopped since... spilling out my heart and hurt, my desire and passion to You line after line... from book to book then screen after screen.
The next moment you helped me remember was during a family vacation to Yellowstone National Park. One night I had a dream ... curiously after all these years I remember it with startling clarity. There was a line up of people anxious to get through a door, several of my family were in it I particularly remember my mom. Suddenly I was inside and it was a church. We were on pews, I was quite far in from the aisle and my father sat beside me. And then You came Jesus... and from all those that surrounded me it was me you were looking at and You came with Your arm outstretched... asking for my hand. You were choosing me... to marry. I remember a quick and excited exchange between You and my father and that was all.
The third moment was a few years later lying on the ground, broken, when my horse had reared and flipped on top of me. Even though I was struggling even to breath I remember looking up at the sky and thinking, yup, it happens just like this... death... and I am more than okay with that. As I remembered these moments I got to thinking of the order of them and that Yellowstone was in between these two. There was a difference between these two times but a similarity too... in the first I was broken inside done with myself and so purposefully giving myself, all of me, to You to come take over, rescue, and relieve. In the second I was broken outside but equally ready to give myself completely over to You, to Your plan and Your will even if it meant death. Something very profound came out of my time of (physical) brokenness. I had a chance to love the person I was sharing a room with in the hospital and it was almost entirely with a curtain between us... we talked about the deeper things of life, we talked about Jesus and I remember decidedly thinking afterwards. Jesus, I am more than willing to go through whatever You ask physically to have that honor of loving someone for You.
I have such a strong pull to keep returning to You today... I've really come for a hug. To hold and be held.
Time is desperately short but I cannot do anything for it. I should go back to work but I keep returning once again to You. I love You Jesus. I think if we were riding our horses just now it would be in the cool of the green forest... dappled light plays as the breeze bends the limbs of the giants that stand as if they are guardians of this path. I hear and smell running water singing nearby adding to the idyllic feel of these surroundings and we travel on. Sometimes at a reckless pace, laughing as the wind tears at our clothes and hair as we hold on to the pull of wild strength surging beneath us and the sound of the hooves hardly heard above the whistling wind. Then at times we walk and trot without order but in circles around one another gradually winding our way along. Most likely for me alone, a sudden hush blankets us as Your hand reaches out and brushes mine. I hear my own heart beat as I hold my breath... You swing Your horse around, holding my gaze then the circle completes itself as You come near and hold my hand. Hmmmm.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
journal excerpts...June 9/11
Hey Jesus... I am craving just silence and You. So after cleaning up a few more chores I figured I'd stop in word wise and see if You wanted to meet or tell me anything.
The picture of the lake last night is still vividly clear. But of course it always looks different in the daylight. It got me wondering about the city. Why haven't we been there for such a long time? Jesus? Hmmm. You are taking in alot and although you feel quite self centered my plan is bigger than what it seems. What walls fall down when your picture of Me is radically fuller? When you allow Me to help you take some of that in... the change it wroughts within you affects everyone you are with too. Hey try this on for size... does the word leadership scare you anymore?
No. Not really . lol. Things seem more complicated right now... like I just can't sort out all that my mind is racing to grapple with and understand.
Yes.. but how cool was it when that one sentence from the sermon rang so clear to you that you actually and audibly went huh. Remember what you go through alot of the time is not about you at all but about Me and what I want to do through you and with you for others and for a bigger picture. Right. And I suppose that I will recognize those moments when they arrive and it will take the 'longevity' of the journey almost completely from memory in light of the gift it becomes whether for myself or completely for another.
I know this next statement (rant) is erroneous but I want to write it down anyways... why does it seem the bigger I comprehend You as, the more complicated it seems. Which in turn makes me drift away somewhat relationally because it seems like more than just us simply being in love with one another. It seems like how can it work simply when You are so much bigger than that? How blind was I? and why did You let us live like that for so long? Was I in error? And if I wasn't and that is a basis for relationship why am I feeling so distant now that You are revealing more instead of feeling closer to You?
I sent this statement to a friend who in turn shared an amazing perspective on it that in alot of ways felt like it was setting me free from the place I thought I had to remain exclusively in to gain a bigger revelation of who God is.
The personal Jesus who you know as intimate friend and lover is one and the same as the Cosmic Christ who sits on the throne of the universe. Your experience of Jesus as husband is much more intimate than it could ever be with Jesus as Lord on the Throne. The two different experiences are necessary revelations for different situations and needs. When you want intimacy, don't bother with Jesus' all powerful place on the universal throne. Meet him in the nuptial chamber. But there is a time to remember he is king ... when the world is falling apart and wicked empires are raging and mountains are shaking. When it feels like life is out of control, remember the look of confidence and competence as he scans our world from his throne.
Hey Jesus... I am craving just silence and You. So after cleaning up a few more chores I figured I'd stop in word wise and see if You wanted to meet or tell me anything.
The picture of the lake last night is still vividly clear. But of course it always looks different in the daylight. It got me wondering about the city. Why haven't we been there for such a long time? Jesus? Hmmm. You are taking in alot and although you feel quite self centered my plan is bigger than what it seems. What walls fall down when your picture of Me is radically fuller? When you allow Me to help you take some of that in... the change it wroughts within you affects everyone you are with too. Hey try this on for size... does the word leadership scare you anymore?
No. Not really . lol. Things seem more complicated right now... like I just can't sort out all that my mind is racing to grapple with and understand.
Yes.. but how cool was it when that one sentence from the sermon rang so clear to you that you actually and audibly went huh. Remember what you go through alot of the time is not about you at all but about Me and what I want to do through you and with you for others and for a bigger picture. Right. And I suppose that I will recognize those moments when they arrive and it will take the 'longevity' of the journey almost completely from memory in light of the gift it becomes whether for myself or completely for another.
I know this next statement (rant) is erroneous but I want to write it down anyways... why does it seem the bigger I comprehend You as, the more complicated it seems. Which in turn makes me drift away somewhat relationally because it seems like more than just us simply being in love with one another. It seems like how can it work simply when You are so much bigger than that? How blind was I? and why did You let us live like that for so long? Was I in error? And if I wasn't and that is a basis for relationship why am I feeling so distant now that You are revealing more instead of feeling closer to You?
I sent this statement to a friend who in turn shared an amazing perspective on it that in alot of ways felt like it was setting me free from the place I thought I had to remain exclusively in to gain a bigger revelation of who God is.
The personal Jesus who you know as intimate friend and lover is one and the same as the Cosmic Christ who sits on the throne of the universe. Your experience of Jesus as husband is much more intimate than it could ever be with Jesus as Lord on the Throne. The two different experiences are necessary revelations for different situations and needs. When you want intimacy, don't bother with Jesus' all powerful place on the universal throne. Meet him in the nuptial chamber. But there is a time to remember he is king ... when the world is falling apart and wicked empires are raging and mountains are shaking. When it feels like life is out of control, remember the look of confidence and competence as he scans our world from his throne.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Dearest Reader,
I am excited to share this month's of journals with you (I'll be hardpressed to only post one a day). For whatever the reason they seem significant somehow. I hope that you are able to meet with Jesus and I... He just kind of changes your life forever when you hang out with Him.
...June 8/11
Jesus I want to laugh and walk with You.
I want to sit on the shore of a big old lake as the sultry colors of evening fades into the inky darkness that is only punctuated by twinkling pin pricks of light... talking and listening , sharing everything inside with one another. Jesus I want to say Your Name out loud just so I can hear it answered with Your voice. I want to feel the thrill of a touch or the catch of my breath at that look. When an expression can not even come close of what is teetering within on the knife edge of a most messy revelation. The release, escapes in bursts of laughter, cause the only other thing would be tears.
In front of a fire we sit when that lull comes stealing every sound but the snapping of the fire. In moments like these, it's like my soul is desparately trying to catch up with what is happening... in the realization of whose I am I can't seem to string even two words together let alone drag in a breath without feeling the stifling pull of heaviness... the Holy awe sinks deeper with a humbling that cannot be expressed. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the dancing flames on my face. The breeze has claimed it's night hold on cooler air, heavy with the smell of dew... a renewing. Whenever the flames momentarily disappear the quick fingers of night reach out and touch my skin. And although the fire tries to cocoon me in a world of warmth and light I become more and more aware of what seems to be awakening around me. Even creation around us knows of Your presence and everything is sharper and clearer. The song of the frogs and crickets. The call of the night hawk. The brilliance of the stars and the moon waltzing with the passing clouds proudly casting shadows around us. And underneath it all is the faithful song of the lake lapping upon the rocky shore.... over and over... " Holy and Faithful One, Holy and Faithful One... " And still You sit. With an incomparable, patience You wait for me to gather myself enough to look at You once more. The only thing that pulls me away from Your eyes, is the smile that lights up in response to my look.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Journal entry...June 1/11
Morning Jesus... not much left of it. So I am at that place where good intentions and the feel of Your hand upon my heart is very heavy and the how question which begs for answers, inspiration and wisdom... time and energy; lest it be swept away with the wind that overwhelms and results in less than nothing ... perhaps even a barrenness that wasn't there before. I see the responsibility of leadership and the gravity of it's weight. And I don't want to fail You, I want to love You by dying and serving, dying and serving, loving with Your love not my own, dying and coming to know You more.
Morning Jesus... not much left of it. So I am at that place where good intentions and the feel of Your hand upon my heart is very heavy and the how question which begs for answers, inspiration and wisdom... time and energy; lest it be swept away with the wind that overwhelms and results in less than nothing ... perhaps even a barrenness that wasn't there before. I see the responsibility of leadership and the gravity of it's weight. And I don't want to fail You, I want to love You by dying and serving, dying and serving, loving with Your love not my own, dying and coming to know You more.
Journal excerpt... May 18/11
I know I only have a few minutes Jesus but I am again wondering about all the thoughts and lack of emotions that this time has brought me into. Being and feeling passionate is such a deep delight. But that is part of the point, I think, I would go so far as saying it is part of the refining or testing of my faith... not the existence of it but the depth of it.
Let's see, some of the incomplete thoughts are... don't demand of you a comfortable life - value knowing You more. When I don't feel You I am learning that You are still just as much there and that I need to learn to ask better questions... or look at situations from Your perspective. I need to understand what letting go of my own motives really looks like.
I know I only have a few minutes Jesus but I am again wondering about all the thoughts and lack of emotions that this time has brought me into. Being and feeling passionate is such a deep delight. But that is part of the point, I think, I would go so far as saying it is part of the refining or testing of my faith... not the existence of it but the depth of it.
Let's see, some of the incomplete thoughts are... don't demand of you a comfortable life - value knowing You more. When I don't feel You I am learning that You are still just as much there and that I need to learn to ask better questions... or look at situations from Your perspective. I need to understand what letting go of my own motives really looks like.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
a late night journal entry... May 12/11...
Had a good day Jesus. I really did and I know it is so due to You and Your merciful love and presence.
I am listening to the light patter of rain outside my window that is cracked open. It's You... the waft of rain fresh air coming in the window and the occasional tell tale noise of the vent on the roof ... the unbelievably strong wind of the last two days finally brought something in. It's You. Pretty cool, I can hear the singing chorus of the frogs, wow, do their voices carry. The pond down in the pasture is a far hike from the house.
Had a good day Jesus. I really did and I know it is so due to You and Your merciful love and presence.
I am listening to the light patter of rain outside my window that is cracked open. It's You... the waft of rain fresh air coming in the window and the occasional tell tale noise of the vent on the roof ... the unbelievably strong wind of the last two days finally brought something in. It's You. Pretty cool, I can hear the singing chorus of the frogs, wow, do their voices carry. The pond down in the pasture is a far hike from the house.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Jesus... I want to pursue You.
I want to live each day knowing that I have given all I can for You. Even when this will look like failure when really what I battle is self and what I think I want. I want to know that I fought. Jesus sometimes I feel like I am walking alone. In searching You out I find I am on a cliff's edge with only my echo accompanying me. The wind feels a little colder and the rocks that slip, fall down and down, cementing the thought of just how far away I am in place.
I keep walking along as the mountain on my right rises up in a sheer cliff face ... the heat of the sun is now coming off the rock to the degree that I pull my coat off and wrap it around my waist. The path my feet follow becomes one of no options... as the rock closes in and surrounds me it does so in a hard, unrelenting way. Even to turn around would feel risky... so I don't. I keep looking ahead while feeling the sheer drop on my left and impassible height to my right. Strangely, as the path winds it's way up and down and left and right, it holds a surprise for me ... in the slightest bend to the right I suddenly see ahead a cave just up from the trail. My chest tightens in the briefest of thoughts that You will meet me there. Finally reaching the spot I carefully turn to reach up the wall to grab ahold of anything. Finding a small opening I then find a foothold to help me up.
Suddenly You have ahold of my hands and pull me so easily up into the cave's opening. I immediately throw my arms around You not even waiting to look into Your eyes to see what You are saying. Jesus. My tears soak into Your shirt as I try to speak out of the jumble of thoughts racing too fast to catch. I just want to love You Jesus and I am scared that when I don't feel my passion for You and don't meet with You that You will think I don't love You... I always want to feel that first love passion for everything about You. The warmth of the sun on my back is nothing compared to the satisfaction and comfort of Your arms holding me. Finally I lean back to look up into Your face and I am met with such a look. It's a good thing You understand me and my thoughts better than I do ... and our soft laughter mixes with the fresh tears of relief that slip down. Without making me feel any release away from Your hold You shift me around to fit just under Your arm so that we are gazing out of the cave together. To take in what is before us I am stunned momentarily. I realize I am holding my breath when I hear Your low chuckle.
As I slowly exhale I wonder how... before us is the boldness and majesty of enormous boulders yet the fresh green of trees that stubbornly root themselves around and away from the sparkling water that falls with a relentless strength and beauty. Sunlight angles down making the green almost glow against a dark background and catching the spray of the water to reflect and bounce off of everything prisms of light. But I couldn't even hear the water when I was walking... I saw nothing but the bleak, barely changing color of the rock and slate on and beside my narrow path... But you kept of walking ... yes. You didn't know where or when or what... no. It was there even though you didn't feel it ... or see it... or make a move to look for it... yes it was. You sweep me up and settle me onto Your lap as You sit down at the mouth of the cave .... we are bathed in the sun's warmth. As our legs dangle down with the ease of freedom I let Your words sink in. So You know I love You? Yes. But how when I even question myself in the face of the actions or lack thereof? Because I know where you are... I understand where you are... and I see the big picture of the why and what will come out of it. How do You go through what You do for me? How I treat You? and I know that it is multiplied over and over by each one of Your Beloved. I ache for what we put You through. I see what you do not. I know beyond what you grasp. Keep tasting the love with which I love you... and you'll gain an insight only it can give. Jesus this is one of those moments. Perhaps we could stay here for a while?
I am coming to see something Jesus. I think I hear You. I feel something within that is a determination to love You despite it all... the narrow path may come in many forms and I am sure that I will be blind to differing degrees while walking them but really if what we have had in our relationship was all I would ever get (I know I am crazy to talk like that but I mean experientially) would I or could I continue to love You without reserve for the rest of my life? Yes I think so... where You met me this morning is showing me that despite what I see and feel there is so much more happening. And in the mercy and light of Your love You will continue to meet me even if it is never in the way I expect or think I need.
So I just want to check in with You one more time today it will be a busy rest of the day (what is left lol) but I want to love You so purposefully in it all.
I love You Jesus. I really, really love You.
...journal entry... May 6/11
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Journal entry... May 5/11
So Jesus how are You doing? I haven't been asking that enough in the past days and it feels weird I am sorry. I want to learn and take hold of You and what You have in store for us... I don't want to miss out and take the long hard detour road of self-centeredness if it is not necessary.
There is this peace and rest that seems to be tailing me. I like it alot. It's funny in the respect that it is distinctly separate from me... something that I am experiencing yet know I am not the source of it. Huh.
Besides managing the world and all our souls how are You? I don't want You to feel lonely today so here I am, where ever You are... I want to reach out and take Your hand and follow You around in all the things You are attending to. Yes, I want to go with You everywhere. To love You as You love. I will sit beside You ... I will return Your look with my smile and my love... I will just be present while You minister and take care of Your Beloved. I will sit and listen when we get a chance to be alone or just be quiet with one another... I will love You as best as I can.
So Jesus how are You doing? I haven't been asking that enough in the past days and it feels weird I am sorry. I want to learn and take hold of You and what You have in store for us... I don't want to miss out and take the long hard detour road of self-centeredness if it is not necessary.
There is this peace and rest that seems to be tailing me. I like it alot. It's funny in the respect that it is distinctly separate from me... something that I am experiencing yet know I am not the source of it. Huh.
Besides managing the world and all our souls how are You? I don't want You to feel lonely today so here I am, where ever You are... I want to reach out and take Your hand and follow You around in all the things You are attending to. Yes, I want to go with You everywhere. To love You as You love. I will sit beside You ... I will return Your look with my smile and my love... I will just be present while You minister and take care of Your Beloved. I will sit and listen when we get a chance to be alone or just be quiet with one another... I will love You as best as I can.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Journal entry...April 26/11
Okay Jesus now I have a new batch of questions with that lol. Maybe I'll jot a few down...
Is any one way of experiencing You better than another in light of the variety and complexity with which You created us? Then I go to the recent revelation (again) of... this life is NOT about me it is about You... and although this doesn't negate who I am or that I am of infinite value and loved beyond comprehension by You it is something that sheds a completely different light on life and living. For instance... if life is not about me but about You Your will becomes of paramount importance. Becoming who You want me to be (holy) weighs heavier over my own desires for myself and my life.
In fact becoming so entangled in relationship with You results in a 'I don't care what happens to me as long as You are seen and honored and known.' And if we are honoring Your call for us to live a servants of one another (washing another's feet lesson) would we not, instead of insisting that everyone follow what we know and experience, soak up as much of You as You enable us to and live this out in every way... giving You the opportunity to literally shine out of our lives and watch and see how You use our 'differences' not to divide us but give us a much fuller and beautiful picture of who You are and how You, in this way, reach out and touch so many more than we can imagine?
Okay Jesus now I have a new batch of questions with that lol. Maybe I'll jot a few down...
Is any one way of experiencing You better than another in light of the variety and complexity with which You created us? Then I go to the recent revelation (again) of... this life is NOT about me it is about You... and although this doesn't negate who I am or that I am of infinite value and loved beyond comprehension by You it is something that sheds a completely different light on life and living. For instance... if life is not about me but about You Your will becomes of paramount importance. Becoming who You want me to be (holy) weighs heavier over my own desires for myself and my life.
In fact becoming so entangled in relationship with You results in a 'I don't care what happens to me as long as You are seen and honored and known.' And if we are honoring Your call for us to live a servants of one another (washing another's feet lesson) would we not, instead of insisting that everyone follow what we know and experience, soak up as much of You as You enable us to and live this out in every way... giving You the opportunity to literally shine out of our lives and watch and see how You use our 'differences' not to divide us but give us a much fuller and beautiful picture of who You are and how You, in this way, reach out and touch so many more than we can imagine?
Monday, January 2, 2012
April 17/11
Day 40 of lent
Hey Jesus amazingly diverse day. I guess all par for the course. Especially of someone wanting more. I could have been content in my 'righteous' anger but I wasn't. That was most uncomfortable. Seeing a much accurate hindsight only minutes after the act was particularly painful. Why not just before than just after.
I want to jot a bit down about this year's lent to see if it makes sense. This whole walk and the set up to it has been very deep ... solemn in revelation a sharpening of focus of what is and the reality of self and just when I thought I was not coming anywhere familiar anytime soon a rescuing hand pulled me back into an embrace that I hungered for.
Coming into lent I was submersed in the battle between the echo of my flesh (the craver) and living as a slave to Christ. While I battled I was torn over and again about whether I was being offensive or just being lax in self discipline. (and whether that was wrong) But whether what I did was wrong at all the fact remained that I was not in control. My resolve throughout my life has remained pretty strong and has served me well many times but here it was pathetically weak, dare I say non-existent, most days. This shook me in many ways, my determination, my will was not enough. And so lent began while I felt slowly further and further from my very real and present Jesus. At the end of lent I have come to the decision that however Jesus and my Father want to reveal themselves I am content there regardless of what that looks and feels like. I will surrender my demand for what I know or what I am used to and be content instead not with the comfortable but in the fact that You are still present with me. My motives for my actions and thoughts are being laid bare and I have come to see that You and Your ways are infinitely better (whether I understand them or not) and I am so thankful that I know much more clearer now what decision I am really making. The impact of this revelation has hit me very profoundly.
Day 40 of lent
Hey Jesus amazingly diverse day. I guess all par for the course. Especially of someone wanting more. I could have been content in my 'righteous' anger but I wasn't. That was most uncomfortable. Seeing a much accurate hindsight only minutes after the act was particularly painful. Why not just before than just after.
I want to jot a bit down about this year's lent to see if it makes sense. This whole walk and the set up to it has been very deep ... solemn in revelation a sharpening of focus of what is and the reality of self and just when I thought I was not coming anywhere familiar anytime soon a rescuing hand pulled me back into an embrace that I hungered for.
Coming into lent I was submersed in the battle between the echo of my flesh (the craver) and living as a slave to Christ. While I battled I was torn over and again about whether I was being offensive or just being lax in self discipline. (and whether that was wrong) But whether what I did was wrong at all the fact remained that I was not in control. My resolve throughout my life has remained pretty strong and has served me well many times but here it was pathetically weak, dare I say non-existent, most days. This shook me in many ways, my determination, my will was not enough. And so lent began while I felt slowly further and further from my very real and present Jesus. At the end of lent I have come to the decision that however Jesus and my Father want to reveal themselves I am content there regardless of what that looks and feels like. I will surrender my demand for what I know or what I am used to and be content instead not with the comfortable but in the fact that You are still present with me. My motives for my actions and thoughts are being laid bare and I have come to see that You and Your ways are infinitely better (whether I understand them or not) and I am so thankful that I know much more clearer now what decision I am really making. The impact of this revelation has hit me very profoundly.
April 15/11
Day 38 of lent
Hey Jesus about to head back out to work. Have really been enjoying You in this day help me to stay extremely focused on You tonight please. Not to worry but to react and respond in Your nature, in Holiness. Well, shall we go?
A good work day for sure now I shall try to rescue this house lol... consume my thoughts while I do all these daily things.
Day 38 of lent
Hey Jesus about to head back out to work. Have really been enjoying You in this day help me to stay extremely focused on You tonight please. Not to worry but to react and respond in Your nature, in Holiness. Well, shall we go?
A good work day for sure now I shall try to rescue this house lol... consume my thoughts while I do all these daily things.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
April 14/11
Day 37 of lent
Morning Jesus, although we only had the briefest of moments last night I am so thankful for it. It is interesting how You have worked everything out for tonight and I appreciate again Your deep thoughtfulness for such minute things. A new day and one where the snow is falling once again. I find it quite comforting. Lol surprise, surprise. Jesus I sure would appreciate You sorting out my thoughts today... help me go in Your direction alone...
Where were we last night?
Sitting at a big wooden table. It was light all around so we were surrounded I assume by many windows. It felt a bit like the Ford's place but different.
I have half a cup of hot iced tea and I want to spend these few minutes with You too. What would You like to talk about Jesus? Maybe we could just sit awhile. Yah... that'd be just right.
And so we sit.
At first just side by side, we are on our bench but the snow is falling all around us. As we watch the flakes silently drift down You reach over and hold my hand, intertwining Your fingers with mine. I unconsciously respond by resting my head on Your shoulder. Stop worrying. Respond as I lead You. Do as I have taught You but by worrying you are trying to solve and figure it out on your own. Stop it. Did I do anything on my own? No. I shake my head trying to dispel the dregs of all my musing and worry and fretting . Choosing to let the voices fade to the background I look up at You. Your face is very serious but Your eyes are alive with emotion and attention, nothing hidden from Your gaze. And yet I do not desire to look away but want to be seen by You. After a while You gently pull me back towards You, to rest my head once again on Your shoulder. Everything is so quiet I can almost hear the patter of the snowflakes coming to rest wherever the stirring of the wind has chosen for them to go.
Day 37 of lent
Morning Jesus, although we only had the briefest of moments last night I am so thankful for it. It is interesting how You have worked everything out for tonight and I appreciate again Your deep thoughtfulness for such minute things. A new day and one where the snow is falling once again. I find it quite comforting. Lol surprise, surprise. Jesus I sure would appreciate You sorting out my thoughts today... help me go in Your direction alone...
Where were we last night?
Sitting at a big wooden table. It was light all around so we were surrounded I assume by many windows. It felt a bit like the Ford's place but different.
I have half a cup of hot iced tea and I want to spend these few minutes with You too. What would You like to talk about Jesus? Maybe we could just sit awhile. Yah... that'd be just right.
And so we sit.
At first just side by side, we are on our bench but the snow is falling all around us. As we watch the flakes silently drift down You reach over and hold my hand, intertwining Your fingers with mine. I unconsciously respond by resting my head on Your shoulder. Stop worrying. Respond as I lead You. Do as I have taught You but by worrying you are trying to solve and figure it out on your own. Stop it. Did I do anything on my own? No. I shake my head trying to dispel the dregs of all my musing and worry and fretting . Choosing to let the voices fade to the background I look up at You. Your face is very serious but Your eyes are alive with emotion and attention, nothing hidden from Your gaze. And yet I do not desire to look away but want to be seen by You. After a while You gently pull me back towards You, to rest my head once again on Your shoulder. Everything is so quiet I can almost hear the patter of the snowflakes coming to rest wherever the stirring of the wind has chosen for them to go.
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