March 21/11
Day 13 of lent

   So I have a little left over from last night's regrets but I cannot undo or erase any of it. So Jesus could You forgive me for my lack of good judgement and continue to help me learn the greater lessons. I think my dreams reflected my mood and they were a drag to wake up to as well. Sigh. I don't even know what to write.

   Quite a few hours later I have had one epiphany. What I am feeling was exactly like the youth group mess up feeling. Okay so once I realized that it all kinda clicked into place. Just as I need to make judgement calls and be obedient to what You are asking me to do despite any and all emotional issues.  Choosing instead to live only for You and in You. I am also asked to do the same with my family. Sometimes I cave when I just want everyone to be happy / make the situation as comfortable as possible OR sometimes I avoid issues to avoid confrontation. What I choose to do and how I handle myself is just as important at home as in a specific ministry I need to stop being about my own comfort and safety and live in You and in Your freedom. It took watching a movie to catch all that clearly. Curious I know but it equally makes all the sense in the world. In feeling what a character is faced with and going through I often apply it as if it were my own situation I weigh or realize huh that is similar to this. In taking that step back I was able to actually see.

The heaviness is gone but the lesson is not. Thanks Jesus

March 18/11
Day 10 of lent

   Well I woke up this morning with the distinct feeling that You were still holding me. Huh. Also of note was the Scripture that Bailey brought up. About discipline of all things. hahaha. Hebrews 12. I am going to slip out and do chores but before I went I just wanted to say thank You Jesus for still holding onto me. This day has all sorts of potential for needing You this closely. (this desperately) I'll be right back.

    Well it has now been quite a while but a good while. Jesus I love You. Interesting. There is so many little things about our relationship that are both subtle and powerful. The way I want to meet with You but can't in the worldly definition... The way Your sacrifice extends from the cross onwards... You too long for me (us) too and yet must wait in ways that must at times be torturous. Actually because of the true nature of Your love the separation between us must be hard all the time. Huh. It only makes me love You deeper. Jesus I want to love You back with the love You lavish on me. I want to choose to do it... so I will again lay my life down to do it. When it doesn't make sense that You can love me or really be there for me... You find a way. When I wonder how You'd protect me and look out for me without being physical... You prove it over and again. When I am overwhelmed with actually wanting to be with You ... You tell me how deeply You want that too. When I think I've had to handle alot .... You've borne more.

March 17/11
Day 9 of lent... part 2

    So Jesus, even though it's the same day I needed a new page I don't want to think right now. I just want to be with You. I know that I probably will be interrupted in a few minutes but I wanted to take this time to tell You that. I need You to be my comfort thing. Not that anything has gone badly today except my losing my temper... sorry about that.

   If I was wrapped up in Your arms right now, I would be okay with You telling me You weren't going to fix this. If I were in Your arms right now, I would think instead about how much I need You inside me to deal with each moment that is coming...  despite whether it is good or bad. If I were in Your arms, I would sigh with relief and I would breathe You in. I think I would feel my weakness in Your arms.  I would feel my weariness. But I think I would feel something more... as I gave over my own solutions, my worry, concern over myself and wondering what was coming... I would feel Your Spirit seeping in to fill in the place of things I was laying down. To tell the truth though, I don't think even this would make me want to let go of You. I believe there would be a bit of desperation in my grip of not wanting to move from Your embrace.

  And then my tears start to spill.
    But I'm not letting go Tam. I know. So why do you feel fear even though you didn't want to type that word? Cause I don't want to lose this kind of connection with You... I'm not good at seeing or feeling lately. Really? Well... I guess that's not accurate, I am seeing and hearing but it's cause I keep messing up. But there is value in that right? Sadly I know the answer is yes. Is it any sweeter to meet me when things are going good and you are doing well than when you are feeling alone, lost, and sorry? No. Things get stripped away when I am struggling... I see that You are all I have and really want and desperately need. Yet it is You that I have hurt and gone away from or been in opposition to.

So what would make me 'feel' the most ... you stumbling or you actually seeing and running to Me, choosing Me? Me wanting You. 

I hear that hum in Your chest as You gently rock me in Your embrace.
  
   Don't be scared. Yah... I am Yours ... whom shall I fear. Not even the craver. So I have to ask ... why have you put off sending that email? I'm not really sure, surfacely. Huh. You might want to find that out. Are you going to offend someone? Will you create a division? Hard feelings? Will you be looked down upon? Disregarded? Not heard? Does any of that matter? Really? Could you hinder something by not sharing with the body something that's clearly important to you right now? Does a part of the body operate on it's own? Have I asked enough questions? lol... well I get the point... I'll be thinking about this for a while.

    March 17.11
    Day 9 of lent.

   So I move around the house doing chores waiting to meet with You because I am waiting to wake up. It makes no sense any way so I will come and see what You can do with me. lol. After one more distraction I set my fingers on the keyboard determined. I like what I am hearing in the 66 Love Letters book.  That You are more concerned with making me Holy and how I am relating to You (and others) than if my life is going well or is comfortable or if I am managing it well based on biblical principles. So even though it's not wrong to pray for things to be better I cannot be consumed or have that as my top priority. Instead I need to pursue You and look to You and to be filled with You. And keep that as my one thing. I would really like to meet with You today Jesus and I know, You know, what I mean. My Lent's main goal is to be making the decision to be with You instead of being drawn away by busyness, selfishness or laziness. I fall into the last two today being so tired but I want to meet You despite that so I can no longer use that excuse.
 
   Hey Jesus even though I do things by rout sometimes, could You please meet me there too? I don't think I am necessarily doing things out of obligation, guilt or just because it is the right thing to do anymore.. but I also don't want to become lazy or legalistic in the way I try to connect with You. Show me the depths of my heart, my motives I pray. Even if it's ugly and needs pruning I'd rather that than waste time and get further away from You. Wow I still need to wake up it's a tough one today lol. Maybe some tea and food would help or.... a sleep hahahaha.

    Just got in for lunch and I was trying to fit some learnings together. Your intimate, crazy generous love  and Your desire for our Holiness and that that isn't equated with what happens per say in our lives. I looked out my window and saw huge fluffy flakes floating down... You go to such lengths to love us and is it in there somewhere that the spirit of entitlement slips in? We flip from being humbled and awed that You would meet with us to if I am following You Jesus I should have alot of this love ... which we in turn equate with comfort, satisfaction in life, ease. I wonder if this is why our first love of You is what You long for us to return to ... because that is a time where we are enamoured and so focused and loving just You for You and who we are discovering that to be... it is later that our love twists in being agenda motivated.

well I'm headed back out to my shop any words Jesus?

March 14/11... journal entry...

Day 6.  Jesus, so I have managed in this lent so far to disobey Your leading in youth... Be closed off enough during a leadership meeting to only see my point of view and not understand where the actual leader was going. I have been delaying responding to an email and I think that this is spreading an effect inside myself by not being able to explain my point of view that makes me feel like the odd man out in a way and am more defensive overall. Not good. However... my own fault for not stepping up.  What is that? I can't seem to get my head in the game today so I want to ask You Jesus... please help me let go and focus on You as I do my daily work and chores. I need You.

    So.  What I know...

My desire for this lent is really to have conscious dedicated time to You everyday. Learning to have You as my comfort instead of what is physical and is around me. Letting go of coffee reminds me of that.

I know I want to learn to be more concerned with Holiness than to manage or be successful or comfortable. I don't know what steps You will take me through to get to that as a constant mindset?

If my mindset is right I will by default be living in Your Freedom.

If I am living in Your freedom that is saying that I am being led by Your Spirit.

If I am being led by Your Spirit I am also existing in You... I am in the Spirit.

If I am in the Spirit I display the fruits of Your Spirit.

Being a part of a body... we most often display more prominently different kinds of fruit.

If we recognize what fruit we tend towards we also can work more seamlessly together because we see where we fit together; where another leaves off as another fills in etc...

huh I wonder if that was where Mr. B was going at the leadership meeting lol? I kinda think so.

March 13/11 journal entry...Day 5 of lent. 
   Hi Jesus, don't really have any time left but I will sneak in a couple of sentences. So could You please come with me tonight?  Like really there? Please direct my thoughts, feelings and words to share. Jesus You are my one thing. Thank You for letting me share last night at worship. It was the right place. Well I guess we better hit the road.

Journal entry March 8/11...

Jesus so this is the last day before lent starts. What do You want me to let go of for 40 days?

   What have You been up to lately Jesus? Mostly trying to woo those I love closer to Me. Yah. Being willing to endure pain and loss and hurt for the time it takes till things are put right and more right than they ever could be any other way. The dark does serve a purpose doesn't it. Yes and ultimately to prove the light... even testify to it. What of the demons what of Satan? You created them as much as You created us and this world. Yes and if you deal with them (as with everything else) in the light of my power and freedom they serve to bring glory to My Name as well. For there is nothing more powerful than Me and having that proved over and over does what? So really is there anything you need to fear? I was going to say only being separated from You... but You have promised to not let go of me. But Jesus what of those that seem to lose You?  Does it not always really come down to what is inside their souls? What battle is going on in there? The war waged in the physical and spiritual realms although they come out as man against man or religion against beliefs but really is it? Although that vehicle is used even the arguments between brother and sister come from struggles within each one's soul. The battles that rage within each of you. What truth do you know? What lie have you believed? What fear lurks there and why? What lack of fear lives there and what is it proclaiming?

    How often will you take the time to look deep in your soul and challenge what has become rooted there... with no outside circumstance to push you to do it? How often do you weigh what you've allowed to live inside? If you are managing life and even if it becomes uncomfortable how long is it before you stop to listen to my voice, my Spirit leading you to see... your reaction of just trying harder to handle and control things is a powerful force that you've depended on or rather used most of your existence... but I am here to challenge that response. In challenging that response, I challenge everything about you. I challenge why you do what you do... and is that really working? I ask question after question so if you really do claim to believe that I AM well how are you living that proves that? What is the dominant emotion you live with daily?  Really? Is there an unanswered question inside you that you can never seem to reach the end of? Well why is that? Is there a unbalance of head knowledge and heart knowledge that creates a persistant unsettledness. And how does the voice of the craver (old self) manage to continually nag at it so that you are not willing to even try to settle it? How can what you claim to believe really be what you believe if you are too scared to live it?

    Then a perceived time of darkness comes. In a variety of forms. It pushes you to do something. Even if to only look.

    Okay so as I sit here is this maybe what You're saying to my lent question? Do you want me to let go of what represents my comfort things and commit to spend time daily to hearing You and speaking as You ask of me? What are my comfort things? Well coffee and my coffee milk. That seems so lame. Not enough of a sacrifice. Maybe it's not about what you're giving up but what you are committing to do. That is a hard thing because I know it I am totally unable to do it. I already know my own resolve will fail within the first week... so this lent time will be fulfilled only in the power of Your Spirit. So will this fulfill the purpose of lent? Let's see... depending upon Me to accomplish something which on the flip side means you are not depending on yourself... hmmm yup. And how about this for the bonus... letting Me become your comfort thing. Your treat. :)  

Day 2 of lent

   ...journal entry March 10/11

   Morning Jesus, so it's day two of lent... so much happened or didn't happen yesterday. Being completely shut down with that headache was wow. Couple of things I tried to remember ... despite circumstance I want to have my focus on You and what You require... that it's okay to pray for better circumstances but that doesn't allow for whining and the spirit of entitlement. I also, in the darkening of yesterday, asked You for something... and I still want to ask that today. Jesus it seems You are making it pretty clear that my need to look at what is actually within is crucial in stepping into You. The only way my focus, my desires become in step with Yours is to face and deal with, as You ask, the struggle within. Now I do not want to get into any theology here, I am living in You as a new man but I know the struggle that is warring between the craver and I and will continue to until I get to the end of my time here. So again I just want to ask, Jesus, please help me not care more for comfort or good management than for an absolute desire and hunger for You and working the working out of Holiness. Thanks.

   So Jesus You have definitely taken care of the physical today. My truck sits loaded and ready to deliver. My chores are done. My headache hasn't surfaced. And delightfully I have an hour to spend with You :) love that.

    Where are we Jesus? It feels like a long time since I've asked that. You are my cup of comfort this morning. How about I knock on Your door and wait for You to answer? I knock with enthusiasm and confidence. The smile that plays on my lips betray my thoughts of anticipation. The heavy door swings inwards and there You are. Would You like to join me Jesus? I hold out my hand and wait.. watching what crosses Your face. You seem as delighted as I feel. You grab my hand and step down the two steps but then in one fluid motion You swing around and swoop me up into Your arms holding me tight as we laugh and then breathe one another in. So gently You put me back on my feet and we rejoin hands and start walking You are excited when You point out the amazing sunrise and our senses soak in the details of a new day... the crisp bite of the air, the clear call of a chickadee, the light playing with color as it hits the ordinary and transforms it. We are walking up a path and although it is going somewhere there are just so many places along the way that call us to pause and see. To share and reveal what we are feeling and know. I think one of the most beautiful sounds is Your laughter ... what it invokes within myself is so deep. When I join in with You it is more of a soul laughter ... one of real freedom and how good that feels. Does it matter if no one ever understands you, really? In looking into Your eyes it really doesn't because if they do it'll be because You wanted to speak to them through me. If I give my whole self over to You there is no other motive left and because all I am is revolving and soaking in You... all the results do too. I don't have to be concerned with that anymore. Yes I will feel for what I am apart of and what I see what I witness and You will undoubtedly use that to call me in directions You want me to go. No Jesus, I don't care if I am ever understood by anyone as long as I KNOW You and that You understand all of me. You will (have to) become more than my cup of comfort lol. Our laughter seems to ring out so clear and far. Can I have a piggyback ride? Always you say with a chuckle. I jump up and we set off.

    Jesus ... when I was reading in John 12 I felt such a crazy strong feeling as I read about You coming into the city. I wondered... what would I feel if I was there and perhaps I know...

    I would have been desperate to see You, even to catch a glimpse of You amongst the crowd. Of course I would have wanted more, Your attention, Your words. In the mood cast during the preparation for Passover would have run two things I think... the high that a King was really present... a Messiah. (He raised that guy from the dead! who can argue that?) The other would have be just as real, as undeniable as a bad taste in your mouth, as fear stealthily snuck up behind you and worked it's way up your spine. Despite the loud Hosannas there was still fear and that, maybe, made the Hosannas all the louder. To drown out that whisper. Fear that something big was about to happen of universal and eternal importance and would I be ready? So many had constantly been looking over their shoulders to see if the Pharisees and their spies were there. Don't get me started in wondering which friend might betray me and report a conversation that was thought to be whispered safely. The constant weighing inside the soul of the risk of stepping out in faith of this Messiah, the inevitable fallout of consequences in be publicly bold. What about my family, my lifestyle, my security what use will I be when I am discarded by the ruling force of our culture? Yet undeniably it is held on the scale by the equally big fear that by not coming out and committing to it I may miss the biggest opportunity in my entire life and be left behind (cause look what He has done... remember what He has said ... and the power it all had and how it stirred something in the depths of my soul that has never been stirred before... I'll never forget when He looked right at me, I couldn't even breath right)

   Who has ever really thwarted the Pharisees? How do they hold this tight control over so many well look at the track record look at what they can do... What if I step out and they kill Him? what then? But what if He wins and I find myself on the wrong side? How would I ever pick up the pieces of my broken soul knowing that I really did know... and I chose wrong?

    I need to see Him! I need to see Him to tip this scale! Something happens when you get near Him ... what if I don't get near enough... GOD Help me get close enough!

    Pushing and being pushed amongst this now frenzied crowd I claw my way closer to the road. My breathing shallow and hard but not out of effort but out of the desperation inside the deepest part of my soul. I keep glancing up in my efforts to get nearer and then it's like all around me suddenly goes silent I see their mouths moving, bodies jostling but as my eyes meet Yours my sharp intake of breath is accompanied by that curious ring of silence. You are looking right at me. You. How? Me? You. Oh... it is You... God. I feel my legs begin to give out and the clamour all around me assaults my senses once again. I lose my balance as another seeks to get closer and by the time I right myself again I only see the back of His head. My soul is reeling in the sudden wave of awe and brokenness in the face of really knowing... I stand there, still, but before I will myself to go back I look again and in the briefest of moments He looks back and I see that flicker of a smile catch on His lips and light His eyes and then He is gone swallowed by the crowd and palm branches, the noise. I walk away in a stupor still reeling in what I now know and have decided.

    The grip with which I hold the truth would most likely, in the physical, leave my hands bloodied as I stubbornly refuse to release even in the slightest degree. I stopped whispering that day and when I looked around to see who was listening it wasn't in fear but almost in daring... who would hear me today? ((I Won't Back Down)) His words are still echoing inside...I remember the drop in my stomach when He said "The light is with you for a little longer. Walk while You have the light, so that the darkness may not overtake You. If You walk in the darkness, you do not know where you are going. While you have the light believe in the light, so that you may become children of light." The fear that flashed inside at His saying goodbye was instantly soothed by the thick promise of still being lead, the thrill in the freedom of knowing and the warmth of being part of His family. And even though I didn't have words for this at the time somewhere I knew.

    What happened next and the speed with which it all took place was nearly blinding. I'll never forget being swept along by that crowd that seemed possessed, hearing them scream over and over for Jesus' blood, His life... sickness washed over me as I realized what was in motion the taste of bile in my mouth at even the thought of His suffering... at first no words sounded from my lips but then the faint sound of my screaming "NO! You don't see No! No! Don't You get it... He really is God Wait!" fell hopelessly to the ground and was trampled over and again by the blind hate emanating from the crowd. Once again I was at the mercy of the crowd and was pushed along. The sound all around me that seemed so thick I should be able to touch it faded into a background blurr as my heart and soul cried out for Him. I dredged up all I could to put words to what my soul was screaming. Suddenly I became aware of someone holding my hand... hard. I looked up to see eyes that were filled with tears their mouth was moving even though I could not hear but I knew what they were saying. I knew... that they knew... that this was God. My own tears spilled over now but I returned the tight hold on my hand with a strength I didn't realize was there. 

March 2/11

   You aren't surprised by us.
 
   Jesus,I know that a little more all the time. In my bemoaning the feeling of failure earlier today I remember stating that I made You sad. Did I really? I also remember being asked that over and over by the prayer lady at the encounter weekend.... over my regret in past events. She seemed to sink it in a smidge that perhaps I didn't make You sad... that our failures are expected and as I think now, You've already made the necessary arrangements ... necessary sacrifices to atone for them all. I know the whole "it's not about me" lesson that continues to cycle over and again but I want to add something to it tonight... I don't control You. Not my sin, not my emotions, not anything. You know it all and have made not only the way... but You weave into and throughout it all threads of beauty and learning and change. Redemption that catches the light and sparkles back it breathtaking beauty or the turning of black and blood red threads into the greens of new growth blues of the open clear skies that go on and on...

   I want in Jesus. Wherever this boat is taking or teaching me I want to get all I can from this. I would love to see it from Your perspective ... perhaps this is a case of going through something to gain understanding or experience to serve and love someone else later on (cause it really isn't about me). Do You ever ask someone to endure something for another? Well I suppose if we are in the process of being You to those around us that would make sense to me. But I am not assuming I don't have something very important to learn through this experience too. I know that the depth and width of stuff I need to wade through to be able to know and draw closer to You is mind boggling. Ahh, better put... the pruning that needs to take place by Your hand is much.

   If we were to look down upon myself in that boat  right now I would think... I need to get to a thought, a realization... then all this time drifting will be more than worthwhile it will be the dark backdrop that contrasts the colors and shapes that take the forefront... that makes the deep beauty strike the onlooker that passes by.

   I turn to look at You. I reach out and take hold of Your hand... smiling I turn and lead You to a deep red cushy chair. I sweep out a hand of invitation to come and sit. You catch my smile and it becomes an honest laugh of joy as You move by me and sit down with a release of breath and a drawing in of the contentment or peace of sharing the unspoken. For a while I just sit at Your feet, being near. Then I lift Your foot and massage it rubbing in lotion and enjoying the scent that lingers in the air as I work to do my very best. After a time I rest Your foot on my lap and reach to start on the other one. So intent in what I am doing I realize I haven't even glanced up to see what You are thinking. I sneak a quick glance and Your eyes hold mine... the power You have in Your eyes is arresting. Really. I just want to love You Jesus... despite what I take myself through and where I allow the world to lead me it all seems to crumble and blow away in Your presence. All I want is You ... to love You. I cannot grasp the honor of being so near to You even yet... but I know I am consumed with a soul's deepest gratitude and worship in the face of Your love.

... journal entry Feb 28/11.

Jesus,
I know I need to live in the present
I know I need to remember the context of my existence but not to live in the past or past events (but perhaps in the light of them?)
I know I need to live in the freedom only You can give. Wow. That is what my dream was about isn't it. The past both negative and positive is not where I need to live... I can exist in Your freedom with my eyes for You alone and be richer than any plan I could come up with myself. The past both positive and negative can serve to push me forward into You... In light of Your freedom I will 'see'. I will only really be me when I am looking at You being consumed with Your love and the love that rises up within me for You.

Left to myself, I can use the consequence of my sin as a twisted justification to sin again I can use it to demand (through manipulation) compassion and attention from those that care for me. But that will eat me from inside, the sick taste it leaves in my mouth, the emptiness that the cavern of selfishness leaves behind in my soul makes me cringe just thinking of it.
...journal entry Feb 15/11...

Dearest Reader,  I had a most bizarre dream that stayed with me for a few days and it was so interesting how this journal ended up putting into words what I should learn from it.  I don't know if it matters what the dream was but if you are interested in hearing about it let me know.

   Jesus I know we don't meet too often these days in words and pictures and that's okay because You are closer than that ... it's like I still have one foot in that place and another in another ... it's a long transition on some levels or at some times. Kind of like watching a friendship drift away, in a healthy way, because the season of help has come and gone. I think in alot of ways I have reconciled it's leaving because of what You've replaced it with but. There it is. I think I have words now. Jesus I want to give up my control of You. Hanging onto where we've been instead of throwing my self , completely, where You are taking me is just that. You aren't really taking Yourself away from me at all.   

   Jesus a friend could use a bit of bench time shall we? You give me that smile that melts me inside as it makes me feel so much a part of You ...You wink as You turn Your head to face our friend. Even without looking I know Your smile beams down on him. We all settle back on the sun warmed bench with a sigh. You put an arm around each of us. It's an interesting thing that happens when I get to 'share' You with someone. I sit here on this bench knowing my yearning and desire for You yet in the presence of another my thoughts cease to be centered around myself. It's curious to try and describe what happens but it is something I recognize... this has happened many times before. It's like being in this place of deep, deep peace while I know You minister to whoever is there. It's like time suspends itself and nothing else matters. I don't feel an anxiousness to be seen or interacted with (how unlike me is that lol) but really I am so content to wait while You love... I even bring up my legs and sit cross legged beside You. I'm just thinking out loud now but it almost feels like I'm a part of You in this ministry time? How does that work? For I know it is all You. Hmmm. Perhaps this thought is still too deep for me to grasp but despite my lack of understanding I still know what I feel. Okay this next thought is almost beyond any sense at all but here it is... while You pour out Your love and Spirit on another... I feel drawn to just love You. Even if it is just sitting contentedly by Your side.  Another thing I know is that I don't feel forgotten by You at all even though Your face is turned towards another. Now I know that is a God thing :) I look down at my hands as I sit and You take Your hand from behind me and let it fall into mine instead. I catch my breath as I let that action speak to me. I study Your hand and feel it's warmth. I trace Your fingers with my own and then intertwine my fingers with Yours and hold tight... I feel Your grip tighten in response and I smile to myself... feeling wave after wave of a contentment that is so deep that it threatens to drown me. I need nothing else. You are my life and source of life.... journal entry...Feb 15 11

Dearest Reader, 
   The last few posts and ones to come took place during an interesting time with God.  I thought I'd let you in on the background or context to it to give a more complete picture.
 
   At the very beginning of this year God started meeting me in the Word.  It was so amazing I would be sitting there reading with my paper and pen, noting down observations and then I would ask God a question.  Time after time He would show up in a crazy real way of directing my thoughts.  I recognized it was indeed Him because in answer to my question He would give me an understanding or revelation to help lead me that was never where my own mind or logic could take me.  So really sit back and think about that.  It was as close to sitting at my kitchen table and having a conversation with Jesus as I have ever experienced.  I loved it YET.  Yet what!!!! you may exclaim... well I was so used to meeting with and seeing Jesus in my journalling and with the eyes of my heart that I missed Him desperately.  But in the delight of meeting Him a new way I felt I needed to be disciplined to meet Him that way, not stealing my time with Him there to meet with Him as I had.  I didn't after all want to miss the chance to meet Him and get to know Him in this new way.  This interaction with Him was also completely different, it wasn't as relational as the other so this would at times leave me at war within trying to reconcile Jesus in one way or a furthering of meeting Him in another. 

   Now something else was happening at the same time as this struggle with how I met with Jesus.  I was seeing with very clear eyes the depth of self(ishness).  Not people as a whole but myself.  When left to myself I chose self every time.  Even when I lamented over it in one moment summoning up all my self control (which I proudly thought I had alot of ... ironic) to fall in the next moment with a shallow, see through explanation or excuse to do so.  It was like seeing what I would be like without the presence of Jesus in my life constantly.  Or likewise seeing, as if for the first time, just how present He had been and what happened because of that.

   This was where I eventually ended up concluding... Jesus... if I never meet You again in the way I desire YET continue to meet with You, as You choose to reveal, I am okay with that.  I just always want to know You are there.

    Jesus I am having a hard time catching and holding onto my thoughts. They flicker like the light cast from a fire. I know You are here with me. Jesus I am filled with alot I guess. I want You to be so with my brother walking through the season of healing. Jesus, thank You for his life last night. Thank You.
    Holy God You break into my thoughts so often these days... my hunger for You does not seem to abate but asks only draw from a deeper and deeper well. I feel like I am in such a precious spot right now amongst a body that is desiring not only You but to go where You lead. I love that it fills me with such emotion delight. Thank You for that too. 
   Why did You love me with such abandon these last days Jesus? The amount of times and ways You spoke to me through people and circumstance was literally staggering. I don't know if I am to spend time thinking it through but You made me feel like You were pleased with me. Huh. Kind of like a affirmation that I was hearing and following You.
   Jesus I want to write this down before I forget.  It is just a small thing but last night it seemed very significant. I realized that when I pray for our body, for our growing up... for the in pouring of Your Spirit I am looking at the same spot in our church building every time. It is the right side at the front .... it is where we are now starting to pray. Wow. 
   Jesus please hold me. Your hand comes up and holds my head firmly against Your chest. In my want of You I lose sense of what the rest of my body is doing ... I cannot feel my arms but think they are holding You in a grip that is with the intensity of holding onto life itself. My heart is heavy it burns and aches.   
   excerpts from my journal.... Feb 14/11