Up on the roof again

March 27/12   Journal.

    My headache is just trying to decide now if it will recede quietly to the background. I haven't gotten a lot done today but I think I need to decide to enjoy it, on purpose. Perhaps with a perspective and purpose as was in the message of the rotting dog video. I think that is something You are developing in me.  But I would also venture that it is something You placed in me, even in it's smallest measure, for pretty much my whole life. The looking at things a little differently... or at the very least being willing to try.
   I want to thank You Jesus first off that You have helped me into Your Word without a lot of distraction lately. It is quite something to actually be able to listen to a long passage and follow it without constantly reigning in my thoughts or going off on tangents. Jeremiah has never before been what it is now. Although I can't recite it well I caught the flow of it... and it became a picture. Please keep it in my heart when I need to hear it and be reminded of it.
   I am thankful for last night the awesome supper complete with Rianna making dessert followed by a game of Chinese checkers. There have been deliberate moments of being able to spend time with others that I am absolutely thankful for... I know it is completely by Your prodding and not my own as I tend to schedule and control so I can cross off my accomplishments in a day... not a lot of connection there.  So thank You. 

How about You? What are You up to? Waiting for you silly.... and listening to you. 
Hmmm. Well here I am...

   You were sitting on the corner of a rooftop unit as I babbled on until I actually looked up to see You. Then You stood up and grabbed my hand to lead me to the edge of the roof to sit down with You there. We sit on the corner of the building thus each sitting on a different side ... You on the south and I am on the east. I realize what building this is however there is no couch left from before. We are here because You are responding to my unspoken question and what it has to do with what is inside the building beneath us. Interesting. However, You make no move to leave but sit as if all the time in the world meant nothing at all. I have had enough of not looking at You lately so I cross my legs and turn myself slightly to face You so I can watch You. I see Your face lift in a smile that is very small but shifts the radiance of Your face instantly. Your eyes close as the sun beats down upon You... right upon You. In my rapt attention to You I don't even feel it myself but know what it feels like (watching You) to soak that heat in and feel the power of it's touch... to lift me up inside, to refill me with hope or direction or purpose OR just give me that sense of appreciation and peace. You look directly into my eyes now and they literally dance with delight and amusement... what are You thinking? What are you thinking... 
  If you are no longer where it is comfortable it would make sense that we spend alot more conscious and deeply necessary time together doesn't it? 
 Yes because as soon as I am actually in it I can see that attacks of sorrow, loss, being unwanted or unknown, unimportant... would descend pretty rapidly and could be something like a blindfold.
 Perhaps we could meet regularily in our city do some renovations or grand openings? Develop things! Interceding for everyone around you. 
 Hmmm. I like that and I like that You brought it up now. I know I need to draw closer to You again and do some more growing up... I tire of myself easily and life in You facinates me, calls to me. I want to separate self from action or reaction. Sure it may be a daily action that battling of letting self be dead and You the obvious victor but I wonder if that battle can stay between the two of us? And not hurt or burden those around me? When it does, it is so far from loving others... and since that is one of the clearest calls... to love completely and without reserve or condition. I want to grasp being human well and not let being less than human get any upper hand.

   As I talk You hold my hand, massaging gentle circles into the back of my hand with Your thumb. As soon as I realize it I look up into Your face with gratitude and awe... speechless in the face of who You are.