It feels like a train wreck

Feb 6/12
Jesus I am anxious.

And a little lost even though in very familiar territory. Kinda like it just isn't ending... 

Well how about you spend some time with Me? Yeah.

We walk along the edge of the little stream pushing back branches and willows as we go. There are some rocks ahead. Instead of sitting on them though I walk further inland and sit in the mossy hollow that seems to border these boulders. I don't want to see.... I close my eyes. I listen to You move close beside me and sit on my left handside. You gently put Your arm around my shoulder and ease me down to put my head on Your lap. 
It's train wrecking Jesus.
Is it? 
Well it seems like it, I know I imagine in a big way, but it wasn't suppose to be like this... a bitter and ironic laugh comes out as I hear my own words. You didn't promise me perfection or even close to ideal. A heavy sigh escapes as I squeeze my eyes even tighter. I kind of wrap my arms around my legs too wanting warmth.

I want to do this Your way. At this I open my eyes and see blue. Just a bit through the evergreens. Now I am just tired. Your fingers play with my hair as we just sit and lay here.
Thinking about Me a bit aren't you? You say with a chuckle... yeah I am.
Who I am... my character... yes. 
Normal things shrink down to size when it's about You or in light of You.  It also makes me think about the bigger picture the 'why' of things instead of just 'what' is happening...