April 26/12 journal excerpt
Part of a verse popped out to me the other day in 1Kings 1:29. In the midst of King David’s now oldest son trying to become King without his Dad’s blessing and a few trying to right it by telling David about it, trying instead to get Solomon in there, David says... "....As the Lord lives, who has redeemed my soul out of every adversity, ..." and it isn’t even a full sentence haha. But here’s what I thought... wow! Oh to be able to say that at the end of my days!
Here is David very old, at the end of his days and this statement holds such depth when you think about it. I don’t think it is just a saying to say I think through all his ups and downs his mistakes and redemptions he actually lived in enough dependence upon the LORD that this was actually his experience (and as Glenn would say according to his circles message it would be knowledge for him where his beliefs have been lined up with truth in and through experience.) Interestingly, this theme of dependence upon God that requires living out beliefs is coming up again and again for me. When I recall David's life and how he lived he became a beyond competent leader and warrior full of knowledge of how to fight and with the ability to gain the trust and often absolute love of those that followed him. He could easily have run with it, leaning on his own ways and experiences to guide him but time and again he showed a preference and deference to seeking out God first and following Him regardless of what his own logic, emotion or experience told him. Side note... I think the years he spent fleeing Saul in the wilderness waiting for God's timing and honoring it to an extreme would have been the hardest time for him or in developing his dependence upon God... go with me for a minute... we know that David had done nothing wrong YET Saul wanted to kill him, He knows he has been anointed by Samuel for the role of leading God's people, think about it... it is the classic struggle for self ... I deserve.... I am wrongfully accused, I am suffering without cause, do you know who I am?? And God left him out there a long time... almost like in answering to a question, if you truly want to follow me (to lead a life following me) then you have no recourse but to be completely dependent upon Me.
Now do you think it makes sense that God would ask of us the same thing? The same level of dependence? The same deference and preference to His ways instead of our own?
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
I hear You
Hey Jesus... I heard You.
I have to relearn how to live.
Ha... no small task there. And there is no option in how to look at it either... only through Your eyes and with Your heart... and any result is due You and Your Sweet Holy Spirit. This is the positive or opposite flip side to dying to self. How many times have I stressed how important it is to look at a teaching from both sides even when only one side is presented. Oh yeah... it is April 24/12...
The absolute weight of what I felt on my soul ... the lost bumbling about with nothing to fit, that logically should have... I now see the potential that perhaps, that was a time where I need to be on my face asking You to come alive in me... to fill me up to overflowing... with what instead should be my very purpose in living at all. If I am to die to self and continually to the echos of self, there is also a very real need for it to be filled with not just a mental assent to who You are but a challenge, a dare to act out the life truly lived in Your Spirit. Now I am not saying I haven't been taking steps towards this (as who can not with even the initial encounter with You!) but You are a restless God... wild and free... demanding??? holiness (loving You with all our hearts and souls and minds and strength) Which in itself literally screams the necessity of change and what is that... except a stepping out of our known places. Not into unsafe places... not places wrought with fear and danger... but into Your places, places of Your Spirit that are presently unknown to us. Places that don't ask us to bring anything but our love for You... in fact, places that don't allow us to stay with baggage even if it is just a small carry on! So these places are where we get to know what we are to do, this is where the new man truly comes to life. The You in us. Where we get to be fully human (as You intended) not less than human (corruption of our old self under bondage to sin and death) I am starting to recognize how lessons from You may sound so repetitive but mean so much more even just one layer deeper. When we apply new knowledge to our lives the exponentially sharper effect on the learning curve is astounding. My words my never be able to convey the absolute depth of havoc and then pain of learning that each layer of the same lesson teaches me but the absolute thrill of feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit working and changing me is nothing I can ever reproduce myself. There is just so much to learn, let me never be arrogant thinking I've got it cause I don't... can we ever attain all of who God is? It is ridiculous even to say it! Yet are we not saying that exact thing when we take what we have been given, taught or shown and refuse any more?
If I step back right now and re look at where I have been and what I now see it as... I wonder inside if this is just one more prod to speak... if I am going to be out in the left field of You, daring to try even if I fall on my face... then I want to err on doing instead of not doing. I am tired of just thinking, I want to apply.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
What if...
April 23/12 Journal entry.
Dearest Reader,
The other day I was having one of those I really need Jesus days. The kind where I tend to bumble about trying to keep afloat in the swelling ache and need of my heart or of being lost in it. A friend suggested I go to Jesus and ask Him 'what if' ... and see what He had to say.
What if....
What if I walked into the room right now?
What if You stayed?
What if I did?
I'd cry.
What if....
What if I've already told You what to do. And what is coming?
Then You are asking me to obey (obedience out of love)... and to probably stop thinking (anticipating) so much and be present for each moment.
What if I feel really weak and that I want You to be here with me more than I want my next breath?
What if?
Well I suppose then, you may have just caught a portion of how deeply I want to be with you too.
What if I have missed the boat Jesus? What if I never get in the boat? What if I miss the point and forever have wasted the time You gave me here?
Do you love me?
Yes.
Then I suppose you haven't missed it at all.
Dearest Reader,
The other day I was having one of those I really need Jesus days. The kind where I tend to bumble about trying to keep afloat in the swelling ache and need of my heart or of being lost in it. A friend suggested I go to Jesus and ask Him 'what if' ... and see what He had to say.
What if....
What if I walked into the room right now?
What if You stayed?
What if I did?
I'd cry.
What if....
What if I've already told You what to do. And what is coming?
Then You are asking me to obey (obedience out of love)... and to probably stop thinking (anticipating) so much and be present for each moment.
What if I feel really weak and that I want You to be here with me more than I want my next breath?
What if?
Well I suppose then, you may have just caught a portion of how deeply I want to be with you too.
What if I have missed the boat Jesus? What if I never get in the boat? What if I miss the point and forever have wasted the time You gave me here?
Do you love me?
Yes.
Then I suppose you haven't missed it at all.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Where else am I going to go?
Where else am I going to go?
Jesus, those are the words that echo through my mind and heart... they may sound simple but it implies so much more. Your reply will always be the same... You are faithful beyond comprehension and I wonder if I ever dare try to wrap my mind around all it is... it seems forever intertwined with Your faithfulness. Your unending love and desire for us. I wonder if I really grasped the cost it is to You for this... how my soul would handle this kind of knowledge. From heart wrenching to feeling my wretchedness. From paralyzing awe to the desperation of my fallibility. To being pushed beyond what I can handle in light of it, for it to become the knowledge that is KNOWN by and wrapped up by Your impenetrable truth.
Jesus You are making my chest ache. And it feels hard. It makes me feel desperate somehow... the desire, the need, the wish to be in Your arms more than anywhere else in the world or in existence. Life frustrates me as it also delights me and it is due You (in the good sense of course lol)
... hang on...
You are not asking me to just meet You intellectually and spiritually ... You are asking me for a related crossover into living that reality out. I may be doing that to an extent but it is a pretty poor shadow isn't it. Mostly when I take a moment to consider the ramifications of this lived out I am instantly at a loss as to what to do or how to proceed. but I don't need a 'plan' do I? Because it really isn't about what we do but how we do it... Instead in light of my understanding of who You are is the true base from which I need to work and live and respond out of. So no matter what is happening small to large my faith requires me to respond to all things out of the truth of You. injustice, hurt, wounding, apathy... they and all their incidents really are neither here nor there for in light of Your infinitely deep love for us we KNOW we are loved, cared for, fought for, we are special, sought after, wanted. We are allowed then to give these burdens to You to carry because we are so 'belonging' to You, intertwined with You due to Your love... we are asked to live free... to not only let go of burdens but to reciprocate with Your heart and Your love. We don't even have to come up with it on our own but can ask for it from You moment to moment.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Seeing
March 28/ 12... my last entry for today lol...
The main reason I am back is because I wanted to spend some more time with You on the roof. The evening sun seems to reflect the calm and satisfaction I feel deep inside of being with You. We lay flat on our backs... content to look up into the sky watching the clouds scuttling by and gradually the mood of it shifts into a time of twilight. I do not desire to move even a muscle right now except to feel Your fingers intertwined with mine. I suppose we can even talk or communicate without speaking a word aloud. It's like we are one... You have always known what is in the deepest parts of me and understood me before I could. I have spent years reacting without considering the source or root but You knew all along. I feel like a display of my many emotions... passions... grasping to understand... now dance across the sky in colors and movement. It isn't embarrassing nor do I cringe to see it so bold and out there but I lay here, just watching. It is me... crazy old me. And it is You showing me me which is pretty much the deepest kind of sharing. For there is no judgement.
As the last vestiges of the day's light extinguishes we find ourselves sitting back on the edge of the building this time facing south and west. The air is real warm. And it doesn't seem to take very long before the clouds completely disappear and reveal a crazy clear night sky. In fact it is so dynamic and sparkling that it's almost loud. haha. I lay down on my back with my head on Your lap to better look into the sky.
What do you see?
You.
The main reason I am back is because I wanted to spend some more time with You on the roof. The evening sun seems to reflect the calm and satisfaction I feel deep inside of being with You. We lay flat on our backs... content to look up into the sky watching the clouds scuttling by and gradually the mood of it shifts into a time of twilight. I do not desire to move even a muscle right now except to feel Your fingers intertwined with mine. I suppose we can even talk or communicate without speaking a word aloud. It's like we are one... You have always known what is in the deepest parts of me and understood me before I could. I have spent years reacting without considering the source or root but You knew all along. I feel like a display of my many emotions... passions... grasping to understand... now dance across the sky in colors and movement. It isn't embarrassing nor do I cringe to see it so bold and out there but I lay here, just watching. It is me... crazy old me. And it is You showing me me which is pretty much the deepest kind of sharing. For there is no judgement.
As the last vestiges of the day's light extinguishes we find ourselves sitting back on the edge of the building this time facing south and west. The air is real warm. And it doesn't seem to take very long before the clouds completely disappear and reveal a crazy clear night sky. In fact it is so dynamic and sparkling that it's almost loud. haha. I lay down on my back with my head on Your lap to better look into the sky.
What do you see?
You.
Realizations on the roof
March 28/12 Journal entry.
I have to say I recognized myself in 2 Samuel 14 today... in the crazy actions of David really. He longed for his son Absolom and yet would not let him return to Jerusalem because of his murder of Amnon. YET when put in a different light he recognized the logic of action in allowing the son who had murdered to not only live but to be at home. So he allows Absolom back to the city BUT not into his presence. Two years later... Absolom figures out a way to see his Dad...
And I was brought up short in the brokenness of their relationship, that reeled in the struggle between mind and heart.
My point in bringing all this up is because I identify with the inability to act properly even when logically/mentally I have reconciled what the outcome should be and why (Your way). What a curious and damaging thing it becomes when it no longer matters what you have decided inside (which springs from You and wanting what is right and to be reconciled... to love as You do without condition) but it is the message of what the actions are saying that is the only thing that will be heard, and without doubt, it will cause wounding and damage (as our flesh mets out judgement and punishment - whether out of our own hurt or sense of what is right... fleshly). Anyways I recognized that today.
However... You are stronger, than our flesh. But acting in obedience only half way is, I worry, more damaging than not obeying at all. Abba Father please forgive me holding onto my stubborn ways and disobedience to be fully submitted to You. Please Father help me surrender all day today to Your Holy Spirit... today and always. Holy Holy Holy.
...so Jesus as we sit on this roof top this morning watching the sun rise I feel much closer to You (as in, friend to friend) I don't feel the pressure of guilt or the guardedness of regret instead I feel free to babble on, spilling out my heart to You. My silly thoughts and wonderings. I feel like laughing a lot more. How are You this morning?
Delighted and pleased. Excited to move ahead and into things with you. I talk about you all the time with Abba and to have you want to be in a place where we move as one is like a high. It is times like this that makes Me relish in our Plan of redemption.
Tell me more.
I have waited for you. In many ways... before you were here, while you were here, the times of waiting for you to return to Me, or to hear Me... without a filter. I have waited for you. To let the times of learning and experience build up, together speaking a truth that you are accepting in some ways only now. I have waited for you. To know Me. To love Me. To love Me above all things, expectations, desires and others... even above yourself.
While You spoke we leaned in close together... as if soaking up our exchange not only in words but in other ways too... You jump up after sharing and give a big old whoop into the expanse of the heavens... I laugh from way down deep and lay back on the roof stretching my arms out as if to hug the sky and all that has been declared.
I have to say I recognized myself in 2 Samuel 14 today... in the crazy actions of David really. He longed for his son Absolom and yet would not let him return to Jerusalem because of his murder of Amnon. YET when put in a different light he recognized the logic of action in allowing the son who had murdered to not only live but to be at home. So he allows Absolom back to the city BUT not into his presence. Two years later... Absolom figures out a way to see his Dad...
And I was brought up short in the brokenness of their relationship, that reeled in the struggle between mind and heart.
My point in bringing all this up is because I identify with the inability to act properly even when logically/mentally I have reconciled what the outcome should be and why (Your way). What a curious and damaging thing it becomes when it no longer matters what you have decided inside (which springs from You and wanting what is right and to be reconciled... to love as You do without condition) but it is the message of what the actions are saying that is the only thing that will be heard, and without doubt, it will cause wounding and damage (as our flesh mets out judgement and punishment - whether out of our own hurt or sense of what is right... fleshly). Anyways I recognized that today.
However... You are stronger, than our flesh. But acting in obedience only half way is, I worry, more damaging than not obeying at all. Abba Father please forgive me holding onto my stubborn ways and disobedience to be fully submitted to You. Please Father help me surrender all day today to Your Holy Spirit... today and always. Holy Holy Holy.
...so Jesus as we sit on this roof top this morning watching the sun rise I feel much closer to You (as in, friend to friend) I don't feel the pressure of guilt or the guardedness of regret instead I feel free to babble on, spilling out my heart to You. My silly thoughts and wonderings. I feel like laughing a lot more. How are You this morning?
Delighted and pleased. Excited to move ahead and into things with you. I talk about you all the time with Abba and to have you want to be in a place where we move as one is like a high. It is times like this that makes Me relish in our Plan of redemption.
Tell me more.
I have waited for you. In many ways... before you were here, while you were here, the times of waiting for you to return to Me, or to hear Me... without a filter. I have waited for you. To let the times of learning and experience build up, together speaking a truth that you are accepting in some ways only now. I have waited for you. To know Me. To love Me. To love Me above all things, expectations, desires and others... even above yourself.
While You spoke we leaned in close together... as if soaking up our exchange not only in words but in other ways too... You jump up after sharing and give a big old whoop into the expanse of the heavens... I laugh from way down deep and lay back on the roof stretching my arms out as if to hug the sky and all that has been declared.
Monday, July 23, 2012
on the roof part two
March 27/12... journal entry continued...
Jesus it is still the 27th but I have probably 2 min to write and I didn't want to pass it up.
It is hard to put into an image what the mind sees or what the heart feels. It makes so much sense inside but expressing it is a whole other thing. It's frustrating because it is never good enough or accurate or hmmm.
We are still on the roof but it is much later in the day. I am committed to sitting here as long as You want which translated probably more accurately means until I am ready for what You have for me. lol. I realize my attitude is somber but I don't think that is bad... it just is. I am looking forward to the nothingness of sleep but I guess that is wrong too... my dreams have been so dark. Jesus I guess I really wanted to look again into Your face to make sure I am okay. No one or nothing reminds me of who I really am but You. You really are all that matters. Of course you are alright... I never leave You, ever.
I really meant what I was praying this afternoon, about how I want to be enamoured with You always, anticipating meeting with You, unable to get You off my mind, having my whole world colored because of being with You. There is a sweetness in living for a time where I must choose You without seeing You. For when I am finally in Your full presence there would be no choice left but to adore You so completely and be filled with the want to worship You always. I know I grasped this thought a long time ago but I need to dwell on it again. The sweetness of and absolute heart wrenching ache (on both sides) of this relationship. Of course Your pain is more acute, for You know all things and the patience with which You wait continues to boggle my mind. I am so fickle while You are just so true and faithful.
Oh! That brings to mind a moment from yesterday while putting on my socks lol. I had a brief moment of clarity in which the image of my thoughts were never so clearly as similar as to what a parable is like. Where if I ever had to watch the one I love leave I would want one thing to be without question and it would be my love for him. But also that desire of him... to remain true. And in that moment of seeing, feeling and thoughts playing out, I thought of You. You so want us to be true to You. You say it over and over and over. In command and in sweet alluring words. Love Me only, Love Me only, come back and Love Me only. You so often relate us as Your bride, who sadly has so often been unfaithful, adulterous, and there is consequence to it but You just keep loving us... calling to us...
Jesus it is still the 27th but I have probably 2 min to write and I didn't want to pass it up.
It is hard to put into an image what the mind sees or what the heart feels. It makes so much sense inside but expressing it is a whole other thing. It's frustrating because it is never good enough or accurate or hmmm.
We are still on the roof but it is much later in the day. I am committed to sitting here as long as You want which translated probably more accurately means until I am ready for what You have for me. lol. I realize my attitude is somber but I don't think that is bad... it just is. I am looking forward to the nothingness of sleep but I guess that is wrong too... my dreams have been so dark. Jesus I guess I really wanted to look again into Your face to make sure I am okay. No one or nothing reminds me of who I really am but You. You really are all that matters. Of course you are alright... I never leave You, ever.
I really meant what I was praying this afternoon, about how I want to be enamoured with You always, anticipating meeting with You, unable to get You off my mind, having my whole world colored because of being with You. There is a sweetness in living for a time where I must choose You without seeing You. For when I am finally in Your full presence there would be no choice left but to adore You so completely and be filled with the want to worship You always. I know I grasped this thought a long time ago but I need to dwell on it again. The sweetness of and absolute heart wrenching ache (on both sides) of this relationship. Of course Your pain is more acute, for You know all things and the patience with which You wait continues to boggle my mind. I am so fickle while You are just so true and faithful.
Oh! That brings to mind a moment from yesterday while putting on my socks lol. I had a brief moment of clarity in which the image of my thoughts were never so clearly as similar as to what a parable is like. Where if I ever had to watch the one I love leave I would want one thing to be without question and it would be my love for him. But also that desire of him... to remain true. And in that moment of seeing, feeling and thoughts playing out, I thought of You. You so want us to be true to You. You say it over and over and over. In command and in sweet alluring words. Love Me only, Love Me only, come back and Love Me only. You so often relate us as Your bride, who sadly has so often been unfaithful, adulterous, and there is consequence to it but You just keep loving us... calling to us...
Friday, July 20, 2012
Up on the roof again
March 27/12 Journal.
My headache is just trying to decide now if it will recede quietly to the background. I haven't gotten a lot done today but I think I need to decide to enjoy it, on purpose. Perhaps with a perspective and purpose as was in the message of the rotting dog video. I think that is something You are developing in me. But I would also venture that it is something You placed in me, even in it's smallest measure, for pretty much my whole life. The looking at things a little differently... or at the very least being willing to try.
I want to thank You Jesus first off that You have helped me into Your Word without a lot of distraction lately. It is quite something to actually be able to listen to a long passage and follow it without constantly reigning in my thoughts or going off on tangents. Jeremiah has never before been what it is now. Although I can't recite it well I caught the flow of it... and it became a picture. Please keep it in my heart when I need to hear it and be reminded of it.
I am thankful for last night the awesome supper complete with Rianna making dessert followed by a game of Chinese checkers. There have been deliberate moments of being able to spend time with others that I am absolutely thankful for... I know it is completely by Your prodding and not my own as I tend to schedule and control so I can cross off my accomplishments in a day... not a lot of connection there. So thank You.
How about You? What are You up to? Waiting for you silly.... and listening to you.
Hmmm. Well here I am...
You were sitting on the corner of a rooftop unit as I babbled on until I actually looked up to see You. Then You stood up and grabbed my hand to lead me to the edge of the roof to sit down with You there. We sit on the corner of the building thus each sitting on a different side ... You on the south and I am on the east. I realize what building this is however there is no couch left from before. We are here because You are responding to my unspoken question and what it has to do with what is inside the building beneath us. Interesting. However, You make no move to leave but sit as if all the time in the world meant nothing at all. I have had enough of not looking at You lately so I cross my legs and turn myself slightly to face You so I can watch You. I see Your face lift in a smile that is very small but shifts the radiance of Your face instantly. Your eyes close as the sun beats down upon You... right upon You. In my rapt attention to You I don't even feel it myself but know what it feels like (watching You) to soak that heat in and feel the power of it's touch... to lift me up inside, to refill me with hope or direction or purpose OR just give me that sense of appreciation and peace. You look directly into my eyes now and they literally dance with delight and amusement... what are You thinking? What are you thinking...
If you are no longer where it is comfortable it would make sense that we spend alot more conscious and deeply necessary time together doesn't it?
Yes because as soon as I am actually in it I can see that attacks of sorrow, loss, being unwanted or unknown, unimportant... would descend pretty rapidly and could be something like a blindfold.
Perhaps we could meet regularily in our city do some renovations or grand openings? Develop things! Interceding for everyone around you.
Hmmm. I like that and I like that You brought it up now. I know I need to draw closer to You again and do some more growing up... I tire of myself easily and life in You facinates me, calls to me. I want to separate self from action or reaction. Sure it may be a daily action that battling of letting self be dead and You the obvious victor but I wonder if that battle can stay between the two of us? And not hurt or burden those around me? When it does, it is so far from loving others... and since that is one of the clearest calls... to love completely and without reserve or condition. I want to grasp being human well and not let being less than human get any upper hand.
As I talk You hold my hand, massaging gentle circles into the back of my hand with Your thumb. As soon as I realize it I look up into Your face with gratitude and awe... speechless in the face of who You are.
My headache is just trying to decide now if it will recede quietly to the background. I haven't gotten a lot done today but I think I need to decide to enjoy it, on purpose. Perhaps with a perspective and purpose as was in the message of the rotting dog video. I think that is something You are developing in me. But I would also venture that it is something You placed in me, even in it's smallest measure, for pretty much my whole life. The looking at things a little differently... or at the very least being willing to try.
I want to thank You Jesus first off that You have helped me into Your Word without a lot of distraction lately. It is quite something to actually be able to listen to a long passage and follow it without constantly reigning in my thoughts or going off on tangents. Jeremiah has never before been what it is now. Although I can't recite it well I caught the flow of it... and it became a picture. Please keep it in my heart when I need to hear it and be reminded of it.
I am thankful for last night the awesome supper complete with Rianna making dessert followed by a game of Chinese checkers. There have been deliberate moments of being able to spend time with others that I am absolutely thankful for... I know it is completely by Your prodding and not my own as I tend to schedule and control so I can cross off my accomplishments in a day... not a lot of connection there. So thank You.
How about You? What are You up to? Waiting for you silly.... and listening to you.
Hmmm. Well here I am...
You were sitting on the corner of a rooftop unit as I babbled on until I actually looked up to see You. Then You stood up and grabbed my hand to lead me to the edge of the roof to sit down with You there. We sit on the corner of the building thus each sitting on a different side ... You on the south and I am on the east. I realize what building this is however there is no couch left from before. We are here because You are responding to my unspoken question and what it has to do with what is inside the building beneath us. Interesting. However, You make no move to leave but sit as if all the time in the world meant nothing at all. I have had enough of not looking at You lately so I cross my legs and turn myself slightly to face You so I can watch You. I see Your face lift in a smile that is very small but shifts the radiance of Your face instantly. Your eyes close as the sun beats down upon You... right upon You. In my rapt attention to You I don't even feel it myself but know what it feels like (watching You) to soak that heat in and feel the power of it's touch... to lift me up inside, to refill me with hope or direction or purpose OR just give me that sense of appreciation and peace. You look directly into my eyes now and they literally dance with delight and amusement... what are You thinking? What are you thinking...
If you are no longer where it is comfortable it would make sense that we spend alot more conscious and deeply necessary time together doesn't it?
Yes because as soon as I am actually in it I can see that attacks of sorrow, loss, being unwanted or unknown, unimportant... would descend pretty rapidly and could be something like a blindfold.
Perhaps we could meet regularily in our city do some renovations or grand openings? Develop things! Interceding for everyone around you.
Hmmm. I like that and I like that You brought it up now. I know I need to draw closer to You again and do some more growing up... I tire of myself easily and life in You facinates me, calls to me. I want to separate self from action or reaction. Sure it may be a daily action that battling of letting self be dead and You the obvious victor but I wonder if that battle can stay between the two of us? And not hurt or burden those around me? When it does, it is so far from loving others... and since that is one of the clearest calls... to love completely and without reserve or condition. I want to grasp being human well and not let being less than human get any upper hand.
As I talk You hold my hand, massaging gentle circles into the back of my hand with Your thumb. As soon as I realize it I look up into Your face with gratitude and awe... speechless in the face of who You are.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Possibilities in the unknown
March 26/ 12... jouranl excerpt...
Hey Jesus it is me. I can not imagine that I have spent this much time away from you word wise but alas and alack it is so. It's kind of like something stalled out for a time. But I feel my depth of love coming out in images that I want to draw or paint or ??? It's interesting what simmers beneath the surface and does not see the light of day. I wonder about it at times. Like the songs I want to write or the music I wish I could hear or the words I feel but are unformed or the pictures that flash partially there but huge and with deep emotion. Huh.
I sit here, thankful. I see possibilities in the uncertainity of change. They are like insights of Yours because they are okay... more than okay. It is kind of like stumbling upon a perspective which makes me nod with an "oh." or an asent of... that could be because it is accompanied by Your peace. A "perhaps this is Your plan because it does what I cannot do" I like that one the most, even though I know the place You may be placing us is facing and entering where I do not long to go. But I do long to go wherever You are and where You are placing us and that trumps all. In fact it even makes me feel excited.
Hey Jesus it is me. I can not imagine that I have spent this much time away from you word wise but alas and alack it is so. It's kind of like something stalled out for a time. But I feel my depth of love coming out in images that I want to draw or paint or ??? It's interesting what simmers beneath the surface and does not see the light of day. I wonder about it at times. Like the songs I want to write or the music I wish I could hear or the words I feel but are unformed or the pictures that flash partially there but huge and with deep emotion. Huh.
I sit here, thankful. I see possibilities in the uncertainity of change. They are like insights of Yours because they are okay... more than okay. It is kind of like stumbling upon a perspective which makes me nod with an "oh." or an asent of... that could be because it is accompanied by Your peace. A "perhaps this is Your plan because it does what I cannot do" I like that one the most, even though I know the place You may be placing us is facing and entering where I do not long to go. But I do long to go wherever You are and where You are placing us and that trumps all. In fact it even makes me feel excited.
Jesus what am I to hear today? Where will we go? What am I looking for?
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
There is a difference
March 7/12 Journal entry.
I know I haven't been here forever Jesus.
It's like everything came to a screeching halt... I didn't know what to blog and then I didn't journal. Then life, in the physical sense, went way off the normal grid of usual'ness'. Between surprise surgery, sickness and a roll over... the last two weeks have been interesting to say the least.
Jesus, I am glad I am here... the longer I write the more I feel that joy rising up, at just taking the time to meet with You this way. You make me smile. Oh and that lesson of experiencing the desire to intercede for the one causing me injury was absolutely brilliant and life changing.. really. I have experienced the effects of it still, in this week of intermittent stress and annoyance lol.
Thanks Jesus for meeting me in so many ways despite the lack of typing.
If we meet right now ... hahaha... sounds good! Hahahaha... and we dance, laughing but holding each other very close. Being this close to You makes me realize that I haven't felt really like myself for a while... the me in You that is really free and really joyful way deep down... I have been busy managing and even though You have been there without doubt, there is a decided difference between experiencing the surety of Your presence and Your stepping into my life and my coming to You just to be with You. To love You. To look at You.
To find myself in You... it is like stepping out of a closet dimly lit into an open field under a big sky of promise and delight... to realize I am Yours and what that means. The smothering coats and layers are not only not necessary but end up hiding the real me.
Keep stepping out Tam. Keep stepping into Me.
Yes. What better way to put real perspective into my life than to pause, look up into Your eyes and reach up and touch Your face? That is what speaks to my very core and an immediate fruit springs forth. Okay I don't think I got that out quite right... experiencing You situationally is powerful and helps me understand and change behaviour and attitudes etc but meeting with You is like becoming the real me again... just free and full of love for You. So it isn't words and wisdom and the like it is clearing up the (base) of where all that comes out of... lol okay maybe not much clearer...
Jesus let us meet on the bench? My friend is needing You and I just want to pray while You two talk... please break down for him the stuff that is really only distraction. Help him weigh out the core of the issue he is grappling with. Let Your voice ring out strong Jesus, please Lord rescue us... God help us... I humbly ask for my friend. Jesus I know You are the master question asker... could You lead him with some questions of Your own? But at the same time I ask that You very much protect him from the damage of lies... doubt... unworthiness... fear... discouragement... let him instead feel Your presence in a peace... a desire to press through... an endurance... the strength of patience let all this kick into high for him.
I know I haven't been here forever Jesus.
It's like everything came to a screeching halt... I didn't know what to blog and then I didn't journal. Then life, in the physical sense, went way off the normal grid of usual'ness'. Between surprise surgery, sickness and a roll over... the last two weeks have been interesting to say the least.
Jesus, I am glad I am here... the longer I write the more I feel that joy rising up, at just taking the time to meet with You this way. You make me smile. Oh and that lesson of experiencing the desire to intercede for the one causing me injury was absolutely brilliant and life changing.. really. I have experienced the effects of it still, in this week of intermittent stress and annoyance lol.
Thanks Jesus for meeting me in so many ways despite the lack of typing.
If we meet right now ... hahaha... sounds good! Hahahaha... and we dance, laughing but holding each other very close. Being this close to You makes me realize that I haven't felt really like myself for a while... the me in You that is really free and really joyful way deep down... I have been busy managing and even though You have been there without doubt, there is a decided difference between experiencing the surety of Your presence and Your stepping into my life and my coming to You just to be with You. To love You. To look at You.
To find myself in You... it is like stepping out of a closet dimly lit into an open field under a big sky of promise and delight... to realize I am Yours and what that means. The smothering coats and layers are not only not necessary but end up hiding the real me.
Keep stepping out Tam. Keep stepping into Me.
Yes. What better way to put real perspective into my life than to pause, look up into Your eyes and reach up and touch Your face? That is what speaks to my very core and an immediate fruit springs forth. Okay I don't think I got that out quite right... experiencing You situationally is powerful and helps me understand and change behaviour and attitudes etc but meeting with You is like becoming the real me again... just free and full of love for You. So it isn't words and wisdom and the like it is clearing up the (base) of where all that comes out of... lol okay maybe not much clearer...
Jesus let us meet on the bench? My friend is needing You and I just want to pray while You two talk... please break down for him the stuff that is really only distraction. Help him weigh out the core of the issue he is grappling with. Let Your voice ring out strong Jesus, please Lord rescue us... God help us... I humbly ask for my friend. Jesus I know You are the master question asker... could You lead him with some questions of Your own? But at the same time I ask that You very much protect him from the damage of lies... doubt... unworthiness... fear... discouragement... let him instead feel Your presence in a peace... a desire to press through... an endurance... the strength of patience let all this kick into high for him.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Seeing and being
Feb 18/12 Journal Entry.
Jesus if I don't find a way to come to You in these next days I feel I am putting myself in danger. Danger of being swallowed up and wasting time in myself and where I don't want to exist. It's strange how one moment I can have what seems like the clearest of revelations of perspectives of how I want to be, how I want to live and then bam... life ... and I am not responding at all in light of that thought. So because I am not... I am coming to You. I am pleading to stay in Your presence. Looking at Your face so that I can keep that now tenuous hold on where I feel You want me to exist.
Jesus if I don't find a way to come to You in these next days I feel I am putting myself in danger. Danger of being swallowed up and wasting time in myself and where I don't want to exist. It's strange how one moment I can have what seems like the clearest of revelations of perspectives of how I want to be, how I want to live and then bam... life ... and I am not responding at all in light of that thought. So because I am not... I am coming to You. I am pleading to stay in Your presence. Looking at Your face so that I can keep that now tenuous hold on where I feel You want me to exist.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
stepping back into thankfulness
...I just wanted to say thank You. For ideas. For relief. For giving release. For determination. For hope. For bravery. For helping me think about You and Your responses more readily. For what to lent this year.
I forgot to be here though. In the presence of thankfulness.
What do You want to do today? What are You feeling? What are You wanting us (me) to hear? To follow You in?
I come into the room seeing You sitting in front of two french doors that are open to a balcony. Hey Sarayu. I come up behind You, Jesus, and throw my arms around Your shoulders as I lean in to whisper in Your ear. You laugh and stand up taking my hand as we move to the doorway. Unable to wipe the smile from my face I step out onto the balcony and move to sit upon the wide marble wall. You too sit upon the wall and we face one another. I want to gaze upon You. I know we often are looking out and seeing things that speak of greater things or impress upon me a different perspective but this time I just want to love You by keeping my eyes on You.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
It feels like a train wreck
Feb 6/12
Jesus I am anxious.
And a little lost even though in very familiar territory. Kinda like it just isn't ending...
Well how about you spend some time with Me? Yeah.
We walk along the edge of the little stream pushing back branches and willows as we go. There are some rocks ahead. Instead of sitting on them though I walk further inland and sit in the mossy hollow that seems to border these boulders. I don't want to see.... I close my eyes. I listen to You move close beside me and sit on my left handside. You gently put Your arm around my shoulder and ease me down to put my head on Your lap.
It's train wrecking Jesus.
Is it?
Well it seems like it, I know I imagine in a big way, but it wasn't suppose to be like this... a bitter and ironic laugh comes out as I hear my own words. You didn't promise me perfection or even close to ideal. A heavy sigh escapes as I squeeze my eyes even tighter. I kind of wrap my arms around my legs too wanting warmth.
I want to do this Your way. At this I open my eyes and see blue. Just a bit through the evergreens. Now I am just tired. Your fingers play with my hair as we just sit and lay here.
Thinking about Me a bit aren't you? You say with a chuckle... yeah I am.
Who I am... my character... yes.
Normal things shrink down to size when it's about You or in light of You. It also makes me think about the bigger picture the 'why' of things instead of just 'what' is happening...
Jesus I am anxious.
And a little lost even though in very familiar territory. Kinda like it just isn't ending...
Well how about you spend some time with Me? Yeah.
We walk along the edge of the little stream pushing back branches and willows as we go. There are some rocks ahead. Instead of sitting on them though I walk further inland and sit in the mossy hollow that seems to border these boulders. I don't want to see.... I close my eyes. I listen to You move close beside me and sit on my left handside. You gently put Your arm around my shoulder and ease me down to put my head on Your lap.
It's train wrecking Jesus.
Is it?
Well it seems like it, I know I imagine in a big way, but it wasn't suppose to be like this... a bitter and ironic laugh comes out as I hear my own words. You didn't promise me perfection or even close to ideal. A heavy sigh escapes as I squeeze my eyes even tighter. I kind of wrap my arms around my legs too wanting warmth.
I want to do this Your way. At this I open my eyes and see blue. Just a bit through the evergreens. Now I am just tired. Your fingers play with my hair as we just sit and lay here.
Thinking about Me a bit aren't you? You say with a chuckle... yeah I am.
Who I am... my character... yes.
Normal things shrink down to size when it's about You or in light of You. It also makes me think about the bigger picture the 'why' of things instead of just 'what' is happening...
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Jesus, my friend and a rooftop
Feb 3/12 Journal entry.
So, Jesus, I am thinking after reading my friend's email again that it would be pretty cool to meet with both of You for a bit.
The other day You and I met and entered a new building and room... now even though I think that it will have it's place... it is the small almost hidden door in the back of the room that interests me now. I feel a flush of excitement as I look into Your eyes and get 'the nod'. I grab my friend's hand, encouraging him to follow, as I turn to find out where this will take us. Your hand which has been around his shoulders shifts and you now place both Your hands upon him as You follow him up the very narrow, squeaky, wooden staircase. We reach a sharp U turn and climb the next flight. Although narrow, the height of the stairwell is quite impressive. Only once on each flight is a soft mellow light gently taking the upper hand on the otherwise deep darkness of this way. At least six flights later I stand on the landing while You come around and take the lead to a hatch up ahead. Your great stride takes in a couple steps at a time as You effortlessly arrive at and push open the hatch above Your head that, I am sure, has not been opened in a very long time. You climb up with ease and turn around to offer a hand.
...As You lift me from the dim stairwell onto the roof I feel the great delight of discovery and I scramble to take it all in. I turn to my friend and smile... Jesus and I like edges, ledges, and cliffs of places and things. It doesn't surprise me even a bit as I sweep my arm out displaying the emptiness of this roof ... empty except for one thing. In this one item I am not surprised but I am deeply moved and recognize Your touch; Your love in it's presence. We walk across the clean but rough surface of the roof towards the couch. It is on the south east corner of the roof. Before we even get there I know... I take my place on the roof's edge, swinging my legs off the south side while my friend and Jesus sit behind me on the couch.
The couch... huh. It isn't the bench which is almost always associated with the cliff but it is the couch which is now equated with the river. (And has shown up on the river's edge more than a few times.) It is a place of deep love... an invitation to let go of everything and soak into Him. He protects here and loves... sets free and sets ablaze... it is a place of deep communion and in that He ministers but not Him alone, the one He sits with ministers to Him in return as beautifully and naturally as breathing.
Time ceases to mean anything. Whether it flies by or slows downs till it stands still... we sit.
So, Jesus, I am thinking after reading my friend's email again that it would be pretty cool to meet with both of You for a bit.
The other day You and I met and entered a new building and room... now even though I think that it will have it's place... it is the small almost hidden door in the back of the room that interests me now. I feel a flush of excitement as I look into Your eyes and get 'the nod'. I grab my friend's hand, encouraging him to follow, as I turn to find out where this will take us. Your hand which has been around his shoulders shifts and you now place both Your hands upon him as You follow him up the very narrow, squeaky, wooden staircase. We reach a sharp U turn and climb the next flight. Although narrow, the height of the stairwell is quite impressive. Only once on each flight is a soft mellow light gently taking the upper hand on the otherwise deep darkness of this way. At least six flights later I stand on the landing while You come around and take the lead to a hatch up ahead. Your great stride takes in a couple steps at a time as You effortlessly arrive at and push open the hatch above Your head that, I am sure, has not been opened in a very long time. You climb up with ease and turn around to offer a hand.
...As You lift me from the dim stairwell onto the roof I feel the great delight of discovery and I scramble to take it all in. I turn to my friend and smile... Jesus and I like edges, ledges, and cliffs of places and things. It doesn't surprise me even a bit as I sweep my arm out displaying the emptiness of this roof ... empty except for one thing. In this one item I am not surprised but I am deeply moved and recognize Your touch; Your love in it's presence. We walk across the clean but rough surface of the roof towards the couch. It is on the south east corner of the roof. Before we even get there I know... I take my place on the roof's edge, swinging my legs off the south side while my friend and Jesus sit behind me on the couch.
The couch... huh. It isn't the bench which is almost always associated with the cliff but it is the couch which is now equated with the river. (And has shown up on the river's edge more than a few times.) It is a place of deep love... an invitation to let go of everything and soak into Him. He protects here and loves... sets free and sets ablaze... it is a place of deep communion and in that He ministers but not Him alone, the one He sits with ministers to Him in return as beautifully and naturally as breathing.
Time ceases to mean anything. Whether it flies by or slows downs till it stands still... we sit.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Thank You
Jan 10/12... journal entry.
Before I leave my desk and get into today... I wanted to thank You for last night. And thank You for the new nickname... I even anticipate what will come of that. And the pen...it's the kind of pen that you dip in ink... and fantastically when you touch the paper with it, color and many embellishments flow out of the simple script you put down. Not kidding. I want to reiterate what I prayed this morning... Jesus Abba Holy Spirit... I want to come to You first today... I want to love You... doing everything in the love I have for You... I want to grow into my name... help me learn to listen by asking questions and then looking and waiting for You. Help my eyes see what it is You are doing and may a thankfulness deeper than any ocean be my response.
Before I leave my desk and get into today... I wanted to thank You for last night. And thank You for the new nickname... I even anticipate what will come of that. And the pen...it's the kind of pen that you dip in ink... and fantastically when you touch the paper with it, color and many embellishments flow out of the simple script you put down. Not kidding. I want to reiterate what I prayed this morning... Jesus Abba Holy Spirit... I want to come to You first today... I want to love You... doing everything in the love I have for You... I want to grow into my name... help me learn to listen by asking questions and then looking and waiting for You. Help my eyes see what it is You are doing and may a thankfulness deeper than any ocean be my response.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
meeting at our table
Jan 9/12 journal entry...
It's still me Abba, Jesus. I just felt I needed a new page for some reason. I wanted to come again purposefully to You... we all sit down at the table and it is tonight a small enough table that we each sit on a side and yet if we were to lean on the table in conversation our fingers would easily touch. The room is dark except for the warm light that spills over the thick wooden table worn with deep marks and stains of a lifetime of use. It has the comfort of a kitchen here but I know instead it is our place of meeting... shelves of books line the walls floor to ceiling. This is a intimate feeling place... one of deep importance and 'specialness'. Curious though, it has almost a reverential air of Your Holiness yet not that halts conversation and heart sharing instead it has the opposite effect... I feel so wanted here, invited... important to You.
I lean forward as I begin.
I want what You offered. I glance over at my Jesus and I see Him put an elbow on the table and put his face in His hand as He is drawn into my conversation. I cannot help but reach over in ridiculous giddy love and touch His arm. A smile breaks on Abba's face... one of deep satisfaction and joy. Good.
I am trying to wake up and be with You more. I enjoyed trying new questions today. One thought kinda stays with me when I was running. At one point my legs felt very able to do their job but my lungs were telling me something quite the opposite. And I thought of us... that in learning something new perhaps the mechanics of trying, start to exist before the real connection, which makes it something done in freedom and with all that I am... complete faith, complete trust. I thought perhaps I had it backwards but maybe not eh?
Maybe not at all.
So I need to keep on practicing.
Yes.
Okay. I am now the one to put both elbows on the table and put my face in my hands. I may be sitting still but inside I am not lol. I look into Your faces and wait. Jesus moves His hand towards me silently asking to hold one of mine... I offer it quickly. No word is spoken but He just ever so gently rubs my hand as He holds it.
You are right to listen. Perhaps that should be your nickname this year... Our Listener. My smile beams out as I ponder this. You push a stack of papers across the table towards me. There is much to know. That need to written down and read... seen and heard. Suddenly there is a pen in my hand and my breath catches in awe and delight. I move the stack in front of me and place the pen atop it. Keep coming here and meeting with us as we teach you to hear and listen.
I almost erased that first part of 'coming here' because I figured it was limiting what You would do but instead it is You meeting something in me... to learn to step out in the unknown from somewhere very comfortable or maybe better put, a place to keep coming back to to keep me going back out? That reminds me of someone... Jesus. A soft chuckle shakes You as You once again pick up my hand. Hmmm that feels so nice.
It's still me Abba, Jesus. I just felt I needed a new page for some reason. I wanted to come again purposefully to You... we all sit down at the table and it is tonight a small enough table that we each sit on a side and yet if we were to lean on the table in conversation our fingers would easily touch. The room is dark except for the warm light that spills over the thick wooden table worn with deep marks and stains of a lifetime of use. It has the comfort of a kitchen here but I know instead it is our place of meeting... shelves of books line the walls floor to ceiling. This is a intimate feeling place... one of deep importance and 'specialness'. Curious though, it has almost a reverential air of Your Holiness yet not that halts conversation and heart sharing instead it has the opposite effect... I feel so wanted here, invited... important to You.
I lean forward as I begin.
I want what You offered. I glance over at my Jesus and I see Him put an elbow on the table and put his face in His hand as He is drawn into my conversation. I cannot help but reach over in ridiculous giddy love and touch His arm. A smile breaks on Abba's face... one of deep satisfaction and joy. Good.
I am trying to wake up and be with You more. I enjoyed trying new questions today. One thought kinda stays with me when I was running. At one point my legs felt very able to do their job but my lungs were telling me something quite the opposite. And I thought of us... that in learning something new perhaps the mechanics of trying, start to exist before the real connection, which makes it something done in freedom and with all that I am... complete faith, complete trust. I thought perhaps I had it backwards but maybe not eh?
Maybe not at all.
So I need to keep on practicing.
Yes.
Okay. I am now the one to put both elbows on the table and put my face in my hands. I may be sitting still but inside I am not lol. I look into Your faces and wait. Jesus moves His hand towards me silently asking to hold one of mine... I offer it quickly. No word is spoken but He just ever so gently rubs my hand as He holds it.
You are right to listen. Perhaps that should be your nickname this year... Our Listener. My smile beams out as I ponder this. You push a stack of papers across the table towards me. There is much to know. That need to written down and read... seen and heard. Suddenly there is a pen in my hand and my breath catches in awe and delight. I move the stack in front of me and place the pen atop it. Keep coming here and meeting with us as we teach you to hear and listen.
I almost erased that first part of 'coming here' because I figured it was limiting what You would do but instead it is You meeting something in me... to learn to step out in the unknown from somewhere very comfortable or maybe better put, a place to keep coming back to to keep me going back out? That reminds me of someone... Jesus. A soft chuckle shakes You as You once again pick up my hand. Hmmm that feels so nice.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Getting to know Abba Father
Journal entry, part two... Jan 6 /12
Sometimes it seems I cannot get enough of You or better put I don't know how to because I am still here rooted in all my normal responses. Tonight I wanted more of You and thought first I needed someone to share with forgetting it would be much better to just come back to You. Well let's start by adjusting that immediate response shall we?
Cool! I cannot quite help laughing over the memory of this afternoon ... I can't remember the last time I have laughed like that!
It's fun to connect like... I've been laughing too.
Hmmm. You pretty much blow my mind. We both lean back with a decidedly contented air about us. It's amazing that You take time for such trivial things considering how Holy Majestic and Huge You are.
Reveals something doesn't it.
Yes it does... and although it utterly confounds me it shows me Your heart.
Nice.
You know when I think of how many years it has been developing my relationship with You as Jesus I wonder a bit about timing now. I suppose getting to know You as Abba is short tracked quite a bit by the foundation already there. Hey that says something in itself! Hang on, I need to get this thought out first...It certainly doesn't dampen any excitement of building this relationship with You as Abba Father... in fact the opposite, it is heightened because I know how the other one has gone...
Sometimes it seems I cannot get enough of You or better put I don't know how to because I am still here rooted in all my normal responses. Tonight I wanted more of You and thought first I needed someone to share with forgetting it would be much better to just come back to You. Well let's start by adjusting that immediate response shall we?
Cool! I cannot quite help laughing over the memory of this afternoon ... I can't remember the last time I have laughed like that!
It's fun to connect like... I've been laughing too.
Hmmm. You pretty much blow my mind. We both lean back with a decidedly contented air about us. It's amazing that You take time for such trivial things considering how Holy Majestic and Huge You are.
Reveals something doesn't it.
Yes it does... and although it utterly confounds me it shows me Your heart.
Nice.
You know when I think of how many years it has been developing my relationship with You as Jesus I wonder a bit about timing now. I suppose getting to know You as Abba is short tracked quite a bit by the foundation already there. Hey that says something in itself! Hang on, I need to get this thought out first...It certainly doesn't dampen any excitement of building this relationship with You as Abba Father... in fact the opposite, it is heightened because I know how the other one has gone...
Meeting with Abba Father
Journal entry, Jan 6 /12... a most amazing meeting with the Father.
Hmmm... but you have come to the right place first.
Yes.
Well done. I feel my face attempt a small smile.
It's alright you know.
I do.
Come sit with Me. You release me with one arm, the other one guiding me back to my chair. You then sit me down and move Your chair right beside mine, pushing a steaming mug of sweetened coffee milk into my hands. I close my eyes for a moment trying to gather my wild thoughts and open them to Your eyes looking with such invitation into mine.
I want to hear You.... please? I want to change and grow up some more. I want to be washed anew in our relationship, our connection, I want to love You completely. I don't think I can without coming to KNOW You more and have You fill me up.
True dat.
HAHAHAHAHA who will ever believe You said that!!! Our laughter mixes together rich, deep and long at sharing this inside joke. Barely containing my laughter I try to get ahold of myself ... just a minute more. hahahaha.
Suddenly I feel Your hand take hold of my chin, gently turning my face to Yours ... Your eyes almost burn with intensity
I have heard you. The words resonate inside over and over as I grasp the immensity of what You have said.
I AM able and I will do as you ask. A sudden stab of fear flashes through me as I think about how easily I fail You.
But it is not what you do.
No it is who I am... who You will make me. The Game of Minutes... the word game suddenly seems despairingly hollow, this is no game. Moment to moment I choose You Abba, I choose You. And when I fall down I will return and choose You again.
I AM in you and I stake my claim, My seal is upon you. You belong to Me and My Kingdom. I cannot get past those words... you belong to Me... My mind replays them as my thoughts try to catch up... You sound like Jesus... You sound like a passionate and jealous God that wins my heart over and over with only a glance, let alone words filled with such determined passion dripping with love. Ahhh... your hearing is good right now. I realize my mouth hangs open and I close it with a smile... my hands are clutching onto Yours I do not want to let go.
Abba!
I run to our table and anxiously pulling out my chair. You very purposefully stand up and take those few steps to me, opening Your arms to invite me in. I move into them with a gratefulness that allows relief to melt all that weighs upon me. I don't really understand what I am feeling... Hmmm... but you have come to the right place first.
Yes.
Well done. I feel my face attempt a small smile.
It's alright you know.
I do.
Come sit with Me. You release me with one arm, the other one guiding me back to my chair. You then sit me down and move Your chair right beside mine, pushing a steaming mug of sweetened coffee milk into my hands. I close my eyes for a moment trying to gather my wild thoughts and open them to Your eyes looking with such invitation into mine.
I want to hear You.... please? I want to change and grow up some more. I want to be washed anew in our relationship, our connection, I want to love You completely. I don't think I can without coming to KNOW You more and have You fill me up.
True dat.
HAHAHAHAHA who will ever believe You said that!!! Our laughter mixes together rich, deep and long at sharing this inside joke. Barely containing my laughter I try to get ahold of myself ... just a minute more. hahahaha.
Suddenly I feel Your hand take hold of my chin, gently turning my face to Yours ... Your eyes almost burn with intensity
I have heard you. The words resonate inside over and over as I grasp the immensity of what You have said.
I AM able and I will do as you ask. A sudden stab of fear flashes through me as I think about how easily I fail You.
But it is not what you do.
No it is who I am... who You will make me. The Game of Minutes... the word game suddenly seems despairingly hollow, this is no game. Moment to moment I choose You Abba, I choose You. And when I fall down I will return and choose You again.
I AM in you and I stake my claim, My seal is upon you. You belong to Me and My Kingdom. I cannot get past those words... you belong to Me... My mind replays them as my thoughts try to catch up... You sound like Jesus... You sound like a passionate and jealous God that wins my heart over and over with only a glance, let alone words filled with such determined passion dripping with love. Ahhh... your hearing is good right now. I realize my mouth hangs open and I close it with a smile... my hands are clutching onto Yours I do not want to let go.
Monday, July 2, 2012
You go to crazy lengths to love us
Jan 4/12 Journal excerpt.
So Abba... may I fill up Your cup?
The steam wafts up comfortably in fleeting tendrils as I sit unable to wipe the smile from my face. I rest my face on my hand and look over at You. You are seriously cool, I laugh. In return, Your low laugh shakes Your shoulders and Your smile is almost as big as mine.
It took me just a little while to hear Your voice last night but when I did I was thrilled. This was the second time that You obviously spoke to someone before I had given any detail and gave them direction and thoughts to an answer for me.... which made it so You. It also seemed to give some creedence to my belief that we can come into a very deep relationship with You that mirrors, however in part, the relationship of You and Jesus. The "knowing" is definitely a fingerprint of Yours.
It is in these moments when I catch glimpses of just how far You go to love and connect with us (me) that I want to respond from all that is within me... thank You.
So Abba... may I fill up Your cup?
The steam wafts up comfortably in fleeting tendrils as I sit unable to wipe the smile from my face. I rest my face on my hand and look over at You. You are seriously cool, I laugh. In return, Your low laugh shakes Your shoulders and Your smile is almost as big as mine.
It took me just a little while to hear Your voice last night but when I did I was thrilled. This was the second time that You obviously spoke to someone before I had given any detail and gave them direction and thoughts to an answer for me.... which made it so You. It also seemed to give some creedence to my belief that we can come into a very deep relationship with You that mirrors, however in part, the relationship of You and Jesus. The "knowing" is definitely a fingerprint of Yours.
It is in these moments when I catch glimpses of just how far You go to love and connect with us (me) that I want to respond from all that is within me... thank You.
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