Aug 1/12 Journal entry.
Morning Jesus. A little overwhelmed this morning but I want You more. I want to state my dependence upon You and ask for You to organize this day with so much great potential. Jesus thank You for holding my hand and letting me stay with You.
I am here and I grin with deepest delight.
Hahaha... indeed you are.
We are sitting on the ridge line of a house roof, towards the sunrise. Oooo I felt that distinct sense of fall just now but it isn't fall yet... perhaps it is instead what fall has always meant to me... the delight and beauty of change. I am up for that :) You smile down at me and put Your arm around my shoulder.
Right... stay close.
I see how experience makes me passionate.
Wow I just spent some time with You in Your Word preparing for sharing in church and that was amazing! It was so cool how You knit together thoughts, experiences and conversations of others, where they are at and learning right now... truly an honor Jesus. Sarayu thank You for blowing through my room today.
I look up and into Your eyes... thank You.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
upping the ante and reflections with Jesus (day 12 of fast)
July 31/12 Journal.
So my Jesus I am most convinced today of Your further carrying me in my stepping out in fasting. It is crazy true. I have no need to fear, You take care of me even when it makes no sense in my logical mind /human reasoning. How else do I explain the sense of no worry or fretting in my abstinence and even when it is meal time there is no ferocious hunger. It made me wonder tonight if I couldn't up the ante even more. Running now is just me experiencing You taking care of me physically. And I love it. I love being with You in it. And this does touch things everywhere in my thoughts... I have yet to experience it but I anticipate it with delight.
So what's up with You... tell me all and anything You wish! We sit in our Adirondack chairs but I lean towards You awaiting what You have to say. You laugh out loud and shake Your head with pleasure. You are one of a kind. I feel my face light up at Your words. I love You. Leaning back You comfortably put Your hand out towards me which I gratefully place mine into. There are so many kinds of adventures and roads but they all serve to build this... You squeeze my hand. Things are accomplished but not without this as it's base and reason. You look intently into my eyes, I want you to stay close. I nod. Your eyes crinkle as You smile and You then lean Your head back on the chair closing Your eyes but not letting go of my hand.
You may want me to but I need to.
Hmmm. Go ahead and ask... it's not like I can't hear You. You chuckle ever so quietly.
Well I was just thinking about how do I maintain this closeness when I am not fasting but I think You are answering me in my head as I am asking...lol...
Is it fasting that makes us close?
No. It is what is learned during this time.
Fasting isn't magic or the how to, it is only used as a vehicle... or as a door to open up more. In itself it is nothing.
But it can change my life can't it?
Well yes in the way that it can shift your paradigms and raise up new habits or decisions that mold your days instead of continuing in your previous ways.
This may sound weird but what if I want to fast as a way of life?
Well this can happen in the sense that You start to live more and more surrendered to Me. Giving up things for me becomes the default instead of the concentrated occasional effort. Letting yourself be changed by KNOWING Me and always seeking that... and your life becomes one of worship to Me.. to Me alone. Sound familiar?
Yes.
Surrender holds hands with Dependence. I put my head down and lay my cheek against Your hand, You are all I want Jesus... I feel You put Your other hand on the top of my head so gently.
Little One you are mine.
We stay here all night, I fall asleep with my head on Your lap.
So my Jesus I am most convinced today of Your further carrying me in my stepping out in fasting. It is crazy true. I have no need to fear, You take care of me even when it makes no sense in my logical mind /human reasoning. How else do I explain the sense of no worry or fretting in my abstinence and even when it is meal time there is no ferocious hunger. It made me wonder tonight if I couldn't up the ante even more. Running now is just me experiencing You taking care of me physically. And I love it. I love being with You in it. And this does touch things everywhere in my thoughts... I have yet to experience it but I anticipate it with delight.
So what's up with You... tell me all and anything You wish! We sit in our Adirondack chairs but I lean towards You awaiting what You have to say. You laugh out loud and shake Your head with pleasure. You are one of a kind. I feel my face light up at Your words. I love You. Leaning back You comfortably put Your hand out towards me which I gratefully place mine into. There are so many kinds of adventures and roads but they all serve to build this... You squeeze my hand. Things are accomplished but not without this as it's base and reason. You look intently into my eyes, I want you to stay close. I nod. Your eyes crinkle as You smile and You then lean Your head back on the chair closing Your eyes but not letting go of my hand.
You may want me to but I need to.
Hmmm. Go ahead and ask... it's not like I can't hear You. You chuckle ever so quietly.
Well I was just thinking about how do I maintain this closeness when I am not fasting but I think You are answering me in my head as I am asking...lol...
Is it fasting that makes us close?
No. It is what is learned during this time.
Fasting isn't magic or the how to, it is only used as a vehicle... or as a door to open up more. In itself it is nothing.
But it can change my life can't it?
Well yes in the way that it can shift your paradigms and raise up new habits or decisions that mold your days instead of continuing in your previous ways.
This may sound weird but what if I want to fast as a way of life?
Well this can happen in the sense that You start to live more and more surrendered to Me. Giving up things for me becomes the default instead of the concentrated occasional effort. Letting yourself be changed by KNOWING Me and always seeking that... and your life becomes one of worship to Me.. to Me alone. Sound familiar?
Yes.
Surrender holds hands with Dependence. I put my head down and lay my cheek against Your hand, You are all I want Jesus... I feel You put Your other hand on the top of my head so gently.
Little One you are mine.
We stay here all night, I fall asleep with my head on Your lap.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
All I want (day 11 of fast)
July 30/12 Journal.
Jesus, I realize the minutes and hours of today are already slipping away but after my breakfast all I really wanted was to come and be with You. To meet You and hear You talk to me. I yearn to know Your love.
That is easy... does this view give you even an impression of the vastness of what I feel for you?
As my eyes take in the enormous panorama around us I am without words... we are sitting atop a very high place in fact I see no other place higher at the moment. The expanse expressed by the sloping valleys covered in low grasses of many colors. Rock and half buried rock seem to climb right out of the ground with fingers of sometimes great proportion or barely a gleaning of them... The sky adds only drama to this scene... the scattered clouds and wind that keeps them moving, transforming, seem to bring to life, with light, the ground ... the dramatic lights and darks travel across the plains and even if it only rests but a moment in one place in that one moment it is just so alive. A showcase of beauty ... the beauty of vastness... oh! there are no trees here.
We too are touched with the wind and my hair flies about my face as I sit so still drinking in this scene before me. You gently reach over and gather my hair holding it in a ponytail. I turn to face You. The softness in Your eyes will forever melt my very soul.
I do see Jesus I do see.
Good. You can't ask too many times you know, You can't wear out or use up your chances to see Me or hear Me express to you my love for you.
I at many times can barely grasp even the thought of that for what do I give You in return?
But that is the nature of my love it isn't requiring a response, it just is.
Yes and even my response there is out of line if I believe You are who You say You are. I am sorry.
I set aside self and I turn to face You. I have to say Jesus... I don't think my time of fasting has been hard enough. What I mean, is it seems like You are so carrying me through it, enough so that I don't feel like I am sharing in Your suffering?
But you actually do not see all that I am doing either.
Oh.
Remember the layer thing. For instance how many times in your life have you actually taken any real time thinking about the physical needs of your body and not depending upon yourself to take care of it? Have you even really considered that if you didn't have, that I would or could sustain you... physically? And what does that realization mean to the rest of your life? What does that knowledge shift in other things? What does that mean to the extent to which you are willing to surrender to me? Or for that matter even realize what you can surrender to Me?
So Jesus I have a thought now... what if I upped the ante? Because when I look at it now I see that my broth for lunch was also me hedging bets and I see that while I am dancing with the thoughts that You can sustain me in the absence of an actual physical need I also see how my brain will try to steal from that revelation... like when I couldn't run faster but was markedly slower I justified it like I was defending that You logically wouldn't keep me physically in regular condition that slowly my strength would drain (logically) as I fasted... I think that was an error. I don't need to defend You first off but I believe You could bring someone through whatever in perfect physical form if that was Your purpose. Is it mine? In a way yes I believe so why? Because You are showing me the error in my rash thoughts. And because I think You are inviting me into more.
You kiss me.
Open your eyes... I am still here lol.
Your face shines with joy and delight... love really. And I respond, my heart in a state of awe... I am much too far away! I climb onto Your lap sitting sideways and hugging You with all my strength. Your arms hold me with such protection ... authority??? I now rest my head against Your chest.
You love me.
Yes I do.
Wow.
Jesus, I realize the minutes and hours of today are already slipping away but after my breakfast all I really wanted was to come and be with You. To meet You and hear You talk to me. I yearn to know Your love.
That is easy... does this view give you even an impression of the vastness of what I feel for you?
As my eyes take in the enormous panorama around us I am without words... we are sitting atop a very high place in fact I see no other place higher at the moment. The expanse expressed by the sloping valleys covered in low grasses of many colors. Rock and half buried rock seem to climb right out of the ground with fingers of sometimes great proportion or barely a gleaning of them... The sky adds only drama to this scene... the scattered clouds and wind that keeps them moving, transforming, seem to bring to life, with light, the ground ... the dramatic lights and darks travel across the plains and even if it only rests but a moment in one place in that one moment it is just so alive. A showcase of beauty ... the beauty of vastness... oh! there are no trees here.
We too are touched with the wind and my hair flies about my face as I sit so still drinking in this scene before me. You gently reach over and gather my hair holding it in a ponytail. I turn to face You. The softness in Your eyes will forever melt my very soul.
I do see Jesus I do see.
Good. You can't ask too many times you know, You can't wear out or use up your chances to see Me or hear Me express to you my love for you.
I at many times can barely grasp even the thought of that for what do I give You in return?
But that is the nature of my love it isn't requiring a response, it just is.
Yes and even my response there is out of line if I believe You are who You say You are. I am sorry.
I set aside self and I turn to face You. I have to say Jesus... I don't think my time of fasting has been hard enough. What I mean, is it seems like You are so carrying me through it, enough so that I don't feel like I am sharing in Your suffering?
But you actually do not see all that I am doing either.
Oh.
Remember the layer thing. For instance how many times in your life have you actually taken any real time thinking about the physical needs of your body and not depending upon yourself to take care of it? Have you even really considered that if you didn't have, that I would or could sustain you... physically? And what does that realization mean to the rest of your life? What does that knowledge shift in other things? What does that mean to the extent to which you are willing to surrender to me? Or for that matter even realize what you can surrender to Me?
So Jesus I have a thought now... what if I upped the ante? Because when I look at it now I see that my broth for lunch was also me hedging bets and I see that while I am dancing with the thoughts that You can sustain me in the absence of an actual physical need I also see how my brain will try to steal from that revelation... like when I couldn't run faster but was markedly slower I justified it like I was defending that You logically wouldn't keep me physically in regular condition that slowly my strength would drain (logically) as I fasted... I think that was an error. I don't need to defend You first off but I believe You could bring someone through whatever in perfect physical form if that was Your purpose. Is it mine? In a way yes I believe so why? Because You are showing me the error in my rash thoughts. And because I think You are inviting me into more.
You kiss me.
Open your eyes... I am still here lol.
Your face shines with joy and delight... love really. And I respond, my heart in a state of awe... I am much too far away! I climb onto Your lap sitting sideways and hugging You with all my strength. Your arms hold me with such protection ... authority??? I now rest my head against Your chest.
You love me.
Yes I do.
Wow.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Day 7
July 26/12 Journal excerpts...
Morning my Jesus... so I have to ask when I ate breakfast this morning was it really necessary or habit? You just really have me wondering in a most delighted way. My mind so wants to control and manage today but I would rather have You direct it and I follow at Your side enjoying and being thankful. I need You for that without a doubt!
So interesting verses to pop out this morning... Jer. 33:3 and Daniel 2:22 (and surrounding story of course) I love that You are the God that is not only able but willing to reveal what is unknown and I desire to be that close to You, that I would know Your heart and ways and thoughts as You reveal. But I also know that it holds weight with it. Jesus prepare my heart and soul and mind to draw nearer to You, help me be about the first and then following beatitudes... blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven... blessed are those that mourn... for they will be comforted...
So I thought a lot about this passage in my shop and do You want me to share on a Sunday about it?
I am feeling grouchy today when it got to lunch time perhaps feeling the effects of less food... so I want to surrender my right to be that way to those around me when I am physically feeling weaker. My stomach didn't tell me it was hunger however it is just my attitude and general weakness that tells me. Interesting.
I am stepping into a very volatile situation and I am completely at Your mercy. Dependent upon You alone... I am unable to cope or manage on my own nor do I wish to as I would spend hours analyzing afterwards regretting, replaying, repenting, praying and obsessing. Please show me how to be different, be You. And give it to You. By the power of You Sarayu. I love You.
Morning my Jesus... so I have to ask when I ate breakfast this morning was it really necessary or habit? You just really have me wondering in a most delighted way. My mind so wants to control and manage today but I would rather have You direct it and I follow at Your side enjoying and being thankful. I need You for that without a doubt!
So interesting verses to pop out this morning... Jer. 33:3 and Daniel 2:22 (and surrounding story of course) I love that You are the God that is not only able but willing to reveal what is unknown and I desire to be that close to You, that I would know Your heart and ways and thoughts as You reveal. But I also know that it holds weight with it. Jesus prepare my heart and soul and mind to draw nearer to You, help me be about the first and then following beatitudes... blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven... blessed are those that mourn... for they will be comforted...
So I thought a lot about this passage in my shop and do You want me to share on a Sunday about it?
I am feeling grouchy today when it got to lunch time perhaps feeling the effects of less food... so I want to surrender my right to be that way to those around me when I am physically feeling weaker. My stomach didn't tell me it was hunger however it is just my attitude and general weakness that tells me. Interesting.
I am stepping into a very volatile situation and I am completely at Your mercy. Dependent upon You alone... I am unable to cope or manage on my own nor do I wish to as I would spend hours analyzing afterwards regretting, replaying, repenting, praying and obsessing. Please show me how to be different, be You. And give it to You. By the power of You Sarayu. I love You.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Day 6
July 25/12 Journal.
Morning Jesus this is Wednesday and I want to come and spend some on purpose time with You. On a fasting note I have to say I am boggled by how You indeed are keeping me physically to the point where it wasn't even an issue yesterday. I also want to thank You for enabling me to honor this commitment to You and keeping it between You and I and Ray. I was reflecting a bit this morning in bed and have noticed that You seem to be making some opportunities very clear in the moment... now I have not always been responding well or in time but I hope I will learn from this and perhaps I am learning to hear Your voice in the moment? I love that. I do want to continue to lift up our church and we corporately would embrace the movement of Your Spirit to help us let go of independence and take actual steps into You and learning to operate and live as a family dependent upon You. That is also my own personal prayer... God I know I have a long ways to go but I thank You for raising up this desire in me. Even though I don't know fully what it means. I love You Jesus so much.
So I am wondering how amazing You are this is another day of fasting and yet I have made it to lunch without any discomfort... I assumed that it would be a lot harder but I know You are being very present physically, this attests to it. Even adding my Wed. morning fast to it. Huh. So what are You feeding me? :) I was sorry for my impatient yesterday with my horse, I need to remember my patience in all things. Well I just wanted to say I love You again and help me please to be dependent upon You for all things and in all ways. Speak to me please.
Morning Jesus this is Wednesday and I want to come and spend some on purpose time with You. On a fasting note I have to say I am boggled by how You indeed are keeping me physically to the point where it wasn't even an issue yesterday. I also want to thank You for enabling me to honor this commitment to You and keeping it between You and I and Ray. I was reflecting a bit this morning in bed and have noticed that You seem to be making some opportunities very clear in the moment... now I have not always been responding well or in time but I hope I will learn from this and perhaps I am learning to hear Your voice in the moment? I love that. I do want to continue to lift up our church and we corporately would embrace the movement of Your Spirit to help us let go of independence and take actual steps into You and learning to operate and live as a family dependent upon You. That is also my own personal prayer... God I know I have a long ways to go but I thank You for raising up this desire in me. Even though I don't know fully what it means. I love You Jesus so much.
So I am wondering how amazing You are this is another day of fasting and yet I have made it to lunch without any discomfort... I assumed that it would be a lot harder but I know You are being very present physically, this attests to it. Even adding my Wed. morning fast to it. Huh. So what are You feeding me? :) I was sorry for my impatient yesterday with my horse, I need to remember my patience in all things. Well I just wanted to say I love You again and help me please to be dependent upon You for all things and in all ways. Speak to me please.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
second day of fasting
July 21/12 journal
Why I didn't come to the wordPad first is beyond me! Now it is 10pm and I am tired. But my heart isn't. It has been an interesting week with an amazing last two days. I am soooo glad to be seeking You out with this fast. I am so glad that You have put into my mind and heart the thoughts You have. Even the verse for today on my iPhone was connected.
In John 6...
" I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. But I said to you that you have seen me and yet do not believe. All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out. ... For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day."
"You will take care of me... You will take care of me..." this is what repeated through my heart and mind throughout the first day. And today's verse which is apart of You explaining that we must eat Your flesh and drink Your blood brought to mind that You are able to do so much more than I can imagine or have tried to imagine and are able to 'keep' me when logically it may not make sense. For example Daniel and his friends. Oh and I want to note that I had a lot easier time believing You would take care of me today.
Why I didn't come to the wordPad first is beyond me! Now it is 10pm and I am tired. But my heart isn't. It has been an interesting week with an amazing last two days. I am soooo glad to be seeking You out with this fast. I am so glad that You have put into my mind and heart the thoughts You have. Even the verse for today on my iPhone was connected.
In John 6...
" I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. But I said to you that you have seen me and yet do not believe. All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out. ... For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day."
"You will take care of me... You will take care of me..." this is what repeated through my heart and mind throughout the first day. And today's verse which is apart of You explaining that we must eat Your flesh and drink Your blood brought to mind that You are able to do so much more than I can imagine or have tried to imagine and are able to 'keep' me when logically it may not make sense. For example Daniel and his friends. Oh and I want to note that I had a lot easier time believing You would take care of me today.
Friday, November 23, 2012
writing down my intent
July 20/12
Jesus I feel You calling me to a fast. After seeking You out on this of what to give up and how I want to write down my intent and sacrifice.
I enter into this fast with You Jesus, Abba, and Sarayu because I want to intentionally with the physical reminder to seek You out deeper. I want to surrender my rights and independence. I want to hear You ask me... "how deep to do you want to go?" I want to learn and adopt an ever increasing dependence upon You that grows for the rest of my time here.
I am fasting my lunches for 21 days. I will drink broth but eat no solid food... if You allow me to veer from this I want it to only be by Your direction and to the glory of Your Name.
Jesus I feel You calling me to a fast. After seeking You out on this of what to give up and how I want to write down my intent and sacrifice.
I enter into this fast with You Jesus, Abba, and Sarayu because I want to intentionally with the physical reminder to seek You out deeper. I want to surrender my rights and independence. I want to hear You ask me... "how deep to do you want to go?" I want to learn and adopt an ever increasing dependence upon You that grows for the rest of my time here.
I am fasting my lunches for 21 days. I will drink broth but eat no solid food... if You allow me to veer from this I want it to only be by Your direction and to the glory of Your Name.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
feeling alive
July 18/12 Journal entry.
Morning Jesus I think one of the things I like the most about this morning fast is how it forces me to think through and commit to being dependent on You instead of what my habits or thoughts think I need or how I should do things. I want to confess my failings to You Jesus, while I catch logic it is amazing how strongly the emotional still supersedes it. Help me be strongly Yours, completely Yours in my relationships today. Jesus I still want to spend some time focused on asking for Your movement within our body to be even more bold in faith and dependence upon You. Holy God we need You like air, to really live and breathe... Help us want to live step by step under Your leading... help us seek to hear and obey... help us unite in Your Spirit more and more.
So now that I got my ramble over please speak to me of Your heart today... thanks for that little encouragement from Jesse yesterday when he told me I should graffiti. Loved that. Thank You for putting some passion in my heart for those struggling with mental illness and how society handles them or treats them... tell us what to do. Thank You for bringing KC home safe and sound with the trailer issues. Thank You for the good sleep last night and for waking up feeling good... that was quite incredible.
later...
Okay you have topped the scales now! In taking time (for myself really) I was reading the Shack and it reminded me of my delight and fascination with You... how my heart actually starts to ache in wanting to love You and be with You. And for that I can not thank You enough. Jesus literal tears came to my eyes whenever You are talked about or You speak... I am crazy in love with You and if I were at that cabin I suppose that I would be like a little kid following You everywhere lol. Wow does it ever feel good to have this reawakened.
it kinda makes me feel like this....
Morning Jesus I think one of the things I like the most about this morning fast is how it forces me to think through and commit to being dependent on You instead of what my habits or thoughts think I need or how I should do things. I want to confess my failings to You Jesus, while I catch logic it is amazing how strongly the emotional still supersedes it. Help me be strongly Yours, completely Yours in my relationships today. Jesus I still want to spend some time focused on asking for Your movement within our body to be even more bold in faith and dependence upon You. Holy God we need You like air, to really live and breathe... Help us want to live step by step under Your leading... help us seek to hear and obey... help us unite in Your Spirit more and more.
So now that I got my ramble over please speak to me of Your heart today... thanks for that little encouragement from Jesse yesterday when he told me I should graffiti. Loved that. Thank You for putting some passion in my heart for those struggling with mental illness and how society handles them or treats them... tell us what to do. Thank You for bringing KC home safe and sound with the trailer issues. Thank You for the good sleep last night and for waking up feeling good... that was quite incredible.
later...
Okay you have topped the scales now! In taking time (for myself really) I was reading the Shack and it reminded me of my delight and fascination with You... how my heart actually starts to ache in wanting to love You and be with You. And for that I can not thank You enough. Jesus literal tears came to my eyes whenever You are talked about or You speak... I am crazy in love with You and if I were at that cabin I suppose that I would be like a little kid following You everywhere lol. Wow does it ever feel good to have this reawakened.
it kinda makes me feel like this....
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
protect us from apathy
July 7/12 Journal.
Morning Jesus... I want to take the remainder time and focus on You.
I want to thank You first off that You reveal Yourself very physically to me when I take these Wednesday mornings to fast. I KNOW it is happening in Your power and I want to give You credit.
I also want to ask for Your Words... Your perspective... Your Spirit to fill me, to fill us. What do You want? What do You dream for us? Jesus please move us by Your Spirit to literally hunger after You and pursue You. Captivate our hearts and minds... make us alive again. :) So I guess in the same breath I want to pray that You would protect us from apathy, from the pull of our comfortable places verses going anywhere with You.
Morning Jesus... I want to take the remainder time and focus on You.
I want to thank You first off that You reveal Yourself very physically to me when I take these Wednesday mornings to fast. I KNOW it is happening in Your power and I want to give You credit.
I also want to ask for Your Words... Your perspective... Your Spirit to fill me, to fill us. What do You want? What do You dream for us? Jesus please move us by Your Spirit to literally hunger after You and pursue You. Captivate our hearts and minds... make us alive again. :) So I guess in the same breath I want to pray that You would protect us from apathy, from the pull of our comfortable places verses going anywhere with You.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
being still
July 4/12 journal bits...
So Jesus I am going to attempt another day refusing fear... inviting You into everything.
As this is my morning of prayer I want to continue it first with just spending some time with You. I have to say I absolutely love this crazy wet and stormy weather... and that ride yesterday morning with Bailey was so perfect, overcast ,no bugs and perfectly cool. Thanks.
I believe if we met right now it would be along the river on our couch. To just sit together and for me to be... patient... awake... recognize the deepest delight of being still in Your presence.
The wind plays with the leaves of the trees and stirs the grass across the river. The air is warm and comfortable. I noticed that You repeated "and I lay down my life for my sheep" A LOT of times in that John passage.
Yes.
And it is something You chose to do and it is linked with knowing Your Father and Your sheep.
Yes. I snuggle into the crook of Your arm and am quiet.
Abba... I want to ask You to help us wake up to Knowing You corporately as a unified, in Your Spirit and love, body. I want us to encounter this kind of dependence and decision... to hear and follow and lay down our lives as Your children and do Your will in following Your heart's desires in our loving back of You. To become a people who know what it means to know no fear. That would be crazy wild.
So Jesus I am going to attempt another day refusing fear... inviting You into everything.
As this is my morning of prayer I want to continue it first with just spending some time with You. I have to say I absolutely love this crazy wet and stormy weather... and that ride yesterday morning with Bailey was so perfect, overcast ,no bugs and perfectly cool. Thanks.
I believe if we met right now it would be along the river on our couch. To just sit together and for me to be... patient... awake... recognize the deepest delight of being still in Your presence.
The wind plays with the leaves of the trees and stirs the grass across the river. The air is warm and comfortable. I noticed that You repeated "and I lay down my life for my sheep" A LOT of times in that John passage.
Yes.
And it is something You chose to do and it is linked with knowing Your Father and Your sheep.
Yes. I snuggle into the crook of Your arm and am quiet.
Abba... I want to ask You to help us wake up to Knowing You corporately as a unified, in Your Spirit and love, body. I want us to encounter this kind of dependence and decision... to hear and follow and lay down our lives as Your children and do Your will in following Your heart's desires in our loving back of You. To become a people who know what it means to know no fear. That would be crazy wild.
Friday, November 16, 2012
taking Jesus to see my painting
July 1/12 Journal.
Hey Jesus... let me take You for a walk. Let me show You something.
Hey Jesus... let me take You for a walk. Let me show You something.
A few blocks later I put my hand against a building feeling the delight of the sun warmed brick as I pull open the door to the little shop. We've been here before but there is something for You Jesus... a soft laugh sneaks out as I pull You into the center of the room. I stand behind You now as I wait and watch You take in the pictures.
See that one? I point to the one it is a scene of a huge glass window... yellow and ochres taint the panes, dust and dirt clinging. Some panes are broken in their small square frames all the while the blur of movement, unfocused, streaks in front.
Distraction. Isn't it amazing what is left unattended while we move in an almost frenzied way to not see what really is.
Jesus...
Hmmm?
I want to see. I want to really see everything as You intended. With Kingdom eyes. Your eyes. I want to spend absolutely every moment with You... in Your presence. I cannot do this so I ask for it. I ask that Your fire with burn away all distraction and literally light up my soul in love and passion and a faith I can't describe to You alone.
We stand again... still... in one another's arms... not wanting for anything.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
the cup
June 27/12. Journal entry.
So here I am another fasting breakfast morning and ironically it was my hungry stomach that reminded me it was Wednesday lol. So this morning is all about You (as every waking and sleeping moment should be) and I am here to seek out Your heart and KNOW You. Before I bring anything before You is there anything You want to say to me?
You are on the right track.
Did I overstep my boundaries by sharing?
You know there are things that are between us and may remain so for a long time but why is that, ask it...
because I still don't want anyone to know about it
... so pride? fear? self protection?
Yes.
In loving people with my love you will find yourself more and more open and free because it isn't about you per say but about Me and what that means to them and the bigger picture, glorifying Me. So is it wrong to share what you are excited about? Whether you understand it or not? Whether you have words to accurately explain what you are experiencing? Even if you share something which you misinterpret something happens in the exchange. Love. Vulnerability in sharing, your confidence or finding them worthy to share with. Perhaps a seed that things should be looked at again and then again... questioned and pushed. I ask you to love and be alive... not to be perfect.
Hahaha, I remember that.
You smile with assurance and warmth and I see You push an empty cup towards me. I take hold of it and of course look inside lol. I hold it as if it held some treasured hot drink to be savored and look up into Your face.
I can fill that... I will fill that. Don't you.
Okay.
So here I am another fasting breakfast morning and ironically it was my hungry stomach that reminded me it was Wednesday lol. So this morning is all about You (as every waking and sleeping moment should be) and I am here to seek out Your heart and KNOW You. Before I bring anything before You is there anything You want to say to me?
You are on the right track.
Did I overstep my boundaries by sharing?
You know there are things that are between us and may remain so for a long time but why is that, ask it...
because I still don't want anyone to know about it
... so pride? fear? self protection?
Yes.
In loving people with my love you will find yourself more and more open and free because it isn't about you per say but about Me and what that means to them and the bigger picture, glorifying Me. So is it wrong to share what you are excited about? Whether you understand it or not? Whether you have words to accurately explain what you are experiencing? Even if you share something which you misinterpret something happens in the exchange. Love. Vulnerability in sharing, your confidence or finding them worthy to share with. Perhaps a seed that things should be looked at again and then again... questioned and pushed. I ask you to love and be alive... not to be perfect.
Hahaha, I remember that.
You smile with assurance and warmth and I see You push an empty cup towards me. I take hold of it and of course look inside lol. I hold it as if it held some treasured hot drink to be savored and look up into Your face.
I can fill that... I will fill that. Don't you.
Okay.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
here are the facts... decide
Dearest Reader,
Bear with me... this is one of those posts that may or may not make sense. You know those dreams that kind of stick with you? Make you wonder if there was something more to it? If you read this you went into it forewarned... welcome to some serious rambling.
June 25/12 Journal excerpt.
Need You Jesus.
Thanks. You are here. I know You are...
I wonder many times what to say but when I thought of You just now I remembered my dream... I wanted to be with someone but there being a very real barrier in the dream. The barrier was You but in that split moment I wondered if You were the other one too.
I need to cross over somehow, I have flitted along the edge of being with You too long... I weary of the come and go of it. How do I step into a new life lived being with You all the time? Is it possible or allowable?
Interestingly the other one in the dream seemed somehow a stranger but at the same time not perhaps the only reason for that was the feel of a type of separation. Also, I thought it was the other person that had to make the decision and I remember posing it just like that ... kind of like, here are the facts... You decide what it will be. Strangely and frustratingly there was absolutely no resolution in the dream. Huh. But what if it isn't the other way around? What if it is me that needs to look at the God facts and decide what it will be? Here it is Tam... it is all or nothing... take it or it is done. That sounds pretty harsh, could You tell me more Jesus? Resolve the story for me?
Bear with me... this is one of those posts that may or may not make sense. You know those dreams that kind of stick with you? Make you wonder if there was something more to it? If you read this you went into it forewarned... welcome to some serious rambling.
June 25/12 Journal excerpt.
Need You Jesus.
Thanks. You are here. I know You are...
I wonder many times what to say but when I thought of You just now I remembered my dream... I wanted to be with someone but there being a very real barrier in the dream. The barrier was You but in that split moment I wondered if You were the other one too.
I need to cross over somehow, I have flitted along the edge of being with You too long... I weary of the come and go of it. How do I step into a new life lived being with You all the time? Is it possible or allowable?
Interestingly the other one in the dream seemed somehow a stranger but at the same time not perhaps the only reason for that was the feel of a type of separation. Also, I thought it was the other person that had to make the decision and I remember posing it just like that ... kind of like, here are the facts... You decide what it will be. Strangely and frustratingly there was absolutely no resolution in the dream. Huh. But what if it isn't the other way around? What if it is me that needs to look at the God facts and decide what it will be? Here it is Tam... it is all or nothing... take it or it is done. That sounds pretty harsh, could You tell me more Jesus? Resolve the story for me?
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Sweetness
June 26/12
Morning Jesus, well it will be a full but I anticipate a good day today. Thank You for helping me sort it out without too much stress. Interesting how yesterday turned out and I for some reason was surprised. But I guess not.
Help me walk hand in hand with You today.
Thank You for the sweetnesses of yesterday... the smell of the weeds being crushed beneath my cowboy boots as I went out to catch the horses. Or the way I got things done and got some quiet time. The time of riding on our horses on the little lawn with Bailey in the rain, in our shirt sleeves and not feeling cold at all. And then having KC come out and join us, to watch us and sit in the rain. Running to and being hugged by Tyson was a sweetness. Even Ray coming with me to town to drop off movies. Jesus You are everywhere please speak to me more today, help me be aware and feel You. Take me over the line I have lived behind for far too long.
I love You.
Morning Jesus, well it will be a full but I anticipate a good day today. Thank You for helping me sort it out without too much stress. Interesting how yesterday turned out and I for some reason was surprised. But I guess not.
Help me walk hand in hand with You today.
Thank You for the sweetnesses of yesterday... the smell of the weeds being crushed beneath my cowboy boots as I went out to catch the horses. Or the way I got things done and got some quiet time. The time of riding on our horses on the little lawn with Bailey in the rain, in our shirt sleeves and not feeling cold at all. And then having KC come out and join us, to watch us and sit in the rain. Running to and being hugged by Tyson was a sweetness. Even Ray coming with me to town to drop off movies. Jesus You are everywhere please speak to me more today, help me be aware and feel You. Take me over the line I have lived behind for far too long.
I love You.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
let's hang out
June 12/12 Journal excerpt
I just wanted to come to You quickly before heading out to my shop, I am so very tired inside and out and have nothing but I thought maybe You might have something for me? Is there anything You want me to hear? Or do with You?
I just wanted to come to You quickly before heading out to my shop, I am so very tired inside and out and have nothing but I thought maybe You might have something for me? Is there anything You want me to hear? Or do with You?
Thank You for the sweetness of the air this morning.
Thank You that my coffee tasted very good.
And thank You for the warmth of the sun. These are things I noticed and relished.
Perhaps You could wake me up enough to hang out with You in a very conscious way today? That would be amazing.
How do I live each moment with the determination that You are my life.
How do I live each moment with the determination that You are my life.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
a declaration
June 5/12, Journal entry.
Jesus I am here!
I burst into the room and even as I am closing the door, my eyes are quickly scanning the room for You. I cannot help but pause You are like the sweetness of new rain and wet earth... I breathe in and feel at once so much more like myself. Holy Holy Holy.
You are sitting by the open window ... on it's ledge and I run across the room to You. You stand up to receive me into Your arms and then, if I ever wish for time to stop, it would be now.
After a time, however, we are seated across from one another fully engaged in conversation while the breeze continues to breathe into the room the scent of life itself. The movement of the gauzy curtains lifting and falling catch my eye and I know You are here Sarayu. Welcome. My solemn moment yesterday afternoon has changed to anticipation and well... excitement. Anywhere Jesus... Anything. I thought about my journey, being a self labeled Jesus Freak, and it is interesting to note how we have sojourned together. Even after my awakening I continue to marvel at the levels and depths You take me ever so gradually.
What are You thinking Jesus? I am thinking today is a big day and we should stand and take it in.
And so we do. The window ledges we were sitting on is where we now place our feet. I look up and see the structure of where we are... it is quite grand. The windows alone must be over 12' high and they are wide enough to stand with ease and be able to move... The three windows are shaped in a bay window fashion, except to great size exaggeration and it's brilliant. The frames in which we stand are wide open the curtains hanging loosely on the outside edges while the middle two curtains have been draped over a hook halfway down and so are at half the length which is still above my head. The room behind us is dim and yet very clean ... and empty. The wood planked floor tells of much time passing yet is clean and holds a deep color from the years of wear and refurnishing. The walls are bare except for small lights that hang down that really only light a small space on the wall it nearly touches. They are not at all intended to light the room but it waits for it's time to light up a piece of artwork or a message. I have to say that stirs something deep inside of me and makes me smile.
I look over at You and see that You are watching me take in our surrounding with a bemused look on Your face and that familiar sparkle in Your eye. I take the two steps over to your window frame and stand with You... close to You.
We look now at what is out there.
It is not in what I see however, it is what I feel. There is a statement being said in our stance together. There is a power of deep resolve and this leads me to feel the anticipation of whatever comes. Big, small, powerful, weak, all the vice verses, the contrasts, the light and dark. Whatever is revealed is what we step into... together. And it is good. To do this... to step into the unknown, the come what may, armed with... love... in all it's various and mysterious forms, unleashed by Your Spirit... brandished with Your strength... tempered with Your mercy, ablaze with Your justice. A long time ago at the beginning of my awakening You showed me an image it was a banner flown at the front of a parading army on it was embroidered a white stylized sword... Ephesians comes to mind "...and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints..." Hey Sarayu perhaps we will get to know each other intimately yet and as my smile breaks into a quiet laugh I feel once more the wind's breath upon my face and I close my eyes as I breathe as deeply as I can. Your arms then come around me holding me close and You lean down and whisper in my ear.
These words feel more than a message to me they resound like a declaration of (battle?) to what I cannot see.... yet.
Jesus I am here!
I burst into the room and even as I am closing the door, my eyes are quickly scanning the room for You. I cannot help but pause You are like the sweetness of new rain and wet earth... I breathe in and feel at once so much more like myself. Holy Holy Holy.
You are sitting by the open window ... on it's ledge and I run across the room to You. You stand up to receive me into Your arms and then, if I ever wish for time to stop, it would be now.
After a time, however, we are seated across from one another fully engaged in conversation while the breeze continues to breathe into the room the scent of life itself. The movement of the gauzy curtains lifting and falling catch my eye and I know You are here Sarayu. Welcome. My solemn moment yesterday afternoon has changed to anticipation and well... excitement. Anywhere Jesus... Anything. I thought about my journey, being a self labeled Jesus Freak, and it is interesting to note how we have sojourned together. Even after my awakening I continue to marvel at the levels and depths You take me ever so gradually.
What are You thinking Jesus? I am thinking today is a big day and we should stand and take it in.
And so we do. The window ledges we were sitting on is where we now place our feet. I look up and see the structure of where we are... it is quite grand. The windows alone must be over 12' high and they are wide enough to stand with ease and be able to move... The three windows are shaped in a bay window fashion, except to great size exaggeration and it's brilliant. The frames in which we stand are wide open the curtains hanging loosely on the outside edges while the middle two curtains have been draped over a hook halfway down and so are at half the length which is still above my head. The room behind us is dim and yet very clean ... and empty. The wood planked floor tells of much time passing yet is clean and holds a deep color from the years of wear and refurnishing. The walls are bare except for small lights that hang down that really only light a small space on the wall it nearly touches. They are not at all intended to light the room but it waits for it's time to light up a piece of artwork or a message. I have to say that stirs something deep inside of me and makes me smile.
I look over at You and see that You are watching me take in our surrounding with a bemused look on Your face and that familiar sparkle in Your eye. I take the two steps over to your window frame and stand with You... close to You.
We look now at what is out there.
It is not in what I see however, it is what I feel. There is a statement being said in our stance together. There is a power of deep resolve and this leads me to feel the anticipation of whatever comes. Big, small, powerful, weak, all the vice verses, the contrasts, the light and dark. Whatever is revealed is what we step into... together. And it is good. To do this... to step into the unknown, the come what may, armed with... love... in all it's various and mysterious forms, unleashed by Your Spirit... brandished with Your strength... tempered with Your mercy, ablaze with Your justice. A long time ago at the beginning of my awakening You showed me an image it was a banner flown at the front of a parading army on it was embroidered a white stylized sword... Ephesians comes to mind "...and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints..." Hey Sarayu perhaps we will get to know each other intimately yet and as my smile breaks into a quiet laugh I feel once more the wind's breath upon my face and I close my eyes as I breathe as deeply as I can. Your arms then come around me holding me close and You lean down and whisper in my ear.
[You are mine. My beloved. You go NOWHERE without Me. You belong to Me.]
These words feel more than a message to me they resound like a declaration of (battle?) to what I cannot see.... yet.
Friday, November 2, 2012
a conduit giver
June 4/12 Journal
Jesus I am so sorry... I miss You like crazy which makes no sense why I haven't been spending time with You... Today is overwhelming and I want to hide. There is too much.
I am sure You felt that a time or two. Where Jesus?
All I can see are Your eyes... I see an ache in them that I know I have caused. As I walked down to my laundry room this morning I saw... I saw that You have been loving me while I have been rushing around and then not taking my breaks to breathe with You. I saw that that is a hard way to love even when You do it because it is who You are... I am sorry to make anything hard on You. I am sorry that I waste even a moment out of my time here not being wrapped up in You. You raise Your hands and gently take hold of my face... and as You look so deeply into my eyes I see a tear form and slip down but it is in love... Your eyes are gentle and so sincere... your smile small but genuine
I am glad You are here.
Me too. I want to physically lay down myself Jesus and tell You and show You that I understand what I feel when i am treading water is so small in proportion to what You know and even though You aren't there now I want to minister to You there. We settle down on a couch on the deck of the Ford's place facing east and south. Everything is perfect the wood new and sturdy treated to a beautiful color the smell sweet in the newness of day or just after a rain... The sky pours forth messages of greatness and majesty dramatic and heart stopping in beauty. But it is in the right now of this moment that I look at You...
...voices and hearts continually cry out to You, others curse and denounce, some of the hardest are the lost ones... those crying and broken that do not know of hope, real hope... You...
You hear them all and ache. You lay Your head back on the cushioned couch and close Your eyes. I sit cross legged beside You and tentatively reach out for one of Your hands. Your hand is heavy and warm as I lift it up and hold it. You gently squeeze my hand in response but then remain so very still.
Father, Sarayu... I know You are here, as You are ultimately One, but I just want to ask for a time suspension, a time that is completely bathed and protected by love. I want a moment of deepest connection for [Your] heart and a returning love continually bathed in Your peace. I don't know how this works but that is what I desire for Jesus... a moment of a returning love that comes with the knowledge that it isn't ever going to end. I don't know perhaps it was kind of like this when the angels ministered to Him after the time of temptation in the desert. Except I want to be the asker. And conduit giver. As I spoke I lifted my hand palm outward to Abba and Sarayu but now I open my eyes and see that Your eyes are now open and You are sitting up and looking intently at me. I drop my hand a little shocked and wondering what You are thinking. You are now the one holding my hand and You slowly and firmly pull me into a hug. We stay there. After a moment I cannot help but start to weep. I love You Jesus so much and I ache that I forget to come so often.
After a time we sit facing out to the horizon. Comfortable in the stillness, the quiet.
I sometimes feel like I am on the edge of a thought and I fear what hasn't quite formed into words. I fear I am making mistakes being a parent that I cannot ever change nor stop the repercussions that come of those acts. Can I ask for forgiveness for what I do not know how to change? Can I ask You to redeem it and have mercy on my children? Can I?
We sit holding hands in a moment that time has no grip on.
Can You give me more?
All I have, all I am is Yours Jesus.
Yes that is so.
Anything it is Yours.
Abba Father sits down beside me and picks up my other hand holding it in his now familiar strength. I squeeze my eyes shut in the sheer magnitude of this moment ... the only word I can hold onto in my mind is 'anything' and it repeats itself over and over again.
I know You are here Sarayu and I am thinking I would love to be more like You. My existence to be about Abba and his words and messages and conduit for His love with the purpose of honoring and glorifying the Father over and over out of love.
I am thinking that Abba Father and Jesus just high fived but I have a hard time typing that because it seems so... human?
Jesus I am so sorry... I miss You like crazy which makes no sense why I haven't been spending time with You... Today is overwhelming and I want to hide. There is too much.
I am sure You felt that a time or two. Where Jesus?
All I can see are Your eyes... I see an ache in them that I know I have caused. As I walked down to my laundry room this morning I saw... I saw that You have been loving me while I have been rushing around and then not taking my breaks to breathe with You. I saw that that is a hard way to love even when You do it because it is who You are... I am sorry to make anything hard on You. I am sorry that I waste even a moment out of my time here not being wrapped up in You. You raise Your hands and gently take hold of my face... and as You look so deeply into my eyes I see a tear form and slip down but it is in love... Your eyes are gentle and so sincere... your smile small but genuine
I am glad You are here.
Me too. I want to physically lay down myself Jesus and tell You and show You that I understand what I feel when i am treading water is so small in proportion to what You know and even though You aren't there now I want to minister to You there. We settle down on a couch on the deck of the Ford's place facing east and south. Everything is perfect the wood new and sturdy treated to a beautiful color the smell sweet in the newness of day or just after a rain... The sky pours forth messages of greatness and majesty dramatic and heart stopping in beauty. But it is in the right now of this moment that I look at You...
...voices and hearts continually cry out to You, others curse and denounce, some of the hardest are the lost ones... those crying and broken that do not know of hope, real hope... You...
You hear them all and ache. You lay Your head back on the cushioned couch and close Your eyes. I sit cross legged beside You and tentatively reach out for one of Your hands. Your hand is heavy and warm as I lift it up and hold it. You gently squeeze my hand in response but then remain so very still.
Father, Sarayu... I know You are here, as You are ultimately One, but I just want to ask for a time suspension, a time that is completely bathed and protected by love. I want a moment of deepest connection for [Your] heart and a returning love continually bathed in Your peace. I don't know how this works but that is what I desire for Jesus... a moment of a returning love that comes with the knowledge that it isn't ever going to end. I don't know perhaps it was kind of like this when the angels ministered to Him after the time of temptation in the desert. Except I want to be the asker. And conduit giver. As I spoke I lifted my hand palm outward to Abba and Sarayu but now I open my eyes and see that Your eyes are now open and You are sitting up and looking intently at me. I drop my hand a little shocked and wondering what You are thinking. You are now the one holding my hand and You slowly and firmly pull me into a hug. We stay there. After a moment I cannot help but start to weep. I love You Jesus so much and I ache that I forget to come so often.
After a time we sit facing out to the horizon. Comfortable in the stillness, the quiet.
I sometimes feel like I am on the edge of a thought and I fear what hasn't quite formed into words. I fear I am making mistakes being a parent that I cannot ever change nor stop the repercussions that come of those acts. Can I ask for forgiveness for what I do not know how to change? Can I ask You to redeem it and have mercy on my children? Can I?
We sit holding hands in a moment that time has no grip on.
Can You give me more?
All I have, all I am is Yours Jesus.
Yes that is so.
Anything it is Yours.
Abba Father sits down beside me and picks up my other hand holding it in his now familiar strength. I squeeze my eyes shut in the sheer magnitude of this moment ... the only word I can hold onto in my mind is 'anything' and it repeats itself over and over again.
I know You are here Sarayu and I am thinking I would love to be more like You. My existence to be about Abba and his words and messages and conduit for His love with the purpose of honoring and glorifying the Father over and over out of love.
I am thinking that Abba Father and Jesus just high fived but I have a hard time typing that because it seems so... human?
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