a graffiti update

Oct. 31/13

     Figured I hadn't given a graffiti update for a while. Since I painted over my son's original graffiti name... this is attempt number two.  I had a lot of fun doing this one.  It was one of the first ones that I pretty much finished in one shot.  I did a little prep work but came together with a lot more ease.  Realized with the one wall being pre-painted just how much easier it is to paint on it.  That paneling is a bit of a bear... the paint runs real easy.  The first picture is pretty hazy I realized after taking a few pictures that it was because my phone lens was covered with sawdust... go figure!!

This was after I had played with it two more times... 

Gotta give props to one of my favorite T.V. series....

Sane and Insane

    Dearest Reader, while reading a novel this week and I quickly became totally absorbed in it.  Then suddenly a paragraph just jumps off the page ... in such a distinct way that I actually stopped reading.  Only to go back and reread it twice, thinking I should really write this down!
   It was saying this.... the things God teaches us... which often are how to make right choices He teaches us while we are sane (doing ok)  but the time that those understandings, those realizations really get used are when we are insane (struggling or fighting inside with decisions with what to do) it is then that we need to take our stand in what we have been already taught, no matter the consequence, because when we struggle we will fight very hard to take care of our problems and struggles on our own, the way we want it to go.  This can be very dangerous because the foremost thing we want, is for it to be over.  It is in the crucial time you need to stand and say... I am sticking with what I know to be true when I was sane. (okay).

I am all in

Journal excerpt... Jan18/13

   I am quite captured by our place on the ridge line even if my discipline fails me and I keep having to refocus to stay there.  Even now I am flitting around doing other details instead of sitting still... it is like I crave Your presence so much that I am overwhelmed, so deeply that I am scared to start or be still to receive.
   I am all in Jesus.  Every moment I know I am not with You I feel time has warped ahead and left me so far behind that a night is like a week. (thank you Lifehouse)  But there is a certain helplessness felt in that.  A desperation I suppose or despair even.
Please don't leave me here Jesus.  
But I haven't... I am holding your hand... I am sitting on a ridge line with you leaning against my legs ... we are face to face.
Why am I not hearing You?
Haha really?
Hahaha You know what I mean!  We dissolve into a laughter of absurdness and release for a moment but I take a deep breath in and ask what.?

A question

Journal entry... Jan16/13

   Jesus I can not start my day yet... I know I still want to hear from You.  

And so I sit with You.  Your hand in mine.  It is curious, although it seems I am the one sitting beside You lying on the ground and holding Your hand, I know inside it is the opposite way around. You're holding my hand and it is me laying on the ground, still broken.  But thinking on it I don't mind that (being broken I mean) for my soul rests in hope, in promise, in knowledge that I won't be here forever.

  

          So I have a question for You... my eyes look up into Yours in all earnestness seeking what can be found there.  

If I don't step into what I feel inside my soul here and in my present form will I step into it in Your fully and realized Kingdom?  Or will it matter then? Or be relevant then? 

You look long and deep into my eyes... and softly run Your finger along my cheek.

Oh God, I want to hold Your hand

Journal entry... Jan 11/13

   Hey Jesus... so my prayer this morning has played out extremely literal today haha.  Unable to move ahead I have taken each moment forward with You.  I couldn't seem to make the smallest decisions and had no strong motivation to decide which direction to take ... what I knew needed to be done, what I wanted to get done, and how I could escape it all.  Interesting.

   So the image of the hands has stayed with me and I find myself trying to find that message in other places and things and stories.  I want to touch You Jesus.  I want to be in that place where our hands meet ... our souls.  I am literally lost without You... and desire nothing but You.

   I want to write down a phrase that has come up two mornings in a row now during our time together.  It is about making love to life and I know that is a real weird way to say it but I think it is more accurate than not.  To love, adore, cherish, connect with all that encompasses my life is loving You in a way that it true.  The people in my life don't need to deserve it or ask for it or ??? but I should freely give it because I can and because I am full of You.  I can love moments and circumstances in how they reflect You or reveal You.  I can allow the dark and weary times serve to make even more luminous the light and life of You revealed.  And I need not weary of it.  For You are the source of life and the reason behind it You are the inspiration and strength, the power of it all... I only want and need to keep my hold, my grip on Your Hand.

Oh God... I want to hold Your hand.

I AM listen ing graffiti piece

Day six... running out of my cheap paint and am really wishing I had a choice of colors... I am excited to try new ideas.

we will have to see where this ends up...

I think I am going to leave it there for now.

"LISTEN."

A command given firmly, in love.

I look within and my attitude shifts...

"I AM listening."

A promise given... so steady, so true.

My heart leaps at this face of love.

and I respond, "I am listening too."

My soul soaks in the shared communion, 

the giving and receiving.

When I pause and look within

I am no longer where I once was.

I breathe deep and smile.

Holding hands

Journal excerpt... Jan 9/13

    Jesus, all I can see is them holding hands.  It is in the way that their hands move... desperate, clinging to life, reaching out for a foundation... and finding it over and over... it is the touch of connecting, a oneness. 

  There is something more, one hand says I am dying... the other I am living. 

   I can't shake it nor do I want to it replays over and over and at the strangest times of the day.  I want it to be our hands.

  

 

Finishing next graffiti project

Day four... adding a little more flare and practicing some techniques...

The end result...

Day three of graffiti

Day three of graffiti.  Finished my first piece.

So let me tell you the inspiration behind this first piece. In our church is a young man named Barney, he is seven years old.  After going to the VBS program this summer he tells his mom that he wants to be baptized... cause he just wants to follow Jesus.  So it was very exciting this last Sunday when he was baptized in the North Saskatchewan River.  He shared with us all before he went in that he just wants to follow Jesus.  Then adds... I have been looking forward to this since I was 6 years old.  How cool is that?

 My new project....

 ahhhh... my shop is shaping up.  Gradually.

day two of graffiti in my shop

Day two messing around with day one....

Looks a little different hey... having troubles with controlling paint and drips and I don't know if that is a paint nozzle thing or a type of paint issue or just me being a rookie but I will just keep practicing.  My mind spins with just so much more... the dream of getting a message out there in word and picture.

Here's a reminder what day one looked like...

   This whole thing is like an illustration of what I have been struggling to do with God.  He has called me to so much more and I have been dragging my feet.  I have been too afraid to step out and just do it.  Even just to try. Justifying it by claiming I don't have enough direction, I don't know what it is suppose to look like. But He finally pinned me down lol... on the roof of a shed at our farm to be specific.  We were reroofing the shed putting new tin on and there were some spongy parts of the roof (a little soft and not safe to stay standing on) so my husband asks for some spray paint to be thrown up to us and asks me to mark the spots.  Of course I dutifully marked them but then there was no stopping hahahaha!!!  Here was the canvas! A canvas that didn't matter! I could put whatever I wanted on it, no matter if it was horrible it was going to get covered up.  It felt so amazing I laughed out loud a lot... well until the paint can emptied out.  Something clicked as soon as I started and now I feel the pull even stronger.  It's funny I knew I was going to like it but it was more than that it was like a sense of freedom, of release, of life!  I don't know if you will understand what I mean but it was GOOD.

Not just stepping but jumping into the unknown

Dearest Reader, this and a few following posts may seem like quite a departure from my journal posts so far but I finally decided (thanks Shauna) to post it anyways because this is still my journey with Jesus.  

You may have noticed in a few of my journals including the one just before this I ended up before a huge canvas... there is a huge reason for that.  I am almost ashamed to admit it but I have felt such a weight and pull to create art ... BIG ART... for a few years now and I knew it had to be God pulling me because in my mind's eye it was different from what I had done before... more daring, more wild.  But I was overwhelmed and remained frozen there for a really long time.  Questions like how do I start? With what medium? Is it an image or emotion? 

       These pictures are from my first day of actual graffiti of any size at all.  This is a huge step for me I am one of those people that wants things to be good right away lol... and so the consequence is I either don't do things I really want to or I do a small controlled version of it.  Funny thing about spray paint though you are committed as soon as you start.  Hahaha!

These are my son's initials, he has been so supportive of my desire to speak through graffiti and street art.  

In my hesitating to actually step out and do this... I have been practicing while working in my shop with my lumber crayons...

                                                           Or on paper with pastels...

or just doodling on paper.... 

Hey Jesus, thanks for helping me take this leap.

the quiet oh moment

November 25/12  journal...

Morning Jesus... my hunger for you has grown so much in the last few days. It tastes sweet. I love that it is insatiable and knowing it. I will never reach the end of You.
   I better write down my revelation of this last week or so. There have been times where the old me tried using the usual justifications resorting to old habits. The biggest one was comparison. In not reading faithfully for instance... my mind did this dangerously quick ,well I know that so and so hasn't either ... or, well I know I am not perfect so it stands to reason... or, I am allowed to slide every now and then... hmmm  NOT. I may not be able to explain this fully but there was another immediate, just as loud, voice.
   Sorry you cannot compare yourself to another. You weren't called to that nor are you that person. Sorry you are responsible to this day's call of obedience not yesterday's. Your excuses don't apply... do they? In fact you are separate... just like I have been telling you in different layer lessons. Your approval does not rest in comparison to others. Nor in their opinion of you. I alone hold it all. Everything rests on and in Me... who you are, my acceptance of you, my love for you and how I view your actions. Stop looking through the world's glasses, I am giving you my sight don't waste any more time looking elsewhere.

   It was the strangest experience actually, feeling and seeing the hollowness of my previous thoughts and yet, a strange mixture of that affirmation of freedom in Him. However sloppily I was handling it. It was that quiet 'oh' moment... where I got something not just logically or mentally but felt it deep inside too. 

   I am here, my last moments alone today, before everyone returns. I am filled once again with a longing for You that can not be adequately described in words. A hunger of the soul that I know I can not ever get enough of. I want You Jesus. How can I express it?
    I wish I had the biggest canvas ever. like a whole wall. It would be first splashes and smears of color or emotion lines running horizontally and in one portion a collision of it all and the lines would then smear upward and downward. life and death meet... and it is beautiful. Ideally I would have done this with my hands and paint would be dripping off the wall and my arms as I reach up higher. You laugh and bring me a low scaffold so I can touch the whole canvas. I flick paint at You as You laugh and You come and grab me.

something anyone can do

November 23/12  Journal excerpt.

   It has been an amazing day Jesus thank You. Thank You for clearing my head and thoughts in preparing for tonight.  
   How was Your day?    You look over and give me a smile but it seems You have a lot to share. 
   I am here Jesus may I have the honor of loving You?    You sink down to sit upon the rock and I sit on one closest to me... one much smaller and I look up into Your face and wait. 
   I love sitting with You... we both say at the same time haha! 
   Come on over. 
   Okay.   I crawl up to sit beside You and I sit still but after a while I reach to hold Your hand. As we sit, we listen to the sounds of the water as it trips over itself trying to keep up. Laughing all the while. It is pretty amazing to learn to be about what You are about. Even though we muddy the waters often and have to let the current wash it clear again.
   How does it feel to sit by me?
   Absolutely soul satisfyingly sweet.    You kiss my hand, that is intertwined with Yours, as you chuckle at my words. I think I am starting to realize that it trumps pretty much everything.  Hmmm.      
   Something anyone can do. 
   Yeah it is.

the week things changed

November 16/12  Journal entry.

   Afternoon Jesus, I stole away as soon as I was alone and the one thing that stood out immediately was my heart's cry for You. It is just You that I really want.

   As I look back on this week that has sped by I am dismayed at my falling down so often and my inability to make the transfer to adjust to a new arrangement in house. So I sit still, finally, and I look weigh and measure. It is You I want. I want You to change me to adapt to absolutely anything that comes my way whether I am forewarned or not. Jesus I know it is possible in You. There is absolutely no reason not to love well. ( I think this is still one of the loudest lessons from my time of fasting) and not to be ridiculously thankful in and for each moment.
   I still must be scared a lot... why else do I put things off? Why haven't I painted yet? Why haven't I pursued so many things? I still fight with my selfishness... why else to I hoard time, sometimes being resentful at not having all I want?
   Well I am thankful right now for a moment of clarity and remembrance. I don't need to be beat up by it but I am once again presented with a chance to decide. Fight the good fight, I say. Sit in Your presence. Huh... pretty cool that those two statements are the same thing lol. Jesus things feel out of control but I will press into the rest of my day with You. Please take care of me.   

 

Just do it

Oct. 24/12  Journal entry.

   Hey my Jesus... I have been with You today in new and good ways... and I don't want it to end, ever. I want to learn to just be still and open with You. To share being with no expectation. Anticipation I suspect but nothing else. Hmmm. I need You to really live. That is so true. More true than I knew even 24 hours ago.

So here I am with the echo of Your words in my ear. "Don't over think it, just do it."
It makes me laugh actually (at myself). Simple.

I turn and face You, my laughter still in my eyes and smile.

You delight me Jesus.
You laugh... you delight me too.

Huh.  I step into Your arms for a hug (without the intent of ever stopping) I hear a familiar hum in Your chest, one of contentment and peace. I love that.

We now sit together by the river's edge our feet dangling into the water.
What would you think if I pushed you into the water?

hahaha what???? are you allowed to do that? hahaha

I see your sparkly eyes just before I am suddenly splashing into the river's water! I yell out a hey but am promptly submerged and excitedly swimming along with the current. I look left and right to catch a sight of You cause I know You are here! Sure enough You come alongside me and grab hold of me and we spin in a circle as we speed through the water. HAHAHA! I grab Your hand and kiss it Thank You Jesus, thank You so much. I cannot describe adequately just how at peace I am right now... I now shift to hold onto Your shoulders and am pulled along with You... it is good to be so close.

 

The brick alley

Oct 4/12  Journal excerpt...

   Jesus I haven't been here in so long.  I need to get back to meeting with You just to be with You.  Jesus I almost forget how to slow down in my head I need to rermember I am on borrowed time today... it is a morning of bonus time. Thank You for that. I keep having all these random thoughts in my head ugh.  Perhaps we should meet somewhere? 


   How about in the four way intersection of this curious alley... all the brick walls of the surrounding buildings climb up and up yet in the center of the intersection is a tree and light is streaming down one of the alleys onto it. It is out of place but it isn't. There is a chair near the tree, a plain wooden affair. I know to do nothing else so I approach it... sitting down I draw in a deep breath. My chair and I are facing directly into the sun and it feels so good.  It must be the morning sun for it is coming in low and there is less heat but more beauty. 

Truth. 

Truth has a black and white element to it, abrupt, stark and sometimes harsh or disturbing in it's realization. Truth has earthy tones to it as well... comforting, secure, inviting, all encompassing. I know there are more colors but today this is all I see. I close my eyes and watch the sunlight dance behind my eyelids... and I open my hands in a purposeful way. 

 

a prodigal returns

Oct 15/12

Jesus I feel like a beginner. I haven't been writing in so long or with any discipline and I know that it has it's consequences. I wondered if I might just type into it today... ramble until I am able to connect with You again. So here I am.  I just wanted to tell You that I love You. What are we up to today?

Thankful list

for bedtime, for Bailey enjoying paintball, for Jesse winning a tournament, for KC's good job watching out for Bailey and Jesse, for work, for blue sky and beautiful mountains, for ice fields, for friendly people, for Your perfectly timed Scripture, for the IPad, for fire in my shop and a mild morning, for quiet, for tea, for music, for freedom.

There is something beautiful in living each moment or each day unto itself. To stop for that brief time to plan or schedule worry or obsess. Instead to sing loud ridiculously loud being thankful under my breath that I am working at that moment with power tools lol. To follow a nudge and be totally engaged in it. To feel. To see. I wonder if in the rest of my life I can endeavor to link more and more of these moments together. I wonder.

So now just before making supper I want to come and say hey. Life is curious so different for each of us really another cannot suppose he even knows or understands what another goes through. I miss sitting with You Jesus. I miss being close. What else do I have but You. Even the sun means nothing without You.

What's wrong with my hearing? what to make for supper?....