Jesus, there is really nothing more important to me today than You. I have a list of things to do before I leave but being with You trumps it all. So the idea was suggested and has been kicking around of moving ahead intentionally engaging You as Father. I don't know how that will translate into my time with You and in prayer but I can imagine it will be more than good.
So I have some questions for You Jesus, Father. Why do I get that intimate relationship with You Jesus but feel so completely distant and unconnected to You Father; to the point that You scare me? Jesus is what you have always wanted... dreamed of and desired. You connected with Him, drawn in by His absolute and unwavering love for you. It hasn't all been instant but a building up of relationship. First believing that He would faithfully show up... that He was real and you could let go of more and more control and still know when it was really Him. Your trust grew. He spoke to your deepest issues... unworthiness, acceptance, and who you really are. This led you to trust Him to the point where you will go with Him where you are afraid to go. He holds you when you hurt really bad. Not always talking with words but sometimes just in the action... and even in this you are gradually learning to hear Him in the midst of it. On occasion obeying Him to the point of letting Him handle it instead of you battling it out inside for an extended time. And that my Little One is a really huge step, I felt very proud of you. His actions baffle you yet you have come to recognize his mannerisms and look and you, yes you ,know His heart ... the heart that aches to love connect and heal His Beloved. And there is the power of your prayers, your calls, your acts of love (Our love in You spilling out).
And now you want to get to know Me. Yes.
You don't know where to start because you don't know what to think or where to begin to start thinking. So how about I propose an idea. How about we start meeting?
That sounds really, really good. I want to say this in the most humble and reverential way possible but You really aren't scary are You. Your laughter booms out loud and free and it makes me do two things. Join You and cry. Which is not an easy combination lol. You sweep me into a huge embrace... one of strength and security. I recognize it from the hug under the water where it turned out to be You holding me... all that light, and it was with an almost defiant (to all else that exists) protectiveness. Thanks for that Father. Thanks for the way You told me it was You.
Interesting I noticed while You were talking to me, that we were on a bench. And the bench was in front of our little church. You know... I have noticed that when I've met with Jesus a few times on this bench that the church was in the background behind us but I kind of dismissed it because I knew what was in front of the bench too... which made it in our city. So my question now becomes is our church in this city? Well I suppose it is... you say this again with a wonderful rich and big laugh. Then You turn to look directly in my eyes and ask... so what questions does that make you want to ask?
Alot really. So Brad had suggested that this city is my heart. It took me by surprise when he said it but it got some wheels turning... two things come to mind quickly and that is... my church has become part of me, family, my heart, my body. The second thought is a wonder really. Is their backup, their prayers part of a reason I am even here?
I love your thinking Little One.
This makes the biggest of smiles cross my face and light up my eyes. Your exciting Father.
journal entry... Sept 6/11
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