Dearest Reader... have you ever come upon a realization of where you are and been completely shocked by it or that you were there unaware? A combination of two conversations led me into a realization that I was hanging onto a fear of God as Father and I was struggling with knowing how to pray ... at all. Now I don't know if that was always there (I kind of doubt it) but it definitely there now. What I knew intellectually and in theology wasn't matching up with what I was living and when I realized this is was overwhelming. In fact so much so that not dealing with it seemed pretty attractive at that point. However here I am facing the twist of feeling great intimacy with Jesus and at the same time fearing God as Father. I am going to piece together my rambling journal of this thought journey because of where it has now taken me.
Sept 5th... journal pieces...
My dearest Jesus... I never quite know how to start. I wonder if that is because we are quite often in the middle of a conversation... a thought partially formed. A prayer lingering... a heart stirred, noted and a going on. My actions often seem quite a mystery to myself lol... and I know You work despite them or with them. You are revealing Your presence to me. Thank You for that. How are You tonight Jesus? We talked about You this morning and some of it kinda irked me but because of the prelude to this conversation almost 2 years ago I was angry at all and could listen without instantly defending my position. Which turned out to be really important because there is something really important that I realized because of it.
....I need to take an aside right now. Jesus I feel overwhelmed right now. I am almost afraid to think and from the past experience I want to refuse that. I know I want to be under the water with You. Not just in it, with it lapping at my feet. Not far enough in that I need to be on my tip toes to stay above but in complete submission to relax and trust in Your being. To sink beneath the relentless strength of the waves and into You. Jesus it feels like a long time since we have spent some intimate time together... sharing, listening, being.
We hold one another with a touch that is so soft and gentle that it is like we are fragile. It is You that moves us through the water and I hang on... completely taken with You unable to look around and engage with anything but You. This makes a smile play on Your lips as Your eyes lock into my gaze. But You look where we are going and it makes me look in the direction we are heading and I am drawn in by the light playing in the water. For the briefest of moments I panic and wonder where are You taking me? Where are we going? And even as my chest tightens I know that wherever You take me is where I want to be.
Reader, I feel I need to let you in a little deeper there... when I was feeling that stab of fear I was afraid Jesus was taking me to see the Father. I know you are probably thinking what? Why? My head even reasons that I know I have been told, taught and even believe that they are one in the same BUT.
... Father I guess my image of You is needing some healing. I cannot think of why that is. I don't believe any traumatic moments have caused me to erect false images. Perhaps just teaching or beliefs I grew up with? Like the day I met You Jesus, I realized the night before that some serious error in my thinking had occurred. I hadn't realized it, before then, that I actually didn't believe or couldn't comprehend that You would actually want to talk to me... like right to me. Somewhere I didn't think I was even allowed to think that. And then I met You in the midst of listening prayer and my life shifted forever. You gradually became more and more of my safe place. I slowly let go of location, letting go of the need to control at least the comfort and safety of where we met. You were faithful and have been more loving than I could ever have conceived of. Well today was like that and it made me wonder if there isn't another really important shift I haven't made yet. I never finished talking with You about the division I had made with Jesus and Him as God. Is this connected to me struggling with You revealing more of Himself, which is cool, yet in that process I felt further from You (emotionally) than I had for years, NOT cool. You felt so far away, even though it was undeniable that You were right there?
I am scared of the Father. Yet Jesus has become my safe place. It makes no sense in my head because I know that Jesus is the perfect and complete representation of the Father, to know Jesus is to know the Father. Argh. So what is left there that scares me? What don't I see? What do I not understand, accept, believe? Okay I need to give my brain and emotions a moment to catch up...
Before I went to bed that night I felt I needed to revisit where I left off in my meeting with Jesus. Here's how it went.
...." For the briefest of moments I panic and wonder where are You taking me? Where are we going? And even as my chest tightens I know that wherever You take me is where I want to be." Pretty soon we are enveloped by the light that becomes so bright I squeeze my eyes closed. I feel You draw me into Your chest wrapping Your arms around me like a shield, a protection. But when I finally open my eyes I realize something... it is You, Father! The light is You, coming from You. So when I wrap my mind around that I realize that You have wrapped me up protectively with what I feared.
Dearest Reader, there's more... :)
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