Letting You be God

Journal excerpts from Aug 4/11...

    Jesus a lot of things feel crazy right now and yet I do feel planted in You... even though I can feel my footing being eroded as I am close to wanting to 'fix' things.  So I need to hear from You obviously.

What do I need to hear right now?
What if it isn't about you? What would be your role then?
Well to love....  to be who You ask me to be... 
Even if you not only don't get anything back? Or get even less?
Sure cause it is not... about me being supported or even liked...   But I am responsible to be consistent... despite the fall out cause that would be close to being like You.  Hurt or wounding comes out of making it about me and my feelings and wants... then comes the reaction out of feelings or guilt or people pleasing. That doesn't work at all. So what if it is about me even a little lol. 
You don't have to worry then do you? Because who is about you? and I mean all about you to the very last detail?
You.
 I AM the only One who can do that job the right way the best way the most loving way ... trust Me.
I do. Can I hold onto You for a while?

   You smile as You pull me in, You doing more of the holding than me... I don't want my sadness to build up Jesus. I don't want my regret or failure to make footholds. I can see that I need to be in Your arms alot to really learn and apply this lesson. My chest aches when things are off relationally... it always has. and it makes me angry inside and it comes out on my family. Angry cause it's not fair. Wow, that sounds familiar. But I don't have to hold that anger cause that's Your job to handle all that... I gave up my rights and myself to You, for You to be about me... not me. So I will give You all my tears too. Could You please keep holding me tonight otherwise I will be so useless.  Hey Holy Spirit... I need You to pour into my soul till it washes out my inner battle... till I see with Your eyes... till I think and feel with Your love saturating everything. Help me love You tonight with all that I am. Please. I am holding on ... I am right here ... go ahead and get ready.