The children on the fall road

journal entry... Oct 13/11

I need You to talk back to me.

   I hate being in limbo but I love the chance for conversation. So I will suffer the wait.
   What do You want to talk about or do just now? First of all I would swoop you up in my arms.. in the excitement of being with you and then we would walk together.

   We walk along the road littered with bits of gold ... with every gust the leaves dance so high before coming down... constantly turning and shifting catching the light. It reminds me of a parade with great fanfare. Bits of paper coming down in celebration. Just ahead are a group of kids and they rush towards us as they catch sight of us. They come with whoops and squeals of excitement, laughter resounding off the walls of trees that line the road. We pick up and hold them, we kneel down and listen ... looking eye to eye as they tell their stories and tales. With an abundance of hugs and kisses, given with complete abandon, they run off further down the road and disappear. The sudden sound of silence descends as the very last hint of them disappears from sight. Wow that was cool. Amazing. An honor. Huh.

I remember,
I hated not being seen.

The man on the porch

Sept 15/11

   I am here. I caught the scent of You when I was reading Zechariah this morning and even though I didn't go back to reread and linger on it... I definitely recognized You. Your heart I guess. 

I don't even know where to begin again Father.

   So we are strolling down the street, the leaves rattle in the branches of the trees that line the road. There is a smell of change and we see leaves falling and riding on the wind that catches them. We are heading east.

   A house is up ahead on the north side of the street. There is a man on a covered veranda rocking absentmindedly in an old fashioned, ornate rocking chair. His eyes are unseeing as his head rests on the chair, his face turned to the east. We approach the veranda with a slow and comfortable pace watching the man closely.  However, the only movement is his chest, rising and falling with shallow breaths. We climb the three steps and You walk over to the railing sitting on it with Your back against the beautiful column, and look in the same direction as the man. I move closer to the man and sit cross legged on the worn planks, still strong yet in need of attention.

   At the same time we find ourselves bent over reaching for a neatly folded quilt on the porch swing. With the softest of laughs we take it over to the man and tuck it around him. I catch a glimpse of that look in Your eye. It is so soft, gentle yet tinged with the ache of desire and a sharing of another's pain. As time slips by we move about the veranda sitting in various places always with a calm quietness. For a while his eyes close as he succumbs to sleep and it is then that I sit in front of his chair so I can keep rocking him.

   The afternoon light begins to fade and move down the street ever so gradually as the shadows lengthen and reach with ever stretching fingers. It is now that You, ever so gently, pick the man up from his chair and take him inside. I do not follow You but hold the door and wait for You to return.

    As You step from the house You reach down and grab my hand and we walk across the veranda and down the steps. There is a purpose and determinedness to Your pace which I instantly pick up on and match. You haven't looked at me but I know it is because Your focus is on the Father. And He is where we are headed. I feel You squeeze my hand as we press on. We come to the edge of the valley and start down the steep slope. For a while we are swallowed up by the still green foliage but slowly the tree trunks grow larger and farther apart. The last vestiges of light that fall at sharp angles through the now ancient trees has a definite warm glow even though it's heat is not felt. At one point we cross the river and start climbing up the boulders and into the openness of the cliff face.
 
    Even though we are not at the top we come to a place where the rock falls back to form a deep ledge. You help me up the last stretch and don't let go but pull me around to face the view with You, Your arms around me. We watch the sun set and then You are there Father. On our left. We all settle down into strangely comfortable places and I watch Your Son reach out to rest His hand on Your leg. Your hand instantly closes over top His in such a loving way. You two are talking but it is like the sound is turned off for me, regardless, I sit transfixed, watching Your movements and expressions. Your gestures move us at times to look at the expanse laid out in front of our eyes... the now glittering stars set in the inky darkness that pulls the eye farther and farther away. After soft expressions of knowing and understanding, I see the glitter of communion in Your eyes and watch the intimate laughter You share. The peace and contentment shown on Your face as for a moment You close Your eyes and nod. Even though I am just an observer I know I am not forgotten and time holds still as I look up and find both of You looking intently at me. My breath catches in my chest for a moment and then I rise and move to sit between You both. I cannot describe this too much happens at once. We sit together looking out and beyond hearing the music of the night and the soft accompaniment of a fire snapping beside us.

On a beach

Sept 13/11

   Abba Father... I need to sit with You I desperately want to hear Your voice, Your words, Your truth. I want to go deep into You. That's all I have.

So I sit and wait.  

I sit straining my ears to hear You.

   We sit on the log on the shore. There's hardly any light... but the sound of the tide as it faithfully pounds the shore and the smell of the salt mixing with the seaweed and driftwood heighten and fall on the breeze carried in from the ocean. I think I need You Jesus... I crumple as I lower my head into my hands on my lap. I feel You lift me up and then settle down on the sand with the log at Your back. I sit across Your lap my head buried into Your shoulder, I miss You Jesus I mumble as my tears course their way down my face and into Your shirt. Your arms are strong and warm and I feel You kiss my head softly as we rock ever so slightly. You are doing so good, You repeat every so often as I stop crying and stop to realize who's arms I am in. I haven't dared to open my eyes till now. The gray of the sky has lightened but the sun hasn't yet arrived. Without moving my head I look down the shoreline at the constant movement and think... that is good. Beautiful. I sit up and look up into Your face with Your eyes that dance with life and love and Your smile that stops time. My heart responds. My smile, rooted in the depths of my soul, blossoms open and You slowly move and softly hold my face in Your hands. 

hmmm.

I needed that. Or wanted that. I need You like air. You are essential to who I am. We sit side by side our legs stretching out on the sand our backs against the water worn log smoothed of it's rough bark and bleached by the sun and salt. The first rays of sun peak out touching the surrounding forest and cliffs with spots of gold. In a few minutes the shore, the rocks and the driftwood, of enormous proportion tumbled together like pickup sticks, are literally washed in the golden light. As soon as it touches my skin I feel it's presence ... it's heat and I cannot help but smile in it's comfort. I turn my head to look at You and find You returning my gaze. Just so much is said without words. I sigh and hold tight to Your hand.  The ache of needing You rising up in my chest, the awe that I am here with You threatens to push the ache to a fracture. Not in a bad way but in that overwhelmed sense of Your Holiness and Love. Kind of like arriving at that point of eternity where everything could fall away in recognition of this moment this truth, this reality. The deeper you allow Me to love you the deeper you can love those around you. I toy with the idea... like if I am filled with more and more love of Yours I don't have to hoard it to myself because I will realize it has no end and I can even challenge myself to pour it out as fast and as much as I can conceive and never can I out give what You are so ready to pour into me. The deeper you allow Me to love you the greater the power of that love that will pour over into the lives around you. That really makes sense because the deeper I come to know You, Your truths set me free of me... thus pushing the door open for You to come through me and where others have not yet gone with You,  they can have of taste You ... the reality of You coming through the love You are pouring out in and through me.

Goodnight Father

Sept 6/11, part two

   It really is time for me to be in bed Father but I just have to come and say goodnight. I can't remember having such an amazing God day as I had today. Everywhere I went I literally felt like I wanted to reach out and love everyone and connect. I was so excited about meeting with You this morning it was just so so good. Thanks over and over again. So I got to tell Ray about our meeting and it just fired it all up again ... I am excited about learning who You are, about how You feel and what You say and do. I already noticed just a couple of things. Even though Your hugs I recognize as a very Jesus move You, however, hug differently. The strength and security I feel in Your arms is so real and the feel of Jesus' hugs are just as intense but meeting a different need? Oh yah and I also wondered about how we talk and what we will talk about... in that there will be differences too... I am so excited to discover You! Anyways I'd better get to bed, help this road trip go well and beyond expectations I pray. I love You, Father....Your Little One.

Meeting the Father

  Jesus, there is really nothing more important to me today than You. I have a list of things to do before I leave but being with You trumps it all. So the idea was suggested and has been kicking around of moving ahead intentionally engaging You as Father. I don't know how that will translate into my time with You and in prayer but I can imagine it will be more than good.

   So I have some questions for You Jesus, Father. Why do I get that intimate relationship with You Jesus but feel so completely distant and unconnected to You Father; to the point that You scare me? Jesus is what you have always wanted... dreamed of and desired. You connected with Him, drawn in by His absolute and unwavering love for you. It hasn't all been instant but a building up of relationship. First believing that He would faithfully show up... that He was real and you could let go of more and more control and still know when it was really Him. Your trust grew. He spoke to your deepest issues... unworthiness, acceptance, and who you really are. This led you to trust Him to the point where you will go with Him where you are afraid to go. He holds you when you hurt really bad. Not always talking with words but sometimes just in the action... and even in this you are gradually learning to hear Him in the midst of it. On occasion obeying Him to the point of letting Him handle it instead of you battling it out inside for an extended time. And that my Little One is a really huge step, I felt very proud of you. His actions baffle you yet you have come to recognize his mannerisms and look and you, yes you ,know His heart ... the heart that aches to love connect and heal His Beloved. And there is the power of your prayers, your calls, your acts of love (Our love in You spilling out).

And now you want to get to know Me. Yes.
You don't know where to start because you don't know what to think or where to begin to start thinking. So how about I propose an idea. How about we start meeting? 
That sounds really, really good. I want to say this in the most humble and reverential way possible but You really aren't scary are You. Your laughter booms out loud and free and it makes me do two things. Join You and cry. Which is not an easy combination lol. You sweep me into a huge embrace... one of strength and security. I recognize it from the hug under the water where it turned out to be You holding me... all that light, and it was with an almost defiant (to all else that exists) protectiveness. Thanks for that Father. Thanks for the way You told me it was You.

   Interesting I noticed while You were talking to me, that we were on a bench. And the bench was in front of our little church. You know... I have noticed that when I've met with Jesus a few times on this bench that the church was in the background behind us but I kind of dismissed it because I knew what was in front of the bench too... which made it in our city.  So my question now becomes is our church in this city? Well I suppose it is... you say this again with a wonderful rich and big laugh. Then You turn to look directly in my eyes and ask... so what questions does that make you want to ask?
Alot really. So Brad had suggested that this city is my heart. It took me by surprise when he said it but it got some wheels turning... two things come to mind quickly and that is... my church has become part of me, family, my heart, my body. The second thought is a wonder really. Is their backup, their prayers part of a reason I am even here?
I love your thinking Little One. 
This makes the biggest of smiles cross my face and light up my eyes. Your exciting Father.
journal entry... Sept 6/11

Hitting a wall... fearing the Father

   Dearest Reader... have you ever come upon a realization of where you are and been completely shocked by it or that you were there unaware? A combination of two conversations led me into a realization that I was hanging onto a fear of God as Father and I was struggling with knowing how to pray ... at all. Now I don't know if that was always there (I kind of doubt it) but it definitely there now. What I knew intellectually and in theology wasn't matching up with what I was living and when I realized this is was overwhelming. In fact so much so that not dealing with it seemed pretty attractive at that point. However here I am facing the twist of feeling great intimacy with Jesus and at the same time fearing God as Father. I am going to piece together my rambling journal of this thought journey because of where it has now taken me. 

Sept 5th... journal pieces...

   My dearest Jesus... I never quite know how to start. I wonder if that is because we are quite often in the middle of a conversation... a thought partially formed. A prayer lingering... a heart stirred, noted and a going on. My actions often seem quite a mystery to myself lol... and I know You work despite them or with them. You are revealing Your presence to me. Thank You for that. How are You tonight Jesus? We talked about You this morning and some of it kinda irked me but because of the prelude to this conversation almost 2 years ago I was angry at all and could listen without instantly defending my position. Which turned out to be really important because there is something really important that I realized because of it.

   ....I need to take an aside right now. Jesus I feel overwhelmed right now. I am almost afraid to think and from the past experience I want to refuse that. I know I want to be under the water with You. Not just in it, with it lapping at my feet. Not far enough in that I need to be on my tip toes to stay above but in complete submission to relax and trust in Your being. To sink beneath the relentless strength of the waves and into You. Jesus it feels like a long time since we have spent some intimate time together... sharing, listening, being.

   We hold one another with a touch that is so soft and gentle that it is like we are fragile. It is You that moves us through the water and I hang on... completely taken with You unable to look around and engage with anything but You. This makes a smile play on Your lips as Your eyes lock into my gaze. But You look where we are going and it makes me look in the direction we are heading and I am drawn in by the light playing in the water. For the briefest of moments I panic and wonder where are You taking me? Where are we going? And even as my chest tightens I know that wherever You take me is where I want to be.

   Reader, I feel I need to let you in a little deeper there... when I was feeling that stab of fear I was afraid Jesus was taking me to see the Father. I know you are probably thinking what? Why? My head even reasons that I know I have been told, taught and even believe that they are one in the same BUT.

   ... Father I guess my image of You is needing some healing. I cannot think of why that is. I don't believe any traumatic moments have caused me to erect false images. Perhaps just teaching or beliefs I grew up with? Like the day I met You Jesus, I realized the night before that some serious error in my thinking had occurred. I hadn't realized it, before then, that I actually didn't believe or couldn't comprehend that You would actually want to talk to me... like right to me. Somewhere I didn't think I was even allowed to think that. And then I met You in the midst of listening prayer and my life shifted forever. You gradually became more and more of my safe place. I slowly let go of location, letting go of the need to control at least the comfort and safety of where we met. You were faithful and have been more loving than I could ever have conceived of. Well today was like that and it made me wonder if there isn't another really important shift I haven't made yet. I never finished talking with You about the division I had made with Jesus and Him as God. Is this connected to me struggling with You revealing more of Himself, which is cool, yet in that process I felt further from You (emotionally) than I had for years, NOT cool. You felt so far away, even though it was undeniable that You were right there?

    I am scared of the Father. Yet Jesus has become my safe place. It makes no sense in my head because I know that Jesus is the perfect and complete representation of the Father, to know Jesus is to know the Father. Argh. So what is left there that scares me? What don't I see? What do I not understand, accept, believe? Okay I need to give my brain and emotions a moment to catch up...

   Before I went to bed that night I felt I needed to revisit where I left off in my meeting with Jesus. Here's how it went.

...." For the briefest of moments I panic and wonder where are You taking me? Where are we going? And even as my chest tightens I know that wherever You take me is where I want to be." Pretty soon we are enveloped by the light that becomes so bright I squeeze my eyes closed. I feel You draw me into Your chest wrapping Your arms around me like a shield, a protection. But when I finally open my eyes I realize something... it is You, Father! The light is You, coming from You. So when I wrap my mind around that I realize that You have wrapped me up protectively with what I feared.

Dearest Reader, there's more... :)

Meeting You in others

Journal wonderings... Aug 18/11

What do You want to talk about Jesus?  I have to say... I am enjoying You popping into my thoughts alot lately. love You...

... if You, Jesus, are in everyone and when I reach out to love another I find You there I am  actually ministering to You... when You are weak, hungry, thirsty, lonely and in prison... I am not only free from fear (cause it is You I am seeing and not the possibility of rejection) I also am experiencing You being about me. hahaha. 
   When we become concerned with being loved, liked and accepted we tend to surround ourselves with friends, close friends. But let us challenge that...here's a chance to taste of that mystery we experience when we meet a stranger, yet bond with them almost instantly when we recognize Christ in them. Knowing without words they are family in Christ (or simply one so loved by Him). 
   So if I am reaching out to whoever You send to me or my path crosses I find myself very often in the company of a friend... some deeper than others, some for a brief time perhaps even that one meeting, while others for an ongoing relationship. But the gist of what I am saying is, I am never lacking because You (the absolute closest friend and love of my life) keep showing up, I don't have to surround myself with only a few, keeping the unknown others at arms distance, because if I am meeting You in that random stranger I am meeting my soul friend, Saviour and King. 
   Huh.

Still on the white sand

Aug 14/11 Journal.

   Morning Jesus I ran out of time last night but am surprisingly not sure about what You want from me today. I really thought something was to come of all that thinking and watching but perhaps not. I want to completely give myself to You. To ask You to fill me up with Yourself and help me let go completely of self and selfish ways. I want to be like You to those I get the honor of being around. Jesus I want You to be felt, touched, encountered by all who gather this morning. Continue to build us up as Your body as Your family... a totally inclusive family. Change and stir our hearts I pray.

   So You reach over and pick up my hands and hold them in Yours. Your eyes hold mine as well. I want to love You, Jesus, like the one who is completely broken on the wheels of living. Knowing I have nothing to give but my heart, my own self. I want to take that risk.  And is there any risk in it at all?
No. I laugh at the absurdity of it... knowing full well that my old self is so completely sure that it is soaked in risk, in danger, fraught with peril, hurt and damage. But the part of myself given to You is really the only part of me that is safe.

Meeting on the white sand

Aug 13/11 journal excerpts...

   Hey Jesus it may have taken me a long time to get here this week but I am here. Really here. There have been a lot of messages this week. Love. How we love. The differences in love. Being vulnerable. The risk of being misunderstood and does it really matter? The difference between hanging hell over someone as compared to being motivated completely out of love. And You. Wanting to walk in a room and be like You... connecting and loving as many as I am able. Not caring about what is coming my way but instead how much love I can give away. 
...

   I wanted to watch this movie one more time and meet you in it's message but I am too distracted to watch because I need You first.
   I can type a brave journal and declare all I ever want and need is You, even if it means I never taste the comforts I want or the love I desire from those who drift in and out of my life. That if, everything was taken away from me... that I will stand in the midst of trial willing to go through whatever You allow as long as You are right next to me but I know I am much weaker than my heart now wants to declare me to be. I know how, when the heartbreaking happens, I whisper my despair under my breath to You... wanting to not be here anymore ... how my life is more hated than loved. I am weak. So I wonder as I sit here in the dark, what of that.
 
   I want to see You Jesus...
  We sit across from each other on white sand. As far as the eye can see there is nothing but the ever reaching white with no breaks in shape or color ... even the horizon melds into the sky.  Our surroundings, however, don't hold my attention long instead my eyes return to Your face searching and wondering what You want to say to me. Aching to hear. What is the relationship between brokenness and love? Can we love without brokenness? How can we receive without first giving up? How can we give up without seeing? How can we see without cause to look? Two ways come that cause us to see... our own mistakes and failures force us to see... and seeing You for who You are -  Your light, Your love causes us to fall on our faces humbled. So Your love breaks us and Your truth breaks us. 
   Jesus help me be still and hear.

Letting You be God

Journal excerpts from Aug 4/11...

    Jesus a lot of things feel crazy right now and yet I do feel planted in You... even though I can feel my footing being eroded as I am close to wanting to 'fix' things.  So I need to hear from You obviously.

What do I need to hear right now?
What if it isn't about you? What would be your role then?
Well to love....  to be who You ask me to be... 
Even if you not only don't get anything back? Or get even less?
Sure cause it is not... about me being supported or even liked...   But I am responsible to be consistent... despite the fall out cause that would be close to being like You.  Hurt or wounding comes out of making it about me and my feelings and wants... then comes the reaction out of feelings or guilt or people pleasing. That doesn't work at all. So what if it is about me even a little lol. 
You don't have to worry then do you? Because who is about you? and I mean all about you to the very last detail?
You.
 I AM the only One who can do that job the right way the best way the most loving way ... trust Me.
I do. Can I hold onto You for a while?

   You smile as You pull me in, You doing more of the holding than me... I don't want my sadness to build up Jesus. I don't want my regret or failure to make footholds. I can see that I need to be in Your arms alot to really learn and apply this lesson. My chest aches when things are off relationally... it always has. and it makes me angry inside and it comes out on my family. Angry cause it's not fair. Wow, that sounds familiar. But I don't have to hold that anger cause that's Your job to handle all that... I gave up my rights and myself to You, for You to be about me... not me. So I will give You all my tears too. Could You please keep holding me tonight otherwise I will be so useless.  Hey Holy Spirit... I need You to pour into my soul till it washes out my inner battle... till I see with Your eyes... till I think and feel with Your love saturating everything. Help me love You tonight with all that I am. Please. I am holding on ... I am right here ... go ahead and get ready.