Journal entry Aug 19/10

   Hey Jesus this is a bad day after all. Not in events, just inside. I hate that I feel the all too familiar human struggles. I want to focus on myself, I want someone to understand, I want, I want, I want. I hate that. I hate that I am hurt by another's judgement and their decision because of it. I hate that I take that so personally and feel once again not worthy of the task. I hate that I feel beaten and want to give up on some levels. I hate that when I am overwhelmed it makes me want to swear. I hate that when I feel beaten down about what I am doing in our ministry that I drudge up all the dreams and wishes I have and feel so very far away from the goal. Then I say, without fail... what am I doing?


   Jesus I need to be where You are so desperately.

   Lies are just that... lies. I don't need to be hospitable and entertain them. "Who I am is not just myself." If I look at You I see well ya... that makes sense. Your Father was so who You were. You shut down Yourself to listen and obey Your Dad. You put Yourself to death so that all You held important was Your Father and His heart. When I look within it's just not that easy. I see times where You help me step back enough that I feel and know it is You coming through. Sadly, however, I often find I am staring at myself and wondering how the heck did I get in the way AGAIN! I will ask this question once again... so why? Why do I have the struggles and emotions I do? Can I not just acknowledge it is just me and let that lie down and let You flood my soul and take over? Wow, that brings the other thought to me ... I miss being You. I know how close we are by how I treat the strangers around me. Am I smiling and caring about all I meet? Am I, without thought, reaching out with a wave or touch? There is a lightness or freedom and just desire to love when I am filled with You. I miss that. So why can't I just decide to let the issues that prevent that to not matter and get back into Your arms? I know I asked this, sort of, last night but again I just am wondering; am I allowed to go and selfishly soak in my emotions? I just went back and reread my last journal... hmmm. I need to hear Your words. I need to quit insisting that I be allowed to do this right now. I will put them all back into Your hands and trust that You will take care of me emotionally too.

Journal entry Aug 19/10

   Jesus I am here.

   So when I read the second chapter of the book where the guy gets to go to heaven, I had a very strong reaction to it. As much as I would love to see everyone there... I want to see You first. And not with a crowd around; just us. Now I realize that this is just my wanting and You will have everything just right.  I just really wanted to tell You that.

   Jesus You are being so very merciful to me this week again... I know I am way overtired and yet I am knowing that You are near I am feeling excitement for You.... and I am doing ok most of the time.

Almost becoming unglued.... Journal entry Aug 18/10

   Okay Jesus the words are just not coming. I have to just spill out my incomplete and rambling thoughts cause I want to be here with You more than I want everything else. I think I know why I keep wanting to go back to that movie. Instead of making the time to sit and write I just want to keep reexperiencing what I believe I learned from You in this. I just want to see and then feel this intensity. Why this movie seems to have it in spades for me I don't know.  The thought that just came to me was... but what about the time spent with You when we are loving someone, praying and being there with them or for them? Am I being so selfish? With my desire to feel? Am I missing out on ministry time with You? Hmmm I need to get back into Your word I know. I want to get back to soaking time with You. I want to ride my horse as far as I can with no plan or limits. I want to be alone. I want to just have a day to talk about my feelings and experiences and wonderings. I want to not miss chances to love my children. I know You are getting me through this busy time and I really am thankful. I am wanting to connect thoughts with others about our church. I want to talk about what You are doing in each of our lives. I want to inspire others to love and get excited about You. I want to journal and share my life on my blog. I want to make wise decisions. I want to be loved. Hang on.....hmmm. There's one that needs to be looked at doesn't it? What is that about? Is it a love that I want in the here and now by others around me? It can be dangerous to want this, I think, because it can skew what I do, what I say, what I feel, how I react.  If I am content to be completely loved by You then it all snaps back into place. I am no longer motivated by anything else ... no agendas, no scheming, to do and get back what I desire or think I need.


   Jesus I exhaust myself. lol. Wanna hang out?
 
   I see us sitting on a pier swinging our feet and splashing the water with our toes. I then get up and lie down on my stomach instead so I can rest my head on my hands and look over the edge and into the water. There is just so much moving and swirling in the deep dark colors of the water. I turn my head and look at You. You are watching me. I just want to know how to feel Jesus. Why? Well do I miss some understanding if I don't? Or is there too great a danger of it being all about me if I do feel? Why are you worried about you? Isn't that My job? If I am taking care of you; can you trust me to carry you emotionally too? Perhaps the absence of expected emotion is a gift I am giving you right now for a bigger purpose than you realize. How do I live in contentment yet always wanting more? By dying to yourself and living in Me. Yes. Why would I ask to have more on my plate than is there at any given moment by You?

Journal entry Aug 6/10

   Morning Jesus.  What a beautiful day; I came in from my shop even though it wasn't coffee time yet. Jesus I just want to say thank You again. I had a chance to share a bit with Ray last night and I am so grateful for what You have done and are doing with me. I love You so much.


   Where are we? Okay, good... I was just checking :) I am content to remain with You forever. Badly worded... I desperately want to remain in Your arms forever. :) There are some wonderings I have... Why did Tyrah ask me that question in the exact words that Chantal used so long ago? Why don't you ever share? (in I Cor. 14 time) What am I to share? I will... tune my ears into what You'd have me share. Let me know and catch it. I love You.

   Oh I think I need to write down my dream last night... it was my Dad. I was with him in his hospital bed but he was much more coherent and I tried to tell him that I was there and loved him and I remember him holding my hand.  My mom came in and she was watching me at the end of the bed and asked if I was awake. I realized I wasn't so I woke up (although not really).  We were still there with Dad and we talked and remembered stuff (but I know some of it wasn't real).

   I remember waking up (for real this time) and thinking that because You have washed some of the distractions off me that I was able to have another dream about my Dad. Some more feelings I guess. The last dream I had of him was such a heart breaker but good one at the same time. I remember just sobbing because I didn't have a chance to really say goodbye and I was given the chance to be wrapped up in his arms (he was very healthy) and cry out my hurt and tell him I loved him. Then I didn't have anymore Dad dreams so I wondered if I ever would again. Hmmm.

   I am at the tail end of the day and so very much in love with You Jesus that several times today I just couldn't contain all that I felt. It felt really good. It was so, so good to laugh with Rick too. Well I think I will work on the worship set so what do You want to say with it?

"Hey now this is my desire...

consume me like a fire...

cause I just want

something beautiful

to touch me.."

need to breathe

'something beautiful'

Still in the ocean with Jesus

Journal entry... Aug 5/10

   Morning Jesus, I don't know if we have left our ocean yet. I've been thinking, it just seems that there is so much that no one will ever understand of what happens between us; except You and I. That, in the past, has made me feel very lonely and separated but I think I don't need to. I think the hardest thing to describe is just that depth of passion and love and hunger for You.  In the same breath, however, I don't think I will stop sharing those feelings and experiences I have with You for whether anyone understands or not; who knows what You want to use out of it all. While working in my shop this morning I felt something very exciting... while thinking of You I had that "I can't believe You're in love with me and I for You" realization.  When it hit me I physically felt flip flops in my stomach and that tightness in my chest.


   So are we still here? My first reaction is that yes we must be because of how I feel for You. You have taken me away from everything but You and have been stripping off the marks of the world. For instance, when I thought of what usually is a trigger for anger and resentment I instead thought of peace, forgiveness and a desire to set things right.  When someone didn't understand what I shared.. I wasn't crushed. Hmmm. I will die for You Jesus every day. My hearts aches so.... for You. 

   Well I guess I'll go back to my work I just wanted to check in with You. Hang on.. is there anything You want to say to me? I have been rambling alot lol. Look at Me Tam... look at Me and know Me. Know Me and My love for you. Feel it and hang onto Me. I am crazy about you... I have plans for us. I love You. Give what I give you to all those around you... like in a ridiculously abundant way cause you can't possibly out give what I give lol. Oh we are so still in this ocean! The honor of being in a place just solely with You.  To feel like all Your attention is just on me is crazily mind blowing. Yah I get what You are saying to me. I feel it inside and I think I understand what the words mean where the well will never run dry and that there is no need to thirst You are right here amongst us. Holy, Holy, Holy. Thank You Jesus over and over. I know You love us all in this crazy intimate way and that it is expressed so wildly in so many ways.  The beauty of Your creative ways to reach us are inconceivable really and oh so breathtaking in their beauty as they come together as You have designed. You are my God, You are my King, You are my Love. Holy, Holy, Holy.

Journal entry August 4/10

     Here I am again a new day and I know how crazily I miss and need to meet with You.  Here I am Jesus,  all filled up with life and emotion.  Even though I have a list of things I wish to do and accomplish, all I really want is to be with You.  By Your side is where I belong... and is all that really matters.  I don't think I'll ever fathom how I can have a week where I feel You right here all the time and then have two where I don't take the time to meet with You and I lose that sweet, intimate connection with You.

     I know I am here and I want You to come find me.  I stand before the ocean that is roaring in might and power.  The water, as it touches my feet, is cold and shocking yet the air around me is warm and heavy with humidity.  The wind whips at my hair.  I close my eyes and know that my tears are so close... as I yearn for Your presence.  You are out in the waves and looking right at me when I open my eyes.  I start into the water's cold and the waves pull makes my walking hard but I cannot go anywhere else but to You.  I start to cry because You feel so far away and it's taking too long to get to You.  But You don't leave me there... I am pulled into Your arms as we dive together beneath the water's surface.  The fury of the surface waves are all of a sudden forgotten and I know I am safe.  You are now everything to me... oxygen, life, existence... how do I hang onto this?  Be in it here...   We are slicing through the water so fast and without the slightest resistance.  I just hang onto You.  I almost come to a complete place of rest being here with You as we move... I barely notice anything but You and the fact that I am hanging onto You.  I think I need to be here awhile.  You have brought me into a place with no distraction.

    I have passed through almost half the daytime and one thing is very clear... I need to to stay here with You longer.  My thoughts, at times, get muddled and start going down rabbit trails but there is still a distinct knowing that we are still together under the waves... I in Your arms.  This is right where I need to be; still.  I love You Jesus, I love You.

   Now the day is almost at a close and I have been in Your arms all day.  I don't know when I'll be able to leave here.  I was thinking in my shop;  it is so obvious that I need this time of being with You.  So then, how is it that I don't do this way more often, even out of complete and desperate need?  In a moment today I understood that here is where things are washed away.  Clearing up my vision, letting clouds dissipate that have been obstructing my sight.  And I know what happens hand in hand with that action... I am filled with what Your heart is, the aches and desires to pour out love.  Jesus.  Jesus.  Jesus.  There are so many reasons I love to say Your Name...

Dear Reader... I am continuing with posting my summer journals.  Hey Jesus, I cannot retype these without saying again... thank You with all my soul for loving me through this season. 

Journal entry, Aug 3/10
    Hi Jesus, I see my self absorbed ways again today and it was when I took time to see them that I finally made my first good choice of the day.  I spent a few moments picking raspberries with Bailey.  How easy was that?  Way.
    So I haven't had any dreams about my Dad lately, was the last hug dream the final one? 
    I asked You to show up today and You did.  While working in my shop I felt a cool breeze come through and I looked up and out the open doors.  There You were... in the rain pouring down.  I went and stood in the open doorway and felt the fine and gentle mist of the rain as the wind blew it around and off my shop roof.  You make me smile.