Part 4  The Body Revelation

   Jesus I got very excited last night but couldn't get up and write down my thoughts.  Could You speak them to me again? 
   I was thinking about how we are to love each other... and the curiosity of my last lesson. Where I needed to (and You wanted me to) come to You first with my heart, well it made me wonder.  What then is the purpose of the body? (I know, extremist)  BUT... when we go to You first, and are loved so completely and perfectly by You, we are filled by not only a knowledge of who You are and what You desire but it fills us up enough that it then spills over to those around us.  Which leads me back again that the most important thing we ever do is to KNOW You.  To constantly deepen and work on our relationship.  The only real loving is when You love through us... so to constantly experience You in relationship, we then know how to respond and love those around us.  On our own we are afraid and unsure of what to say but taking You into it releases that need to perform well and we can just be real.  It isn't always to have a wise word, sometimes, it is to listen, to be trustworthy, to be faithful or to share emotion of a situation.  The 'agenda' or selfish motive is laid down in this kind of loving because it isn't out of ourselves that this powerful exchange happens.  It is only through us.
   Let me go back to one of the first thoughts... to be loved by You gives us what it is to be complete. To not have a void, to be content within.  We no longer need that love from the world around us here instead we long to spill it out onto the world. Which brings me back to Your words.. "I did not come to be served but to serve and give my life as a ransom for many"... it's true. 
   So what does the body do?  It gives us a group that is connected through Him the Head.  In this group we are safe to grow, learn and experience what He is saying to us, what He is trying to teach us, where He is trying to take us.  He sets us up as a body, that is meant to be so interconnected in order to function properly. (what a very beautiful way to express our complete dependence upon Him... this is His work and life we are living out, not our own)  When functioning properly all things are connected to the Head... when we hurt, when we struggle, we are surrounded by a people that will faithfully take us back to Jesus' presence.  Reminding us that He is the first place we must be THEN we SHARE the experience.  The diversity in which God will call us to serve that hurting member is unfathomable and unbelievably powerful YET we will not know how unless we remain so rooted and connected  to the Head so He can pour out love through us in whatever form.  While we serve, we are also being served, in the sense that, someone else is allowing us to connect again to Jesus through an experience we would never know outside of ourselves.  That is a deep loving act.  The more of these shared acts of connection with the HEAD we experience, the more willing we are to let go of ourselves.  Letting the old man fall away that calls for action that is never a failure, that calls for recognition, that calls for acceptance, that calls for a continually working up of status above others.  The more we let go of ourselves and become consumed with Jesus; loving and serving Him by loving and serving those around us, the more REAL we become the more CHRISTLIKE we become.  With that  (in the world's eyes) a definite power  (that is frighteningly undeniable) will be manifest because it is the presence of Jesus Himself.  "And they noted that they had been with Jesus"  When a body becomes alive, it has a power and displays a learning  that no individual can ever relate.  A deeply connected person, that walks with Jesus and does His will, is undeniably and incredibly used by God BUT when the world looks at him/her something can easily happen.  We put them on that, impossible to reach, pedestal that no normal mortal can ever reach.  If a whole body of Christ (filled with normal mortals) together is so full of the presence of Christ, it is something different again.  That group is never exclusive, if we are real we are constantly aware of our community and surroundings as well and are reaching out with Jesus' heart to touch them and love them and serve them.  When it's real, they are pulled in too. 

Part III  A Call

   Hi Jesus... I cannot help but feel You so close right now.  The yearning to speak and be with You is so strong that it's almost like my soul is speaking and connecting with You before my physical body stops doing the day to day and sits and acknowledges.  Curiously, life doesn't stop around me and I still am interacting with it... amazingly tonight it is to enjoy my kids here and there... what a treat. 
   But I am here now, again.  Need to Breathe is playing the Garden and they definitely touch me with their music, singing it from within.  You can hear it without sight and you can see it as you watch them. 
   I would love to visit about deep things.  I have to admit after talking to Mr. B I wonder what Your voice sounds like.  Oh and that moment last night, while KC and I were riding, was freaky cool.  There I was riding along, pretty much in silence, and wondering what Your face would look like while gazing up into the clouds.  Everything was there... deep and dark storm clouds that were pierced in between with the brilliant bright blue of clear skies.  Red clouds of the sun setting and some clouds that were so deep and in layer after layer.  So here I am gazing up when all of a sudden I realize Your face could be the whole sky.  It shocked  and scared me in that split second... in the face of a HOLY GOD who am I way.  It was a clear enough thought that it physically made me look from side to side to take in more than what my gaze could... Jesus I love You.  Real bad.  I wonder if there is any way I can love You fully while I am here on earth?  Huh, that has got me thinking.
   Doing everything for You... in love for You and of You. 
(Dearest Reader... take a moment if you will and pray that you will feel what the Spirit wants you to know with that one... perhaps a call to a deeper level?)
   This connects back to my Brother Lawrence experience that, as of late, I have let go of but long to get back to.  Now even more so...  Jesus I have missed You. 
   I am sitting on our boulder still lit up by the setting sun.  I wrap my arms around my legs and look into Your face.  You laugh with delight and amusement.  I see You Jesus, I see You.  And I see you  Tam.  I know.  Jesus did I do any damage when I talked with my friend?  Go.  Go and be excited with her about Me.  You have wanted to since you left, so do it.  Can You deepen my understanding about what was shared about the church?  The 5 percent?  Overall I don't like labelling but it gets a point across which I am okay with.  Really, if we get living in You... like really being You; I suppose it may be a small percent but I don't think that is how You made us... we are content with, or settle for, far too little.  And before I lose this thought completely I want to connect to the phrase... We need to know who (whose) we are.

The second part came as I wrote a letter to a friend.

Part II  Wounding and Sharing

   I just wanted to let you know I really appreciated the text this morning... couldn't reply, however, it was crazy busy.  I just reread it and it struck me differently and I kind of wish I would have reread it earlier but perhaps that was for a reason too... lol.  At church this morning a man and his wife came, he was raised in the area and he spoke with great firmness.  I thought it was interesting because ever since the board meeting I am purposefully trying to notice a bigger picture of who comes and goes and what messages are coming through them.  I guess this was of special note for me because he was speaking for the native people.
   Jeff spoke well, he thinks he overloaded everyone but I don't think so.  It was just a sermon you should go home and chew on for a bit I figure.  It was interestingly timed, however, because of what I shared with my worship team the night before.  I was telling them that there was a time this last week that when I was in a sad place, I had reached out to someone for comfort and help and didn't get it.  The result was, I literally felt a wall go up around my heart and a "fine I will never do that again" ringing in my ears.  It was awful.  I knew it wasn't good for so many reasons.  Now even in that moment I knew that Jesus was wanting me to come to Him instead of anyone else and most likely had this happen to 'force' lol... or strongly steer me to Him instead.  There is reason that He wanted me to come to Him first and I can even guess what some of them are without asking Him YET even with that reasoning I could not shake the wall.  Then, this links for me, to my understanding and learning about the body... oh wow does this cause questions.  Without taking the lid off that pot, I will say that I asked for payer that the wall would be removed.  Oh and I also did a bit of wondering about how I take my hurts, anger and frustration to Jesus alone to deal with instead of letting it spew out on the individuals around me.  I believe Jesus is slowly taking me to a perspective or understanding on that one.  On my way to church my cousin texts me a scripture verse from Phil 4:4-9. I didn't look it up till the sermon but the one thing that jumped out was that HE would guard my heart and mind.  (Very significant to me right now!!) 
   So part of Jeff's sermon was the damage and disease in our lives and how it's roots are often in fear or anxiety, stress and unforgiveness etc... Interestingly, it seemed to really speak to what I had shared the night before HOWEVER... it has got me thinking again because I don't know if it really spoke entirely to my specific situation after all.  Yes on some levels but there's more.  The shutting down I felt was not an anger at that person per say.  I didn't really feel they owed me an apology or anything, I was disappointed because I expected or wanted more than they ultimately were asked by Jesus to give.  This has got me wondering, here I am thinking that we as a body need to be willing to be open and vulnerable with one another so we really can connect and see how Jesus works in and amongst us through all things.  That open and honest sharing often bonds us together in a way that carries us through the surface family squabbles and dryer times.  But here I am realizing that Jesus wanted me to go to Him first because that is my deepest relationship to continually cultivate, experience, confirm etc AND unfortunately I take with me a battle scar of withdrawal to get me there both emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  (yes I take some serious lessons from Him to really  get things... yikes) Now I sit here thinking, for others that would also be a very important thing.  Everyone needs to be reminded and at times helped to go to Jesus first with all things THEN He seems to rain out the messages and ministry through His hands and feet (the body) to bind up, encourage, speak truth or confirmation of it.  (and we can receive it then knowing it is Jesus speaking and touching)  I see the extreme value in this because all of a sudden, we humans, are not placing ourselves in a potentially dangerous position of attaching ourselves to another thus giving them the place that Christ alone should occupy.  However, I also don't think that we are inactive in this time.  As a body we should be available to those around us, to pray them into Jesus' presence, to go with them, covering them with prayer so they are able to hear Jesus' words while in the midst of their wounds or struggles.  Now I can also speak as the wounded.  I should go to others not expecting them to understand the depth of my wounds and hurts but to ask them to cover me and speak over me to see Jesus alone.  To know that what I feel is real but His perspective has a greater power to set free or turn the tables to healing or a beautiful ministry coming out of this time.  I don't need others to completely undestand all of my pain to do this... and after Jesus is present in it again He seems to release what to share somehow.  And then in that kind of sharing it could encourage and speak perhaps to others that hurt or struggle and God's touch is again released further out and with power.

Dear Reader,
    Before I leave my journal entries from July, 2010.  I have four ramblings that are connected in my trying to understand dependence upon God and the role of the body of Christ.  How emotion like hurt and wounding can pull us away or draw us in.  As well as learning to die so we can really love, with His love.  I have left them till now as it was over the course of this month that many experiences and learning's came and went that took me on this path of asking questions and wanting to grasp a deeper understanding.  Interested?  Come with me then....

PART I   Questions about Dependence

   Jesus... there is alot on my mind this morning.  I make decisions that I don't know have any sense behind them at times.  Huh.  But regardless of these times it still serves to highlight what is right and Holy and good.  For in the presence of You, things come into sharper focus and the freedom of release is so obviously felt.       
   Before I lose my thoughts I will quickly put down my first question... the curious connection between the individuals relationship with You and the relationship of Your body and Yourself.  When is that interdependence required and when does the necessity for that to fall back so that we, individually, depend on You alone?  I also want to ask You about emotions.  I have seen them take over and have a power that is inappropriate in the light of You.  So what do I do in those times?  I don't think it is wrong to feel so deeply about things but to not be able to have that door open to receive Your perspective alongside it would steal the deeper purpose out of it, I think.  I experienced a day and a half of being nearly constantly in tears especially in the presence of any touch of kindness, and yet, when I asked for prayer I was released from it.  Now were those tears selfish?  Not entirely but yes, alot of them.  To receive such a release from it also speaks to me that there is something I need to realize. Could my openness to Your presence and perspective smother the selfishness out of my pain and bring out more clearly the purpose and beauty (and perhaps opportunity) that You can work out of it?  If I was able to experience deep sorrow and have Your perspective, would I not be filled at the same time with Your crazy thick love for those around me?  In that last day, I was hurting not only for myself but for all those that hurt.  I wanted someone to understand and feel for me (now I realize that is selfish) but I also felt that same desire for all those around me that carried hurt. That they would be seen and heard and understood.  In this case however, not only did I not find that... even when I asked for it I didn't get it.  As soon as that happened I threw up a wall..." well! I will never ask for that again."  In fact I felt it so strongly that I spoke it aloud.  Now this is when I wondered anew about the interdependence of the body.  It was like You were saying to me "I want you to come to Me for this and not go to someone else"... I understand this on the surface... I get that there are things we need to take to You alone and not through the feet and hands of others because You alone want us to experience what it is to be ministered to by You.  We need that base for our (Jesus and myself) deep intimacy.  So that we KNOW You and recognize You in the world and in others.  However this swings back to my first question... I didn't go to You alone first and in reaching out to another for comfort and not getting what I wanted I walled myself off more... In that hurt I determined to never ask again.  So how do I do this?  How do I know when to reach out and when to just keep it between us?  How do I expect others in their hurts and pain to share them with the body when I hesitate to do it myself?  Or wonder if they should be going to You first and then to the body?  What order do You desire for us to take here?  I am needing to hear You Holy Spirit... whisper Your wisdom to me I pray. 
   At our church board meeting a lady that normally isn't there came and spoke out of Your Spirit and did a good shaking up.  She lit up some questions and thoughts that we need to consider as a body.  I'm going to put a statement out there that may seem horrible.... but I think we have mistakenly been seeking the wrong thing from the Church for way too long.  We go in wondering what it is the Church will do for us.  I think this is wrong.  I don't think I necessarily have the words to explain it but we need to actually see what we are and whose we are.  There are no 'thoroughbreds' of Christianity.  We are all children... we are children of grace and mercy.  We can no better stand than the next person... we are all equally dependent upon Jesus for our existence, our faith.  And , as I think I am coming to see, within the context of the body we are also equally dependent upon each member to know what being Christ's body really is.  What it is designed to be, look like and how to function within Your will, desire and passion for us.  Hence I am now stuck at that thought again. 
   I have to pop another question in here... why am I not speaking up in church.. Why do I not know if I should?  It feels like there is just so much more inside me (letting You be alive in me) that isn't getting out and I want to set that free.  I want to die Jesus so that You can really live in my life.  I want to give up those rights and desires I seem to hang onto with a death grip.  Jesus have my heart and soul and mind I want my every action to be for You and due You... I see that I have fallen far from that lately.  Crazy.  I hate that.  I am so sorry Jesus please take me back into Your arms.  Take my face in your hands and hold my gaze.  Cleanse me within and let it all fall away... 
I am crazy about You...
Take me back Jesus.
Broken.... Tam.

later that day....
Yah I'm still here... not doing much today except bumping around.  Huh.  Thinking.  I have to laugh though (sadly).  Within the course of one day, I go from being lost, to being found, to losing my grip and then holding on one more time.  I will take this moment of perspective to talk with You.  What do I say in my weak lost moments?  Cut them off in Your name?  Or remember to ask for Your perspective through it?  I seem to live on a slippery slope.  ...

My two journal entries from July 30/10

Hi Jesus, I just got in for lunch and want to talk some more... or hang out; whatever the case may be.  You are crazily magnetic!  Hahahaha.... love it.

I am back , it is still today.  There seems to be alot of emotion bouncing around today but I have to say I am counting my blessings.  I got an amazing ride in, I got some work done... in the shop and in the house, spent time with Bailey on a puzzle and have a lasagne in the over ... that's great!  To boot it almost looks like some weather is coming in... I can't wait for another rain.  It's just like hearing You nearby.  I love it.  I know that this will always and forever be significant for this summer.  A memory, a lesson and a blessing. Thank You.

Journal entry July 29/10
Morning Jesus, I am just about to go out to work and I needed to check in with You.  The last two nights I have had dreams about people giving their condolences over my Dad and after a while it wakes me up and I have a hard time going back to sleep .. I seem to go over and over it. 

Wanna go for a walk? 

We walk through a field and pasture.  As we walk we take turns pointing out little and big things, enjoying all that is around us.  This makes us both smile.  We get to the top of a hill and we sit cross legged facing one another. The panoramic view from this hill is quite breathtaking but not even comparable to Your face... Your eyes.  I have nothing Jesus.  I have nothing.  While I sit here looking into Your eyes I believe I see something...  it's so many faces.  Some laughing, some crying, some serious, some asleep... and me.  Wow.  The myriad of faces keep scrolling by from all extremes and all those in the middle.  From every nation, time, and place. 

a song is playing telling of You in the garden...

Won't You take this cup from me
'Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray You'll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to You
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be Your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after You

In this hour of doubt I see
But who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale
        -needtobreathe-

So it is now hours after and I am still thinking about You and all those people in your eyes. 
I feel better inside today... more looking towards You and being able to not be ruled by emotion. 
Thank You for that. 
Jesus I love You.

The importance of being

Comments on July 28/10 journal entry...

So I came back to write down my reason for posting yesterday... I remember thinking after writing ... am I staying in the want and eagerly wanting more but not moving on to the receiving .  There is, however, something else I need to realize too. That I can feel that deep hunger for God but I don't always need Him in the way I think it should be.  Let me explain... Yesterday I journalled my want for a word or explanation from Him.  We live wanting answers to questions and to receive direction or gain understanding in our times talking to God.  But sometimes... even oftentimes ... I think Jesus just wants us to be with Him.  Soaking Him up with no demands at all.  To see where He will take things or will reveal in just that time of being together.  Being satisfied to just sit with Him reminds us to lay down ourselves at His feet, all of who we are, and look at Him and enjoy the crazy deep love He has for us.  During these moments things can become much clearer.  Maybe our figuring out isn't as important as we feel it is;  perhaps living in His presence, guided constantly by Him, in trust and obedience is what leads to real living.

Journal entry July 28/10

Jesus I haven't been here in so long it feels like a long week and a half. 
I got something else this morning... previously you had given me a picture of relationship and the depth of it through a movie but I knew when I went to look for that 'face' of it again most likely it would be different.  I assume so as not to latch onto something fixed and thus stifle the growth and reality of the relationship.  However we are often afraid to give up that one moment because it sunk in so deep and to step further in and away from that moment or 'face' creates the fear that we may lose it all.  But reality, Your reality, declares that if we are to stay in that moment we tragically lose what we are trying so hard to hang onto.  We need to have eyes that see and hearts open to receive. Then with faith and trust in You, to keep walking deeper and deeper and often away from what we know and into You.  I want that kind of relationship that I am always looking for You and how You speak... I will never forget those moments of connection but I don't want to be stuck in them either.  In the same way I am learning about the truth of the body... I see that You are way too diverse and creative and faceted to be boxed.  Seeing a coming together and unity in all those ways brings a beauty of such incomparable awe that we would indeed be fools to live content with only our own sight and view. 
   So this last week away from You I missed the intense tangible presence of You like I felt the week before.  Yet.  I knew You were there and again I am reminded that we do not always 'feel.'  Now my question to You is ... does it have to be that way? Did my lack of journalling make me drift away from You in some way?  Even if the state of my physical world is turbulent can I somehow keep that insane deep connection with You through it all?  Even if I had no hands could we have what we seem to have when we talk like this?  Did Brother Lawrence live constantly in the sway of passionate love for You?  It sounds like he did.  I want that. 
Let's meet?
   I feel like we are on a mountain top and looking down miles and miles.  Everything seems so far away.  I think You are holding me here because I don't think I am touching the ground.  It is not sunny and striking... it is overcast and a dullness settles on the view before me.  I am looking for You, I want to see You.  I know what I want but do You want me to see something first?  I look from side to side. The ranges and valleys go on as far as my eyes can see... the breeze is cool, not comfortable.  Do You have words for me Jesus?  Words that I need to speak?  I don't hear Your answer but I strain too, Jesus, I am not sure what I am seeing could I see it through Your eyes instead?  I know that there are glints of gold throughout this landscape but I cannot see them.  Are they Your people?  Why am I on a mountain top?  To gain perspective?  To receive a message for them, for us?  I do not need to be afraid.  You are here.  Yet I almost frantically seek out Your voice.  Why am I deaf? 
   I lay down my questions and realize they have grown from a wee stone to a tall rock pile ... I kind of laugh at myself and give them a push.  They tumble down and spread out losing their height and power.  Ha.  I close my eyes and try to just sense Your presence... it takes awhile but You grow clearer and closer the longer I stand here.  If feel You against my shoulder and my heart soars. You actually come around in front of me.  Holding my shoulders yet at the same time You grow huge as if You are becoming the whole sky.  I see Your face smiling and holding my gaze while I also see the sky and mountains, trees, rocks and valleys too.  You look so happy as our eyes remain locked.  In this moment I choose to let go of reasoning and fact and understanding in my own strength I just want to look at You and be filled with joy and love. You alone make me understand and I will trust You to reveal to me at the right moment what that means.  So I look again into Your eyes and I laugh... I laugh loud and it joins with your own and echoes down the mountain.  It is filling up the valleys , the landscape till it nearly reaches us once more.  I look into Your crinkled in laughter and delight eyes and I am filled with the knowing that this is where I always want to be. 

Journal entry July 17/10
    Jesus it is funny, I was so looking forward to posting another blog of ours... but cannot due to lack of Internet.  But that's okay there would be nothing to blog if I didn't just spend time with You and that is what I am most definitely here for. 
   Wow just sitting here sipping my coffee I had a wave of that deep feeling we shared yesterday and yes, my smile came back.  I love You Jesus so so much. 
   Where shall we go today? Where do You want to take me?  Ahhh back to last night.... I cannot express adequately in words how much I enjoyed Your presence during that very stunning thunderstorm last night.  The light show was breathtaking, the thunder at times so deep and loud and long.  It made me think of You as Father, then as You and then as the Holy Spirit.  When there was much lightning without hardly any sound was when I thought of You being Father.  The magnificence, the brilliant display. It made me think along the lines of what Matt Mayer shared... we see but don't fully understand or yet know who You are yet we are so drawn in.  I then heard that sound of movement, a stirring that broke the stillness.  I strained in the darkness to know whether it was rain but no, it was the wind coming ... and it came, finally, right to my window and then the heaven's let loose.  At one point a gust of wind blew through my window and the smell that reached me was absolutely intoxicating.  It took me to the forest instantly.  Thank You for that gift.  The wind of course spoke and reminded me of Sarayu... but the sounds, the rain, the light reminded me of You, Jesus.  I think the rain this summer is so deeply enjoyable for me because it just feels like You actually being poured out upon us all.  That is is You saying... just as you feel the rain that is how real I am, that is how close I am to you.  Now I love the sun but when it came yesterday I longed to hear and feel and see You in the rain.  lol.