my undefined calling

journal entry... Dec. 6/11

   So Jesus I don't know where to begin actually. I feel very full. An echo of yesterday but more defined somehow... It's like catching a thought that fills me with such an abundance of hope, excitement and delight. That there is a defined purpose in the bigger picture ... for me.  Yet are there words for it?
 
   What if I actually learn to be so filled with You that I love like You. What if that is all I do? There would really be no tangible things of note or accomplishments to point at or even words to define me. Because in so many ways Your love is beyond definition... and I really think that it isn't what we do that is important but how we do it (which in essense is - who we are). 

    If my life is defined by the undefinable even that itself becomes a hope to those of us who don't get that very clear call from God. We all know that fire and passion that comes from the one called and pursuing what they what feel and hear and know. What delight in being near someone like that ... inspiring indeed. But if you are like me and the call isn't in words take heart there is just so much more to Abba Father, Jesus, and the sweet Holy Spirit.

    The questions I ask are going to be different or take a different slant now. For what You are leading me into is literally a moment to moment thing. That doesn't exist outside of You. How's that for a sweet catch? A Holy twist? Most appropriate I say. For what leading of His would exclude His very presence to carry it out... it is only us who forget this and at times try to run and manage it with our own heart and effort and to our own logic.

    You know what I'd think is funny (interesting)... Jesus, if You asked me to write all these years that I have been, only to make one statement that, ultimately, was to love just one person... I think that'd be a really beautiful picture of You. There is no seeming end to which You will go to love Your beloved... including talking for years and years so just at that right moment the heart of Your beloved would be opened up and they'd meet You.  They would experience the love that has gone through hell and highwater to reach them. You are the ultimate romancer... Your Words, only truth and dripping with love. Yet somehow Your essence of Holiness and justice, mercy and righteousness are woven in and it covers us with a blanket of security and assurance that You are I AM.  And is it not ironic that it is often not as clearly defined in the smaller picture but absolutely breathtaking when our eyes are opened to it in the (much) bigger picture.
 
   My chest aches with You. For You.  Please help me and draw near.