Back on the cliff

Dec 5/11,  Journal Entry.....    

Again You draw me into You. 

   Your love comes from an infinitely deep well I think. That was a real hard time yesterday... but it ended well. And at the end of the day I almost wondered where the tears came from. Almost. We never finished our time together the other day but I thought about it a few times wondering if I could finish it without my fingers. My concentration is just not that good yet. 

   Jesus... I miss You. But what we have is still so sweet I would not wish to not have that either because I am learning to be who I really am.

   Sometimes I am left reeling at the pain of another... I said a statement to You this morning that things just seemed too good and it brought the sting of tears. How come I am allowed this experience of peace and delight, really. Especially while here.

   Another thought is just how freeing it is and an honor to just love another to love another. In other words with no other motive than to just love.  I guess it would be loving them just because I love You and in that case, that smacks of You completely. Nice ... now I am wondering how many people I can do that with at once until it becomes just how I am. Or, perhaps, finally becoming who You intended me to be all along. I was always drawn, even real young, to love those no one else seemed to see or want around. Sadly I wasn't strong enough to do that well at all and that made my attempts sad at best and although I hate to think about it... perhaps I did more damage than not trying at all. Will never know that however and I won't carry that ... it's Yours, sorry about that.

                  Jesus any chance we could meet on the cliff side?

   I hear Your laughter beside me and feel Your arm pull me closer till I am right alongside You. You are just so at ease that I cannot help but feel that for myself. There is a slight breeze that brings the scent of many things. The smell of heat radiating off the rocks... the smell of the woods and their whisperings. 

   The tops of the trees we look down on are close enough that I cannot help but marvel at them from this perspective. We can also see our river snaking along the valley and the odd time I think I can almost hear it's laughter. Off to the left I can see our couch sitting curiously alongside the river and I see that our rock and paint message is a complete reflection of light. The wood and rock sun flips from the painted light of yellows and blues. 

   Behind the couch leading off the shore is the trail that goes into the wood, the wood that the river hides behind. It's pretty cool to see something I experienced with You from this distance. It's makes me think about just how little we see when we are in the midst of situation. Not capable of entertaining the thought of how a moment can play into a much bigger plan or picture. Like my tears yesterday I was humbled and very much disciplined for my handling of a conversation. Left with frustration and .... but You gave me tools. You gave me perspective with words between us from my own journals. Does it really matter if no one understands you... and the challenge of motives or the reason behind the frustration. So I took that, complete with the reality of my emotion, into a second chance... the meeting last night. There is an accompanying relief in it all, a certainty of Your presence, in that I am learning, or trying to, as I bumble along.