my undefined calling

journal entry... Dec. 6/11

   So Jesus I don't know where to begin actually. I feel very full. An echo of yesterday but more defined somehow... It's like catching a thought that fills me with such an abundance of hope, excitement and delight. That there is a defined purpose in the bigger picture ... for me.  Yet are there words for it?
 
   What if I actually learn to be so filled with You that I love like You. What if that is all I do? There would really be no tangible things of note or accomplishments to point at or even words to define me. Because in so many ways Your love is beyond definition... and I really think that it isn't what we do that is important but how we do it (which in essense is - who we are). 

    If my life is defined by the undefinable even that itself becomes a hope to those of us who don't get that very clear call from God. We all know that fire and passion that comes from the one called and pursuing what they what feel and hear and know. What delight in being near someone like that ... inspiring indeed. But if you are like me and the call isn't in words take heart there is just so much more to Abba Father, Jesus, and the sweet Holy Spirit.

    The questions I ask are going to be different or take a different slant now. For what You are leading me into is literally a moment to moment thing. That doesn't exist outside of You. How's that for a sweet catch? A Holy twist? Most appropriate I say. For what leading of His would exclude His very presence to carry it out... it is only us who forget this and at times try to run and manage it with our own heart and effort and to our own logic.

    You know what I'd think is funny (interesting)... Jesus, if You asked me to write all these years that I have been, only to make one statement that, ultimately, was to love just one person... I think that'd be a really beautiful picture of You. There is no seeming end to which You will go to love Your beloved... including talking for years and years so just at that right moment the heart of Your beloved would be opened up and they'd meet You.  They would experience the love that has gone through hell and highwater to reach them. You are the ultimate romancer... Your Words, only truth and dripping with love. Yet somehow Your essence of Holiness and justice, mercy and righteousness are woven in and it covers us with a blanket of security and assurance that You are I AM.  And is it not ironic that it is often not as clearly defined in the smaller picture but absolutely breathtaking when our eyes are opened to it in the (much) bigger picture.
 
   My chest aches with You. For You.  Please help me and draw near.  

Back on the cliff

Dec 5/11,  Journal Entry.....    

Again You draw me into You. 

   Your love comes from an infinitely deep well I think. That was a real hard time yesterday... but it ended well. And at the end of the day I almost wondered where the tears came from. Almost. We never finished our time together the other day but I thought about it a few times wondering if I could finish it without my fingers. My concentration is just not that good yet. 

   Jesus... I miss You. But what we have is still so sweet I would not wish to not have that either because I am learning to be who I really am.

   Sometimes I am left reeling at the pain of another... I said a statement to You this morning that things just seemed too good and it brought the sting of tears. How come I am allowed this experience of peace and delight, really. Especially while here.

   Another thought is just how freeing it is and an honor to just love another to love another. In other words with no other motive than to just love.  I guess it would be loving them just because I love You and in that case, that smacks of You completely. Nice ... now I am wondering how many people I can do that with at once until it becomes just how I am. Or, perhaps, finally becoming who You intended me to be all along. I was always drawn, even real young, to love those no one else seemed to see or want around. Sadly I wasn't strong enough to do that well at all and that made my attempts sad at best and although I hate to think about it... perhaps I did more damage than not trying at all. Will never know that however and I won't carry that ... it's Yours, sorry about that.

                  Jesus any chance we could meet on the cliff side?

   I hear Your laughter beside me and feel Your arm pull me closer till I am right alongside You. You are just so at ease that I cannot help but feel that for myself. There is a slight breeze that brings the scent of many things. The smell of heat radiating off the rocks... the smell of the woods and their whisperings. 

   The tops of the trees we look down on are close enough that I cannot help but marvel at them from this perspective. We can also see our river snaking along the valley and the odd time I think I can almost hear it's laughter. Off to the left I can see our couch sitting curiously alongside the river and I see that our rock and paint message is a complete reflection of light. The wood and rock sun flips from the painted light of yellows and blues. 

   Behind the couch leading off the shore is the trail that goes into the wood, the wood that the river hides behind. It's pretty cool to see something I experienced with You from this distance. It's makes me think about just how little we see when we are in the midst of situation. Not capable of entertaining the thought of how a moment can play into a much bigger plan or picture. Like my tears yesterday I was humbled and very much disciplined for my handling of a conversation. Left with frustration and .... but You gave me tools. You gave me perspective with words between us from my own journals. Does it really matter if no one understands you... and the challenge of motives or the reason behind the frustration. So I took that, complete with the reality of my emotion, into a second chance... the meeting last night. There is an accompanying relief in it all, a certainty of Your presence, in that I am learning, or trying to, as I bumble along.   

A new view

Dec 3/11... journal entry

   Okay my coffee was hot 15 minutes ago when I first sat down lol... should have hid in my room longer this morning!
   I'm back... gotta love microwaves!

Jesus I love You. Thought I better put that out there right away. I love how every time I take a bit of time to myself... I am drawn very quickly to You instead. Our meetings in these last days have been staying with me ... calling me back. This is all the more sweeter in the fact that in the exact same situation before last lent I felt the extent of my selfishness and moaned over it yet couldn't break free at all. Therefore I know by experience that where I am today is due to Your mercy and presence in me. I revel in that... like the sip of a long awaited drink that not only exceeds your anticipation but awakens all your senses in delight.... and time slows down. 
So I will be walking into one of my most dreaded scenarios today ... shopping and spending money yikes. I dread it every time. So my Jesus please fill me ridiculously full and give me a way to engage and be very present for my kids and be able to creatively look at and handle all that comes my way.

You are so sweet.

I want one day to be able to express what has been waiting for so long to be unleashed within... big creativity. Abstract combined with objects in light.

   We are south of the river today and we are climbing. Up and up we go on earth padded heavily with moss, it is just a game trail we follow.  This place makes me feel alive. Trees and the woods in general are just so full of possibilities and emotion. Secrets and the rarely seen that even when glimpsed changes so easily in different lights. I walk drinking in all I can. 
   Eventually I see more light filtering in up ahead and know we are almost out of the heavy wood. It is almost a shock to the senses to have the landscape change so dramatically, so immediately. We are now at the bottom of a rock slide area that is filled with shale and in contrast massive boulders of rock that leave the imagination reeling on what sound they would have made coming down. We climb just as ways more and there is a ledge that invites us to stay and look. You sit first and immediately draw up Your knees and lean back against the cliff face behind us. You don't look at me and that makes me quickly want to settle to take in what You are seeing. As soon as I settle down crossing my legs in anticipation of being here a while I am caught by what meets my eyes. 
   We are just high enough to see a wild and panoramic view of where we have been the last few days. Hmmm.

a girl, a couch and painted light

    Journal entry of Dec 2 and it is banquet night. Pretty pleased all around I feel no striving just a desire to be about You tonight and be You, in love, to all I come to connect with. Holy God have Your hand upon it all, Holy Spirit breathe into us all...

   I was reading just now but I couldn't get yesterday's time in the wood out of my mind and I am drawn back to You. To see what and where we end up today. :) You are much more addicting (love that). So this lamp that keeps showing up is so intriguing. I love it in image and what it could be saying without words. Hmmm.

   Hey do we have or need to have anyone with us today? My lift my face to Yours lighting up with excitement. We are sitting on our couch and I hear some rocks rattling and look behind me to see someone coming along the river's edge towards us. I jump up thrilled and know that You are standing in anticipation too. With reserve, she continue towards us mostly looking at the ground. I cannot wait and as quietly as I can I move towards her. When I meet her I reach out my hands to her shoulders and wait for her to lift her eyes to mine and say Welcome with as much of my heart as I can. I put my arm in hers and we now walk towards You and I motion for her to join us. 
   She carefully doesn't make eye contact with You but I see all Your emotion written clearly on Your face and it just runs so very deep for her. We all sit quietly for a real long time ... listening to the water and all it's conversations. Everytime she adjusts on the couch I notice she gets a little closer to You and that makes me smile... I understand that all too well. Pretty soon You open Your arms to her inviting... she looks up into Your face finally and watches You for quite some time, I cannot begin to fathom all that rages within her. But You and Your love win out when I see that silent tear slide down her cheek and she moves not only to be in Your arms but climbs right onto Your lap resting her head just below Your chin on Your chest. You hold her firmly and I watch as she literally relaxes ... it's like all anxiety and fear, worry and self loathing are not only not needed here but are not allowed and it drains away as her. 
   I suppose that You will hold her for a long time as she finally rests so I move off the couch to allow You to snuggle with her better. I sit down on the ground right in front of the couch so my back is as close as possible to You both. As You whisper and rock Your sweet one I quietly pick up rock after rock and with only a touch I am able to paint them. Touching a splash of paint or covering it entirely ... with so many shades of yellow contrasted with the complimentary color of many blues cause shape and emotion to start forming around both of You and the couch. After much time I stand back to see the light of the lamp spilling onto the ground before it has even been turned on... cool. The last vestiges of light bounce of the paint giving it a life of it's own and I catch You looking at me with a twinkle in Your eye which I respond to with a huge smile knowing You feel how overwhelmed with love I am for You. I cover You both up with a blanket and pause to touch her on the shoulder to somehow give her my love too. I settle back down on the ground at the one end of the couch by the lamp. Knowing the light will turn on in only a matter of minutes as the day slips away once again.

Meeting Jesus in the wood with a lamp

...journal entry... Dec 1/11

   Hey Jesus it is me. What a day. The only words I have for it is this... I love You and even though each time I am hit with the immensity of how much I do... I wonder also if it isn't more and more each time? How can it not be?

  
                          Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus... Hmmm.

    We are along the edge of a deep and very old forest... How curious is it that we have been ending up farther from the city lately?  The river is close enough that I can hear it but I cannot see it. We must be near the edge of this wood because the light is still quite bright. I am standing upon the stump of an old, old tree that has been cut off about five feet above the ground. Wow, it is hard to collect my thoughts quick enough to write...

     At first You are below me on the ground watching me and laughing with me. I send up a big ol whoop and then as I start looking around I stretch my arms out wide and start singing again. Suddenly You are on a stump a ways away and have joined in with me but it is You singing melody this time and I get to sing harmony ... ahhh... so sweet. Needed that. I jump down and walk up to the stump closest to You... I climb up and sit on it continuing to join in with Your song. You sit down now too and we are close enough to almost touch. We sing to one another and I notice that a hush has descended around us. Which makes every note You sing even more true and sweet.

    I slide off the stump now and lie down on the mossy ground littered with leaves of many colors. Quietly, You join me. We look up at the stark shapes and outlines of the trees against the sky which is gradually changing color. As day goes down to night something emerges from deeper in the wood. It is a lamp giving off that warm, yellow light that is very recognizable. I roll over on my stomach resting my head on my hands and I look to see what effect the light has on everything around it. All of a sudden what would be a source of fear... an unknown or looming shape in the dark becomes interesting, warm... even safe. As with the light of a sunrise, this light too, transforms the ordinary into deep beauty. It calls and invites. Even though I am quite a distance away I see that the smallest piece of light has managed to just barely touch the lump of moss right at my fingertips. I touch it and pause. I look up into Your face which is lit ever so slightly from the light... You are just so there... how could we not see You? A soft smile lights up Your eyes and as You lean on one arm watching me. I am overwhelmed by Your gentleness and the purity of all You give.

A message along the river

journal entry... Nov. 29/11

   Jesus it has been a while since our last time together in word. Yet in living I have been very close to You of course out of deep need and dependence but it feels good to know You are there. Your evidences are sweet and encouraging. Abba Father I have to say You are so delightful how You showed up last time it still makes me smile. 

   Jesus I love feeling my new found confidence in You. You must be growing more faith in me to have this happen... it is really cool.  

   Want to go down to the river? We are on the south side of the river which is kinda curious for me. We walk along the stones on the river's edge and I love the sound and look of them, it is like the mountain rivers. It is a cool day, no sun is shining, and I cast my gaze around searching out comfort. HAHAHA... there is the couch we used to always meet on complete with blankets right there beside the river. I am still chuckling as we settle in... oh that is nice! On our left the river winds back and out of sight while on our right it is quite a ways down before the river bends.
   The stretch of water in front of us is so impressive. It quickly grabs our attention almost demanding us to take note of it's might and presence. The width is considerable here and although it doesn't seem very deep I know that further out it has cut away the earth on it's course and this is where it's might is the strongest.

We are bundled up in old quilts and I rest against Your side, Your arm around me. 
How are You Jesus? 
I ask aloud, as if it is necessary. With the arm that is around me You reach and hold my hand and start idly playing with it.
It is good to be loved.  
I hum my response. 
Love in action takes so many forms and every time it's power is felt or released it's like the sigh of completion. Loving with our love is right, intended like a puzzle piece fitting just right and it is just so devoid of any selfishness that it cannot be anything else but what it is, true love given in the freedom of my Spirit.
I like You. 
Lol... I like You too. 

   I push off the blankets with a big grin and hold out my hand to You. We start working together along the shore in the delight of creativity. Like anyone immersed in a project time holds no meaning and excitement builds as by trial and error we decide how to build our message. Often our work is punctuated by laughter and the low hum of conversation. We comb the river's edges for just the right rocks and cast offs. Pretty soon it starts to emerge which only fans the flame. Pretty soon we've rolled up our pants to wade into the water to 'get that rock'... and being in shirtsleeves is nothing. One time while You bend over to lift that rock I come and bump You, interrupting You to give You my heart in the grin on my face. I wrap my arms around You tightly and then just as quickly we get back to our work. A little more laughter is heard now. At one point You come and sweep me up in Your arms and show me what You are seeing. More delight and laughter. 
   I suppose most of the day is gone now but what a day... Somehow in the color of rock and wood the stark message stands out boldly against the common gray and blue river rocks. It reads Come and KNOW Me... a radiating sun comes out behind the word 'Come' and waves and ripples of water run out of the 'KNOW ME'... Our couch is now just close enough to the artful words that it obviously is apart of it. As night descends so quickly here we are all too soon covered in the dim of twilight and then night ... except ... to the right and just behind the couch shines a warm yellow light that bathes the scene in welcome tones. Huh a floor lamp in the middle of the mountains... love it. It is just perfect Jesus! We laugh again and settle in to listen to the music of the water and rocks.

Taking time to love You

Nov. 16/11, third journal entry of the day....

    To my Jesus... I am here tonight to just be with You... to love You. I am sorry for not loving You well... but as we sit here I know You know my heart. 

   Jesus may I take You on a walk? You raise Your hand and I gently take hold pulling You forward with me. Our path is dirt but wide enough for both of us .... just. The trees almost sing in the presence of You...They line the path on both sides but allow us to see in amongst them as dappled light hits the ground giving light to the most serene of settings that almost requires a Holy hush to enter it. The setting sun also catches their leaves making them sparkle with drops of rain still hanging on. The scent of the earth and every green and growing thing, the newness of life literally cover us in the perfume of the late afternoon shower that has just passed by.
   I glance often at You, really... just in awe of being in Your presence, Your love that I can not possibly drink deep enough of. Your smile lights up as Your other hand reaches over to touch my face ever so briefly. The damp earth clings to our feet but we can still feel the heat that had soaked all afternoon into it ... it feels so good. We both take a moment to breathe deeply and then we start to laugh and I jump on Your back for a piggyback ride... just for a while. As You walk so easily down the path and down the slight hill I whisper in Your ear just how much You mean to me... how You fill me with such a deep delight that wells up and is uncontainable. I rest my head down on Your shoulder and close my eyes. You are Good. I give You my heart, my soul, my mind, my strength.
   As we come into a clearing at the bottom of the hill I slide off Your back, grab Your hand and walk into the center of this opening. We slowly turn around taking in all we can .... there is no mystery here like on the path ... this is clear revelation... as pure as the light that washes over it. We move over to the rocks, no the boulders that are here and climb up. Settling in we are high enough to not touch the ground but not so high that we don't feel connected to all that surrounds us. I turn to You and start to sing. Not a melody I have practiced but one my soul knows intimately. Beyond my ability I sing and I sing it all out for You. I watch as at times You close Your eyes and at other times throw Your head back and laugh in delight and in receiving... I hear You hum the low notes and then a harmony that almost breaks my heart in beauty and I believe even creation responds to Your voice... colors more sharp, a tremble in the leaves, the slightest of turning to You... I now start to laugh and I cannot contain it even a bit. And then we are dancing ... around and around. So smooth, so perfectly. At times ever so close and then twirling and spinning. Freedom. Love. Freedom. Love. They intertwine like ribbons of complimentary colors... dancing on the wind like Your Holy, Holy, Holy Spirit. I realize we have stopped moving mid circle and are looking up transfixed... but it is at what cannot be seen by the eye... and yet we watch. Like time lapsed photography spilling out more beauty than can possibly be caught... color, movement, change... so much perfect beauty is being revealed that it starts to spill over... drops of color start to fall here and there... on my arm, my cheek. The rocks catch and try to hold it but it starts to slide down; even in a tangible form it cannot be held still. It flows... it reaches. Our eyes meet now and we finally are able to move. My hands are still in Yours but You now move me into Your arms like a protective embrace.
Hello Father.
In the deep low rumble the warm sound of Your voice comes...  Ahhh... my child... Little One.  
Had fun with You today Father... You made me brave... like You. 
You liked that.
I hear the smile in Your voice and lean my head back to look up into Your face. 
Yes I did. I adore You You know...
Yes I do
...and then You place Your hand on my head pulling me back in to Your chest. 
I will follow You anywhere. 
I sigh with the deepest of contentment.

the board of arrivals and departures

journal entry... Nov. 16/11

    Life continues to spin no matter how hard I hold on. With a grip that makes the color drip out between my fingers. There is always more... the board of arrivals and departures continuing to click furiously as it morphs into another time and destination. Thank goodness the change is noisy at times seeming as the only proof of it's existence. I turn from the towering board without anxiousness, I focus upon hanging on to His hand. As the color leaches away from the candy coated facade of the temporary the pure hot white light of reality radiates heat throughout my body leaving a sweet contentment and peace of communion.

surrender... the bottles are gone

Dearest Reader... I, finally, return with part two and the significance of throwing the glass bottles off the cliff. 

                                    Journal entry... November 7/11

   Jesus I love You with all I am. I can never comprehend the depth to which Your passion goes for me but I hunger for it as deeply as I can. I suppose as my love for You grows so does it... help me love You perfectly... by complete surrender to You alone. ahhh.

   I want to learn how to surrender Jesus, moment by moment.  I want to, without question, surrender to You; I want it to be like breathing. If I can learn to be so given over to You and Your will there is no greater security than that. No pain or reward will ever compare to being in Your presence.

   We stand before the edge of the cliff. At our feet are the remains of the bottles not yet broken or thrown away. I look at them as if they are nothing and reach down to grab as many of them as I can... I hurl them with all my strength.  Without waiting to hear the smashing, I reach down again ... and again... in my haste I break some with my feet and kick some over the edge too. I don't even want to see the colored glass littered on the rocks.
   When they are all gone I turn to You and run into Your waiting arms.  Unable to catch or hang onto a thought as I cling onto You... I even have a hard time breathing cause I don't want to ever go back to what those bottles represent. Yet I cannot string together two words or know how to feel except that ... I am Yours. I keep my face buried into Your chest and I feel Your arms tighten around me and then... we are no longer on the ground. We fly out over the valley, the river and beyond. What I sense as we move now is temperature... at times the light we travel through is so warm it feels like a blanket and then in rays of light there is scent... a heavenly scent that I breathe in. It's like it speaks to my soul and I respond... breathing as deep as I can.  I in turn sing aloud my joy unspeakable... It's hard to be aware of so very much all at once but I hear Your voice too and it joins mine in a deep harmony that sends shivers of awe throughout me. When I am finally able to pull back enough to see Your face I see the same tears running down Your face as mine... a 'finally' kind of release. Tears that at the same time seem to 'let go of' and 'promise'. I put my head back down by Your neck and Your hand comes up and holds my head to You. When I close my eyes I still see the flickering light, feel the comfort of the warm air and breathe deep the air that swirls around us. 
 

"... Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. 

For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ and become one with Him....."

Phillipians 3:8,9

Throwing glass bottles off the cliff part one

Dearest Reader... I had passed over this journal unsure of wanting to post it but 5 months later the images of  my self bottled up in order to hang onto and protect it came up again. So I thought perhaps I give the whole picture and significance of  what throwing bottles off the cliff meant. Here is part one. 

 ...journal entry... June 16/11

It's nice to be free. To not feel the pull of reorganizing a day to suit it's call. The rain is falling heavy on the roof and the sound of it hitting the vent is such a familiar sound now... it's my for sure it's raining sound. Even in the light rain I will hear that higher pitched sound echo down the pipe. Interesting is, that this summer is a whole new season  and not one to be compared with the last. I suppose we have a tendency to compare the seasons in our lives with the present ... we are so often comparing and judging it seems. But even in this exercise I can see our error... just how well are we remembering the seasons past? Do we recall days of monotony or regret? Days of selfish absorption? Do we recall even our pain with clarity? I hold onto highlights in my life good and bad but so much is gone... only recalled by a trigger. So I will live in the here and now and I will try to do it the best I can.... on purpose. Jesus I love You so much, if I dwell on it my chest aches with it. I know now this in itself is a blessing upon blessings. I love to feel, really love it... so thank You for letting that be alive.

I think we are still on the edge of that valley.
  We get up and walk along the edge until we come to a rocky outcropping. For whatever reason the rocks have taken over and what vegetation hangs on, does so, only in tufts here and there. It's a warm sandstone kind of color here.  I recognize what is at our feet. It's rows of colored glass. Bottles of all shapes and sizes. Right out of my poem yesterday...

"and with hushed reverence we line shelf after shelf
with colored glass bottles full of words, hopes and dreams...
strangely even here we hide some behind others. Held prisoner by fear we refuse to even see...
for what if they are doomed, not rooted in Truth...
what if they crumble when touched ...
can we bear what we'll face if we've misunderstood, if all that we're left with is dust?"
   Wow, so here we are with it all at our feet. I pick up the first bottle it's a dark murky brown tall and thin yet I see in the shape of the glass how thick it's walls are. I look at You and a thought comes to me... what if some of them don't break? Never thought of that yesterday. So I draw my arm back and hurl the bottle as far as I possibly can... I watch and wait holding my breath straining to not miss a sound. Huh, nothing. I reach down and grab a pretty blue one and hand it to You while I reach for another; the green one. I start laughing in the release of this and this time when we fire the bottles out and over the drop we watch them fall and catch upon huge boulder. The glass doesn't just break, it shatters... sending out it shards of color far and wide. That sound was very satisfying... So I have a crazy amount of thoughts running through my head. I can't seem to shake that first one... what if they don't break? I didn't even hear or see what happened to that first one. And what is released when they break? If they don't break will we find them later on? Or is someone else going to? I know my thoughts run amuck.  
  
... later...
Before I go back out to work I wanna huck some more I look at You with a huge grin and grab two more. I hand You the one that is really big with a handle on the side ... mine is another darker green one we lean back and throw... somehow Your throw has it sailing end over end through the air and our bottles actually collide in the air. The sound of the hit and the shower of glass is brilliant! 

... much later....
I am back again and this time we sit down. The pretty purple bottle catches my eye so I grab it and another one close to the same size for You. I don't want to throw it this time I just want to let it go. I extend my arm and release it. The drop to the rocky slope is actually a good distance and as soon as that glass touches it ... it ceases to exist. I cannot see it's color or any recognizable pieces. It's Your turn now, You hold out the bottle and simply let go. Miraculously though when it meets with the rock it resonates out a remarkably loud sound but only bounces then slides out of sight. My eyes are wide and mouth hanging open as I turn to look at You. When our eyes meet it quickly dissolves into amazed laughter. Huh. It's got me thinking about my poem again ... the first part was this...

"It's hard to say the words that are whispered
deep in the depths of your heart
For the words that are spoken seem dangerous somehow
taking on a  life and form of their own
And what if they shatter when they fall to the ground
because they weren't what we thought them to be?
So in fear, one by one we bottle them up
placing them just out of reach."