April 12/11
Day 35 of lent part two
I don't know Jesus ... as I was driving home and thinking through what I have been reading and hearing from others, I saw something else. I saw something new in me. A work of Yours and it was done through learning and circumstance (and without question Your presence) taking me around a corner of change. One of desiring Your will over mine, a hunger for Holiness over self and comfort. I don't think it was completely not there before but now it is defined enough that it changed my response within a low empty time. Or perhaps it helped me even have a response in that circumstance.
How was Your day Jesus?
As I sit down at the table I push a milkshake in a tall glass towards You. We sit quietly sipping our drinks looking over them at one another... lost in the moment. You pause and push Your glass a little to the side. Your eyes hold mine as You speak. I am really glad you are here. I cannot smile big enough and my heart feels near to bursting with my love for You... the laughter we share is soft and warm.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
April 12/11
Day 35 of lent
Hey Jesus I didn't have time to write this morning but now I cannot do anything else but write. Had a great day really but had some stuff to chew on from the chapter in proverbs and ecclesiastics and then the show tonight capped off the huh kind of mood that always leaves me needing You. You know, I don't think I am scared of looking at my own loneliness or emptiness for I know that without You and a complete need of You, that it is all there really is, despite efforts to cover that up. And all sorts of garbage starts showing up out of that kind of existence.
But right now I also know that my mind is having a hard time putting thoughts together in the reality of the existence of a loss so deep it shatters one's world. And that always becomes me needing to spend time with You.
If we were to meet... where would we be?
I don't see anything Jesus. It strikes me that the safest place to be would be sinking down and down into the depths of an endless ocean. My hearing would immediately be affected. I would hear my own heart beat with a surreal volume only comparable to the sound of water rushing and bubbling around me as I sank. I think, at first, I would look around but as the light started to fade with the surface I would close my eyes with a finality.
I suppose you might want to know what kind of finality, Reader, not one of lost hope or purpose. Not of a loss of desire for life but perhaps a death to life lived my way . I believe I need to really be completely Jesus'. I think in the face of really losing all that meant something to me in this world I would be left with deepest truth... life isn't about me it's about You Father, it's about You Jesus and Your sweet Holy Spirit.
Therefore to die to everything but You makes sense, everything is so temporary and is meant to be. Jesus You were here what 33 years? I've already passed that mark and see that I've had so much time to try to grasp and learn how to really live and in most ways I am just starting to see much less applying it, living it. You spent those 33 years with such purpose because of how You lived. What You accomplished in 3 years of ministry leaves me wordless and yet You call us to live like You did. Jesus, I cannot even comprehend that this is possible but I want to. I want to live exactly like You did. What about the death at the end? You know, if called to it, it would be done. But I think one of the biggest struggles right now, is dying now... to self. Do You mean for us to actually get that here though? Or is the struggle to be Holy, to be like You the goal and what sheds light on everyone around us? Is it our lives lived broken and alive only in Your power and grace that truly glorifies You? Our very lives a witness and testimony, a light pointing to You alone. And here is again where this curious balance exists... this life is so not about us and yet each of us is so passionately loved and held by You. A phrase You spoke to me a while ago just popped into my mind... so stop being about myself and let You be about me. This way Your purpose and intent is accomplished while we are completely filled by Your love and presence.
As I sink lower and lower I can tell even behind my closed eyelids that it grows ever darker. I am not panicked but I wonder at myself. I am too far down to even think of struggling for what lies above. And my heart and soul answer with confirmation by sitting at peace, patiently waiting.
Day 35 of lent
Hey Jesus I didn't have time to write this morning but now I cannot do anything else but write. Had a great day really but had some stuff to chew on from the chapter in proverbs and ecclesiastics and then the show tonight capped off the huh kind of mood that always leaves me needing You. You know, I don't think I am scared of looking at my own loneliness or emptiness for I know that without You and a complete need of You, that it is all there really is, despite efforts to cover that up. And all sorts of garbage starts showing up out of that kind of existence.
But right now I also know that my mind is having a hard time putting thoughts together in the reality of the existence of a loss so deep it shatters one's world. And that always becomes me needing to spend time with You.
If we were to meet... where would we be?
I don't see anything Jesus. It strikes me that the safest place to be would be sinking down and down into the depths of an endless ocean. My hearing would immediately be affected. I would hear my own heart beat with a surreal volume only comparable to the sound of water rushing and bubbling around me as I sank. I think, at first, I would look around but as the light started to fade with the surface I would close my eyes with a finality.
I suppose you might want to know what kind of finality, Reader, not one of lost hope or purpose. Not of a loss of desire for life but perhaps a death to life lived my way . I believe I need to really be completely Jesus'. I think in the face of really losing all that meant something to me in this world I would be left with deepest truth... life isn't about me it's about You Father, it's about You Jesus and Your sweet Holy Spirit.
Therefore to die to everything but You makes sense, everything is so temporary and is meant to be. Jesus You were here what 33 years? I've already passed that mark and see that I've had so much time to try to grasp and learn how to really live and in most ways I am just starting to see much less applying it, living it. You spent those 33 years with such purpose because of how You lived. What You accomplished in 3 years of ministry leaves me wordless and yet You call us to live like You did. Jesus, I cannot even comprehend that this is possible but I want to. I want to live exactly like You did. What about the death at the end? You know, if called to it, it would be done. But I think one of the biggest struggles right now, is dying now... to self. Do You mean for us to actually get that here though? Or is the struggle to be Holy, to be like You the goal and what sheds light on everyone around us? Is it our lives lived broken and alive only in Your power and grace that truly glorifies You? Our very lives a witness and testimony, a light pointing to You alone. And here is again where this curious balance exists... this life is so not about us and yet each of us is so passionately loved and held by You. A phrase You spoke to me a while ago just popped into my mind... so stop being about myself and let You be about me. This way Your purpose and intent is accomplished while we are completely filled by Your love and presence.
As I sink lower and lower I can tell even behind my closed eyelids that it grows ever darker. I am not panicked but I wonder at myself. I am too far down to even think of struggling for what lies above. And my heart and soul answer with confirmation by sitting at peace, patiently waiting.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
April 11/11
Day 34 of lent
Morning Jesus... I am a little tentative this morning, wondering how I would feel (a bit afraid of not feeling) but I think in my anxiousness to talk with You I have no founding reasons for fear. Interestingly I had no draw to make a hot drink either. But my drive to get some chores crammed in before taking time to sit down remains. So I had another interesting moment last night where I would feel jealousy I didn't really feel it inside but my actions looked like I did. Not sure what that was about except that when faced with my craver (self) wanting to be special and recognized and knowing when those situations are happening You have a greater power. I felt it but didn't completely give myself over to You. I want to do that now that I've put this down in coherent thought. I really have no need for striving and jealousy, my desire to exist in Your freedom excludes that. Do I really want to be like another? Do I really need someones approval? Do I require something to give myself away? A resounding no... all those are dark places and if I choose to live in Your light so many things don't matter nor require a response or action. My life would (as close as I can wrap my mind around it) become wildly focused while at the same time free from the need for me to control by schedule, self abasement, planning what I think is best or manipulation. I would in essence become like the description of the Holy Spirit as the wind moving first here then there all the while with strong purpose and focus.
To become like You is so much more appealing than the illusionary and exhausting roads of control and security (our aggression and defensiveness).
All of a sudden I am physically weary. No kidding. I sit and type with my eyes closed thinking some warm blankets would be so delightful right now.
...(2 hours later) I am still tired but I will act out what I felt I should do in my non-feeling state. Also a line from Jason Upton rings in my head (perhaps from the Message)... God calls us to ... a long obedience in the same direction. He (God) doesn't want us to burn bright but burn out... He wants us for the long haul, for our lifetime. And this includes existing and still striving for Holiness in those dark and low times, essentially pressing through it (and for myself continually asking for perspective from You in it ) despite my disorientating feeling amid this time without all I am used to aka... feeling. It is not unlike my experience of learning how to run uphill. But learning this kind of discipline is not just for the low times or unfamiliar times... it also needs to be applied to the times we recognize and quite frankly desire because of it's familiarity. For when I am comfortable (what I would say now as living in an abundance of Your obvious and merciful grace) I can make just as many wrong decisions moment to moment but don't 'see' them as clearly because I am still experiencing You in many ways. Therefore I see now that this discipline this long obedience in the same direction is as crucial now as then. For this reason I am leaving my computer and carrying on despite my weariness as a representation of what I want to learn to do spiritually.
You make me smile Jesus.
Day 34 of lent
Morning Jesus... I am a little tentative this morning, wondering how I would feel (a bit afraid of not feeling) but I think in my anxiousness to talk with You I have no founding reasons for fear. Interestingly I had no draw to make a hot drink either. But my drive to get some chores crammed in before taking time to sit down remains. So I had another interesting moment last night where I would feel jealousy I didn't really feel it inside but my actions looked like I did. Not sure what that was about except that when faced with my craver (self) wanting to be special and recognized and knowing when those situations are happening You have a greater power. I felt it but didn't completely give myself over to You. I want to do that now that I've put this down in coherent thought. I really have no need for striving and jealousy, my desire to exist in Your freedom excludes that. Do I really want to be like another? Do I really need someones approval? Do I require something to give myself away? A resounding no... all those are dark places and if I choose to live in Your light so many things don't matter nor require a response or action. My life would (as close as I can wrap my mind around it) become wildly focused while at the same time free from the need for me to control by schedule, self abasement, planning what I think is best or manipulation. I would in essence become like the description of the Holy Spirit as the wind moving first here then there all the while with strong purpose and focus.
To become like You is so much more appealing than the illusionary and exhausting roads of control and security (our aggression and defensiveness).
All of a sudden I am physically weary. No kidding. I sit and type with my eyes closed thinking some warm blankets would be so delightful right now.
...(2 hours later) I am still tired but I will act out what I felt I should do in my non-feeling state. Also a line from Jason Upton rings in my head (perhaps from the Message)... God calls us to ... a long obedience in the same direction. He (God) doesn't want us to burn bright but burn out... He wants us for the long haul, for our lifetime. And this includes existing and still striving for Holiness in those dark and low times, essentially pressing through it (and for myself continually asking for perspective from You in it ) despite my disorientating feeling amid this time without all I am used to aka... feeling. It is not unlike my experience of learning how to run uphill. But learning this kind of discipline is not just for the low times or unfamiliar times... it also needs to be applied to the times we recognize and quite frankly desire because of it's familiarity. For when I am comfortable (what I would say now as living in an abundance of Your obvious and merciful grace) I can make just as many wrong decisions moment to moment but don't 'see' them as clearly because I am still experiencing You in many ways. Therefore I see now that this discipline this long obedience in the same direction is as crucial now as then. For this reason I am leaving my computer and carrying on despite my weariness as a representation of what I want to learn to do spiritually.
You make me smile Jesus.
April 10/11
Day 33 of lent
I haven't felt this alive for a few weeks now. Wow I recognize it and it thrills me down deep!
At the same time that I was being surrendered to where I was, settling inside that I would go through it looking for You in it and letting You make the most of it... is exactly when You let me feel. Which makes the timing of this exactly You! lol. It's nice to feel what I know. It was very disorientating to not have that connection. And yet. I learned that You take care of me. So in that respect even though I didn't feel You near (like I am used to) I knew You were regardless. It scared me to realize how strong our flesh can be. This time of lent has helped me see this experiencially and take into serious consideration the weight of this reality. My dependence upon You is so complete and necessary... thank You for Your mercy once again and I mean that with more depth than even a few weeks ago.
Day 33 of lent
I haven't felt this alive for a few weeks now. Wow I recognize it and it thrills me down deep!
At the same time that I was being surrendered to where I was, settling inside that I would go through it looking for You in it and letting You make the most of it... is exactly when You let me feel. Which makes the timing of this exactly You! lol. It's nice to feel what I know. It was very disorientating to not have that connection. And yet. I learned that You take care of me. So in that respect even though I didn't feel You near (like I am used to) I knew You were regardless. It scared me to realize how strong our flesh can be. This time of lent has helped me see this experiencially and take into serious consideration the weight of this reality. My dependence upon You is so complete and necessary... thank You for Your mercy once again and I mean that with more depth than even a few weeks ago.
April 4/11
Day 27 of lent
Morning Jesus, somehow it just feels like a brand new day! or season? or outlook! Enough of the winter season is succumbing to the touch of spring .... How are You today Jesus? Help me to spend all day with You. Love You.
The day has become a familiar gray. The reclusive shroud put around one's shoulders when time slows down till you can hear it. I want to live purposefully today despite surroundings and what is going on within. After a month of wrestling with and looking at the struggle of flesh and Spirit ... I tire of self (again). There is no one around me that doesn't know intimately the reality of this war and so I want to renew my vision of just being Yours. Choosing You moment to moment and asking You to enable me to choose Holiness over comfort and security. To explore what freedom in You is ... by experience.
Just was thinking that while I can choose my steps (to a degree) it is another thing altogether when apart of a body (church body). I cannot explain or talk anyone into my experience yet I know there are things I want them to know and accept and live but I suppose freedom in You touches here too... I'll have to let You do the talking. I will live and share when prompted but I will not hold the expectation on them to see, understand, or accept (or even hear) that way disappointment and striving will not be necessary. huh. That sounds right.
Day 27 of lent
Morning Jesus, somehow it just feels like a brand new day! or season? or outlook! Enough of the winter season is succumbing to the touch of spring .... How are You today Jesus? Help me to spend all day with You. Love You.
The day has become a familiar gray. The reclusive shroud put around one's shoulders when time slows down till you can hear it. I want to live purposefully today despite surroundings and what is going on within. After a month of wrestling with and looking at the struggle of flesh and Spirit ... I tire of self (again). There is no one around me that doesn't know intimately the reality of this war and so I want to renew my vision of just being Yours. Choosing You moment to moment and asking You to enable me to choose Holiness over comfort and security. To explore what freedom in You is ... by experience.
Just was thinking that while I can choose my steps (to a degree) it is another thing altogether when apart of a body (church body). I cannot explain or talk anyone into my experience yet I know there are things I want them to know and accept and live but I suppose freedom in You touches here too... I'll have to let You do the talking. I will live and share when prompted but I will not hold the expectation on them to see, understand, or accept (or even hear) that way disappointment and striving will not be necessary. huh. That sounds right.
March 29/11
Day 21 of lent
Morning Jesus. So coming off the thoughts of Sunday and catching once again in however small it's increment that this life is not about me at all... the Scripture I read seems a little more potent. You had such a focus even though You held the power and authority of judging in Your hand ... Your came to save. But even in this You were completely about Your Father and only spoke what He told You to say ... doing only as He asked of You. It says You shared all our human ness in Hebrews so You know this dying. You had to die to self... daily and then completely.
So what of me?
I know I am not what this life is about it is You... it is the You in me.
Day 21 of lent
Morning Jesus. So coming off the thoughts of Sunday and catching once again in however small it's increment that this life is not about me at all... the Scripture I read seems a little more potent. You had such a focus even though You held the power and authority of judging in Your hand ... Your came to save. But even in this You were completely about Your Father and only spoke what He told You to say ... doing only as He asked of You. It says You shared all our human ness in Hebrews so You know this dying. You had to die to self... daily and then completely.
So what of me?
I know I am not what this life is about it is You... it is the You in me.
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