So dear Reader... after that last post it lead me to remember a couple of times that Jesus asked me to LOOK AT HIM. One of the most significant times was in September 08... this is how it went.

Dear Jesus I have been through so much emotion in the last couple of days. I feel at this moment...good.. not completely settled because not all is dealt with but I feel strong in You. I know that it is only You that can make me feel this way, You alone. I have seen in me how I react, that this is beyond me. There is something about taking a life look at things. The movie today helped me do that. Hmmm. That was an act of You too wasn't it... I wasn't going to go to that movie was I. It is the hard look at good and bad that gives me pause that I so appreciate and that being good and standing for what is good is really really hard. That it hurts and is in dark times for seasons but it tests what is... what it is that you are about... what you believe in, and just how much you are willing to fight for it. And in the case of living and loving You... it is about how surrendered we can actually be to You. I am reminded of a song by Sara Groves, I think, that is singing about if You want me to walk that road of pain, of lonliness , of whatever dark think I will walk it for You... I want to be that person. Jesus I have messed up in life granted but You redeemed my life and created a new person in me. Yes, I will continue to deal with fall out and consequences of continued failure but I am Yours. I am forgiven. I am not enslaved to anyone but You. I am Yours. I am Yours. I am free. I am free. I will continue to seek You, I pray that Your Spirit will rest on me and my life more and more that I will be able, or better put, enabled to seek You more , hunger for You more... hear and see You more. I want to leave myself so far behind that I don't need to remember all the unnecessary stuff anymore because it just distracts from all the increaible things You are desiring to do on this earth before You come to claim it back. Even though the story in that movie was just that, I see parallels that encourage me and I want to thank You for speaking to me through a movie again. I so enjoy that. It seems to me a beautiful thing that You will work through this world to get Your messages across to Your people over and over again. How come You don't get tired of calling to us?
You know how you have those moments where you get it? You connect with Me and there is such a bliss, an indescribable joyous peace yet overflowing delight that you can feel physically? That is why I continue to call. You get such a little taste of what it means to be in Me... but when I experience with you those times when you get that taste and revelation and fall deeply in love with Me... that is why I call. When I get to hold you in your pain and lonliness and you see Me. That is why I call. When in the midst of turmoil and confusion you have a time of absolute worhsip of Me and you sing those words with all that you are to Me... that is why I call. When you hear me and understand my revelation... when you see and meet Me... when you cry out desparately for change and forgiveness and the ability to be abandoned to Me... when you catch that glimpse of the depth of my love for you and you are reduced to tears of awe and love and soul sorrow for anthing between us... that is why I call.
If we met right now where would we be? We would be where there is mostly darkness and we would be facing east looking at a light that was so warm and filled with soul stirring hope.
I am beside you Tam. I am holding you and there is no condemnation. There is beauty and love, I look down into Your eyes and hold Your face and I tell You... You are mine and I love you. That's all I want Jesus, to be Yours forever. To be loved by You, to love You. Why are we in the darkness? Beause you need to look at Me ... at Me alone. Am I going to need that alot in the near future? Yes. Am I able? Only in Me. Will I do it? Only in Me and My grace... throw yourself into my Word... hear it, really hear it. Discuss it with others passionately, own it , share it, live it, challenge it, in living it test it, I dare you too! You are my child. Do I only want you to have bits and pieces inbetween pain and suffering and faltering steps? No! Hear ME NOW! I AM! I AM and you are MINE! Hear Me! Know Me! Step out girl... what do you have to lose? What comfort does this world afford you? To keep in the safety of those that know you... all you'll gain is a few good feelings and memories between the torture of worrying what they think and what they are saying ... you will feel betrayal and confusion , you will be consumed more and more with doing what makes them happy and guess what? They don't know what that is. Strange eh? They first are attracted to be with you because of Me. But when you lose that hold and focus on Me what are they left with? Not with what they want. Or what first drew them in. Be strong in Me, be strong in Me ... LET ME BE STRONG IN YOU! Hold onto Me with all that you are and spend every day listening and responding to ME... and let Me take you where I want to. Life can be so much more! I am so beyond what you can know now. Take everyone around you with you! I know you like to share with the safe ones that will take time to hear and have responded positively and with understanding... but why not do more? Why do you think you have years of you writing to me? I am stronger in you than you realize tonight and right now in your life. It's time to be brave and to step back further and further as I fill you with ME. Tam you are hearing me right now and you are responding to Me.. remember this and remember to keep on... you hunger for change and growth and depth I am willing to give it ... you feel it in your chest don't you? You feel it in Your heart... I am real remember that. I can do ANYTHING! Remember that.
We are facing the light again but it is changing colors. As we watch I see a depth in the blues and whites as stark and beautiful as anything I could ever imagine. I love contrast because You are so much more than all we try to grasp of who You are and in all that ... You stand out beautiful and awesome. There is now deep but brilliant reds bursting on and into the deep midnight blues with edges of white rolling waves of sky and cloud. And now a blinding yellow white comes up and You artfully play the edges of blue with gold... You are standing behind me and holding me and I will never feel safer than this... besides being in Your actual arms that hopefully I will never ever have to leave. Jesus when I finally meet You could You hold me for eternity? Selfish huh? No. That's not selfish I've waited for years and years and beyond time to do just that... soon... don't worry... soon. Whew.