prayers for Rachael ~ 3

    Jesus should we go and spend some time with Rachael this morning? Okay. 
   The hallway isn't dark this morning it is very, very white. Rachael comes peeking out of her doorway and as she comes laughing towards You she is in color ... she leaves a trail of color where she has walked. She comes running into Your arms and laughs... You hold her so tight. What can I do Jesus? Is there anything? Write down what You see. You start running, gaining much speed and there at the end of the hallway is a great window. You and Rachael burst through the window and fly into the air... without shock or injury You take Rachel on a beautiful ride. You take her where she has not  yet been. You delight her with fragrant gardens and cool moist leaves. You delight her with the spray of a waterfall and You cuddle her as You take her through the clouds of rest and the gentle swaying of being rocked on the currents of air.  She sleeps in Your arms, so content that You are there. When she awakes she is so delighted to see Your face. You walk with her on Your shoulders and she laughs and points and talks to You as plainly as a adult... she speaks with her heart.  
    Is there anywhere else You will take her? It's weird almost like having a dream but I'm wide awake... I know where You are with her right now at the bus stop in Red Deer by the Safeway and Dairy Queen... may I ask why? The eve of a journey? Would You like to take her to the research station in Lacombe?  To fly through the trees that are so huge and beautiful. The scent of fall and smell of change hanging thick in the air creating excitement in anticipation.  Maybe she would like to have some huge old trees in her room to remind her of Your strength and steadfastness, that You are watching over her always. Jesus I would love her to have this. With a weeping willow in one corner that she can hear rustling when she needs distraction from pain or fear. Jesus let it sway and sing to her of Your presence and delight her further, that she will even be able to smell the earth and leaves like after a fresh rain and see the sun is reflecting off the wet leaves.
   May I pray with You ? She is cuddled in her blankets and our hands are on her little body as we let our souls cry out in love for this soul.  May Your power and love be felt.  Oh Father do such a mighty work in her, she is so Yours and she needs You in unexplainable ways now... May glory for Your Holy Name come out of Your love for her. Amen. Thank You for the trees. We walk out together quietly and contentedly. I love You. 

2008   

Love that shifts one's very soul

Journal entry... Aug 29/12 12:49 pm

(Dear Reader, Pardon my exuberance this entry could not wait for chronological order nor a another day)

My dearest Jesus, I realized something just now.

   When I experience even a slight widening in my concept or realization of love ... my heart near breaks with it as I realize it is becoming more complete. In the wake of this I want with all my soul to give it back to You.
   To love You in even a incrementally deeper way results in two things.  One, it thrills me and moves me foundationally, something so deep that my soul changes in a some way... and You are the One I long to offer it back to. For I know without doubt where love originates from. Second my heart breaks which also adds to that shifting of my inner soul. I am so sorry, in light of the revelation, that I had not yet loved You fully... and beneath it I know also that there is no end to my learning... and this in itself breaks my heart... for in the same way I learn that the depths of Your love and what You have done for me within that love has been there and for years I have lived in the face of it without acknowledgment and that kills me. Your love is so complete. Mine so far from it. I am so sorry.

   But right now let me offer myself anew. Let me sit down beside You... longing to take Your hand in the fire of a deeper love and with the cool wash of a deeper humbleness. I bow my head. I cannot hold in my tears as You, in response, get off the bench and kneel before me (!) You take both of my hands in Yours and Your eyes meet mine. And although You are slightly blurry behind my tears I cannot help but laugh in the rapture of the moment and fling my arms around Your neck. I hear Your responding laugh but then we both fall silent. And You stand, still holding me fast. This is a Holy moment. Although my mind starts to reel with the how and why of Your love and who am I... I silence it. This time is beyond that, it is simply and yet most profoundly a time of love, celebrated in the giving and receiving of it. Of it being existent.

You are love.

You are my love.

Holy, Holy, Holy.

 

prayers for Rachael ~ 2

  
   So Jesus I haven't talked with You again about Rachael. What should I say, what should I be doing?

    Should we storm the hospital hallway and room and protect all inside with the fight of faith?  Shields up and may the sword of truth be heard ringing throughout this place! We are not alone there are others fighting with us... we cover the room, all the corners, we circle the bed, facing out...
 
... we look at each other and feel for all those that have wept and prayed and cried out and felt lost surrounding Rachael. Let our fight give some clarity to the hearts surrounding this girl. Let the cloud of attack and fear and doubt be gone for right now. Gone enough that You are going to heard as You go around this room and speak and touch each person here. Very personally, very privately ... You take some by the shoulders and whisper into their ear... You take others by the hand as they sit and look into their eyes and speak ... others You come behind and wrap Your arms around them and hold them with such strength and tenderness and You hum and whisper and love them. Then You touch Rachael and she jumps up to sit cross legged on the bed and laugh with You. You play a clapping game and You both laugh and are delighted to be in each other's presence. Each event leaves us changed. Today will not be forgotten because You change us just by allowing us to be in Your presence. I love You Jesus. I love You.

2007

   

prayers for Rachael ~ 1

December 2007

  Jesus I watched You go into Rachael's room last night, as I prayed.  I watched You lie in bed with her and hold her. I know she recognized You because she just would, she is Your child. I pray that Your presence there healed her liver and spleen and I believe that You will restore her brain activity.  I believe she will laugh because You cause her to laugh. I believe she will smile because of the work of Your Holy Spirit. I believe she will cause others, not only me, to believe in You deeper.
  In Your Name I pray this Jesus, Your powerful and loving Name. Tam.

Let's go back to the beginning

May 22/12

My head hurts really bad today but it is raining. 

I love You, Jesus. I am pretty unable to plan and think things through right now with this headache but if there is anything at all You want to say to me I am here and I am listening. I have come to see that discipline is a very necessary thing no matter where I am at. Jesus I see that it really is just another way of loving You. (lol wow that last sentence took about 8 min to write down and you would not believe the series of thoughts that just went through my head only to return to my first one lol) It is not in the reward of knowing much that comes from it but it is in the ability to at a moment's notice, to love someone well instead.

   What if we met back on that corner? After I back things up I am going to see if there is any chance that journal has been saved.

   (Dearest Reader... what corner?  Well it was on a corner of a place I did not recognize that Jesus introduced me to the 'city'.  In the next while I am going way, way back and am going to share where and how the city came to be.  There was a very young girl (I think around 3) I was praying for with serious medical issues and the way I met with Jesus to pray for her was in a very, very different way than I had ever done before and it seemed significantly linked to my city.  Therefore I will post some journals, just before the city, that contain some of my prayers for Rachael )

   Interestingly although my words are not necessarily in my mind anymore the images and my feelings are. I can see or relive what it was like to walk down that alley and being taken aback by the absolute absence of litter or dirt ... anything. and again sitting on the curb and reaching down to touch the gutter and see it clean and clear of all traces of anything. I think it was in this meeting that there was a choice to be made but perhaps that came later. But I remember wondering who would come to our city. Oh yes this all kind of came out of meeting with You and Rachael. So I knew the city was linked with prayer but it was all so unknown ground. I sure hope we can find it.

   So we sit while I wait impatiently and You laugh at me. Softly.  My head hurts. Yes and You pull me close and hold my head against Your chest for a little while. When I straighten up I look down at my feet and the gutter.... tracing the cement with my fingers. And then it starts to rain slowly at first I can see it rather than feel it... each spot that is hit changing color. Gradually the spots merge and the intensity of the rain increases. My jeans are now soaked and stick to my legs, I feel the rain soaking through my hair and run down through my curly hair and onto my sweater. But I am not cold. Finally when I look in the gutter I see a trickle of water now coursing it's way downhill.

  

Go with me

May 4/12

I know it is the same day but I wanted a fresh page.

   Time ticks on... only 30min till we leave. I grab Your coat with both my hands holding tight, beseeching You with my eyes to hear my thoughts and to fill me. You reciprocate the action grabbing onto my coat and Your eyes dance with the light of Your love for me and the manner in which I asked... although the shake of Your head was so very slight, it was there :)

Gray

May 4/12

I know they are wrong when they say I am strong... as the darkness comes and covers me.    

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory... I am not afraid to bear all my weakness

 ... I have a kingdom to gain  (Jennifer Knapp)

                             Captivated by those words. Love them.

     Jesus here am I... send me. I sit beside You. We are on a crazy high cliff and the ocean literally crashes on the rocky shore below. It is uncomfortable here. the wind a little too cold... the salt seems to hang onto the updraft forced up the cliff face and into our faces. The sun must be there but is hidden behind the layers upon layers of gray to the point that I wonder what it would take to actually get through it all. So as I rake my eyes across all that is displayed before me I wonder at just how completely everything is touched by the caste of gray. It seems to leech the life out of everything. Or like everything is frozen or stopped in it's tracks. Even though the ocean still surges it now takes on an angry feel, the drudgery of constant motion. I lift my hand up and see that even I am gray. Disturbing. I want to look at You but in some ways I am afraid... what if You are gray too and what would that mean? Instead You reach over to my hand now resting on my leg. Your hand is like mine in color until the moment You touch me. Where our skin touches the color of life spreads like ink in water. I turn my head now and look at Your face Your eyes are color too. I knew they'd have to be. .... even someone dead inside feels it when they look, really look into Your eyes.

    I know what is coming... we stand up and I see that crinkle around Your eyes. I want to be as close to You as I can so I climb on Your back just before You take a step right off the cliff. WHOOSH. The whistling air steals my hearing and my breath until just as suddenly we hit the water and then all I hear is the roar of plunging through it and then the muffled familiar sound of my own heart and breathing in my ears. Yeah my breathing... it is ragged and irregular as I recover from the suddenness but I break into a big grin as I look for Your face and feel You pulling me by the hand through the water.  Mmm nope.... I laugh. I let go of Your hand and kick with all my strength to catch up and wrap my arms around your neck once again... piggybacking and gliding so smoothly and fast through the water. I love You so much. I am okay here. haha

Nothing dominates You

May 2/12
   Jesus I am here. 
  When I read that lady's telling of her experiencing You reveal Your presence to her and her response was to say... sweet Jesus.  I knew what she knew in that moment. 
   Right now I just want to open myself up completely to You. For whatever You have for me, whatever You want to say to me. In the last few days I have felt You in so very much of what I do, even the small increments of time that I take to read or whether to listen to music or Scripture or what would mean the most to who I am with or will be. I like this intimacy alot. 
Nothing dominates You.