Come find me Jesus

journal entry Oct. 27/11

   I am a tad lost Jesus, come find me.

   If I was wandering alone along a rocky shore that fell in the shadow of the towering mountains I would only have to raise my eyes to see You. And I would not only see You in that shaft of sunlight coming through every break and crack on that ridge so far away but I would feel You too. The light's power to transform what is into something quite glorious sings to my soul of Your purity and Your powerful touch that is constantly redeeming.
   As I look around me and slowly turn perspective weighs with alarming clarity.  I am but a speck, among the ancient trees... but a grain, on the edge of the vast body of quietly moving water. I am but a mote at the roots of these mountains however, I lift my arms out to the sides and lean my head back and give the biggest whoop I can... even my sound is swallowed up but not what is inside. I feel it growing and warming me. I am Yours. I am Yours. I am important, seen, heard... anything but alone! 
   You walk up to me now and keep my eyes captive while You circle around me. Your eyes are so full of words today Jesus like a river full to the brim of swirling mystery and knowledge that betray a depth and power ever so slightly to anyone that really looks. Even though You are not smiling I feel something else. The gravity of love. There is a time for delight in love and enjoying the heady emotion of what it sings but there is a serious, life altering depth that while it simmers quietly most of time every now and again a tendril of it's reality reaches out and wraps itself around Your heart soul and mind for a while. Arresting time and all manner of things while it's grip holds tight. And now that I am there You reach out to hold my hand and start walking down the shore line. Up ahead some light now hits the rocks as the sun finally conquered another ridge as it climbed. In it's embrace we sit on an old washed up log. Funny how these gigantic trunks can seem almost like pickup sticks in their tumbled tangled resting places.
   I will die for You Jesus... every day.
   My voice shatters the silence but I could not restrain the words anymore than I could stop the sun from shining. Although my statement seem weak or hollow in Your presence with the backdrop of my life, I know I mean it. I really do. When I finally am brave enough to look at You my eyes plead for You to search my heart and know I mean it.    
   I believe you little one. You reach out Your hand and touch my cheek... the more you love me kicks into motion more than you can now grasp but I want to explain more of it to you. You hold both my hands now as You begin When you love Me it is with that love you need to love all those around you. Take a moment and think of all those around you.
   We both gaze out at the water lapping at the shore's edge. I think first of those easy to love and who love me back... then I think of those that have hurt or rejected me... and those that make me put a wall up. Then the ones I don't really know, the ones I have judged with no knowledge of, those that intrigue but puzzle me. I think of the youth. I think again of my own family immediate and extended. I've been hearing You say over and over about loving our enemies, being humble, having our hearts broken of self and purified to have good motives, Your motives in Matthew. 
   Umhmm. So it makes sense then, why you need to love Me with all Your heart and soul and mind?  
   Yes, cause if and when it grows... that directly determines to what extent I can love those around me.
    Do you see something else?
   Yes... I have no right to withhold that from anyone. Anyone. It's Your love You are giving me and I need to love like You... with reckless abandon and depth; without rules and conditions. (like how You kept healing) Hence my need to desire to die.
    Ahhh and when you think you are dying to self to love Me indeed you are, yet you can handle that cause I loved you first and continue to do so completely and always... but in loving those of mine around you, that noble desire to die in order to love becomes harder. Especially when it hurts, annoys or even makes you furious and returns less than nothing. But it is what burns and strips away, what purifies and sets you free.
   Hang on is that why You healed everyone... it came out of Your love? Cause I have been trying to make some connection and for us to heal like You did we also need to love like You did because with the motive of love, Your motive, the right healing; actual healing happens.