Journal entry... Nov 1/11
Hey Jesus just wanted to check back in. You know what I figure... I think too much lol. I will never grasp what or where You are going or how, so I think if I just concentrate on staying at Your side that is the best move I can make. I know You love me... cause every now and again You give me a taste of knowing something deeper or with Your perspective. That is good enough for me. I will always pursue You because You are sweeter than life itself. And likewise I know You will pursue me because You love me with this crazy, passionate love that never gives up.
My drive in to the city today was quite brilliant actually. I felt such a contentment and peace... in You... the sun was coming up and was not yet blinding but beautiful and still red. The sky was almost clear and it resonated with it's vastness. I felt You very near. This has been one of those days... a good day.
What can I write? What do You have to say?
Remember the first time you saw Me?
I will never forget.
I love you with the same love as that day and as I had been loving you for your whole life
... what is changed?
It is you. In the trust you gave Me much has changed within you. You don't feel that different... well you don't think you feel very old either hahaha. You are you know. You'll be coming to Me sooner than you realize.
It has taken me so long to learn even in part how to love You... I am sorry it takes me so long, but I want to thank You for being so patient. It makes me wonder what You will do with me for the remainder of my time here.
As I sit with You listening to the music I think about our ministry... a phrase from the song stands out...
"this is the way I say I love You..."
I suppose I love You, Jesus, by (sharing) teaching and loving them and You along all those around me. I suppose I say I love You by how completely I learn to serve those around me too. I know we have our secret place which at times is not so secret, lol, like when I blog it! but what I do out of the fruit of that speaks with a deeper power than my words ever will I suppose.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thinking things through
journal entry... Oct. 31/11
Okay Jesus I think I have realized an error in my thinking. When I heard some statements that seemed in conflict with my line of thinking yet I knew that the statements were true I conclude that I am getting off the rails. I want to ask for Your forgiveness and to lead me in Your ways completely. Jesus I suppose that is me wanting to be wise but I don't need any accolades from man I only want Your opinion and voice and ways. So I will go back to just talking to You till You lead me otherwise.
Hey Jesus trying to comprehend You and Your ways is tricky... and needs to be treated with a deep reverence and respect. Let's see, if I content myself with getting as close to You as I can I suppose that You would reveal what I need when I need it. Including understanding and theology. I remember always having a hunger to be wise and seen as wise. But that is in Your hands like everything else. Of a few things I am quite convinced and I know it butts heads with a few around me... but I feel the process of us becoming Holy and like You is a process and a daily one at that. I believe that there are things we cannot possibly comprehend or realize is there until the time comes for us to recognize and decide to deal with it. I think this is in line with who You are. You accept us where ever You are without question. You will touch, heal, answer prayer and reveal Yourself to Your beloved whether they are believers yet or not. It is only when we give ourselves to You that You start to gradually shape us and prune away the broken and dead things we have inside. This speaks of Your mercy and faithfulness. This process involves a loss often of what we felt defined us and that is scary at times and painful. Your gradual working within us shows me that You understand mourning and how to comfort us in that and bring us through and out of that. I could go on to realize how that pruning made room for new passions of Yours to take root inside us ... that hunger and thirst for righteousness.
Jesus I want to say I love You. I want to honor You today...
So Jesus what are You up too? The business of redeeming.
Cool. Can I hang out with You for a while? You laugh and as I feel the notes of it fall all around me all feels right in the world. There will be alot of this in the new heaven and earth.
Hmmm.
I tuck in under Your arm as we start walking.
It's interesting when you don't see what is coming around the corner.
It kinda keeps me going... wondering what's there.
Gives hope.
Yes it does cause if things are bad there is still reason to hope there is good coming. Or if things are good there is anticipation for what's around the bend. Or if I am just existing I can see where I have come from and hold out hope to just get through to what's ahead.
You know what's cool about hope?
What?
It increases your faith.
Hmmm. Okay... if I hope then I am believing that will happen. If I believe something will happen I am believing something to be true about who You are. For sometimes there really is no logical reason to hope or hang on yet we do because I believe somewhere that You are God and You are real and in control. When we see our hope fulfilled we then KNOW something more about You from our experience or have it confirmed. But what if You don't do what we want or expect You to do? What of that ... disappointment?
Think about it... if in my grace and love I cause you to hope in the first place am I not also able to bring you through disappointment to understanding? That the hope in Me was greatly founded and that my ways are indeed higher than your ways. You can learn both ways in the end. Both ways can lead to a greater hope and thus a greater faith thus a deeper relationship.
That's part of Your redemption isn't it.
A little too efficient tonight got the potatoes done too early lol. I have a little time so I wanted to come back. If You painted a picture of today what would it look like? This is what I see... A man has walked through a field down a hill to some fruit trees at the forefront. The picture is in black and white except what this man has touched. In the black and white there is also revelation of what we normally cannnot
Okay Jesus I think I have realized an error in my thinking. When I heard some statements that seemed in conflict with my line of thinking yet I knew that the statements were true I conclude that I am getting off the rails. I want to ask for Your forgiveness and to lead me in Your ways completely. Jesus I suppose that is me wanting to be wise but I don't need any accolades from man I only want Your opinion and voice and ways. So I will go back to just talking to You till You lead me otherwise.
Hey Jesus trying to comprehend You and Your ways is tricky... and needs to be treated with a deep reverence and respect. Let's see, if I content myself with getting as close to You as I can I suppose that You would reveal what I need when I need it. Including understanding and theology. I remember always having a hunger to be wise and seen as wise. But that is in Your hands like everything else. Of a few things I am quite convinced and I know it butts heads with a few around me... but I feel the process of us becoming Holy and like You is a process and a daily one at that. I believe that there are things we cannot possibly comprehend or realize is there until the time comes for us to recognize and decide to deal with it. I think this is in line with who You are. You accept us where ever You are without question. You will touch, heal, answer prayer and reveal Yourself to Your beloved whether they are believers yet or not. It is only when we give ourselves to You that You start to gradually shape us and prune away the broken and dead things we have inside. This speaks of Your mercy and faithfulness. This process involves a loss often of what we felt defined us and that is scary at times and painful. Your gradual working within us shows me that You understand mourning and how to comfort us in that and bring us through and out of that. I could go on to realize how that pruning made room for new passions of Yours to take root inside us ... that hunger and thirst for righteousness.
Jesus I want to say I love You. I want to honor You today...
So Jesus what are You up too? The business of redeeming.
Cool. Can I hang out with You for a while? You laugh and as I feel the notes of it fall all around me all feels right in the world. There will be alot of this in the new heaven and earth.
Hmmm.
I tuck in under Your arm as we start walking.
It's interesting when you don't see what is coming around the corner.
It kinda keeps me going... wondering what's there.
Gives hope.
Yes it does cause if things are bad there is still reason to hope there is good coming. Or if things are good there is anticipation for what's around the bend. Or if I am just existing I can see where I have come from and hold out hope to just get through to what's ahead.
You know what's cool about hope?
What?
It increases your faith.
Hmmm. Okay... if I hope then I am believing that will happen. If I believe something will happen I am believing something to be true about who You are. For sometimes there really is no logical reason to hope or hang on yet we do because I believe somewhere that You are God and You are real and in control. When we see our hope fulfilled we then KNOW something more about You from our experience or have it confirmed. But what if You don't do what we want or expect You to do? What of that ... disappointment?
Think about it... if in my grace and love I cause you to hope in the first place am I not also able to bring you through disappointment to understanding? That the hope in Me was greatly founded and that my ways are indeed higher than your ways. You can learn both ways in the end. Both ways can lead to a greater hope and thus a greater faith thus a deeper relationship.
That's part of Your redemption isn't it.
A little too efficient tonight got the potatoes done too early lol. I have a little time so I wanted to come back. If You painted a picture of today what would it look like? This is what I see... A man has walked through a field down a hill to some fruit trees at the forefront. The picture is in black and white except what this man has touched. In the black and white there is also revelation of what we normally cannnot
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Come find me Jesus
journal entry Oct. 27/11
I am a tad lost Jesus, come find me.
If I was wandering alone along a rocky shore that fell in the shadow of the towering mountains I would only have to raise my eyes to see You. And I would not only see You in that shaft of sunlight coming through every break and crack on that ridge so far away but I would feel You too. The light's power to transform what is into something quite glorious sings to my soul of Your purity and Your powerful touch that is constantly redeeming.
As I look around me and slowly turn perspective weighs with alarming clarity. I am but a speck, among the ancient trees... but a grain, on the edge of the vast body of quietly moving water. I am but a mote at the roots of these mountains however, I lift my arms out to the sides and lean my head back and give the biggest whoop I can... even my sound is swallowed up but not what is inside. I feel it growing and warming me. I am Yours. I am Yours. I am important, seen, heard... anything but alone!
You walk up to me now and keep my eyes captive while You circle around me. Your eyes are so full of words today Jesus like a river full to the brim of swirling mystery and knowledge that betray a depth and power ever so slightly to anyone that really looks. Even though You are not smiling I feel something else. The gravity of love. There is a time for delight in love and enjoying the heady emotion of what it sings but there is a serious, life altering depth that while it simmers quietly most of time every now and again a tendril of it's reality reaches out and wraps itself around Your heart soul and mind for a while. Arresting time and all manner of things while it's grip holds tight. And now that I am there You reach out to hold my hand and start walking down the shore line. Up ahead some light now hits the rocks as the sun finally conquered another ridge as it climbed. In it's embrace we sit on an old washed up log. Funny how these gigantic trunks can seem almost like pickup sticks in their tumbled tangled resting places.
I will die for You Jesus... every day.
My voice shatters the silence but I could not restrain the words anymore than I could stop the sun from shining. Although my statement seem weak or hollow in Your presence with the backdrop of my life, I know I mean it. I really do. When I finally am brave enough to look at You my eyes plead for You to search my heart and know I mean it.
I believe you little one. You reach out Your hand and touch my cheek... the more you love me kicks into motion more than you can now grasp but I want to explain more of it to you. You hold both my hands now as You begin When you love Me it is with that love you need to love all those around you. Take a moment and think of all those around you.
We both gaze out at the water lapping at the shore's edge. I think first of those easy to love and who love me back... then I think of those that have hurt or rejected me... and those that make me put a wall up. Then the ones I don't really know, the ones I have judged with no knowledge of, those that intrigue but puzzle me. I think of the youth. I think again of my own family immediate and extended. I've been hearing You say over and over about loving our enemies, being humble, having our hearts broken of self and purified to have good motives, Your motives in Matthew.
Umhmm. So it makes sense then, why you need to love Me with all Your heart and soul and mind?
Yes, cause if and when it grows... that directly determines to what extent I can love those around me.
Do you see something else?
Yes... I have no right to withhold that from anyone. Anyone. It's Your love You are giving me and I need to love like You... with reckless abandon and depth; without rules and conditions. (like how You kept healing) Hence my need to desire to die.
Ahhh and when you think you are dying to self to love Me indeed you are, yet you can handle that cause I loved you first and continue to do so completely and always... but in loving those of mine around you, that noble desire to die in order to love becomes harder. Especially when it hurts, annoys or even makes you furious and returns less than nothing. But it is what burns and strips away, what purifies and sets you free.
Hang on is that why You healed everyone... it came out of Your love? Cause I have been trying to make some connection and for us to heal like You did we also need to love like You did because with the motive of love, Your motive, the right healing; actual healing happens.
I am a tad lost Jesus, come find me.
If I was wandering alone along a rocky shore that fell in the shadow of the towering mountains I would only have to raise my eyes to see You. And I would not only see You in that shaft of sunlight coming through every break and crack on that ridge so far away but I would feel You too. The light's power to transform what is into something quite glorious sings to my soul of Your purity and Your powerful touch that is constantly redeeming.
As I look around me and slowly turn perspective weighs with alarming clarity. I am but a speck, among the ancient trees... but a grain, on the edge of the vast body of quietly moving water. I am but a mote at the roots of these mountains however, I lift my arms out to the sides and lean my head back and give the biggest whoop I can... even my sound is swallowed up but not what is inside. I feel it growing and warming me. I am Yours. I am Yours. I am important, seen, heard... anything but alone!
You walk up to me now and keep my eyes captive while You circle around me. Your eyes are so full of words today Jesus like a river full to the brim of swirling mystery and knowledge that betray a depth and power ever so slightly to anyone that really looks. Even though You are not smiling I feel something else. The gravity of love. There is a time for delight in love and enjoying the heady emotion of what it sings but there is a serious, life altering depth that while it simmers quietly most of time every now and again a tendril of it's reality reaches out and wraps itself around Your heart soul and mind for a while. Arresting time and all manner of things while it's grip holds tight. And now that I am there You reach out to hold my hand and start walking down the shore line. Up ahead some light now hits the rocks as the sun finally conquered another ridge as it climbed. In it's embrace we sit on an old washed up log. Funny how these gigantic trunks can seem almost like pickup sticks in their tumbled tangled resting places.
I will die for You Jesus... every day.
My voice shatters the silence but I could not restrain the words anymore than I could stop the sun from shining. Although my statement seem weak or hollow in Your presence with the backdrop of my life, I know I mean it. I really do. When I finally am brave enough to look at You my eyes plead for You to search my heart and know I mean it.
I believe you little one. You reach out Your hand and touch my cheek... the more you love me kicks into motion more than you can now grasp but I want to explain more of it to you. You hold both my hands now as You begin When you love Me it is with that love you need to love all those around you. Take a moment and think of all those around you.
We both gaze out at the water lapping at the shore's edge. I think first of those easy to love and who love me back... then I think of those that have hurt or rejected me... and those that make me put a wall up. Then the ones I don't really know, the ones I have judged with no knowledge of, those that intrigue but puzzle me. I think of the youth. I think again of my own family immediate and extended. I've been hearing You say over and over about loving our enemies, being humble, having our hearts broken of self and purified to have good motives, Your motives in Matthew.
Umhmm. So it makes sense then, why you need to love Me with all Your heart and soul and mind?
Yes, cause if and when it grows... that directly determines to what extent I can love those around me.
Do you see something else?
Yes... I have no right to withhold that from anyone. Anyone. It's Your love You are giving me and I need to love like You... with reckless abandon and depth; without rules and conditions. (like how You kept healing) Hence my need to desire to die.
Ahhh and when you think you are dying to self to love Me indeed you are, yet you can handle that cause I loved you first and continue to do so completely and always... but in loving those of mine around you, that noble desire to die in order to love becomes harder. Especially when it hurts, annoys or even makes you furious and returns less than nothing. But it is what burns and strips away, what purifies and sets you free.
Hang on is that why You healed everyone... it came out of Your love? Cause I have been trying to make some connection and for us to heal like You did we also need to love like You did because with the motive of love, Your motive, the right healing; actual healing happens.
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