Morning Jesus....
Okay I've learned another lesson ... In this courtship I need to take more and more time to KNOW You. Just a little is not what satisfies or keeps one happy... yah that was lame. Yikes where was my head? Anything that pulls me away from You is given more power for another time, to do it again and for longer. To actually look at the time of separation (not You from me but me from You) is horrific really because to be anywhere without You is so devastatingly empty. Lifeless. No temporary thing would ever be worth it.
Okay I got that.
And it's a funny thing I've gotten things all along this road and I always think 'okay I know this now' but I see, looking back, that we can always KNOW it on a deeper level or in a different (very applicable) sense. It's like we never fully know. Huh there's a verse with that one lol. And so we travel on picking up what in some ways looks like the same lesson over and over but no... often it seems like the same thing but it is teaching a deeper truth or asking us to step into a deeper Knowledge which affects our walk with You our courtship (relationship) with You.
Therefore... I will look up and into Your face and say I am sorry this is what I allow within and where I am. Please forgive me and bring me back to You and further into You. Left on my own I cannot. And we face forward and take a step in unison and I am glad.
So I just had a thought Jesus does this experience make me ready to share my time of lent?
journal entry Sept 21 10
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Jesus I am so filled with You. That desire to live this life so fully fills me till I cannot express it ... I want to be completely Yours.
Jesus can we meet? I have to say this... Jesus, I want to be so close to you that I know what to say and when to whomever You desire. This emotion I feel is so real and I know that I am only on such a small square of it and that knowledge just fills me with such awe. Only in Your timing and will, as everything always hinges on You. I guess I just thirst for it ... for it all. : )
Live life with the knowledge of what this life is Be enraptured by it ... hold onto it all with both hands and hear me whisper and call and speak the truth of love of Myself into all situations, all seasons, all experiences. Live not looking and going through the motions of the necessary and unnecessary but let it be literally immersed by My presence, My voice, My purpose, My love, My call. I chose you Tam, in that dream at Yellowstone National park... I know you remember. I chose you and you know that now, though you only know in part ... now, is not the time we get to be together fully... this is our time of courtship... of getting to KNOW Me... and you seeing and experiencing how I KNOW you. Remember when I held your face and told you I loved you? Hear Me again.
Jesus it is painful how time flies by during these intimate moments I only have a few minutes left. Maybe only a few moments left at the computer but can that stop us from being together? Can I not walk with You constantly, talking and sharing Myself and My love for you? Can I not enable you to have that heart of flesh, that heart and mind always wanting Me and My ways? Enabling your ears to hear and eyes to see? Is there anything I cannot do? You can, I limit myself by myself too often. Teach me to live in You instead. Never to be content anywhere else.
.... journal entry Sept 20 10
Jesus can we meet? I have to say this... Jesus, I want to be so close to you that I know what to say and when to whomever You desire. This emotion I feel is so real and I know that I am only on such a small square of it and that knowledge just fills me with such awe. Only in Your timing and will, as everything always hinges on You. I guess I just thirst for it ... for it all. : )
Live life with the knowledge of what this life is Be enraptured by it ... hold onto it all with both hands and hear me whisper and call and speak the truth of love of Myself into all situations, all seasons, all experiences. Live not looking and going through the motions of the necessary and unnecessary but let it be literally immersed by My presence, My voice, My purpose, My love, My call. I chose you Tam, in that dream at Yellowstone National park... I know you remember. I chose you and you know that now, though you only know in part ... now, is not the time we get to be together fully... this is our time of courtship... of getting to KNOW Me... and you seeing and experiencing how I KNOW you. Remember when I held your face and told you I loved you? Hear Me again.
Jesus it is painful how time flies by during these intimate moments I only have a few minutes left. Maybe only a few moments left at the computer but can that stop us from being together? Can I not walk with You constantly, talking and sharing Myself and My love for you? Can I not enable you to have that heart of flesh, that heart and mind always wanting Me and My ways? Enabling your ears to hear and eyes to see? Is there anything I cannot do? You can, I limit myself by myself too often. Teach me to live in You instead. Never to be content anywhere else.
.... journal entry Sept 20 10
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A portion of a journal entry Sept 20/10
Hey Jesus... so a few things are rolling around in my mind...
... purity... as one of the deepest expressions of love. So in this time here on earth it is that time isn't it? Where we realize Your love and how our love responds to Yours as we journey down a path of discovery and revelation. There is anticipation and delight at each new thing we learn about one another and how Your touch redeems, restores, frees and heals us. It is preparing us to be Your bride. Two thoughts... one, monks really caught something didn't they. Secondly, some think of this time here to be endured until something better comes BUT You want to KNOWN by a bride that comes (in free choice) to KNOW You which leads to such a depth of relationship. You never leave Your beloved broken and bleeding but desire to reach out and hold as You heal and free in Your continuing and faithful love.
Our time here is like a courtship. And what You give is not flawed in any way. It is characterized by such a depth of purity which far exceeds our attempts to express love ... that purity tells such a tale of a true and sacrificial love that cannot be matched. I am coming to think that when the world tells it's stories of love, it is proof of Your existence .... Your existence in us. We long for You, which means we long for this kind of love and it comes through over and over and over... through our art, our writings, our theatre and movies... again and again the things that moves our souls is in the description of what real love looks like, feels like, acts like... it breaks our hearts to witness even a glimpse of it because we know that we know that this is real and we are far from it. Yet we want it. So briefly back to the monks and of course for me Brother Lawrence. He lived a life in love to You. He really caught it. There is something to be heralded about the one who lives to be God's alone. Shauna said she would love to be a monk how brilliant is it indeed... living Your life to God and for God required to only do the necessity of living and dedicating all other time to You alone... and really being allowed to not live by the world's standards of success / failure expectations culture etc. Okay, but here's the rub... wouldn't it be even cooler if these amazing people could live not cloistered away (for most of the time) but live among us who choose really, to be so interconnected with the world and it's ways. But hang on perhaps that can't happen because part of their purpose it to remind and inspire and 'give permission' (not literally) for us to live differently exactly where we are.
Hey Jesus... so a few things are rolling around in my mind...
... purity... as one of the deepest expressions of love. So in this time here on earth it is that time isn't it? Where we realize Your love and how our love responds to Yours as we journey down a path of discovery and revelation. There is anticipation and delight at each new thing we learn about one another and how Your touch redeems, restores, frees and heals us. It is preparing us to be Your bride. Two thoughts... one, monks really caught something didn't they. Secondly, some think of this time here to be endured until something better comes BUT You want to KNOWN by a bride that comes (in free choice) to KNOW You which leads to such a depth of relationship. You never leave Your beloved broken and bleeding but desire to reach out and hold as You heal and free in Your continuing and faithful love.
Our time here is like a courtship. And what You give is not flawed in any way. It is characterized by such a depth of purity which far exceeds our attempts to express love ... that purity tells such a tale of a true and sacrificial love that cannot be matched. I am coming to think that when the world tells it's stories of love, it is proof of Your existence .... Your existence in us. We long for You, which means we long for this kind of love and it comes through over and over and over... through our art, our writings, our theatre and movies... again and again the things that moves our souls is in the description of what real love looks like, feels like, acts like... it breaks our hearts to witness even a glimpse of it because we know that we know that this is real and we are far from it. Yet we want it. So briefly back to the monks and of course for me Brother Lawrence. He lived a life in love to You. He really caught it. There is something to be heralded about the one who lives to be God's alone. Shauna said she would love to be a monk how brilliant is it indeed... living Your life to God and for God required to only do the necessity of living and dedicating all other time to You alone... and really being allowed to not live by the world's standards of success / failure expectations culture etc. Okay, but here's the rub... wouldn't it be even cooler if these amazing people could live not cloistered away (for most of the time) but live among us who choose really, to be so interconnected with the world and it's ways. But hang on perhaps that can't happen because part of their purpose it to remind and inspire and 'give permission' (not literally) for us to live differently exactly where we are.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Hey Jesus ... it has been a couple of days. My heart has been calling to You alot lately, often in a confused and lost way. Lost because I feel like I don't recognize where I am. The only thing that is familiar is the ache for You... that takes over inside and washes over me with an intensity that sometimes leaves me breathless. You know there are sometimes Jesus that I am more afraid of myself than anything else. What really is scarier or more threatening than what we are capable of inside our own hearts and souls? What can pull us away from You easier than our own voices, our own vices ... the pride that has so many faces to hide it's ugliness. What of our desire for control? Our desire for our own happiness and comfort? The sheer ignorance of our indecent and indignant demand for what we deserve... what we are entitled to? In the clarity of this moment I see just how sacrificial You are by stepping into our lives and asking us to surrender. The biggest sacrifice is not what we are giving up. It is what You do... what You are willing to do... what You have already done so You would be always right there ready to step in, to pour out, to hold us before the word has even left our lips. We are so sadly deluded into thinking that You are asking so much of us. It all leaves me a little sick inside, at the extent of the facade we hold onto with a grip that leaves gouges, threatening wounds that will fester and bleed.
I sit here a little stunned and what I think is this. There is something I want to ask for Jesus... first Jesus, Father and sweet sweet Holy Spirit... I want a relationship with You more than anything (fully aware that I fail miserably at this over and again). Next is, I know my battle with the carefully erected facade will not leave without constant and vigilant battle so I want to ask You, Jesus, for a weapon. I want to ask that You would place in the deepest part of my heart a picture or word or ??? of the truth. The truth of living in You... and what that really required and requires of You... yes You not me. We've masterfully twisted it and I don't want to anymore. I want to fight against that part of me. I don't know where this will take me but Jesus knowing that I will need You for all of it sits right with me.
I sit here a little stunned and what I think is this. There is something I want to ask for Jesus... first Jesus, Father and sweet sweet Holy Spirit... I want a relationship with You more than anything (fully aware that I fail miserably at this over and again). Next is, I know my battle with the carefully erected facade will not leave without constant and vigilant battle so I want to ask You, Jesus, for a weapon. I want to ask that You would place in the deepest part of my heart a picture or word or ??? of the truth. The truth of living in You... and what that really required and requires of You... yes You not me. We've masterfully twisted it and I don't want to anymore. I want to fight against that part of me. I don't know where this will take me but Jesus knowing that I will need You for all of it sits right with me.
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