Dearest Readers,
Normally I am always playing catch up with my journal entries. Today however I want to pause to say thanks. There is one very cool anonymous Reader out there who is in the Unites States and somehow seems to very often read my posts when they are hot off the press. I just want to let you know that I pray for you. Thanks for reading.
I would love to know more of you feel free to send an email or leave a comment... I appreciate you all!
Tamera.
Monday, December 17, 2012
the white room
Sept 13/12 Journal entry.
Hello my dearest Jesus, this has been an amazing day. Once again I relish in the quiet of the house and getting so many things accomplished but it seems that even in this you bless me for I also have had time to sit and enjoy reading or the like. Thank You for this blessing of much peace and delight.
Jesus what can I do for You today? What can I do to bring a smile upon Your face and contentedness to Your heart?
I would love to be in a white room with You. Every object white with a seemingly unending supply of paint, of color rich in emotion and storytelling. However, this time with You would be unlike any other time... for where I normally hesitate and plan and doubt my starting point I would, in contrast, be free and alive with purpose! Some paint would be splashed upon the walls while other colors put on with the precision of a brush loaded with paint and eager to make a mark.
I would laugh out loud at times in the rapture of the moment and be silent and thoughtful in others. I would look to You often to share this time together. I would see and feel You in the work. Where colors are running down and mixing with others in swirls and lines. I see You giving depth where I could not, nor could I imagine it... in shades and tints. We both work industriously together, side by side and with such intent that we use our hands as our instruments. Little regard is given to the back splash of paint and of cleaning our hands in between colors... we too have become apart of this creation!
As with other experiences, this is one I cannot explain adequately what I feel nor do I have a clear definition of what I see... this really is a time of sharing our souls with one another. We now sit in the middle of the room back to back knees up taking it all in. Seeing what Sarayu has added and the messages and love it speaks. We quietly hold hands. And it is good. :)
Hello my dearest Jesus, this has been an amazing day. Once again I relish in the quiet of the house and getting so many things accomplished but it seems that even in this you bless me for I also have had time to sit and enjoy reading or the like. Thank You for this blessing of much peace and delight.
Jesus what can I do for You today? What can I do to bring a smile upon Your face and contentedness to Your heart?
I would love to be in a white room with You. Every object white with a seemingly unending supply of paint, of color rich in emotion and storytelling. However, this time with You would be unlike any other time... for where I normally hesitate and plan and doubt my starting point I would, in contrast, be free and alive with purpose! Some paint would be splashed upon the walls while other colors put on with the precision of a brush loaded with paint and eager to make a mark.
I would laugh out loud at times in the rapture of the moment and be silent and thoughtful in others. I would look to You often to share this time together. I would see and feel You in the work. Where colors are running down and mixing with others in swirls and lines. I see You giving depth where I could not, nor could I imagine it... in shades and tints. We both work industriously together, side by side and with such intent that we use our hands as our instruments. Little regard is given to the back splash of paint and of cleaning our hands in between colors... we too have become apart of this creation!
As with other experiences, this is one I cannot explain adequately what I feel nor do I have a clear definition of what I see... this really is a time of sharing our souls with one another. We now sit in the middle of the room back to back knees up taking it all in. Seeing what Sarayu has added and the messages and love it speaks. We quietly hold hands. And it is good. :)
Thursday, December 13, 2012
all that matters
Aug 21/12 a wee journal excerpt...
Jesus, I grab Your hand and we walk.
It doesn't matter where we are. It doesn't matter what is happening around us. Being with You is all that matters. Glances at each other that catch one another's love, laughter and vulnerability. There is just such a lack of pretenses with You. In this freedom everything seems just so much more. Big, alive, real. I cannot help but laugh in it's sheer delight.
Jesus, I grab Your hand and we walk.
It doesn't matter where we are. It doesn't matter what is happening around us. Being with You is all that matters. Glances at each other that catch one another's love, laughter and vulnerability. There is just such a lack of pretenses with You. In this freedom everything seems just so much more. Big, alive, real. I cannot help but laugh in it's sheer delight.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
You are for me
Aug 19/12 Journal entry.
You know what Jesus... You were my friend today. (That may sound so odd and if I step back from it it also sounds manipulative but that is not my intent.)
During the worship set, before I spoke, You met me and my desperate want and need for You... You told me that You were what You have been teaching me. There. And real. That You are for me. And because of what You have helped me receive and gradually apply, I was actually at that point... that point where I believe this, I can exist there right now. In the place where I am so confident that You are for me that it doesn't matter what the outcome is... it may look as if it was a failure or it may look like it was received but that is not my concern. I get to love You by following through on what You asked me to do (which I must add was a heart cry of mine those months ago when I lamented over not 'doing' anything with what You were revealing to me ... the fear that I was failing You or that You may quit giving stuff to me because I was such a bad manager).
I really can and will be okay with whatever is in store because I know in obeying You I will, at the end of this, be right beside You. And that is enough for me. I love You Jesus so much.
Abba Father thank You for protecting me, shielding me not only from outside attack but from myself today. Sarayu thank You for being my voice today ... I don't believe I have ever shared in a small circle or large that smoothly before. It was You who relayed the message into my heart in the first place thank You for the honor of sharing it further.... You are sweet.
You know what Jesus... You were my friend today. (That may sound so odd and if I step back from it it also sounds manipulative but that is not my intent.)
During the worship set, before I spoke, You met me and my desperate want and need for You... You told me that You were what You have been teaching me. There. And real. That You are for me. And because of what You have helped me receive and gradually apply, I was actually at that point... that point where I believe this, I can exist there right now. In the place where I am so confident that You are for me that it doesn't matter what the outcome is... it may look as if it was a failure or it may look like it was received but that is not my concern. I get to love You by following through on what You asked me to do (which I must add was a heart cry of mine those months ago when I lamented over not 'doing' anything with what You were revealing to me ... the fear that I was failing You or that You may quit giving stuff to me because I was such a bad manager).
I really can and will be okay with whatever is in store because I know in obeying You I will, at the end of this, be right beside You. And that is enough for me. I love You Jesus so much.
Abba Father thank You for protecting me, shielding me not only from outside attack but from myself today. Sarayu thank You for being my voice today ... I don't believe I have ever shared in a small circle or large that smoothly before. It was You who relayed the message into my heart in the first place thank You for the honor of sharing it further.... You are sweet.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Jesus starts a conversation
Aug 15/12 Journal.
Well how about we talk together now?
Yes please! Jesus, your soft laughter sets me at ease and in anticipation... kinda like now we are getting some where ;)
What do you think I want my Beloved to hear?
That surrender isn't optional.
Nice.
And that dependence is sweet.... more full of life than we can now grasp.
My whole ministry had a base of surrender and dependence and I made no secret of it. I said it straight out, it was in my actions, it was in my passion. Why is it not optional? Let me ask you this... what comes out of it? Relationship. And not a single moment kind of thing... an ongoing, up and down, weathering changing growing union.
Abba, you took me on a ride of a lesson in this last month in which I learned that there are ways and levels I had not even gleaned that I could step into You with. Surrender often brings to mind sins or habits that distract, perhaps attitudes that continually cause regret... what if surrender also includes things that just are like daily habits or chores, or our selves... our physical needs like food and shelter. What about our emotional and spiritual things? Our sense of worth and value, ways we manage things to keep an equilibrium both inside and out?
So I want to use You and Your actions to show Your surrender to Abba.
Okay why?
Because surrender is not an option.
Right.
Nor is dependence.
Umhmm, again why?
Because relationship is what has always been desired... I hear that message throughout the whole bible! " I will be Your God and You will be my people... I will remove your heart of stone and put in a heart of flesh... my Beloved... Return to Me and I will return to you... offer yourselves as a living sacrifice.... and this is eternal life that you would know (Me)".
I look across the table at You and I wonder at what stirs within. I see and feel stuff in the story of the lives around me and it makes life become more tangible, with brighter color and the deepest of black contouring the edges of all the in between. I feel the desire to live bigger than myself and although I have no idea what that means or looks like it still is a reoccurring feeling that is very, very real for me. I think the closest I can come to it in words is that I desire to be more like You Sarayu... free in You. Yes that is it. The closer I get to that the more my life will spill over with color. You put Your hand down on the center of the table and slowly drag it back... what happens makes me smile and laugh so loud inside... there on the table is a smeared trail of many many colors. Hahahaha... I reach out and put my hand where Yours has been imitating You, smearing color towards me. You join in my delight and we hold onto each other paint smeared hand. Possible. Hmmm.
Well how about we talk together now?
Yes please! Jesus, your soft laughter sets me at ease and in anticipation... kinda like now we are getting some where ;)
What do you think I want my Beloved to hear?
That surrender isn't optional.
Nice.
And that dependence is sweet.... more full of life than we can now grasp.
My whole ministry had a base of surrender and dependence and I made no secret of it. I said it straight out, it was in my actions, it was in my passion. Why is it not optional? Let me ask you this... what comes out of it? Relationship. And not a single moment kind of thing... an ongoing, up and down, weathering changing growing union.
Abba, you took me on a ride of a lesson in this last month in which I learned that there are ways and levels I had not even gleaned that I could step into You with. Surrender often brings to mind sins or habits that distract, perhaps attitudes that continually cause regret... what if surrender also includes things that just are like daily habits or chores, or our selves... our physical needs like food and shelter. What about our emotional and spiritual things? Our sense of worth and value, ways we manage things to keep an equilibrium both inside and out?
So I want to use You and Your actions to show Your surrender to Abba.
Okay why?
Because surrender is not an option.
Right.
Nor is dependence.
Umhmm, again why?
Because relationship is what has always been desired... I hear that message throughout the whole bible! " I will be Your God and You will be my people... I will remove your heart of stone and put in a heart of flesh... my Beloved... Return to Me and I will return to you... offer yourselves as a living sacrifice.... and this is eternal life that you would know (Me)".
I look across the table at You and I wonder at what stirs within. I see and feel stuff in the story of the lives around me and it makes life become more tangible, with brighter color and the deepest of black contouring the edges of all the in between. I feel the desire to live bigger than myself and although I have no idea what that means or looks like it still is a reoccurring feeling that is very, very real for me. I think the closest I can come to it in words is that I desire to be more like You Sarayu... free in You. Yes that is it. The closer I get to that the more my life will spill over with color. You put Your hand down on the center of the table and slowly drag it back... what happens makes me smile and laugh so loud inside... there on the table is a smeared trail of many many colors. Hahahaha... I reach out and put my hand where Yours has been imitating You, smearing color towards me. You join in my delight and we hold onto each other paint smeared hand. Possible. Hmmm.
Monday, December 10, 2012
fasting lessons
Aug 12/12 Journal entry.
Morning Jesus, I want to offer all of me again this morning asking for Your help to be present and for Your help to prepare me and Your hearers. Jesus I couldn't slow my brain down last night and it was crazy late before I slept but I feel very good this morning and I want to thank You so much for that circle time last night ... the connecting with You. If You have a word this morning You want me to share please let my ears be attentive and my will ready.
Note to self on fasting lessons...
Morning Jesus, I want to offer all of me again this morning asking for Your help to be present and for Your help to prepare me and Your hearers. Jesus I couldn't slow my brain down last night and it was crazy late before I slept but I feel very good this morning and I want to thank You so much for that circle time last night ... the connecting with You. If You have a word this morning You want me to share please let my ears be attentive and my will ready.
Note to self on fasting lessons...
- giving up independence and learning that "God will take care of me" has sunk in to a level I have never before experienced.
- Be aware of rash and error of thought processes that steal from God and the power of His Spirit. He can sustain me learning the layer lesson.
- Which applies further, not letting usual responses (of even hunger) have mastery over me. There is no reason for it or excuse if God is taking care of me physically then He also can take care of me in attitudes and words therefore the power of that attitude was stolen and conquered.
- Huh... just thinking about it right now some of my surliness from being late to a meal I contributed to low blood sugar levels was perhaps also my own emotional response to being uncomfortable because I wasn't able to control or meet that need when I wanted to... wow. So if in giving my independence to God and not taking that meeting of the need on myself I could also give Him my sour attitude at my physical discomfort, He will sustain me. He will sustain me.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
When You speak
Aug 3/12 Journal excerpts...
Morning Jesus, for the first time I am actually awake and up before Bailey and I just have to say how cool it is when You speak through devotions and Scripture to affirm an experience. The devotion was on seeking Your face instead of Your hands, which has also been in my journals in the last couple of days. Thank You for that hug right off the bat!
... I love You, I need You.
There is something about this ridge line isn't there... like a purpose in the image.
Hahaha usually is.
Oh I loved Your words to Daniel when he was by the river Kebar... first and foremost about him being loved ... and heard... and yet he had to wait for a response, for a reason he would never have been able to conceptualize. You and Michael were fighting a battle... that intrigues and fascinates me for so many reasons. That You were battling for an extended period of time... that the battle sounded, well, like a battle... why didn't You just speak it and it was done? Oh that makes me go back to another thought ... ourselves and prayer and the time you told your disciples that 'this kind of spirit only comes out by prayer and fasting' what kind of battle is going on there and interestingly we are called to fast! Sarayu help me out here... I am losing my thoughts too fast... this discipline isn't taken out of the equation after the infilling of Your Spirit.
Morning Jesus, for the first time I am actually awake and up before Bailey and I just have to say how cool it is when You speak through devotions and Scripture to affirm an experience. The devotion was on seeking Your face instead of Your hands, which has also been in my journals in the last couple of days. Thank You for that hug right off the bat!
... I love You, I need You.
There is something about this ridge line isn't there... like a purpose in the image.
Hahaha usually is.
Oh I loved Your words to Daniel when he was by the river Kebar... first and foremost about him being loved ... and heard... and yet he had to wait for a response, for a reason he would never have been able to conceptualize. You and Michael were fighting a battle... that intrigues and fascinates me for so many reasons. That You were battling for an extended period of time... that the battle sounded, well, like a battle... why didn't You just speak it and it was done? Oh that makes me go back to another thought ... ourselves and prayer and the time you told your disciples that 'this kind of spirit only comes out by prayer and fasting' what kind of battle is going on there and interestingly we are called to fast! Sarayu help me out here... I am losing my thoughts too fast... this discipline isn't taken out of the equation after the infilling of Your Spirit.
Monday, December 3, 2012
falling off my horse
Aug 2/12 Journal entry.
Okay Jesus, that was quite an amazing ride!! It was such an affirmation that You were there with us and answering our often rout sounding prayer against injury for both our horses and ourselves... to come off my horse, Coke, saddle and all and be absolutely no worse for the wear lol... You were there. Bailey was leading today enjoying our sweet spots along our route that allows for a full out run, then before normal she slowed down, which my horse responded to all in the same moment of my falling off his back into the best ditch possible (realization showed that the cinch had come undone earlier on the gravel road!) After the initial shock of landing on my back I looked up from the ground and saw my horse just standing there probably wondering what I was doing down there and why did I unsaddle him already?
Anyways I am glad to be Yours and as I turn and face You, I reach up and hold Your face...
...this is me again staying close... hahaha.
With a quick kiss to my forehead You sweep me up in Your arms and swing me in a circle.
Love You Little One.
I know. I say with that decided and deep satisfaction and peace inside my very soul. My stomach is rumbling today what is with that lol! One week left of our fast to learn dependence upon You. It has been such an amazing time. Thank You.
Okay Jesus, that was quite an amazing ride!! It was such an affirmation that You were there with us and answering our often rout sounding prayer against injury for both our horses and ourselves... to come off my horse, Coke, saddle and all and be absolutely no worse for the wear lol... You were there. Bailey was leading today enjoying our sweet spots along our route that allows for a full out run, then before normal she slowed down, which my horse responded to all in the same moment of my falling off his back into the best ditch possible (realization showed that the cinch had come undone earlier on the gravel road!) After the initial shock of landing on my back I looked up from the ground and saw my horse just standing there probably wondering what I was doing down there and why did I unsaddle him already?
Anyways I am glad to be Yours and as I turn and face You, I reach up and hold Your face...
...this is me again staying close... hahaha.
With a quick kiss to my forehead You sweep me up in Your arms and swing me in a circle.
Love You Little One.
I know. I say with that decided and deep satisfaction and peace inside my very soul. My stomach is rumbling today what is with that lol! One week left of our fast to learn dependence upon You. It has been such an amazing time. Thank You.
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