Jesus I had a few thoughts while washing the dishes this morning; about our imperfection and how that is more a consistent thing than perfection. You are the only thing that is perfect I know that and in our hunger for You, I suppose ... in our longing to be like You, we long for perfection. However, our demand for and desire of perfection is tainted badly by our 'craver', our human nature, and it is used to justify our own faults as we hold up and judge those around us as... just as broken as us or more so (we think). We use it as power to elevate ourselves as we step on those who can lift us higher. Okay got on a bit of a tangent there... I was thinking of love.
   Loving one another... even this we don't do perfectly (except when You firmly take us out of the picture and pour out Your love through us) We could, even in the extreme of sacrificial love, do so in error. Thinking that our actions are in the best interest of the one we love we could make decisions and carry out action (even to our own detriment) that because we are not You we do without the full picture and thus err. So again I ask... why do we expect those around us to love us perfectly? They are not capable, only You are. Only You know us from beginning to end as well as understanding the big picture and the workings of the tapestry of this time here. I think we need to just let people be people leave the being God to You. It is only Your acceptance and approval that matter and in letting You be God we can enjoy the diversity of the people around us so much more because we are not internally asking them to fulfill what is only Your role in our lives. Brilliantly You binds us together as You work and show up through us and those around us. How deeply exciting is it to share that passion and sight of You with one another... and in sharing the desire to love and worship You alone, instead of one another, we gain a power that we can barely comprehend.

   You awaken something within me Jesus something bigger than I can grasp... something of brilliant color and at other times... the beauty of contrasts. The curves and lines of letters, the reckless abandon of emotion, the ability to speak to the one who looks at it... but not words of my own they are Your words and messages. Huh. And it is big. Beyond me for sure.

   We sit on a rocky outcropping ... it is smooth beneath us while the rock at our backs is warm with veins of color running through it. We sit side by side. The air is so still and it is as if a blanket of quiet has fallen over the whole view. I lean my head back against the rock wall and close my eyes to feel the sun's warmth and just to soak into my memory this whole experience. You slide over and pull me close, with Your arm around my shoulders. I am not anxious for anything but a wave of love rushes through me making a tear slide down in the face of the love I have for You.    Remember the motorcycle ride? Oh do I... even down the smell of Your leather coat... the speed and the light as it fell between the trees onto the abandoned road. And seeing You in the man still makes me almost laugh out loud... I loved that lesson! Hard to match would be the honor of ministry on the battlefield with You... these things are causing change in me. 
   I can make color explode across this sky... or I can cloak it in the darkness and bring out the brilliance of the starry hosts. There is nothing I can not do. And yet You sit here with me. 
   Thanks for coming to me in the ocean and getting up from the bench to tell me how much You loved me and were excited to see me. Thanks for holding me when I have nothing left inside... absolutely nothing. Thank You for letting me lie my head on Your lap and cry as You stroke my hair. Thank You for the city. Who am I ... really... to have You brilliantly draw me to You in a place and way that is so You but feels like You and me. You make me feel so special.
Oct. 19/10 journal entry. 

   If I am not to let emotion rule me and I am to let You be about me instead of me. If I need to rest on what is Truth... who You are; then I need help right now. Jesus I am glad You KNOW me. I would be very lonely otherwise. How can anyone else ever be expected to fill that need that we have... to be KNOWN and loved despite it all. Jesus fill my heart and mind with where You want my thoughts and vision to be.  Just had a thought... everyone around me judges me against a backdrop of what they think is perfect or ideal. I am not only unable to live up to anyone's standards (which interestingly will be different for every person) but it is as hopeless to try to do that, as it is to try to be 'good enough' for the salvation of my soul. We are not perfect so why do we keep expecting it of everyone around us? We are warped.  Sadly.

   I made it through most of today but I am here again on the threshold of allowing others to control me indirectly through reaction and response. I need to hold onto You and refocus. 
   Journal entry... Oct. 18/10

   Jesus I did have a great night last night. The thing that stays with me still though is that You are right here with me. I want to be more and more aware of Your presence till it becomes tangible to me. I want this badly. For what else is there really? Everything spills out of You ... of us being together and KNOWING one another. 
   Jesus?  Yes? I want to call on Your 'plentitude' for me ... I am feeling that familiar ache of needing to be loved, seen and heard . I normally would look for it in others but I know that that will not satisfy this deep longing because it is You I actually hunger for. So I want to give You this loneliness because wrapped up in the desire to be near You is selfishness and insecurity too. 
   Oh wow.. I just  wrote that I wasn't going to look for this in others and what did I just do... I texted 3 people. Looking at it I see something interesting... when I am in an emotional place bad or good I often want to pour out some love on those in my life.  It's like I want to make sure that others don't feel unheard or unloved... so I reach out.
   Jesus will You meet me today? Really meet me? I will wait here I can't seem to move. 
... journal entry, Oct. 15/10

Where are You right now? I don't think I can get much closer to you lol. How real and tangible can this become? Really real. Yah. Will You teach me to live this way? I can see fears dropping away like flies in that very real presence of You. I have a long ways to go and I need to be reminded all the time but I want to be here. Yah... I want you here too. :) I am crazy in love with You Jesus. And I you.

Oct. 14/10